Please Help Me - Phoenix, AZ

M.,

As I was reading your cry, I really felt the need in my spirit to pray for you. If that is OK, here it goes. Father God, you are hearing the cry of your daughter, as she feels she is slipping into depression. I stand with my sister and speak against the spirit of depression in her home. I ask you Lord, to go to her deepest hurts, go to that place inside of her that is hurting right now, Lord, and bring her your unabounding peace, love and joy. Go to her intricate places, Lord and hold her in your arms. Give her discernment with her children, give her understanding about her future, give her hope that her life isn't going to be like she thinks. Help her to know you love her like she could ever imagine, that you have more good thoughts towards her, than grains of sand on the earth. That there is a purpose for where she is, not for depression to overtake her. I thank you Lord, for all this in Jesus Might Name, AMEN!

Having said that, when my Zoe was a baby, I used to do the same thing and she would fall asleep to the bottle. At 9 months old, I weaned her from that. I talked to her doctor about it, and he said its ok for her to cry, that it would not be detrimental to her. I listened and endured, thank goodness. It worked, but it took a couple weeks. The main thing is to not give in, and go spend some time with your 4 year old outside or something, so you don't have to listen to her scream. Zoe is 8 now, and she is just fine. If anything, she is much more stronger and more sure of herself and not afraid to go to bed...most of the time. I'll be praying for you and lifting you up, M.. H. in Goodyear

I will pray for you too. Prayer works. Pray for yourself too. It's hard to fill your head with angry thoughts when your already using it to talk to God.

I know it's easier said than done but try to focus on the fact that home is where your heart is, meaning the people you love. A house is a house is a house.

Ok I know this is hard, but you have to be strong for your kids. I think you need to take walks with them and have your 4yr look and point things out. Play games and just try to have some fun. This is a hard situation that you are in and for right now you need to try and make the best of it. Your kids need you to stay positive. The more you relax the more your kids will. They feed off your emotions. I don't know how you feel about this, but church is always a good thing. They always have a place for the kids and you get to get some you time in also. This will also provide you some other outlets and friends. You and your family can really benefit from going. Then you will also find peace of mind. Remember this to shall pass and you can make it through it :)

As for the bottle, well maybe try to take it away. I am not one for allowing children to cry things out, so maybe either snuggle till she falls asleep or maybe try a pacifier. Although remember if you do that will have to take that away some day too.

Good Luck
W.

Hi M.

Glad that you reached out for someone to help. I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with your mother-in-law, but the best idea I can give is set a routine up with your kids.

Once you all have a routine set up, take it from there. Also it would be good for all of you to go to the library and find out about playgroups.

Keep your eye on the prize, for your sake, I am hoping this is a short stint before you all move into a more suitable home.

Take care

J.

first I think you should know that you are not alone and are supported. the situation you're in is hard and it's a good practice to decide whether you're up for the challenge or not. if you're not up for the challenge, easy, move back home. if you're up to the challenge, then make the decision and remind your self of that choice each day, several times a day.
same with the bottle, you'll need to make a choice of whether you want her to have it or not. at the point a clear decision is made, follow through. if you don't want her to have it, then yes, you'll have to put up with the tantrums yet don't give in. remind yourself that you're the parent and you're helping her to mature and take care of herself. there are some adults who 'cry' when they don't get what they want, is that what you would like for your daughter? some people call it tough love.
good luck.

Hang in there. You will get through it. Try taking your little ones outside. The weather is nice enough now. Bubbles will entertain both of them for a while. Sidwalk chalk. Digging in the dirt. So what if they get a little dirty. That is what being a kid is all about. Plus watching them have all that fun will lift your spirits too. Maybe join in with them, let your inner child out and have fun with your kids. Put on some music and silly dance around. Scavenger hunts. Walks to find interesting things, bugs, leaves, etc. I found that if I force myself to play with my kids, even though I don't really want too, I come out of it in a better mood than what I started with. Good luck. You WILL get through this.

