Please Help: Court Issues

I think that it depends on the judge, because my friend had no overnights until the child was two because of breastfeeding - so I wish you the best of luck.

No telling... It's just sad. You are entering a very long journey of uncertainty on a regular basis. I was there. I'll pray for you all.

(coming from my own experience) I wish I would've treasured myself more than to make the decisions I made. Those of you raising daughters please help your daughters to see their worth. We need to choose better mates. And not make decisions before were ready.

I would suggest that you begin preparing NOW for the possibility that your son will soon be spending overnight visits with his Dad. I have no idea what kind of man he is, what kind of relationship you have with him, but the fact remains he is your son's Dad and he deserves to have a relationship with him.
Since this is a very real possibility, the kindest thing to do for your son is to get him ready to be as happy and content while he is with his Dad as he can be. Start pumping and feeding him from a bottle at least once a day. If he doesn't want to take the bottle from you, then enlist someone else to come in and feed him. This will also start to accustom him to being away from you, so the overnight visits with his Dad aren't that traumatic for him. Think of this positively, not negatively, he will benefit from having a positive, active role with his Dad, and you can use the time that he is with his Dad to do things that you want to do on your own.
There is no reason that the relationship between divorced parents needs to be adversarial, both of you love your little boy, concentrate on making his life as full and complete as you possible can!!!
Good luck to you
R. Ann

I hate to be the barer of bad news, but at his age I don't see where nursing is going to keep a judge from granting overnight visits. I would start working on the sippy cup / bottle taking to make it easier for your son. (He is old enough, unless he is developmentally challenged)You may get lucky with a good enough lawyer & a compassionate judge. I'm sorry - I know it has to be tough thinking about letting your son leave for overnight, but it will usually take an EXTREME circumstance to keep overnights from happening. If there's anyway your attorney could prove other reasons that aren't good for your son & overnights, like unstable living conditions, or where he lives, people he lives with, etc. it would hold better ground. Good luck & I hope it works out for you!

I understand your worry, but could you just pump and give him a bottle? If he is a decent dad I think he has the right to have his son overnight too. Hes also at the age when hes going to need to learn to drink from a sippy cup anyways.

First and foremost I want to applaud you for nursing your son and trying to provide what is best for him under what must be very trying circumstances. Mom's like you are nothing less than heroic!

We often feel trapped when we think there are only 2 possibilities. In this situation, you might be surprised at the various approaches that can work. I will offer just a few ideas, but if your lawyer is worth his/her salt, he/she should inform you about a variety of options or at least be able to refer you to people who specialize in helping parents negotiate these issues with the interests of the child as a priority.

I don't know if you have much success discussing issues with your ex, but it might be a lot easier to convince him than to convince a judge. If you cannot speak with him directly, perhaps you can discuss options through the lawyers.

Many parents in your position develop what is called a parenting plan. In these plans you can stipulate agreements on issues such as religious practices, consistant bed times, diet and health plans, holiday observances, and even a long term graduated plan for visitations. You might ask your husband to agree on a plan that will allow daytime visititions to increase by 30 minutes or an hour each week over a 6 - 9 month period before sleeping over. This will allow your son to gradually adapt to the change so as to avoid emotional trauma and will get him to an age that is more developmentally on target for weaning. You can even look further down the road and agree to a full week with Dad at age 5 or 7, etc. By agreeing to these things in a reasonable way now, it may prevent constant renegotiations over the years. You can even stipulate whether or not your son should stay with you if he is ill, whether time missed due to illness or scheduling problems is to be made up later, etc.

Offering a plan that is well thought out and is genuinely trying to be inclusive and respectful is a good faith approach that may allow your ex to wait just a little longer so long as he knows he won't have to fight for what he wants later. Of course, if there is a great deal of antipathy over the divorce and suspicions have become habitual, a good faith offer may not be perceived as such. If you can communicate your desire to create a parenting relationship that is truly respectful and to create a supportive family life for your son, you will likely be able to develop a parenting plan that is reasonable.

One benefit of having a mutually agreed upon parenting plan in place is that, if your ex starts crossing boundaries, you can respectfully ask if he feels the plan needs to be redesigned and if he would like to set asside time for the two of you to explore ideas for rewriting the plan and having the lawyers refile the document. That way, if it is an issue that he feels is worth the trouble, there is a way to work it out. And, if he is just being careless, it will remind him that there are legal boundaries. Just do your best to approach this in a manner that is focussed on solutions, not pointing fingers of blame or using the parenting plan with a punishing attitude. If he accuses you of that, try to stay calm and remind him that you are doing your best, you don't think you deserve that accusation, and that you would like the two of you to afford each other genuine kindness and respect. These kind of emotions are easily triggered in these situations, but indulging them can easily turn an opportunity to consult into The War of the Roses.

