Please Help My Friend Decide

I'm going to be really blunt: to leave a 1-year-old to go on vacation for 3 weeks is completely selfish and not good for the child at all.

She should take her child with her and just do less. Also as long as the baby has mommy with her, she should be good for going out and about. She can use an ergo carrier or stroller so the little one will have opportunities to rest while mom shops or does sight-seeing.
Either that or not go at all - babies need their Mamas.
Traveling should be done with the child, before having children, after they're grown, or not aIl.

My parents left the states when I was 6 weeks old to live in Japan for 6 months. Before the age of 3 I also went to Spain, England and several other places.
I would not leave my children for 3 weeks just to go on a vacation. I wouldn't leave my children for anything for 3 weeks. If I needed to be in the hospital they'd come to visit each day. If I did I'd be miserable and the entire trip would be ruined and I'd hate every minute of it.
It can be done. Spending all day out and about, seeing & doing. Plan for the baby, have a stroller or sling available. This gives them down time when they need it and you can keep going while they nap. We had a blanket that totally covered the front and sides of the stroller so my oldest could tune out the world when he needed to when we were having an exceptionally busy day. A stroller is also nice as you can use it as an impromtu changing table when you can't find one. Bring snacks, cheerios and the like to pop in front of them.
If she's already feeling guilty before going on the trip imagine how much worse it would get if she followed through.
If the family has issues they need to shove it and get with the program IMO.

A mother should NEVER leave a child that age for more than a day or two. Call a pediatric psychologist and ask why.

HI

I know this must be hard for her. But let me tell you from experience, she wont last. It will crush her sole. I Know
I had to go to work with my now ex who is an entertainer, we were to be gone for 3 weeks. I left my son with my best friend, (you must get a power of attorney for the person who is watching your child) in case they become ill and have to be treated by a doctor. My child was a little older, 4 years old. But from the minute we arrived on at our destination, I was worried sick. I was 4000 miles away from my son, and had no family members in this state either.
Where we were at you could only arrive on Sundays and leave on Sundays. I called them everyday. I had no choice but to go home. My husband understood and continued to do his work there. going was the stupidest thing I ever did. I would never do it again. I made a choice to have a child and if he could not go than neither did I. He is now grown
and getting married and they just took a trip with us as a couple and it was wonderful.. But I will never forget that look on his face when we left those many years ago, nor will I forget how hard he held me when I go back home. I kissed the ground at the airport and thanked god I made it back.
The first thing he said to me was mom, tell me you wont leave me again...and I never did. He either went with us or I did not go.

Hope this helps and this is really her choice.

Julie

Okay, I admit, I did not take time to read all 45 responses before mine too see what other people said, but this question really bothers me!
I cannot believe anyone would consider leaving their one year old with a nanny for 3 weeks. A few days getaway for mom and dad to reconnect maybe. But 3 weeks tells me this lady sees her child as an inconvenience, and really hasn't accepted the reality and responsibility of being a parent. She chose to have and keep this child, she needs to step up and realize she is a parent now, and you can't just take off on vacation anymore. Nor drop your kid off with a nanny. Too many people rely on other people to raise their kids. It makes me wonder why they had kids in the first place, are their kids just little trophies to show off to other people?
Sorry to sound so harsh, but it is OUR responsibility as parents to raise OUR children, not leave them with people everytime they "get in the way" of our pre-baby lives.
Anyway, tell her to definitely take the child and just make some small sacrifices to make the trip easier on the child.

C.,

I read this post and immediately felt for this child...

Travel is great, and I loved my time abroad...but, I would not leave my even now 2.5 year old son for any amount of time to vacation with my family abroad, let alone for my job that requires travel...I make do and find ways to make it work without leaving my son.

I have traveled with my son locally, and he has done very well on a plane and train, and even long road trips. But, the length of flights to Europe and then the details usually involved with those trips can be very daunting for a child of any age. If your friend, is having concerns about being away from her child then she should not go on this trip. Or if she wants her child to come, she needs to do a lot of planning in advance to accomodate for the needs of her little one.

If they have an itineray already in place or even a tenative one, she can make plans for naps and feedings. And, make sure that the family knows that breaks will be taken and she may not even participate in certain activities. Again, my opinion is that the child always comes first and the family should understand that if your friend and her husband are going to take part in family events this needs to be accepted and understood.

I think the fact that she is torn between leaving her child and going, shows she may not feel like she can talk to her in-laws about the trip or that maybe the family is not understanding about the needs of the baby.

Your friend needs to put aside fears about disappointing family and do what's in the best interest of her child. She needs to be honest with her husband. No child should be left with a Nanny for that long...

good luck.

I re-read your letter to make sure I was reading it correctly. She wants to leave her baby at home for three weeks to go shopping and sight-seeing??

This isn't a joke?

Of course she feels guilty about the idea of leaving her baby. Her baby needs her. If baby doesn't come with her, she should stay home.

My daughter's father is British & intercontinental travel is the norm. Our daughter loves to fly. Loves the attention she gets on the plane & from friends and family when we arrive. His family would be disappointed and frankly horrified if we left her behind. She has a right to see her family, and they have a right to see her. The pictures your friend will take will be great to add to her baby book. Her daughter will love to see later that she's been a world traveler since before she can remember. Take the baby & enjoy!

Hi, C.! I would urge your friend to take her daughter with her. No matter how much she might enjoy the trip, she will always wish she had shared it with her little girl--and she will miss her sooooo much! We took our one-yr-old on a 16-day trip through New England (five states in 16 days!). We were on planes, trains, & cars, & she enjoyed every minute of it. My advice would be to bring and use a VERY comfortable baby carrier for when you're out & about. The baby will fall asleep on you if she's tired enough, & you can still walk, tour, shop, etc. (BTW, I love the Ergo Baby Carrier, & it was perfect for the trip.) Also remember that the rest of the family is there & I'm sure more than eager to help carry & entertain the baby whenever necessary. Also, bring snacks & food that are easy to feed the baby, so you can keep somewhat regular mealtimes. Babies are soooo adaptable, as long as their basic needs are met. Mostly, I think, we the parents are more anxious & worried about how inconvenient it might be. I can't imagine having taken our trip without our little girl; having her there was what made it a REAL family trip--and every photo I have that I cherish is of her experiencing something & somewhere new. It won't be as hard as she thinks it might be! I promise! It will be even more fun. Just don't sweat the small stuff. And there are lots of advice online about traveling with a baby--just prepare, prepare, & then have fun!! :)

OMG that is out of the question. You take your baby wherever you go, period. When you take the resposibiltiy of having a baby, along comes these deciisions and opportunities for yourself that have now shifted. Baby goes where mama goes. Otherwise, stay home.
I took baby with me for a week in Hawaii at 5 mos. I look back and see how hard it was on her but we took good care of her. I couldnt poss leave her behind, and it was a gift honeymoon. Baby does better on mama even with worse circumstances. Trama would be worse if mama left.