It sounds like you are under alot of stess right now. I am a 35 year old mom 3 kids, 15 1/2, 10 and 4. I also have a 21 year old step son that I helped raise when he was a teenager. Anyways with regards to depression when our family first moved her 4 1/2 years ago I became very depressed for awhile after my youngest was born. You have a right to be depressed you are going thru alot but you have to also realize that your children especially being so young communicate on a much different level than just language they can FEEL things like your stress, your husbands stress, there own stress. So as a mom it is up to you to maintain as much sainity in the situation. Don't be so hard on yourself and take a couple minutes everyday to do something for yourself since the majority of your life revolves around doing stuff for everyone else. I would also recommend joining a mommy group that is what really helped with my depression from isolation even if you have to drive your husband to work once a week so you can have the car to meet at the park. I personally would not even try to take the bottle away from the baby at night. That will just add to the mix, yes of course you are taking a chance at having to deal with teeth issues but you have to weigh what is worse at this point. Good Luck with it all.

I haven't been on Mamasource in a while, but when I got their daily message in my inbox, I couldn't help reading your message and feeling compelled to reach out to you!
I feel for you so much. Even though I can't imagine living in a motor home with my family. I know it's got to be cramped, the feeling of being trapped, feeling secluded etc. My gosh, a whole new start, but with little space to do it in.
Please know this hon, it will get better. Yes your son is acting out because this is a huge change for him. More quality time with him, and more talking about your situation with him will help. Talk to him about how you are feeling. And talk to him about how he may be feeling and encourage him to tell you how he feels. That will help. It will help him to know that mommy understands how he feels.
I am a stay at home mom too. We only have one vehicle, and my husband takes it to work. Sometimes he'll come back home to bring me the truck so I can use it, but most of the time I'm here at home. My son is four years old too. He goes to developmental preschool. It's a great way for him to get out and socialize with other kids.
Giving your baby a bottle at bedtime is not a bad habit. Just don't leave it in the crib with her and let her suck on it while being by herself. That could end up a dangerous situation. What we did with our son at her age, is that we sat in the chair in his room at bedtime, and we held him while giving him his milk, and then when he was done, we cradled him in our arms after he burped, and we held him until he fell asleep. Then we transfered him into his crib.
Don't stop the bottle at bedtime. We kept giving our son milk, but through a sippy cup around 11 mos old, even right before bed. It helps fill their tummies and it helps relax them. :-) So you are doing just fine. Just make sure you don't leave the bottle in the crib with her when she is laying down ok.
I tried letting our son 'cry it out' too when I was trying to get him to go to sleep on his own etc. You know what I came up with? Screw that! I said to myself. Our babies need us! They do not understand the meaning of 'cry it out'. That's one of the important ways they communicate with us, is through crying. So who are we to deny them when they do cry? (this is what I was thinking when I tried this method myself). They cry for all sorts of different reasons. As our babies are growing, even at four years of age, I'm finding out that they still need us to provide security. They still need to know we will be there whenever they need us. Some parents were successful with the 'cry it out' method. However, I don't believe in that. I believe we should be there any time our babies need us. It helps build security and comfort within them.
Take care hon. Everything will be ok. Sounds like you and your family are starting out in a new area, and sometimes we have to sacrifice, to get things we need, and to get ahead in the future. Everything will work out. Stay positive. And you may have heard this already, but your kids do sense what you are feeling. So be careful what you show and express with your kiddos around ok. If you need to, go scream into a pillow to let out some anxiety. I've done that too. And it helped me.
But always talk about your feelings too with your husband. Just let him know it's a very hard adjustment for you all, but you have faith that everything will work out. Thank him for all his hard work too. That will help him and encourage him too. :-)
Take care.
G.

I know what it is like moving from home. We moved to Tucson, from CA 6-1/2 years ago when my oldest son was almost 2 years old. He acted up as well in the beginning. He calmed down some though after about 6 months or so. The difference is that we have absolutely NO family in Tucson. I got really depressed for a while until I started making friends. It helps a lot, just to be able to talk about it. I had a car as well, so I could get out of the house and go places, but with the depression hitting as it did, I just had no desire to do so at the time. Just have faith that the situation you are in now, will not last forever. You will get to a better space and be back to yourself, it will just take a little time.

