Playgroup Manners - Tired of My Daughter Being Picked On.

I think the children are too young to just let things happen as they may hoping they'll learn how to take care of their own problems. They absolutely need intervention from adults. I would say to the bad ones "do you remember what your mom said about hitting?" or something like that. I wouldn't wait to intervene. The kids then think they can get away with it. Tell them they won't be able to play with your daughter if they won't play nice. If things are happening every time they play, then I wouldn't worry about the other moms. They aren't doing their job. Your daughter needs to know that you're there for her and you are teaching her right/wrong too by intervening! To many parents are not willing to take the extra steps to teach good character education--as a teacher you know how it is lacking in the classroom. Good luck. K. in Warren.

Hi A.,
We are living in Germany too. You are in a tough spot. You need the Mom's but, you don't want your child to learn bad behavior. My kids, 7 yrs and 5 yrs, have had difficulty playing with some of the children (German and American) who attend German kindergarten. They play much more aggressively and the parents intervene very little if at all. At first my kids just cried when they were bullied. They had never experienced kids that were like they said, "so mean." What we have found that works is to model the interaction for our children. We talk to the other kids, with the inappropriate behavior, for them. We definitely step in, we say "NO! We do not hit, kick, bite or throw sand. That kind of behavior will not be tolerated." We pick up our kid and move them to a different place on the playground. You are also sending a message to their parents. We step in for them and say things like, "Now it is my daughters turn. That is my daughter's toy. You must give it back to her. You may ask for permisssion to borrow it. We do not take things from other people without asking." If you do not teach her how to handle these situations as you would like her to, she will just model the bad behavior of the other children. You could say to the child with the bad behavior, "If you do not play nicely with my daughter she will not come to play with you anymore." Maybe for a while, you will have to play too, to model appropriate play for all the children. It's a sacrifice on your part (you don't get to talk to the other Mom's) but, at least your avoiding an emergency room visit to get the sand out of your daughters eyes. This happened to us last summer. You will be giving a clear message to the other Moms about what you expect without having to discipline their children. If nothing else works, you could try having a separate play date with only the Mom or Mom's who's kids play appropriately. You could also have coffee or a night out with the Mom's and not their kids. After some time, my daughter is now handling situations quite well. My son still just cries. I hope as he matures, he will learn to handle these situations as well. Good Luck.
K.

Hi A.,
I think your assessment is probably correct, in that ANY attention is better than no attention. Instead of disciplining the other child, maybe make a point of including her into the play with your daughter. You could facilitate fair play between them both. Having her over alone to your home is another option.
Best of luck!
P.

I was at the opposite end until the last 6 months. My son was a very aggressive player. He never tried to be mean but he would get frustrated/excited easily and would hit, throw sand, etc. He also had a small sibling to adjust to. I did everything from time outs to spankings and I gotta say. None of it worked. He really was just too little. Redirection until they're older is what my doctor had said to do and also a good friend of mine who owns a daycare said the same thing. He now plays very well. and the real problem the whole time was that he could not talk well yet. Once his vocab grew a bit more he could say what was upsetting or exciting or whatever. Since, we are talking about really little kids here. Let's face it 2-3 is still very small. I would just help them play together as best you can, but in all truth kids need to grow into playing with skill. I wouldn't say that if these kids were older but chances are the ones that pick on your daughter just want to play with her and haven't attained some greatly needed social skills yet. As a side note, when people would give me "suggestions" on disciplining my son it got to be infuriating. She's probably well aware of the problem and is already doing what she thinks is best.