Wendy

Hi C. S:
I'm not sure you'll recieve to many positive feed backs on this subject.I get the impression,that your friend has been manipulated into this trip abroad. She probably has been told by her in laws,that she's coming across the (over protective mother),or that she can't change her life-style merely because she choose to have a child. These family members are being selfish,and inconsiderate. When your friend made the decision to have a baby,her life did indeed change.Her whole world should evolve around that child. Every decision she makes, from the day she gave birth,should include,and have her best interest at heart.Three weeks is far to long to be away from your baby,or for your baby to be separated from you.I agree with SH also, that to attempt to take her along for that length of time could be detrimental to her health. She risks throwing her off any schedule she may currently be on and will deprive her of any quality sleep. Infants thrive on familirarity. They find comfort in their surroundings, sleeping in their own cribs. Your friend will wind up having a miserable time being away from her baby that long, and she will have a lousy time trying to cart her baby all day abroad,while everyone else is free to roam. I'd opt to stay home and love and nurture my baby,and save for a trip,when shes older and can enjoy it,or better understand why her mother is not there to comfort her when its needed. I wish your friend the best. J. M

She should absolutely take her. I would not even consider traveling abroad for three weeks without my kids. Consider this, with grandparents there, they will have lots of loving hands to help out with the baby. Also, from experience, traveling with little ones may be a lot of work, but is a wonderful experience. We are taking our four year old and our one year old on a three week vacation later this year to Florida and the Caribbean, and are very much looking forward to it. I'm happy that my parents are going with us as well. I wish her the best of luck, and let her know that she will be happier if she takes her daughter with her.

Perhaps some of the advice from other moms can bring a very valuable perspective to the situation. It sounds like your friend is under pressure not only to take the trip, but to keep with the very full schedule that all the others have come up with. There is one HUGE difference between your friend and the others - she is the mother of a young child. It is not realistic or fair to expect that she keep up with the rest, nor that a 1 year old be expected to keep up.
Three weeks is a very long time (too long in my opinion) to leave a child behind. Has anyone taken a moment to consider the child? Has anyone considered planning any family friendly activities or schedule considerations? I would not want to go on a vacation that was filled from end to end every day. For me, that's not relaxing. As a mom, I would dread it.
If your friend really wants to go, then I would suggest skipping some of the activities - taking a day off here and there with her child from all the business.

Has it been mentioned to any of the other travelers that the child needs to be considered and what needs they might have (naps, etc)?

What about finding travel guides or asking on Mamasource for family friendly recommendations for where they are going?

What about your friend and her husband taking a little time out together with their child to do some kid friendly things - whether that means going somewhere or just laying low together?

I guess the bottom line is that as a parent, life is different. A parent cannot realistically expect to do the same things or expect things to work with the same way with a child. A parent's job is to look out for their child as job #1.
It sounds like priorities with this trip may have gotten a little skewed. Perhaps a reminder to the rest of the group would be in order. After all, if she doesn't speak up for her child and place her child's well being in the fore front, then no one else will either.
I would suggest that your friend do some picking and choosing as to what activities abroad are most important to attend, and not feel required to attend everything. Believe me, as a mom with a young child, even if she did try to make everything, chances are that there would be many times when she'd have a tired, crying child on her hands, and wish she had forgone parts of the trip anyway.

I know that it's hard sometimes to have to say no to things, but as a parent, the choices are not the same. It tears at my heart to think of a 1 year old being left behind for 3 weeks. And for me, the thought of a 3 week trip that is that busy sounds like a potential nightmare. Hopefully there is a happy medium that can accommodate travel and family needs, and help the entire group to find some understanding about needing to make sure that mom and child's needs are met as well.
I hope this helps.
M.

First, I personally think 3 weeks is too long for any child that young - especially if she'll be abroad (and therefore not easily able to come back if a crisis arises). Her baby may not remember this time as an exact memory, but she WILL have some lingering feelings of the event - the baby won't understand what's going on (she's too young!), so some feelings of abandonment are inevitable! (I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion, but this is one of the very things that can stimulate those issues!)

I've traveled extensively with my children - they slept in the car, they slept in the strollers. I definitely didn't feel unhappy for having had my children with me - I actually enjoyed the experience as something we did together as a family, and I have pictures to prove it! Bringing her favorite snack foods, stickers, things to color (depending on how far along into her 1st year, baby is), etc. are great ways to help distract her. I took my daughter on a plane trip across the country by myself when she was just over one - it ended up taking just shy of 12 hours (since we were stuck on the ground in a plane in Chicago for 3 hours on the way out), and she was an angel the whole time. Staying calm yourself does wonders for your kids! Also, just because she's traveling with others doesn't mean she has to be restricted to their whims - regardless of what's "planned" now, I can guarantee that some of the others will opt out of certain things, and she & hubby can do the same if they deem it necessary for baby!

If she just looks at this as an opportunity to have a great trip with her entire family rather than trying to decide whether or not to leave her family at home, then I think this decision will be a lot easier! :o) Once you have a baby, life changes - this is an example. You can't just opt to leave your baby home so you can have a better time. That's the bottom line. (And I don't say that to be mean - it just seems like her priorities are a little out of whack right now, probably due to pressure from her husband's family!)

I wish her luck with her decision!