As for the bottle at night. I would give the last bottle about 1/2 hour before bed and brush the gums right after. If you need to give another bottle before bed, give water in the bottle. You will promote teeth to come through without cavities that way. It is ok to give babies water and it helps a lot in keeping them hydrated.

Just know you are not alone in your situations. If you need time out of the house. Take the kids for a walk in the neighborhood. You might be able to meet some of your new neighbors and make some friends, or just get out and not be so cramped in the motor home all the time. Take care and have fun with your babies. You will be fine.

D. P.

It may seem right now like you are stuck for eternity but things will change in time. I'm not religious so I won't preach at you to pray and trust the Lord. Just relax (cry a little if you need to) and remind yourself what is good in your life. It may be difficult and it's understandable that you miss your own home but you have a roof over your family's heads - it may be a motor home but at least they aren't sleeping in a shelter with strangers. You must have food and clothes - at least enough to survive. You have your children and husband (and even mother-in-law) so you aren't alone. You need to be strong and put on a good face so that your kids won't be insecure. You are right about the change causing your son's distress and acting up. Make it an adventure - look for something each day to be grateful for - even if it's just the chance to get on the computer for a minute and checkout the MamaSource site. Look for ways to improve your situation and circumstances - and take the opportunities when they arise. Religious or not - I believe in "ask and you shall receive" - so be careful what you wish for. As for the baby bottle - if you are very concerned the sooner you take it the sooner you all get over it. Do some extra cuddling or story book reading instead. And if you are interested in an easy home-based business opportunity doing good for yourself, your family and the planet, let me know. Good luck!

It sounds like you have a lot to handle in your life right now. I'm not sure where you live, but maybe you can contact a nearby church that could offer some support. Look for a mom's group and maybe you could catch a ride with someone to the meetings. Since you are living in tight quarters, it may be good to try and get your 4-year-old out of the house to burn off some energy, even if it means just walking around the block a few times. You might even meet some neighbors on your walks!
I wouldn't worry right now about the bottle issue -- that's not a big deal. The most important thing is to keep your health and mental health up right now. Good luck and please look for help wherever you can, there are many moms who have the same feelings!

Hi M.-
Oh, honey, it sounds like it's all too much. It's OK for your daughter to be attached to you. Just hold her while she nurses, then gently substitute the pacifier as she goes to sleep. You are not terrible, and you don't have bad habits.

Your son's reaction is absolutely normal- kids hate being uprooted and taken from their homes and their routines. It is very upsetting to them. He is also four, the appropriate age for a young man to begin his separation from his mother. Let him know that you love him, that it is hard, but you understand. He will continue to get better. There are probably womens' groups in your area: see if you can find one that sponsors a play date for you and your children at least once a week.

Do you attend church? Lots of those people are willing to go out of their way to take people to church. Your womens' group may come out of that setting, also. A good church secretary or pastor should have a lot of that information at her fingertips. Or, for transportation out of there- call a help line, and explain your predicament. Keep calling until you get some solutions. There has to be transportation, there has to be a Dr. and a prescription for a decent anti-depressant, and there has to be some support from other women. Why doesn't your husband take you to the Dr? He's not working right now. If there are problems related to his treatment of you, call a Domestic Violence agency. They are in the phone book and on the net. if you decide to leave, take the children with you. A mother who deserts has trouble getting her children back.

Some towns have free transportation once you make it into town. This is a situational depression. You have had to give up a great deal, you have two young children, and (apparently) no support system at all to take the edge off.

Don't lose it- you can do this, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't, or that you are terrible, or that you have bad habits (you are fine. You are just going through a rough patch). We are cheering for you- hear us? :-) S.

