Playdate Expectations

Yep. At age 3, they are totally capable of picking up their toys after they're done playing with them. I don't expect things to be spotless, but a general "putting away of stuff" is definitely necessary.

your house, your rules...but my vote is always for the kids cleaning up!
Teach those lifeskills!

If my son (he's almost 8) has a friend over I tell them that any mess they make has to either be cleaned up by both of them or my son has to do it himself when they leave. They usually clean it up before they leave because my son doesn't want to do it himself.

At that age, they switch gears very quickly. So the house doesn't get totally trashed, I tried to have them clean up before transitioning from one kind of play to another by saying things like "OK if you are done with the Legos, please put them back in the bucket before you go outside" or "After you both finish putting the doll clothes away, we can have a snack" I never had a little guest be uncooperative with that type of request. By the end of the playdate, hopefully, things weren't too badly messed. Then if the parent picking up told their child to help clean up, I appreciated it, but said "thank you, but it is not necessary, there isn't much to clean up" or if they insisted, I asked the child if they would help with one small task. At that point, the kids were often tired or cranky, too wound up, or didn't want the playdate to be over, so sometimes it wasn't as easy to have the kids clean up right before the friend went home. After a little break time after the friend left, I asked my own child to help finish the clean up. If it was a big job, and they were between 3-5, I did help. Things can get a little more messed up with the excitement of a playdate, so I didn't mind helping as long as my child was also doing a fair share. As the kids got older, I helped less, and I expected them to ask their own friends to help clean up, or my kids were responsible for cleanig up after they left. Sometimes they just didn't want to because they didn't want to interupt the fun. But then they had to do the clean up themselves afterwards. A few kids didn't clean up when asked by my child, or were very sloppy and careless. Through trial and error we learned which friends were easy to have over, and a few that were not so much.

When my kids went to another's for a playdate, I did always ask, "What can Suzi do to help Janie clean up?" because I think it's just a respectful thing to ask when coming to pick up. And we had lots of talks before my kids went over to a friend's house about being a good guest, helping clean up, and not leaving a mess for your friend or her parents to clean up.

I just tell the kids they need to clean up. I make my son clean up at someone else's house.

Well, I think 3 is too young to expect much, but a 5 year old should certainly help clean up. A 3 year old can help a little, but won't be able to do a lot, especially at someone else's house where they don't know where things go.

My son is 5, and I don't think I've ever asked another child to clean up before they leave. If, in the course of a playdate, they are making a big mess, I will say, "Let's clean this up first," but I'm primarily addressing my child. We don't do a lot of drop-off playdates, though, so I usually leave it up to the parent to decide whether to have their child clean up. I don't usually care either way. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, but that's not a conversation I enjoy having with my own kid - I'm not going to choose to have it with someone else's. But I imagine my philosophy might change as the children get older and depending on how much of a mess they make.

OTOH, when we are the guests, I will tell my son to clean up if there is time. The friends who decline our offers, I don't push. A lot of people are particular about where stuff goes or their kids are still playing when we are leaving.

I am play date central. I have tons of play dates for my kids all the time.
Sometimes there are 6 other kids here plus my own.
Since they were toddlers, I have done this.

1) The parent can stay or not. It is also per the age of the child and how comfortable the parent feels per their child. But most parents know me very well, and are comfortable just dropping off their kid.
2) Yes, I have the kids pick up after themselves before they leave. That is common courtesy. And manners. Some parents don't think about that and don't have their kids pick up before they leave. If that is the case, I don't take it personally, but I will say, in front of the other Mom "Kids, we gotta clean up first and put away before you leave." But I don't say it in a rude way.
3) If a parent does not have their kid pick up before they leave, then so what. Not all parents are aware. Or it can be cultural. Too. But my own kids WILL "remind" their friends, not to just leave everything everywhere.

4) What I "expect" per play dates is: that the kids have fun. That they play nicely. I always tell them ahead of time, that certain rooms are off limits. ie: our bedroom or personal areas. Other than that, I let them just play and have fun. BUT I remind them that before they go home, they need to at least pick up a bit and put things back in the kitchen. ie: their snacks that they might have been eating or drinking outside in the yard as they were playing.

SURE it is reasonable to ask the kids, to pick up after they play. BUT for me, I don't expect them to totally clean my house. Just pick up, and put it back etc. Kids who are 3-5 years old can do this.
It is manners. And about HOW to be a "guest" at another person's home.

Hi C.,
you have received great advice. i will add another perspective.

While I agree that it is OK and reasonable to ask the other kids to help clean up the toys, sometimes a playdate needs to end abrubtly, for example, if a child gets tired, or the mother has to pick up the other child and lost track of time....

that is, yes, it is OK to ask. And yes, sometimes things happen and it may not be possible for it to happen. Playdates should be fun for all, and sometimes fun is going with the flow of the other parent if she or he is under a time constraint.

does that make sense.

best, jilly

I will tell my daughter to clean up at the end of the play date. Usually, the mom will say something like "oh no, don't worry about it. It always looks like this." If they say that, I don't push it. Sometimes the other Mom encourages the pick up by agreeing with me and saying it's time to pick up. I'd offer, esp the first few times, then see where the host mom stands and go from there. I usually don't make the kids clean up at my house. That is my daughters job after her friends leave :)

Big fat yes to that. Kids should always help to clean up the mess they have made. It takes a little bit of training but it should always be done. I always gave my kids and now give the kids I nanny for about a 20 minute warning. "Hey guys you have about 20 minutes time to start wrapping it up". then at the 10 minute mark "Time to put the toys away" and just do that from the start. kids will learn what is expected at each others houses. it will become as normal to them as say taking shoes off at the front door etc.

I think its reasonable....and I would never mind if someone asked my kids to clean up.

We always finish 10 minutes early. At that point, everyone can help clean. If the parents come to pick them up before they are done, I offer them a drink and we'll chat while the kids finish.

Definitely make it a part of playdates to have everyone, guests included, help tidy up. It's a good life skill!

But be aware that you need to have expectations that are appropriate for the ages involved. Telling younger kids this age to "clean up" or "pick up your toys" can be overwhelming; they don't know where to start so they don't start at all, or they get distracted by the toys they're supposed to be putting away.

You will need to supervise, not just lean in the door and say "Clean up now." I'd keep things specific, which helps kids at this age not get overwhelmed or forgetful. "Sally, you are the boss of books right now, so you are in charge of putting all books back in the book box. Jimmy, you are the general of the trucks and trains, so you are in charge of putting them in this basket I'm holding right here. Which of you can put all YOUR things away faster? One, two, three, go!"

And so on. Specific, limited tasks, and making things into a game, and making kids feel good about being responsible (the "boss" of something) are all ways to get things done. Just saying "Clean up" tells young children very little about what cleaning up entails. Besides, make it fun and upbeat and part of the "play" part of "playdate" and they will be less likely to resist doing it. Don't forget plenty of praise for doing it and thanks for the guest who helps out.

I usually do ask the kids to help clean up about 5 - 10 minutes before play time is over. They don't do a thorough job and that's okay, it's really about teaching them to be good guests and to be responsible for themselves. At 3 - 5, I would ask them to help to teach them, but I really wouldn't expect that the mess would really be cleaned up.