Please Help??!!! - Barnardsville,NC

Hi T.,

I'm going to make a suggestion, I could be as wrong as I could be right here. It sounds like your son may be quite smart. You've already ruled out ADHD. It sounds to me like he knows exactly what to do to get away with what he wants and exactly how to get your attention. I would suggest you let him talk to the psychologist, maybe even go as a family. If you do, you may be able to rule our psychological causes or you may get insight on how to deal with him.

If there is truely nothing wrong with him, you and your husband are driving yourselves crazy catering to your son so he won't cry or pitch a fit. Smart boy. He knows that if he gets started, you'll give in. You may have to let him cry and pitch. Once he gets started, you can ask him to talk about what's bothering him. If he won't talk, let him cry and pitch some more. Eventually, if crying and fit pitching don't work, he'll either talk or try something else. When my son did this, I just looked at him and said, "That won't work either." Eventually, he learned that he wasn't going to control the house because we were all in fear of his tantrums. If you view it as a tantrum, it's a lot easier to let them get through it. If he tells you he hates himself (I swear little boys must all get this one from the same manual), tell him that it's OK because you and his daddy love him enough to make up for it. (Same goes for, "I'm so stupid.") At the same time, don't allow him to hurt his sister. If he does something to her, you might let her do it back to him. I had to sit and hold (restrain) my son in a chair until he calmed down a couple of times. If he's as smart as he sounds like he may be, he'll be much happier for having learned to deal with frustrations.

Good luck!!

Hi T.,
I'm just speaking from the hip here, so I don't want to offend anyone..Please everyone.. really no offense here:) I just resigned from teaching to stay home and homeschool after seeing some of what I've seen. Part of my problem with teaching is the huge outbreak of using ADHD as an excuse for everything. Be glad they didn't give that name to your son. I won't go on, but really, be thankful he wasn't damaged with that title. I've seen first hand how that hurts kids who just need some other attention. (I've seen it in Middle School boys and I could tell you stories!)
My 7 year old can also be very wild. Boys often are and I've read some books on boys and school. I cut out white sugar from all of our diets.. WOW! Life is just better. I also do my very very best to just let them (7 and almost 4) run wild as much as I can. In school I see them so pent up like they will explode. When I was teaching 5th grade I went against the rules to give my kids 2 recesses. They honestly learned more by being able to sit still from getting that energy out.
That's my two cents. American diets are just crazy... we give our kids soda!! arggg. I send my boys out even if it's cold and it all helps.
Smiles,
Julie

T.,

Your son sounds very much like my oldest son. I talked to a psychiatrist about him and was told he was addicted to the drama and the excitement the drama brings. She told me not to play into it by giving him the dramatic banter and having the house revolve around him. This has worked great for us. when he tries to stir it up with the drama, I refuse to participate and tell him to stay in his room until he calms down. Not that he is punished, just needs 'time out'. I cut off any 'discussions' he wants to have until the drama has passed and we can talk calmly later. My son used to say the same things like 'I hate my life' and 'Nobody loves me'. Saying these things upset me a LOT and I'm sure he knew it. I think it also has to do with control. Try not to play into it. Unfortunately, negative attention is attention nonetheless. My son is 10 now. He is very sensitive and still cries, but things are much better. I try to show him how to use logic to determine what is a 'big deal' and what is not worth getting upset over. For example, when he would hate his life because of a dentist appointment, I would tell him it is just one miserable hour, but it is not his life. Good luck!

Hi T..
My 11 year old son has ADHD and is bipolar. I do have him on meds and it helps some, but not always. He goes to counseling twice a month or more if needed and he sees his doctor every 6 weeks to monitor the meds. The counselor and doctor are in contact with each other about everything. Also his med doses are low. Anyhow, I do know how you feel and actually I have had a hard day with my son today. He does a lot of the same things that your son does and I not only have to take the time to work with him to make him feel better, but balance out the other 3 kid time so they do not feel so left out. He is very smart and a great child when he is in a good mood. You are doing a good job with what you are doing and it is ok to lose your temper sometimes, we all do and it is part of being human. I have cut my sons sugar out quite a bit, I limit his time for Tv and games. He does get bored easily and I notice that is when he is the worst. I also notice that weather afftects his behavior. I usually let him go outside as long as the weather permits and run off some energy. I have a lot of problems with school and homework so I cannot help you there, but the school does work with me about telling me when he is not doing what he needs to. I also encourage him to talk to me and sometimes that does help out a lot. I also know that a routine is good for them too. Let them know if there is something that has to be done before hand and remind them so it doesn't upset them too much. I know it does my son.
I hope I have helped. Feel free to contact me if you just need someone to vent to.
M.