If there is no possibility of working this out with your ex and you are left with letting the judge decide, you can present what you feel is a reasonable parenting plan. If the judge sees that you have thought things out, that you are presenting a plan that respects the father's rights and your son's needs, and that your ex will eventually get what he is asking for, the judge may well appreciate that you did his/her work and presented a fair solution. If the judge sees that you are not contentious, but are offering a fair and reasonable plan, he/she may favor your plan out of respect for the maturity of your approach. Of course this is assuming you get a judge who can still appreciate anything genuine, hasn't been bought, or uses something more than flipping a coin as the basis for making decisions.

The fact is that family court can be terribly unpredictable. I've seen too much to ever assume that things will be done with reason and fairness in that system. This is why I recommend that you reach an agreement with your ex and have the lawyers file the agreement as a legal and binding document rather than leaving it to the courts to make your decisions for you. From what I have seen among my friends, family members, and clients, almost everytime the court was left to make a family's decisions for them, everyone in the family suffered for it. There are no winners in these semi-private wars.

If you do work out a parenting plan, be sure your lawyer lists reasons for renegotiation of terms, such as moving to another city, living with a partner without benefit of marriage, etc, as well as reasons to temporarily postpone visitations. I know a woman whose ex kept a dog that had badly bitten 4 of his five children. The pediatrician had told the father to remove the dog from the home after it had bitten the first child, but he did not do that until family services stepped in and forced him to because a domestic situation between him and his girlfriend brought the police to his door. So, I would have the lawyer include that you have the right to choose your son's doctor. Then, under reasons for postponing visitations, I would include any conditions his pediatrician deems dangerous.

I know this is a lot to think about, but it is better to think it out now than to be in a powerless position later.

You are obviously a caring mother and I trust that we only want to be supportive of your efforts. But, I did appreciate what one mother said about teaching our daughters to value themselves and helping them learn to look for virtue in a man before subjecting themselves to the possibility of becoming parental partners. It has become popular to think that sexuality as our personal right to gratification. The fact is that marriage/sex is an act that, however private it may be in practice, will dynamically affect family, friends, and community. We tried to teach our son that he does not have the right to create hardship for his children and the rest of us by being cavalier, nor the right to wreck someone he loves emotionally with casual sex or by being irresponsible in marriage. This is not said as a judgment of the choices people like you and I have made and suffered from. Rather, it is an attempt to get honest and reflect on how we can help our children to feel equipped to do this a bit better than we did. As far as I am concerned, it is great if my son can learn from some of my shortsightedness. He will still have plenty of mistakes to learn from. Hopefully, his children won't have to make the same mistakes he will! I am happy to say that he waited for the right girl. That is one example he will be able to give his children about how to do something well!

Best wishes and sincere prayers for things to work out better than you ever hoped!

I have a friend whos faterh left her after she to;d him she was pregnant now after seeing his daughter being born he soon went after custody rights of her and won she was exclusive breastfeed and explained this to the judge but that didn't matter she either had to pump her milk and have the father use a bottle or use formula.To my understanding in the eyes of the court it doens't matter how one child is feed it is the childs best interest and the parental right to see the3ir child.Good Luck

Good Morning L., if you have an attorney you might mention Logan's feeding routine. Ask their advice, sometimes Judges can be very understanding and other times it seems they are cold and unfeeling.

You might talk to your EX and ask him if he would wait on the over nights until you can get Logan adjusted to a bottle or sippy cup. Cause one night with out being used to anything but mama is NOT a pretty sight, and he just might pull out his hair or bring him home early.

Sometimes it's only a few times trying with a bottle, and sometimes its a struggle.
Has he had visitation (day time) before? If so what did he do then when Logan needed feeding? Personally L., I think I would speak to my atty. if he has never had visitation with Logan during the day yet, I sure would feel antsy with him taking him over night, even if he is Logan's father.
I would start with short day time visits first.