I would do everything you can to avoid the cry it out stuff over the bottle. Even if crying it out could be proven totally safe (but it can't...lack of research to prove it and plenty to conclude that it is harmful) it would be really stressful to YOU to hear the crying...adding to your depression risk.
Try other comfort methods for sure...have husband help if at all possible.
You could try wiping her mouth/teeth after she falls asleep. There is a product called Spry...a xylitol tooth gel...made for babies..no fluoride. safe to swallow. It's about 5 dollars at Sprouts. Try that when you wipe her mouth or finger brush teeth.
Your poor son...do whatever you can to help him adjust. Don't take his outbursts personally. I like Laura Markham's site for ideas to deal with problems.
I would see if there are any state programs that could be a back up so you do not develop full on depression. The downside is a loss of privacy, but I would not want you to end up hurting your kids or self! Are there no family members or friends able or willing to help? You can claim your isolation is causing real problems...I also wonder how safe it is not to be able to get to anything...esp in an emergency. What is the closest local school? They can point you in the direction of something, I would hope. They want to see healthy kids and families.

You should wait for your daughter til everything comes together. We as moms do lots of things we "shouldn't" yet our children do well in spite of it. I like the the answers you received, the prayer, taking walks, get out and walk away for a while and let your children run wild. Without the hard times we never appreciate the good....and I pray the good times are coming for you soon. There are yahoo groups that you can be a part of just to chat with other moms and to be able to vent. You should check them out!!!! Take care.

I feel for you so much. I am 43 yrs. old now and you sound like me when I was your age. Whatever you do don't be depressed instead enjoy the time today because these are the simple times when you need to enjoy your kids and really savor them because take it from me a mom of 3 they grow up and leave before you know it. So these are the most precious times of your life now. You don't work...take that as a blessing and go for walks in the woods or in the middle of nowhere where you live. Have little picnics, bike rides,maybe collect and paints some rocks. Paint at dollar store is cheap. Just let them paint the rocks. YOu can buy a cheap spray to coat the rocks when the paint dries. And it decorates the yard. Just take time to chill, smell the flowers, feel the breeze. Now is you and your babies time! Age 4 is a trying time by next yr. it will be better. Your son is probably feeling displaced yes but is probably bored so if you keep him busy with his mind and make him tired from your activities with help. As for you 9 mo. old it is just my opinion and how I did it with my kids. One of them stopped the bottle at age 12 mos. and the other at age 2. And I had a 3 yr. old with a pacifier. Shoot me now is what I used to think. I do what is right for the kid. Now they are older so that little stuff back then doesn't really matter. I just go with the flow. Many things in life doesn't matter like when we get so angry with our kids but in 20 yrs. that stuff won't matter so it is best to know that now and relax and let life take its toll. Your 9 mo. old probably needs that bottle or security now more than ever and you are so under pressure I would just let her/him have the bottle. My daughter sucked her thumb until age 9 (yep I know!) I even when I was growing up made fun of a 7th grader sucking her thumb and here I get karma with my daughter. Lol But my point is the dentist told me they are making her teeth buck like and she will need braces. I did nothing and she is age 10 and her teeth are fine now that the dentist told me to not worry about braces afterall. I didn't listen and just waited a little. I knew the teeth should just run their course instead of some doctor telling me. Enjoy your time now is all I can say because I look back and what I now know I would have never been depressed when I was a young mother/woman in my 20's or 30's! I wasted my youth being depressed and worried! Nothing has changed except I got wiser and my body hurts now from age. Fully enjoy your youth before your body breaks down from good old age. Good luck hope I helped some!
P.S. I know you say you don't have a car but when you can go to parks or the library. My kids loved the library. We would go there for 2 hrs sometimes. It sure was great to pass the day healthy and a nap afterwards! Then they get so excited to take a book home and learn to take care of it.

I am so sorry to hear about the hard hard time you are having!!! So many transitions and difficult situation. One of those transitions would be enough, but all together - WOW! I don't know about advice - as far as the bottle - I would just make sure she doesn't have the bottle with her during the night - where she can drink on it off and on all night. As far as the cry it out - we couldn't do that and our daughter still crawls into bed with us - she just turned 2. I'm not opposed to it though - actually like sleeping with her. I would say to just keep your kids as close to you as you can right now to get through this difficult transition. I wish you the best and feel for you. Sorry not of much help, but sending my support.