I have 2 kids and the only time I have left my 3 year old (and for 2 days mind you) was to give birth. I even felt guilty about that. I do not see how a mother could not feel extreme guilt over having fun for 3 weeks while her baby misses her. Sure go live it up for a weekend if you must, but 3 weeks? Both my children get upset when I leave for work for a 6 - 8 hour day. My baby is 11 months and he definitely notices when I am gone.

This is why having children is so difficult. It's not about diaper changes or sleep deprivation, it's truly about giving up the freedom you once had. With that said, I don't think you have to give up your life. If I had the opportunity to take me kids abroad, I would. I have traveled quite a bit with my first child and she did really well with it. My hubby grew up with a pilot for a father and he got to visit over 30 countries. He loved to travel as a child and both of our children seem to have that same love. I don't see anything wrong with taking the baby with her as long as she is prepared. My kids will nap in the stroller/carseat so traveling does not interrupt their schedules.

Does your friend have to follow the in-laws everyday? We traveled a lot with my in-laws and we did our own thing during the day and met up with them for dinner every night.

If the in-laws are not going to understand your friend's needs and respect that she has her baby with her, then I wouldn't waste my time going. 3 weeks is a long time to be miserable and regret a choice.

Since it is a family trip, it seems to me that all family members, even 1 yr-olds, should be included. Hopefully they are planning a trip that can be conducive to the baby too.

I took a 5day trip with my then 13month old and adapted b/c she would only nap in the car, so we went for drives at naptime each day... and she only napped 1x/day, rather than her usual 2x/day, but that was okay--we adapted. As long as she got opportunities to run around and play, she was fine.

They can bring some familiar objects/lovey/binky/toys to help baby girl. I don't know what their lodging would be or where they are going, but if they get adjoining rooms with the in-laws, baby can go to bed in their room and they can socialize next door so baby can have quiet time. If there are things they want to do w/o baby, maybe the grandparents can take her for a day or something.

I have left my daughter with grandparents at home for a 4 day trip away, but I personally wouldn't want to be away from her for more than a week, especially if not left with family or her regular caregiver.

good luck to her with the decision

Hi C.,

Has she heard of baby back packs? Just throw the baby in one of those and off she goes. Bring her a few hats and sunscreen. Why would you want to leave your baby at home. When you have a baby, that baby is part of you. It should not be a chore to care for and carry the baby around, enjoy the time spent together the whole family! Where's the father, to busy playing golf?
They also have the umbrella strollers that are really light and can go everywhere. Why would a mum want to leave her baby? 3 weeks? Talk about abandonment, I hated leaving mine for any amount of time at all.
Babies eat and sleep when they need to, and prefer to be with their mothers no matter what. I don't think she's worried about the baby being tired. She just doesn't want the responsibility. Share that with your friend!

A.

She is a MOM for crying out loud....and thus, when you go on a trip... you HAVE to consider your child...not treat them as an extra baggage. The needs of a baby, has to come first... not the trip.

NO, 3 weeks is too long of a time to leave her home, with a Nanny that she does not even know. I think SHE should stay home, with her child, and forgo the trip.

The way is seems...is that the trip is more important than her child's needs.

Next, why was the trip planned, if her child is only 1 years old?
Next, since she is going with her WHOLE family....THEY can certainly help, right?
Next, yes, it is very physically tiring on a trip abroad....I'm an adult and when I went abroad and did all our activities, even I was tired! It took us nearly 24-hours, just to fly to Europe! And by the time we FINALLY got to our destination, I was pretty darn tired/irritable/grumpy myself. Then, we spent ALL day, out and about touring and traveling. We would get back to our lodging at night time. EACH day of our trip. Not much time to rest.

ALSO keep in mind, that depending what country they are going... it is not always 'baby' friendly, there is NOT always nice clean bathrooms or baby changing tables, there is not always the amenities around that you need for a baby.
There is not always even an elevator to go with a baby in a stroller.... and then there are only stairs. Especially at historical sites.

ALSO... if they are going at this time of year... it is VERY cold.... and baby can get sick. I got sick when I traveled abroad at this time of year... I got very very sick. NOW, what will you friend do, if her baby gets sick abroad??????
For me I was lucky, because my Hubby is bi-lingual and knew where to go. So, my severe health problem could be handled. Is your friend FULLY prepared for any situation???? Abroad???? With her baby?????

Believe me... if at home it is hard to just go grocery shopping or errands with her baby... just think how it will be doing this ABROAD? It will be magnified.

The 'choice' should be, not whether or not to take the baby with her, BUT rather: should she even go in the first place?

Anyway, I think it's a bad idea.
Good luck,
Susan

When I was 22, I went along as nanny on a 3 week trip to Europe with the family I used to work for. The youngest was 3. I swore that I would never take a toddler to Europe after that trip.

On the other hand, now that I am a mom, I couldn't leave my baby for 3 weeks. My daughter is almost 2 and I still haven't done more than one night away from her... I wouldn't want to go three weeks without her... no way.

Both my sister and my cousin have left their babies for 1 week. So I know others can do it. I just can't. And I haven't heard of anyone doing it for THREE weeks. Thats a long time.

She should explore the possibility of bringing a nanny, or plan to be flexible and not go all day long every day with the small one. She may have to miss some of the sightseeing.

Or don't go at all. But don't leave the baby.

ok. in my opinion and experience with my 2y son, 3 weeks is a LONG time at this age and just leaving her behind shouldn't really be an option. She will miss important stuff. If it were my decision, it would be between taking my child with me and altering my schedule to accommodate my child or not going at all. The thing is she has a child and that inherently limits your activities if you want to be an active parent. It isn't a bad thing, just a choice we made when we become parents. It is all a matter of perspective. I don't feel limited by my child, but he is my priority and if he cannot responsibly participate in that activity I need to think about limiting my participation. They are this little for such a short time, it should be enjoyed whether at home or abroad!