God Bless L., so sorry for what you are going through.
K. Nana of 5

hi L.! i actually had the same issue with me ex. i noticed you lived in kck and i lived in opks at the time. my ex was only allowed to have our sone for 2 hours at a time because he was nursing. he wasn't exclusive after one year, but he still nursed and at one year he got to keep him for 4 hours at a time. he wasn't allowed overnights until he was done nursing. i nursed for 16 months and he started staying over night once a week when he was about 20 months old. it might depend on your lawyer and judge, but that's what i got...so hopefully you won't have anything to worry about. i have been in your shoes before though and it will all work out for the best interest of your son!!! good luck!!!

time to wean for daddy time

Breast feeding will not excuse your husbands rights.
If you want to continue breast feeding you need to start pumping and for your sons sake get him used to a bottle or a sippy cup ( he is old enough to start learning how to drink from a cup) for some feedings, because it is inevitable that he will have over nights and you want it to be less traumatic for your child, no matter what your feelings are for your ex.
All you can do is ask, it can't hurt...but these days a person has to have some pretty deep reasons to not get equal visitations with their child.
I am sorry I know it is stressful, but always try to keep what is best for your child in mind. A child deserves a mother and a father.
Lots of luck
B.

Hi L.,

I would highly recommend you have look at mothering.com (I am pretty sure I've seen articles about this issue there before, and at the least you will find some support for your situation) and also get in touch with a La Leche League leader. I think they might have access to legal advice on nursing.

Good luck!

Unfortunately, no. I've been there with my ex... if your baby is older than 6 months old, the judge expects him to be on some form of food, or accept a bottle or sippy cup. Does your baby eat food during the day? You said "exclusively breastfed", so that gave me the impression he is not on solid foods at all. Also, judges in JoCo really side with fathers no matter what. They know the baby can learn to drink from a cup/bottle.... You need to Look up the "johnson County Standard visitation guidelines". They were written by gary kretchmer. They state that fathers get at an ABSOLUTE minimum (in johnson county, with no exceptions to this... trust me, I've tried everything) every other weekend from fri at 5pm until sunday at 5pm and every single wed night from pick up at school or daycare until thursday am, when they take the baby to daycare or school. Plus every other holidays and 3 weeks vacation in the summer. Just thought I would let you know what the bare minimum is so that you are not shocked. I was sooo shocked when my ex got custody of our son... Didn't know my son would be gone HALF off the weekends until he turns 18. Heartbreaking, I know.

Hi! I have a son who is turning 1 this Thursday. I just went through all kinds of court proceedings. It did not turn out the way I wanted it to. I don't know if it depends on what judge you get either. I don't think it is going to factor in that your son is exclusively breastfed. They might make you pump. Also, in regards to visitation, they treated my 1 year old as if he was grade school age. He goes Wed and every other weekend. Then, this summer he goes one week with his dad and one week with me for 12 weeks. They didn't care that he was so young. Just be prepared. Let me know how it goes.

I think you have done an amazing thing for your son! My daughter was the same way - she was exclusively breast fed, and would NOT take a bottle, sippy cup, ANYTHING! ...But they have to learn at some point. My husband & I went on a company trip the day after her first birthday, and we left the kids with his parents. (Again, she was nursed ONLY up to this point because she wouldn't take anything else). And guess what - she learned! :)

I can't imagine a judge dropping overnight visits because of this. You could try talking to your ex. Or what about agreeing to let him go, and see how it goes?? If you have no problem with it other than the breastfeeding, then give them a chance. Either your son will get hungry enough to drink from a bottle/cup, or your ex will realize the overnights can hold off until the baby is weaned.

It will be ok!

Be sure you are doing it for that reason. A child needs both parents and I am sure you could bottle your milk for a short time.
If the child was in some sort of danger with the father I could see you going to these extremes but for breast feeding at 11 months seems a bit selfish. These are things I am sure a judge will think of so I brought them to your attention.

yes, there are judges who grant overnight to dads with breastfeeding children. It is devastating to the moms, but the children do learn to cope.

We actually had a case in our family where the judge gave the mom a deadline of 10 days to get the baby onto a bottle for supplementing & for visitation. She had documentation proving how this would adversely affect her supply....& it made no difference.

Sometimes justice to others is served at the expense of us.

L., You have gotten some good feed back. Like most said please prepare yourself because the next 17 years you will be dealing with your ex. The better relationship you can have with him the better it will be for your son. I do think you need to start your son on a sippy cup to prepare for the future. Like one person said if you can work out a plan with your ex and present it to the Judge that would be the best situation. Has your ex had some visitation? I would think a Judge would start things off slow if he has never had visitation.
Good Luck. My ex and I finally get along now that the children are grown and we have grandkids and our kids are getting married. They would have been so much better off if we could have gotten along the 14 years they were growing up and we were divorced.