Hi M. - I read your message and I know how overwhelmed you must be. I think you need to deal with only one thing at a time and looks like your mental health should be the first. I wish I had someone to refer you too but I don't so hopefully someone else does. Right now I wouldn't worry too much about the "bad habit" you've started, God knows there are worse things to do then give your girl a bottle at night. You sound like a good mom who just needs a little help. Don't be afraid to ask your husband or in-laws. It is a stressful time and you shouldn't have to go it alone. As for your son just remember "this too shall pass" kids need an adjustment time as well as adults so let him get through this period with your love and support. Good Luck!

M., hang in there. It WILL get better. Moving to a new place is hard and our husbands sometimes don't understand that they have instant friends at work and nothing has really changed for them except location.
Church is always a good place to find friends.
As for being "harder" on your children it's okay. They are feeling uprooted and reflecting your vibes. Children really do need discipline and limits. They may not act like it at the time, but they will feel safer with limits.
I think it's a good idea to rest when the children do. Sure you don't get as much done, but if you are worn out on top of everything else you'll have a harder time.

Hi M.!
Bless your heart! I am so sorry to hear how stessed you are. As far as the bottle thing goes, I would stop as soon as possible so she doesnt get too used to it. I know the crying thing is soooo hard, but after 3 or 4 nights, she'll be fine. I had to do the same thing. I remember I stood in the hallway the whole time she cried until she FINALLY fell asleep. It went on for 3 days and the 4th day she cried only a little bit and went right to sleep. So it will tear you up, but it will be totally worth it. On to another subject, is there a community hall there in the motorhome park? Usually there is a place where there's games and stuff to do. Maybe that will help your little boy. Or maybe find a park near by so he can play and run out his energy? Or even get new coloring books or start working on some preschool stuff with him. That would probably take yours and his mind off the situation for a while. Anyways, I hope I could help a little bit. I'll be praying for you and your family! As hard as this is, just try to stay positive and enjoy your babies while they're little. :.)
D.

I am so sorry you have to go through the stresses of moving along with being a mom of young children. We all know how hard it is to deal with a lot all at once. I would suggest going on walks at least twice a day. We have the greatest weather! Your son will get to burn off energy and he will love exploring the great outdoors. If you don't have a stroller, I'm sure someone on this site could get you one.

Each day could be a different theme of what you are looking for (e.g. things that start with a T sound), you could make a list for a scavenger hunt, you could look for things that are living, you can see how many different leaves you can find and make a collection, etc. Crafts are fun too. If you don't know how to make homemade play dough, just go online.

Do you still have boxes from the move? Make a fort for your son. Let him design it and paint it (or color it). He can make a sign with his name on it. Teach him to be creative by giving him the stuff and some ideas but let him decide what to do with it.

I'm sure your son will calm down once he can direct his energy toward something. Then he will thrive on all the praise he gets for finding things or making things, etc. This is a wonderful time to spend with your kids!

M.,

Try to hang in there. My son woke up on the middle of the night a lot and ws thirsty. She suggested putting water in the bottle or sippy. It doesn't hurt the teeth and solved the problem. With the otder kiddo take him on a walk if you can. Fresh air will do both of you some good. Plus it will hopefully get him tired. Also when my 2 yr old gets alittle of we give him a snack, it usually helps too. Hang it there and try to be patient. It will get better. :)

K.

Hi M.,

So sorry that you are dealing with a lot of stress right now. Please know that God will guide you through and God never gives you more than you can handle. I agree with a prior mom that taking walks a couple of times a day might help. Maybe take your 4 yr old on one of the walks - just you and him - he may feel frustrated due to the move as well as having a baby sister to "compete" with. You could also bake cookies with him, play tag, hide/seek etc. Easy and fun games that don't cost money and can make a child's day.

