Picking Battles with a 3 Year Old

First of all, you and hubby need to be a united front. Your son is being set up for failure - he's being taught to manipulate the two of you. It won't be his fault when he is sneaky when he's older if you guys don't join forces and get on the same page.

With my 3 year old I have found that the simple word "NO" prompts the tantrum. The answer can still be "NO" in my mind, but I don't actually just flat out say, "No, you can't have that." Gotta love the song and dance we moms do, huh!? Anyway, the ice cream thing would have gone something like this at my house (at least, this is what USUALLY works for us) -

"Ice cream? For breakfast!? That's so silly! Tell you what, after you eat a nice breakfast that's good for your belly I will give you a WHOLE SPOONFUL of ice cream - in the morning! You don't even have to use a bowl! We are so hilarious! Hurry, hurry... Eat your cereal so we can have that spoonful!"

Now, you have to be willing to give him the spoonful of it then! Haha. I have ONE child and I pick my battles a lot. I'd say that you have the right to pick lots of yours - more than I need to, for sure!! But really, I can't stress enough the importance of you and your husband being on the same page and working together. My parents were NOT and I played that angle into my teens. But, if it's any consolation, I did turn out to be a successful, honest and kind person (I promise - he'll still be okay, but it's going to make things harder on YOU) and my parents are really wonderful people, by the way! :-)

You and your husband really need to talk. This is really confusing to a 3 year old and he needs to know mom and dad have the same rules for him. This makes him feel secure and then eventually he will stop trying to manipulate to get what he thinks he wants. Even if its a hard talk to have with your husband, it needs to be done. Don;t point fingers at him, like you said, but I would just point out that things need to change and ask him to help you figure out what could be done differently and what he sees as the problems.

I would also suggest IGNORING tantrums to get what he wants. Sounds like he is learning that if he throws a fit he has power! Tell him no once, give him an alternative and then ignore until he comes around. Remember, you're not hurting him by doing this (even though he will try to make you feel differently!) but you are teaching him and guiding him!

Maybe another helpful idea to prevent some problems is to develop a very clear routine or expectations for your son. With a new baby in the house, things are changing! Maybe a cool chart on the fridge or something that help with whatever issues you are struggling with. For example, if mornings are stressful, how about a cool chart with pictures or something for showing him what we do in the mornings (get dressed, eat breakfast, etc.) or if food is a problem - pictures of foods he can eat (letting him chose) or a drawer thats just for him that has a variety of healthy snacks. This gives him some voice!

As far as picking your battles, I would say that the important thing is that you should be predictable and consistent. Pick any battle that lets him think he is in control or can run the show. Or else soon you will have bigger and bigger problems.

If you say no, dont give in and dont let your husband give in either. It makes tantrums WORSE because he knows it works. Pick three things he can have for breakfast - at our house its cheerios, a breakfast bar, or toast. My 3 year old son gets to pick one of those things. If he picks something different, he doesnt get it.

This sounds really bad, but if my son has a crazy tantrum over something, we 1) Empathize but try to ignore it in which case he often comes to try to hit and then we 2)Put him in time out for hitting and then we 3) take a toy if he does not stay in time out and then 4)Shut him in his room and lock the door until he calms down if he wont stay in time out. This gives me time to coold down as well. I'll periodically go to check on him, be empathetic "Oh, I see you are still so mad. You are mad because you wanted XYZ and mommy said no. I know you feel bad. You can come on out whenever you can (tell me what you did wrong, pick up the mess, apologize, etc.) Lots of the time he keeps screaming so I leave him longer.

I try REALLY hard to avoid cajoling, pleading, asking, threatening, demanding - I try to be firm and keep my emotions in check. If I say no, I almost NEVER go back on it.

I DO think it is important to be gentle and calm - I think, as much as from discipline, children learn their actions from how we model them. If he can see you handling his tantrums in a calm manner, he will eventually learn to handle his own adversity that way.

Also - know that all kids are different. My son has been strong willed since he was a newborn - demanding, stubborn, persistant, independent, and wont take no for an answer without a fight. My 18 month old daughter is laid back and follows directions happily. If she protests, its just for a minute.

I'm sorry you are having all this trouble. Congratulations on the new baby.

:)

Oh - but I agree - DO pick your battles. My son goes to daycare in his PJ shirt at least once a week, because thats a battle we dont care to fight.

Also agree with other comments about the routines.

If he gets what he wants when he throws a temper tantrum then he will keep throwing them. Do you know about parenting with Love and Logic. Three year olds need to have a little control and certainly he is probably feeling like he has even less than that with the new sibling around. So give him 2 choices....do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want cereal or eggs for breakfast? If he picks ice cream then you can repeat the choice once then decide for him if he doesn't pick. I think once he can make a few choices on his own maybe it will help a little. With the tantrums I just ignored my son and he got NOTHING when he acted like that. I even took him to school in a full on temper tantrum. I felt bad about it but I think that was the last one he had. All of his friends looking at him while he kicked and screamed on the floor. He realized how silly he looked. You are going to have to sit down with your husband when you can be calm and rational and let him know that you are going to have to be on the same page regarding the tantrums and come up with a plan you can both stick to. Good luck and hang in there!

Corie R has it right. Do pick your battles, and try not to say "no" even when you mean it. I love the spoonful of ice cream thing, I hadn't thought of that, specifically.

And CHOICES, CHOICES, CHOICES. Give choices right away and that helps avoid some of the battles. Do you want your toast on the red plate or the blue plate? Do you want milk or juice in your green cup? Do you want to wear the this shirt, or that one with these shorts? Offer up a choice before he asks for one on the things that don't matter as much to keep control of the things you WANT to keep control of. Good luck, you'll get through this!

I'm with your husband on this one. I would relax on the food. His whole world is upside down--again--2 siblings. Just put some fruit or toast next to the cheetos. Think more about peace and happiness than controlling his diet or him. Right now, with 3 kids that young, you're kind of in the trenches, so to speak. The main goal should be happy relationships, and fit everything else in around that.

Yes it's understandable he's acting up but now your husband is teaching him that tantrums work. His tantrums are being reinforced. You are in for more trouble than you can handle right now. Beg your husband to be on your side!

My kids are the same span as yours. Now 5, 3 and 2. I'm usually home with them while my husband travels constantly. I take them everywhere with me. For that reason, and many other reasons, we did not allow tantrums. I've never had to pick battles. My kids and I work together. They are AWESOME and I get complimented all the time and accused of having "easy kids". It takes discipline at first (not just talking and time outs) but it's sooooo worth it. If you are consistent, ALL your kids will act well, and your life will be good again. This book is great on how to nip tantrums as well as build respectful sweet kids.: Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

You and your hubby MUST get on the same page with this type of stuff! 3 yr old needs to learn who is in charge...right now it is him...Hang in there!!!