Three weeks is far too long to leave a one year old behind. At this age, they need to be with their Mom. I have travelled with my baby at this age and it worked out just fine. With a little bit of planning and preparation, we all enjoyed the trip a lot and we were happy we brought him with us. Babies are happiest to be out and about and as long as they are with their parents they are happy wherever they are. Exposing your child to travel at a young ago is a great thing, even if at times it is hard or inconvenient. The more you do it the more they get used to it. Lastly, it is easy to travel with a baby if you bring a stroller and a baby carrier (I recommend the Ergo baby carrier) where they will happily nap when needed. I hope your friend decides to bring her baby. She will miss her baby terribly for three weeks if she leaves her baby behind and will not enjoy it because she will be missing her so much.

I would go and not do everything that everyone else does. Use the baby as an excuse, but, also, who wants to spend all that time w/ the in laws?

My sister left her little one who was about a year old. He has abandament problems. Even to this day he is 30 years old. Good luck. M. R

She should take the baby. That way she won't feel any guilt. Guilt is sometimes a good thing to feel when you are doing the wrong thing. That's why guilt is there.

Three weeks is TOO long for any child, especially a one year old who doesn't have the vocabulary to understand where her mother and father went.

I have traveled (I love it, your friend does not) with my children abroad, alone in the plane. It's not that exhausting. In fact, I found that when I visited family abroad, I was much more relaxed because everyone chipped in. I seriously felt like I was on a vacation. My son during a trip bonded strongly with a family member he never met before and it was very sweet. But the good thing for us was that I was there with him.

As far as having a "full schedule" she can speak up and say, "you know today, we're doing X (taking it easy)." If her family resents it, that's too bad.

As far as traveling with young children or not, the BEST time to travel is when they are young... too young to complain about where they are "boring museums" "boring shopping"... You don't have to take them to Disneyland at this age because they don't really appreciate it. Those types of places can Now that my children are 8.5 and 4.5, I can't get away with visiting a museum with them. I could when they were 1.

If her baby gets tired, they nap! Naps are a wonderful thing. Have her bring a lightweight stroller that reclines, like a MACLAREN. Have her an ERGO CARRIER
http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/

so she (or someone else) can carry her baby on their back, (stroller free and hands-free!) for even easier traveling.

When you choose to become a parent you have to realize that your life is going to change. Your child comes first. Just had to say that.

I have two little girls a 4yr old and 1 year old and I was only gone for 3 days away from them and was really ready to be back with them, so three weeks abroad will be too difficult for most mothers to leave their babies, I really think that she won't have fun because she will worry too much about her baby! I have friends that have taken their babies to Costa Rica twice for 3 weeks at a time! My cousin took her son to New Zealand for 4 weeks! Neither of them would have done it any other way! She should take her baby!

I'd say either stay home or plan the trip around the baby. I think Mom would be sick to her stomach being away from her child for that long - I know it would KILL me. Really, I wouldn't even come close to having a good time, they'd have to sedate me on the plane! LOL!! Ultimately it is up to her, right? So, she needs to do what is best for her whole family - her, hubby and baby. She doesn't even have to consider his side of the family, she gets a pass right now because she is a Mom with a young child.

Best wishes,
M.

ok now ill give you my straight up story about traveling with a 1 year old. my husband mil myself and my daughter (who was 15 months at the time) flew to michigan. we had to leave the house at 330a. i also made a statement to my husbands mom that i did not want to house hop between family out there and i didnt want to go anywhere the first couple days so i could easy my daughter into the 3 hour time change. that did not happen at all the first 4 days then i got tired of seeing my baby uncomfortable in the car all day and not getting a nap that my husband and i would put our foot down and said that if they want us to go somewhere then they have to work around my daughters schedual. his mom told me that my daughter could just sleep in the car for a nap!! what!?!?! i turned around and told her lets strap you in a carseat and see you get a good nap. your friend needs to lay down the guidelines for bringing her baby. she shouldnt leave the baby home because she fears tantrums and tiredness. if theres a time change they are going deal with i really suggest that she makes the choice to stay in one place a couple days. because this will be new to the baby and she wont be very comfortable not being at home. then if they want to do site seeing then do it one day and then go somewhere the next day and stay home and quiet the third day. then the baby will have a day of rest. besides her and the baby are guest out there the family should come to them not the other way around. tell your frind not to be pressured to do everything the family thinks they should do or see. she has to remember the real boss on the trip is the baby. i really hope she take the baby and doesnt leave her home. good luck!

I don't know if your friend has taken her child on many trips, but my daughter has been going with us since she was 8 weeks old and she's now 4-1/2. It was easier when she was younger. My daughter was great at sleeping anyplace and would sleep even if we were out an about. 3 weeks sounds like a long time to leave a one-year-old, and you're right in that she might regret not going on the trip. Unless her daughter has some major issues with travel, can't nap anywhere but her own bed, etc., I'd advise her to go and have a great time!

I traveled with my son when he was six weeks. We went to Argentina and Uruguay traversing the country by car. We livd there for six months. We also came to the United States when before he turned one and traveled the country by train before finally settling in California. I have found that when traveling with children it is just a matter of being prepared, having a good stroller, keeping them entertained. I have also found that the younger the child is the better they travel. Your friend would be better off traveling with her little one than leaving him/her with the nanny, she won't enjoy the trip being worried all the time. At this point the child is too young to be left without a parent. I would suggest at a later age for this kind of an arrangement.

I would take the baby along. Its a trip of a lifetime and if she leaves baby behind she'll likely miss her terribly, be worried and not enjoy the trip as much. I would HIGHLY suggest she invest in a backpack carrier if she doesn't have one already. REI sells several great ones. This will allow baby to go wherever she goes and sleep when needed. It also can be used as a high-chair for feeding when necessary (like in a hotel room). It is also a better option than a stroller due to handicap accessibility laws not being nearly as good abroad, making bring a stroller many places nearly impossible.

We took our backpacks to Hawaii with us and were ont he go from early in the morning until late at night and this is the only way our kids were able to get good naps...they just don't nap well in a stroller.

A one year would not enjoy a trip abroad. Too much change. I understand that the mother might be feeling guilty leaving her behind but it really seems the for the best. You don' t mention the ages of other children but a one year old still needs nap time and a fairly regular feeding schedule. Some hotels offer babysitting service but you have no guarentee of the level of care. I vote for leaving the little one at home. Hope they have a great trip.