MY step son was just diagnosed recently... it has been a struggle for some time... we decided to try a combo approach to treating him with medicine and counseling... he is doing so much better... it also personally helps me if i remember what things are like for him.... adhd makes it difficult to focus on anything and everything seems like its right in your face... ie sisters crying, parents fussing, whatever it is... i have tried to slow down when i give instructions, give a list, encourage him to repeat things back to me...there is lots of great info on the web about adhd and great suggestions... his meanness my be his way of expressing frustration..with how he feels inside or with not meeting your requests.. :) a little extra tlc goes miles and keeps you from snapping.....:) good luck -R.

Well, you are not alone. I have to ver high energy kids 2 & 5 and tonight I was saying to my husband that they are draining it all out of me. I know it is hard and sometimes you feel like your going to loose it and hey you might but that is OK. I am so tired of women trying to do it all. We are human, we have good days and bad but we do love our kids and the fact that you even did this post shows how much your son means to you. As they say this to shall pass. He will turn out just fine with loving parents like yourselves. It will take time to find what works but you will find. Look for ADHD support groups I am sure there are a lot.

from an ADHD MOM

Couseling and medication DO help and whether you like it or approve of it or not, it will make a difference in your son's and your family's lives. My almost 6 year old was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as ADHD and OD. All of these things put together make for an extremely hard and dangerous family life! She has 2 siblings...one older and one younger...that were afraid to be in the same house as her. Once we finally decided to put her on the meds and put her through the counseling...which took almost a year to talk me into...it changed our whole family life. The difference in her behavior as well as the difference in her mood and the mood of others around her was dramatic. No longer were her siblings afraid to be around her and we can now be happy instead of constantly walking on egg shells around her.

I suggest you at least try the counseling. It will help give you insight on what is causing these outbursts in your son.

Good Luck!

T.,

I know exactly what you are going through!!! My son is ADHD, OCD, and probable Asperger's. We have went through the same exact thing that you are going through. With the help of medication and a wonderful art therapist, we have come a very long way. We no longer have the issues that you described. Even if you do not want to give your son medication, I suggest taking him to an art therapist. Art therapists can not diagnose or prescribe medicine, but they work their own magic. My son has been seeing one for 1 1/2 years and we saw immediate change in him. If you live in the VA Beach area, email me at ____@____.com and I can give you her name. She will also meet with you and your husband and work with you on how to handle the issues that you are going through. One thing that I learned is that when they are crying over everything you must ignore them. if they follow you (as my son has done), go into a room and tell him that is your quiet zone and he is only allowed in if he isn't crying, and then shut the door. It is so hard to do, but eventually he will stop. Two of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that my husband is the most important person in my life, not my son. We allowed our son's disabilities to pull us apart because I was catering to all his issues. Secondly I had to learn that I am the parent and he is only the child and I am in control. I'm still working on this issue, so many times I feel like he is in control. Oh and the first thing she said to me was Show no stress. If you show stress in anyway, they feed into that. If you appear unfazed by his screaming, etc. then he will see he isn't getting anywhere. Feel free to contact me if you need to vent or if you want any tips, I have been there and i know how hard it is.
M.

I hope I don't step on anyone’s toes but this is my take on your situation.....

I think your son is a typical 7 yr old and (yes, there are kids that really are) but I feel that ADHD is way over used now days. And don't forget the kick backs DRs get from the pharmaceutical companies for using their drugs!!