As for yourself, can your mother-in-law watch the kids for a couple of hours a week? You could walk to a park or even a local coffee shop and read/etc - just take a little bit of time for yourself - you are a very busy mom and you deserve it!!!

Hang in there, things will get better. God already helped by letting you know about this website. See, even little things are gifts from above and they really do help.

God Bless.

L.

.

Hi M., I feel for you, and good for you for reaching out! I had a friend who once lived in a travel trailer way out in the woods for about a year with her husband and 5 kids. She made it a pretend vacation... You don't say where you are, but getting outdoors as much as you can with your kids will help you all feel better. Take advantage of being out in the middle of nowhere and make mud pies, dig in the dirt, build "elf villages" from sticks and rocks and leaves. Take long walks. Toast marshmellows and cook outside as much as you can. When you can get to a library, stock-up on good kids books and spend lots of snuggle time reading. You don't say where your Mother-in-law or husband are, but maybe they can give you some uninterrupted time each day just for you... give yourself a facial, a pedicure... try new hairstyles... read, write... what ever makes you feel good. As for the bottle dilema... maybe just relax and hold her 'til she goes to sleep? At least it feels good! :) The key is to change your mind, so it's all a fun adventure. Much love and blessings to you.

I will join in the prayer of the other lady who posted that too. I think all of us mom's out here can relate to feeling overwhelmed. I can't imagine having two at your age. I agree with the other posts too... get out, breathe fresh air, sit in the sun, sing with your kids, take a shower (if you can), find some grass and lay around with your kids on a blanket... simple things. Nature is healing. You are strong!

My dear, you sound like you really need a friend. I am not sure what I can do for you, but I had to respond and say hang in there. When I have days that seem never ending, I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." Maybe that is not much comfort, but it kept me sane many times. It is not easy to move and if you are in a motor home out by yourself that makes it even harder. It sounds like your son is having a hard time adjusting to the move, but kiddos come around pretty quick when they get some extra attention so they feel more secure in what is happening. You mention being concerned about giving your daughter a bottle to go to sleep. If it helps at this difficult time, my advice is to let her have a bottle. I did give my babies a bottle with water at night so I didn't have to worry about milk on their teeth, and it seemed to work very well. You need to take care of yourself as best as you can. You know the saying "If Momma ain't happy, no one's happy." Try to do something special for yourself, even if it is just polishing your nails, or taking a walk (maybe dad can watch the kids) or take them with you and get out of the confined space you are living in. Hope some of this helps you.
God Bless.

Hay M.,I Truly wish I had the right words to share with you,I completely understand how hard this time for you must be!Any change can be hard expectaly when living very close to someone elses family,away from your home and two small babbies!!I can tell you how strong you already are to be able to get through one more day,reaching out to any single soul willing to hear you,to understand that there are so many others out here like yourself with serious needs is a big step in the right direction.Smile big and you love those beautifull babbies even when your son acts out.Maybe tell him how you know moving is different but that dosnt mean your rules are.Be consistant,dont give in yet use a side track plan where you might try to get him interested in something totally different then his immeadeat trouble like, "look at that!! What in the world is going on with those silly clouds?" Extra praise him for making a right decision.Focus in on your two babbies and be the best mom you can be! Yourself! Remember it is your responsibility to love and teach those babbies right now.Listen to any and all advice yet you decide what is right for your kids. Not everyone is the same. Some babbies need thier bottels a little longer.When the time is right ween the bottle from your little one. She is attached and might need to slowly get off ,this might help so she dosent cry so much. I am so very proud of you for not making your babbies cry it out every night,Loving them through the night is part of our job and your kids will probaly stay close to you as they get older for that. Well I hope I did not scare you, I am just a mom who has been through the ringer and then some and still learning new things.I had my son when I was 21,and my daughter at 23 found myself married. We did not have our own place,lived only near his family and he was not really working and then was gone all the time. I did not think I would make it. We do.Stay strong M.,you can do this. need anything just ask I will do what I can to help. stay strong girl,
C. marie