Tell your friend to ask her husband how he feels about the situation. Wouldn't he want to be a proud daddy and show off his beautiful baby? I'm assuming this is family they don't see often so I think they would love to see the baby. They are NOT obligated to do everything in the agenda just to maximize the trip. Traveling with a baby is not that hard. One just needs to be prepared. Who knows, his family may actually end up helping them take care of the baby.
If I were in her shoes, I would not leave my baby. Yes, it's a little more challenging to travel with a baby but I can't bear the thought of not being there if something happens... at 1-yr old, baby is still teething and sometimes all baby needs is to be in mommy's arms. I hope this helps your friend.

lots of responses - here is my two-cents:

A one year old is too young to be left without mommy or daddy for 3 weeks. Even when they are sick they mostly want mommy. I assume its Europe or some other country, what will she do in an emergency? She will not enjoy her trip, 3 weeks is a LONG time to be away from your baby.

If she wishes to travel especially with family, take the baby and have family help out.

I have friends/family that continually ask me to join them for trips, some people don't have responsibilities and no children or spouses therefor don't understand us parents. They can accomodate and help out or count me out - that's my motto!

Three weeks away from mommy is an eternity to a child that young. Even if she grows up without a clear memory of her mother's absence it will still affect her and their relationship. Does your friend want her 10 or 12 year old daughter hearing about the "whole family" going on vacation and asking "You left me for how long!?". Non-stop traveling, shopping and sight-seeing can wait. This doesn't mean that she has to stay home. Bringing her daughter on the family trip could be a fun adventure as long your friend has the right attitude - positive, unselfish and flexible (what a mom should be anyway). It sounds like you really want to help, think of the child and you'll help your friend to make the right decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. My daughter asked me who I was writing so I told explained in simple terms about the question I was responding to. She said, "A one year old? That's too young. Why would you leave a baby? Please tell them not to leave their baby."

You have lots of advice, so here's mine....short & sweet.

Definitely take the baby, go on some outings, but also plan to spend down time in the hotel room as it will be very overwhelming for the baby. The baby will definitely let her know when she's overwhelmed.... they always do & she needs to listen.

It will be more overwhelming for the baby to be w/o her mommy for 3 weeks.

Take care!

Hi C.,

I would tell your friend to take the baby with her. I personaly could not leave my 3 week old with someome eles. My advice it to follow the same rotine that she does at home. from Naps to feeding time to bath time to bed time. My son was 1 year and 11 months old when we went on a Curise to the Carribean. with my husbands family that his grandma paid for and I keept everthing the same as I would have at home. Naps were the same time, Breakfast, lunch and dinner were the same. as were the bath and bed time. Even though I missed out on some stuff becuase I kept everything for the most part the same rotine. But being the mommy missing out on some things comes with the Job. (Don't get me wrong I still had a balst! and it was an awesome time I will never forget). Everyone eles understood Because they had kids also. My was the yougest by 3 years. So I would tell your friend to take the baby and Try to keep things as normal as possiable... Hope this has helped. Have a good day, and let us know how things go.

A.

I traveled alone with my one year old son out of the country. There is NO WAY I would have been able to stand being away from my dear sweet baby boy for a whole three weeks at that time! We got around fine, doing stuff with family all day. I just made sure that I had a stroller that was well padded and reclined so that he could lay down comfortably to nap. And I kept a sling with me so that I could walk around with him "on me" so that he could be at eye level and "participate" within the family, and see what was around him. Being close to me like that helped to ease and comfort him. And maybe because I am single and I am used to doing it all on my own I didn't feel like it was impossible. I am not saying I wasn't tired at the end of the day- because i definitely was- but it was worth it to have my son with me and for my family that lives abroad to be able to spend that time with him.
Your friend has a husband- who ought to be putting in as much of the parenting as she is- I think they will feel happier keeping their family together rather than worrying about their dear chld and how he is doing with a nanny for so long.
good luck- and HAVE FUN!!

I can't speak for your friend, but I can tell you what I would do. I'm a mother of 4, and I love travel. I would take the baby, but I wouldn't feel compelled to keep up with everyone else. When we went on vacation with babies, I always made sure to head back to the hotel for nap time. (I used the time to nap, read, write postcards.) Often, the hotel has child care or can help in finding child care if she occasionally wants to be out past the baby's bedtime.

Can your friend afford to pay to have the nanny (or other family member) come on the trip with them? I have had several friends do this and it has worked out really well. This way the baby gets to come along (which ends mom's guilt of leaving her at home), but there is someone who can take care of the baby when she gets tired (at the hotel) and allows mom and dad to participate in the activities. Plus, this also allows the baby to stay on a fairly normal routine (like the one at home) and not get overly tired.

Here's a thought, and sorry if someone already suggested it. If she or her family can afford a live-in nanny for three weeks, can they perhaps afford to have the nanny travel with them instead? Or perhaps have the hotel arrange for someone to watch the baby at times when he/she is too tired to be out and about? That way the mom could have the best of both worlds. Or, she could bring the baby and just know that she may have to miss some of the excursions the rest of the family is taking to stay at the hotel or wherever with the baby. That wouldn't be so horrible; people don't have to stay together as a pack the whole time they are on vacation. Your friend is in an enviable position -- I wish I had such a decision to make! I personally could not have left my 1-year-old alone for even a couple of nights, let alone 3 weeks, but that is a very personal decision.

Perhaps, since all of the family is going too, you/she will have a lot of extra help. Also, you can always stay in the hotel and don't have to go on ALL of the site seeing trips.

If you choose to keep the baby at home, that is also not a wrong decision...as long as u really trust whom ever is watching her. :)

C.,
I'm not sure how far your friend will be traveling, but it does sound like it would be exhausting for a one year old. Couldn't your friend bring her daughter, but leave the family for a couple hours a day to give baby some rest?
S. G.