Think about how life was for us (I'm 32) as kids, if we acted like that we got in trouble not only at school but at home as well. I don't know about your home life as a child, but if I acted like that back then, my butt would have gotten the belt. No, I'm not saying you need to beat him or anything but the way we are bring up our kids now days is a lot different than when we were their age. I had 3 recesses as a kid, 2-15 min and one 30 min after lunch. My daughter only gets one 20 min about 45 mins before they get out for the day. If your son's school is anything like that then it's no wonder our kids are bored and can't sit still in school. They have no outlet to take their mind off learning. Heck, even as adults that work a 9-5 get more breaks than school kids do!! I blame this on the No Child Left Behind Act, schools are too worried about meeting academic guidelines than the mental well being of the kids. As far as being mean to his sister, I haven't had to deal with that yet as my son is only 8 months old but I know it is coming. It's normal for the older child to pick on the younger ones. And also remember, while he is cooped up in school all day, he knows you are home with his sister doing what ever you guys want which might make him jealous of her. She gets mommy time and isn't in school all day! As for the fit throwing about wearing coats and all that-been there and still dealing with that!! I stopped reasoning with my daughter on things. If she doesn't want to wear her coat I simply tell her it is cold outside and if she wants to go out then she needs to wear it-plain and simple. If she is in a really bad fit then I send her to her room (she has to stay on her bed and no playing) and tell her she can come out and talk to me after she has calmed down. It seemed like she lived on her bed for a while but now she is there maybe once a month. And she to has told me that I don't love her when she gets in trouble and has asked me if I still love her too. At this age they just want to know that we love them no matter what. And she gets frustrated over her homework, tells me she can't do it or doesn't know how. But has no problems doing the same work in class earlier that day. So what I started doing is letting her play outside or watch some TV when she gets home for about an hour and then she has to do her homework instead of making her do it when she first gets home. This has seemed to easy up her attitude towards school work a lot!! I think she just needed that unwind period between school and homework.

Just hang in there, and try different ways to get your son to work with you instead of against you.

S.

Hey T.,

My 5 year old is like that, and I also have ADHD, but only recently started taking medicine for it when I went back to work. I didn't want my daughter to take medicine what I do with her is put her in lots of activities. Right now she is in dance and cheerleading, her choices. She has to be doing something or else she has way to much energy. Sometimes she lacks the attention span, I'm her cheer coach but she's a kid. If you think about it when we were growing up none of us were on Ritalin our parents would just send us outside. I also agree with the mom who said that he sounds like he is very intelligent. He could be extremly bored in school and just acting out. Try having him tested. Good luck!

you havent mentioned whether you have tried counseling. my 23 yr old benefited from it at your sons age tillhe was 13. changed my household. my son has adhd and oppositional difficulties. try it it helps.

Have you read any books about Indigo Children? My son is six and he acts similarly and reading these books helps us. We also have a 2 year old daughter.
Click on the following links or just search "indigo child" on amazon.com or at your bookstore!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972890432/ref=pd_cp_b_t...#

http://www.amazon.com/Spiritually-Healing-Indigo-Children...#

http://www.amazon.com/Indigo-Ocean-Dreams-Self-Esteem-Sel...

Hi T.!
I am W. and I have 5 children. Let me say first that I think that you are great for hanging in there and for asking for help for your kids! That is the sign of a great mom!
Let me ask you, have you ever read Dr. James Dobson's book "The strong-willed child"? That book changed our lives! Honestly! It will give you serious parenting tools that WILL make life easier!
Secondly, a great mom is an involved mom and you are doing a great job at that! BUT-even Jesus would leave the crowds-HIS CHILDREN-and go and rest. If you only spend one hour at the library reading or surfing the internet, without the kids, then you will be refreshed and ready to handle both of them in a better way! Your son's reactions may be because he is tired of all of the stimulation on constantly having mommy watching over him, never letting him just rest with out you!
You are doing a great job! You can do a better job if you are rested and restored! You said that you do not need to be where your kids don't go, I disagree. You need that pull-back time. Remember, "If all of the kids are rowdy, mom probably needs a nap!" It is a rule to live by!

You are in my prayers!

W.

my little girl is the same as your son, so we are in the same boat, its hard, med does help her. mabey your son may do well on some meds also. W.

T.,
My heart goes all the way out to you. I just sent a reqeust with help for my son to read, but I am having the exact same problems too. I would like to know what will come of the advice you recieve. I would also like to know where and how was your son diagnosed, if that is not too personal. I pray that everyting goes ok with your child and for you as a parent. I know how frustrating dealing with a very needy child can be. I pretty much go through the same thing.