If she has fine and reliable accomodations (like you described) for the baby, it would be OK to leave her home. In fact, it is preferable for all. The baby will be miserable on such a journey, and your friend and her husband will be hampered the whole time. I used to travel with my two little ones when they were very young, so it is doable, but I wouldn't take a one-year old on journeys outside the U.S. Three weeks is just on the brink to negatively affect the (already established) essential mother-baby connection, and so hopefully, that factor should be minimal. So, it comes down to whether taking a vacation is important right now. If so, go, enjoy, you have things covered. If not, stay home with your baby.

Just my opinion, hope it helps.

Mr. Mom

PS. My friend just went with his wife and baby boy all the way to Grenada, but that was the point of the trip - for his family to see the baby. A vacation is different than a family visit. ;-)

I think she would be totally miserable leaving her one year old for three weeks. She should bring her, but only go out for a few hours each day, or even every other day, and that way she or the baby won't get overwhelmed. Travel in a separate car so she can return to the hotel whenever she wants, and bring her cell and the others have a cell so she can coordinate where to meet up with them, etc.

A solution that my relatives did was bring baby along on the trip AND bring a caregiver too. That way baby can join on some activities and have some routine and won't be separate from parents for that long. I couldn't imagine enjoying myself being gone that long, but the opportunity is too good to pass up! Hope that helps!

Can she bring the nanny? That would be ideal. Whether the nanny can go or not, talking over concerns with his family should be top of the list. I took my 2 year old daughter on a 6 week trip to Spain and Morocco and everything was just fine, although I did have to plan in downtime for her. A one year is different, but as long as everyone is willing to help with the baby, and willing to build in downtime, and if your friend is willing to maybe miss an outing or two, everything should be fine. However, if she'd like to leave the baby home, that's fine, too. I've had friends who've had to go away for weeks, and the bond was there when they got back. My husband has had to work overseas for 5 months, and he was just as close to our daughter when he returned. If she does decide to leave the baby at home, then have her set up a communication system with the nanny and family, a time so the baby can hear her voice, or use a video cam. Good luck to all involved!

Hey there,

A possible option depending on the resources that your friend has is to bring a trusted baby sitter or family member along that would be willing to stay with the baby while they are out and about during the day. While I am sure that they may believe that they are going to be gone from sun up until sun down everyday for three weeks...that may not be too realistic. So incentive for the sitter/family member to come along would be a paid ticket to the vacation spot, possibly some spending cash and a few baby free days, so that they can enjoy the local attractions; and this way, Mom and baby aren't separated, and can enjoy the trip together. Mom can enjoy Baby free time (because we all know sometimes we need it)and Baby isn't suffering separation anxiety. (Three weeks is a very long time to leave a baby that young.) Hope this helps!

It's hard not to feel guilty but what an opportunity. I know I would not hold it against my mom that she went on such a wonderful trip and left me behind when I was so young that I wouldn't remember anyway!!! And holy cow a 1 year old is really tough on a trip like that. The baby will get worn out. The time chang is tough and I don't know where abroad she is going but if it's Europe get over the stroller thing. It is dang near impossible to get a kid around on all of the old streets. I would go on the trip and leave my little darling at home. I would take zillions of pictures so when my sweetie is old enough to learn the histories and culture of these places I'd pull it out and talk about my trip. Travel should be a part of everyone's life and showing your kids not to be intimidated by other countries is an excellent lesson.

For me even a short weekend trip without my children is too long. I wouldn't leave my child for 3 weeks, it would break my heart and I know I wouldn't enjoy my self. My husband and I traveled for 7 weeks when my Daughter was a year, it worked out great. On days when we would sightsee all day I would always take a stroller and she would keep her schedule and nap in the stroller. She enjoyed being out seeing the sights,

Is there any way she can take the nanny? Or people from her husbands side of the family may be able to help out but I personally would bring the baby. If it was just 1 week I would leave the baby but 3 weeks is too long and she will end up missing her baby and having a bad time within a week or leave to go back home early.

I absolutely would not go on the trip. Maybe I'm crazy, but 3 weeks away from my 1 year old would do me in, and I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the trip. She'll never get those 3 weeks back, and at that age they change so very quickly. Wait until the child is old enough to manage and enjoy a trip like that, and then go.

Personally, I'd take the baby. I took my daughter when she was one, to Paris/London and it was great! On the other hand, I left my son when he was 5 months old at home when I went to Belgium and have felt horribly guilty ever since because I felt he and I lost our bond while I was gone. Of course, we bonded again when I came home, but I'll never forget that feeling that he didn't know who I was when I returned after just one week.

Your friend should not leave her baby for 3 weeks- don't even think about it. No one can nurture a child like it's mother, especially when the baby is ill or teething. The baby will be inevitably stressed from the change- and anything can happen in three weeks, even with someone she trusts. My four year old cousin drowned in the swimming pool while his mom was on a weekend shopping trip.

From a mom that has traveled abroad with children- and always take my children with.

Hawaii with a six month old- no fun for mom- You are still caring for an infant that is very dependent, NOT a vacation. Baby is out of wack from the travel-could start cutting teeth/catch a bug on the plane/ear infection. I don't suggest it. :(

Switzerland and Italy with one child- a two year old: awesome experience: rode trains, visited castles, ate out, played in parks and swam in the Med. :)

Israel with one four year old- great experience. :)

Just came back from a month in Spain with two year old and eight year old: not fun. Kids high jacked trip, park obsessed, eight year old complained about walking-two year old and husband got the flu the night before we headed back. Could not even shop! The kids were a nightmare. :(

I think it is too early for a trip abroad for your friend. I think she should take a rain check on this vacation. There is plenty of time to see the world- hopefully she traveled a bit before baby... she is going to have to sit this one out.

I would definitely take my baby. Why not take along a nanny or family member who would be dedicated to helping take care of the baby?

I think that if the baby won't enjoy being out all that time on the vacation then it would be best not to take her. If there will be breaks and variations on the trip(i.e. everyone not going out at the same time all the time) then take her. I'm sure her family would like to spend time with her. However, your friend shouldn't feel guilty if she does decide not to take her. She could just call her daughter every few days just to say hi and see how she's doing. If her daughter would have a better time staying home, then leave her home. It will foster some independence making her daughter less scared to go to new places when she gets older and goes to preschool and kindergarten. Goodluck.

Perhaps your friend should go but not plan on participating in all of the activities. Yes, it's true that the baby will be too tired to want to be dragged all over. She WILL be limited with a one-year-old, that is the absolute truth. I think that leaving the baby behind is selfish. The baby time of life doesn't last very long at all. It's a bit selfish to want to do regular grown-up things during this very small window. This is what having a baby is all about, having to up end your life to accomadate the new life. I think that she should go on the trip but do her own thing, joining in where she can. By not having the expectation to participate in all of the activities, she won't be disappointed in missing out. Or else she should stay behind and plan on attending the next trip, by then the baby will be older and able to enjoy the trip as well.

Hi C., As a mother I would not leave my child with anyone for 3 weeks. Travel versus child, to me that answer is easy. But for some like your friend it may not be. When my 3 kids were small, my husband got orders to Sasebo Japan, our children were 22 months 4, and 7, I wasn't sure how such a move would afect my children, so I had made the decision to stay back in the states, as days went by, I started asking myself what would be best for my children, and I came to the conclusoion that not seeing their dad for 2 years would not be best for them, so we all went, and what I learned was that as long as children are in the security of their parents they roll with the flo, and going and taking them turned out to be the best decision I could have made. If she goes she should take her child, there is no reason that she can not skip a shoping trip or sight seeing long enough for her child to take a nap. Hope this helps. J. L.

There is a lot to be considered. If she leaves the baby behind, she will miss the baby, the baby will miss her, and those caring for the baby back at home will be miserable along with the baby. Why can't she look into a nanny where she is going and take the baby with her. If they can afford such a trip, Certainly they can afford a nanny abroad. A nanny abroad is probably not very expensive.

Hi, My sister went to England and Scotland when her son was 3 years old. She left him home with Dad and went on this trip of a lifetime with two girlfriends. The first week was really fun, and after that she said she ached for her son. I know she has good memories of the trip, but that she also said that she wouldn't do it again.
Perhaps your friend could go on the trip for a week and then return home? Three weeks is a long time to be away from one so litte.
Or she can take the little one along, and maybe modify her days to accomidate the child. Only she can decide. Better yet, take the child and the Nanny, if that's affordable. Best of luck to your friend in her decision making.
Linda

She can go either way. She should not feel guilty at all leaving the baby. She will be fine and will never remember the period away from mom and dad. On the other hand, she can bring the baby who will sleep when needed in a stroller. I brought my 11 month old to London and she slep in the stoller when she was tired and in the hotel room otherwise. It all worked out fine. Of course it really will not be a VACATION if she has to care for the baby, so that is the only consideration I think she should think about.

Hello,

As a hotel Manager for many years, there are so many accomodations these days for the little ones. Also, the airlines are very good with babies on airplanes.

Bring baby along. Nanny may be too expensive to bring with you.
Enlist a family member to help you. Is one of them a Grandparent?

Purchase a light-weight stroller and baby back pack. I get crib from the hotel. Bring your own bedding and use sanitizer to wipe down the crib. Bring only what you and your husband can carry.

Plan your nap time wisely. Try to train your little one to sleep in the stroller during nap time or every other day, so you don't slow down the group.

I traveled with a Mom who had 1 year old twins.... we planned the trips the night before, so she could pack, food, her diaper bag etc. This way she felt that she was ready with everyone else. Some days, it took longer to get out the door, but with planning, we transitioned well.

Long car rides? Well... the babies screamed the entire time. We did have to allow tummy time, because there were days they were strapped to a car seat or stroller all day long.

I have been on both sides of the traveling end. Hotels will warm up bottles, otherwise, bring an electric bottle warmer. If your traveling to Europe, I would bring the 220volt outlet converter, their outlets are different than our 110 volt. You can probably find it at any luggage store or Radio Shack.

Best of luck on your travels. Ask the family members what they think. Get support before you go... you need to have a plan.

For me, If I am traveling to Hawaii or Cancun where the sun is very sharp, I would opt to stay home. I traveled to these places with my kids at 5 years old. Little ones cannot handle large amounts of sunscreen and that is the only dilema I would have.

You are a Mom... Your life did not end!! Go out there, see the world and enjoy it as a family.

My family went on a 30 day road trip across the country with our 3 year old and 14 month old daughter. Our day was just planned around her two naps and we kept her bedtime most of the time. Traveling with young kids is possible, but you have to be willing to make changes to your schedule and super flexible. Now if you friend is willing to do that then she should bring her little one along.

However, if she really wants to go along with the rest of the gang and sight-see til the sun goes down then she should leave her little one behind. If she will feel put out or disappointed with missing out then the trip will not be fun for her, her little one, or anyone else.

I think she should go.
When I had my first daughter me and my husband took a 8 day vacation to puerto rico. I live in california. I remember being sad at first, but when I was able to get away -it helped my marraige because we were able to get that time together.
I have no regrets.
My daughter is now 8 years old and of course, she doesn't remember a thing. She is a honor roll student and a very social girl.
It is good that her family will be able to spend there own time with her 1 year old. Although 3 weeks is a little longer than 1 week. But this experience may even help her child and her. She can still talk to her daughter on the phone and picture message her as much as she wants.

My two cents: A baby that age should never be away from their mother for that long for any reason! Instead, take a family member with you who can give you some time to take a break and keep the baby on her schedule. We took our mother in law with us (good relationship!) and that worked out great. Even another family staying in the next room is a better idea. You can all share the baby sitting and take turns doing the vacationing.

I have a great Restaurant Rescue Kit that helps with kids from 3 and up when going out. Finding things like that to work the child into your life is way better than leaving them out. www.restaurantrescuekits.com

Wow, Leave the kid at home. If she is not used to travel (I'm guessing she's not well traveled) and she is the only kid, the mom will be spending lots of time every day dealing with the baby's needs, and missing almost everything that is adult oriented. A one year old is pretty durable and will have a FABULOUS time with her maternal grandma if this is an option. If there are other small kids (like 3 and under) then the kid group will choose daily activities that will allow for naps, feedings, tantrums, physical jumping around, etc that small kids need. This will allow the parents to rotate with the kid groups and each one will get to see half of the sights that the solo parents go to. I say make the decision based on the demographics of the group that is going.

If she thinks she might enjoy the trip with some time of her own by all means take the child and opt out of some of the activity to have time to herself with the baby. While the baby naps she can rest herself. I would be quickly worn out mentally by full days having 'fun' with a group. Can the nanny go along? Do they offer certified babysitters on board? The baby won't remember this time away from mom, so mom needs to decide to do it for herself.

C., in my opinion, I would not go. I'd stay home with my baby. I have never traveled abroad but I have traveled with babies. When my youngest (now 19) was less than a year old, we went to Mexico for a week. It was the worst week of my travel experience. My daughter was the kind of baby who could not and would not sleep away from her comfortable surroundings. Even if I moved her furniture in her room, she was unable to sleep. When we were in Mexico, she slept maybe 3 hours a day! Which meant that's what I slept. We went with family, but believe me when it's 1:00 a.m. and you're exhausted from a day of having fun, the last thing you want to do is get up and help someone take care of their child. People are helpful when they are awake in the middle of the day and are wlling to help but a fussy baby with limited sleep only wants its mommy.

I have cousins that said when they decided to have children it would not affect their lifestyle and it did not. they took their children with them everywhere they went. However, they saved traveling abroad for when the kids were adults and married with their own families. When they traveled statewide, they took me as a babysitter. I loved it and was able to go a lot of places, but I was the baby sitter. Even if the parents were present, I took care of the kids.

My point is, if your friend really wants to go and her husband really wants her to go, perhaps instead of leaving the baby with the Nanny in the states, they can take the nanny with them abroad. this way, if the baby is too tired to go on an outing, but the mom really wants to go, baby and nanny stay at the hotel while parents go experience the trip. If baby goes, nanny goes. I would rather take my nanny than leave my baby with the nanny for 3 weeks. Maybe she can consider that.

Best of luck to your friend in her decision making. Nice of you to seek help for her.

L.

personally that is too long for a one year old to be without her mom. I would take her bc if something happens its not like she and her husband can just get in a car and drive back home.

At one most babies sleep in a stroller and in car rides so I would just fine things to do throughout the day that will accomidate a car ride and a stroller walk.
And the family should understand that bc she is a baby that there are things she needs as well.

I would not leave her for that long. Unless it is grandma and that is the only place she will be atsying while your friend wi.ll be gone. If she will be staying with one person this week and a different one the following week its not worth it and the baby will be the one to have a hard time.
PS I am a first time mom to a 3 and a half your old who went on a family reunion cruise to mexico at 18 monthes and a 2 week alaskan/ canadian cruise in May 2008. He has also flown on airplanes with no real big issues.

Please just take her with you. that is way too long to be without mommy.

Well personally I can totally understand this. I couldn't leave my child of that age for 3 weeks.

If she does she might not have any fun do to worry as well.

How about her nanny go with, then at least there is another resource for her to assist her.

Could she bring a nanny with her?

Your friend is not thinking about the welfare of her daughter, she is concentrating on her perceived guilt because she believes she "should be with her daughter". Her daughter will be miserable and therefore all of them will be miserable. This is not fair to her husband's family. Your friend needs to remember that her husband came first, then her daughter. When her daughter gets older they can make the same trip and it will have much better results.
As to her daughter, she will be fine with the nanny and will be much happier. The plane trip alone will be miserable for all of them and no child should have to endure this if they don't have to.
The child will be much happier in her own environment and your friend and her husband need a vacation without her. Hopefully, this will be one of many vacations without her child. You are a couple first, a parent next.
I hope this helps her decide to make the right decision, to leave her daughter in good hands and go and enjoy her time with her husband and his family.

the best solution would be to take a nanny with you on the trip. she will need help managing the baby, and when the day is too long, the baby can stay back at the hotel with the nanny so that she doesn't become overwhelmed. A baby needs it's mommy, and 3 weeks is too long. sacrafices need to be made-- it's just part of being a parent. Otherwise, this family needs to bow out of the trip for now, and wait till the baby is older for such an experience.

Hi, C.,

I have taken my kids, who are now 30 months and 15 months old, abroad more than once. The longest trip lasted less than ten days, less than half the time your friend's trip will last. I would consider a few things in deciding whether to take the baby or not:
1. How many kids are traveling? How many adults are traveling? In terms of trip difficulty, I find two adults and one kid/baby pretty easy, two adults and two kids/babies moderately easy, one adult and one baby moderately difficult and one adult and two babies very difficult.
2. How many stops must you make to get to your destination? For me, no stops was fairly easy, one stop was fairly (potentially) difficult, and two or more stops quite difficult.
3. How is the weather at your destination(s)? The colder it is and the more changes of climate you will experience on the trip the more clothing and gear you have to bring, which will noticeably affect your stamina and perhaps mindset.
4. What type of excursions will you participate in? Some are easier to manage with a baby than others. Can the parents sit out some of the excursions?
5. How comfortable are you traveling around this destination? I find trips to places that are very familiar, e.g. Canada visiting relatives or the Bahamas staying at a resort, easier than places that are unfamiliar to me, e.g. China by myself.
6. How energetic and healthy are you? The more energetic you are the more you will enjoy a trip with a baby.
7. What is your baby's personality? Does she seem to like to travel? Under what conditions?

Good luck in making the decision.

Lynne E

Hi C.~ If your friend is able to bring a family member or nanny on the trip, she should try to do that so that the baby can be with her and she can still go and do everything with her husbands family. That way the baby can be a part of the travel, but stay at the hotel when it is nap time and just time to relax. I could not personally leave my baby for 1 day when they were that age and the first one, never... I would have hated the trip!! It will only cause her stress and that could cause some resentment and eventually arguments between she and her husband. If they can ot bring someone to help care for the child and she really feels that she needs to be there, maybe she can do 1/2 the days activities and then let her husband do the rest and she can be with the baby for quiet/nap time.

Best of luck to her and it is really sweet that you are such a caring friend to her :)
W.

Leave the baby home. 1yr is young enough that she'll be easy to keep distracted and as long as she's w/ familiar faces it should be fine. Enjoy the trip!