Phone Calls from Hubbies Ex, or No??

Why not let him talk to her with only the speaker phone on...? You might have to find a telephone unit that allows him speaker phone access but no hand-held alternative. I know companies tend to use Veriphones for speaker conference calls... Perhaps you can find something like that, which allows her communication access and yet is not recorded but is still monitored.

It depends entirely on the divorce decree. If she has a set visitation schedule, such as every other weekend and certain holidays then your husband could take her back to court to show that both parents are living in different states now and clarify the visitation/contact order. If there isn't a written visitation order you may want to visit with your attorney about options. Maybe you can request the court change the decree to read that she can call on certain days in a certain time frame, IE: Monday and Thrusday evenings between 6pm and 7pm. Then your husband could monitor the contact, sit beside him, where he could hear the conversation without actually listening in . It could always be a "surprise" to your stepson and seem unplanned if she did actually call. You would also need to clarify with the courts what would be done if she called at a different time.

Also, if she has a regular vacation time for him to go visit her. You could always use her past lack of stability and request the court have some assurance she is able to care for him while he visits, such as the means to pay for child care while she works, if anyone else is able to live in the household while he visits, etc...you may not get a judge to invade her life like that but you might be able to at least get them looking into her living arrangements.

If she doesn't know you personally then of course she wants to now how her son is treated. How is she going to find out how he is doing if she doesn't ask him? Do you send her updates? Copies of his report cards? Pictures of him doing activities like sports or games? What about letters from him to her? The more it seems like you are letting him have interaction with her the harder it will be for her to make you look bad. Let me say that differently, if you are sitting at home with him and he is coloring you can say "What a great picture, how would you like to send that to your mom"? "You did really well in your classes this sememster, let's send a copy of this to your mom, she'll be so proud of you"? This type of action on your part will make you an awesome mom in his eyes and she won't have any ammunition to use against. you. Be the one he always remembers saying lets include your mom. She may say bad things about you but you'll always have credibility with him.

So, my advice is take the pressure off you and put it on your husband. Have him deal with this as much as he can. That little boy loves you and he doesn't need her being able to turn him against you by saying "she" won't let you see me or "she" won't let you talk to me, "I call all the time and "she" says no".

I think this is the bottom line:
He is her son. She has the right to talk to him. She is his mom. He has the right to talk to her.

I am sorry that she is not being a good mommy and that you are hurting, watching him get hurt. If I were in your shoes, I would allow him to talk with her when ever he/she wanted. ~You say "she interrogated my kid about how he is treated..." this sounds to me that she is doing what any mother would do, when someone else is taking care of her child...ask how its going? Sounds harmless to me. Maybe you should step out of the room when they talk so you do not get too upset and then let it go...or ask dad to just handle the whole phone process...

What does dad think?

this sounds so mch ie my nieces moms she left and moved to f and married a man se met online and lies to her daughter who is 11 and now saids she dont wantto seeher mom so shes not made too

My heart goes out to you but you need to find a way not to rise to her bait. You are correct, she can take you to court but she probably won't win. Worrying about it just gives her the power to upset you. Your stepson loves his mom. He probably struggles to understand her behavior and more than likely thinks it's his fault she left. As a result, he will say and do things he thinks will make her come back. It is not a reflection on you or how you treat him. Trying to come between them would rebound on you. You do not think like she does so you will never be able succeed at her game. (That's a good thing by the way.) Continue to provide love and support to your son. The hardest thing any parent can do is watch their child be hurt. Sometimes we can't do anything to stop it. Being the bigger person, all you can do is be there to comfort him. Investigate the legal options, but don't try to play her game. It won't work and you won't like yourself in the end. Time, and your love, will put this right. Try to be patient and know your way will succeed.

From personal experience: There is an innate natural love for a parent inside every child that is not based on actions. It's just there. If you try to step in between that you will end up becoming the "bad guy". Children are wise....and they distinguish who/what is love. Love him....let the Mom do what she does and then be there to pick up the pieces. You will be the one he turns to and remembers for your kindness and loyalty. "Love Never Fails" works.

I know what you are felling like and its so hard. My husband and I take care of his sitters they are 13 and 10. We have had them for 4 yrs now and are still having this going on. I would go with what you thik is right to do. You soend more time with him so you know what is good for him. You need to talk to your huby and together come up with what is best for the 3 of you. If she keeps doing this to him it is really going to efect him in the long run. As for the phone calls if you still allow them then yes you should put it on speaker you have evry right to know what she is saying to him. I think you know what the right thing to do is. Good luck I know its hard but it will all work out. Keep us posted.

Victoria, if you have no legal status in this child's life, it is time to change that, NOW! With bio-mom out of state and possibly have a country away at any given moment; and with hubby at work or otherwise unavailble on occasion, what would happen if you were the only available caregiver and you stepson had an accident - fell off the roof, hit by a car, had a seizure? You would not be able to approve medical treatment for him because you are not a legal guardian! The few minutes difference between you taking him to a hospital and your husband arriving there could mean the difference between life and death ... literally!

Now, the likelihood of his bio-mom signing over parental rights is probably between slim and none so you will probably only be able to obtain guardianship rights and not be able to adopt him (unless bio-mom proves to be such an unfit parent the State steps in and moves to relieve her of parental rights) But, inasmuch as you are a resident parent/guardian, you are able to establish your legal rights in your stepson's care. Regardless of anything else that may develop, this is one step you most definitely need to take.

As far as the relationship with his mother, it sounds as though this is a toxic relationship. Family Mediators will attempt to establish at the outset that one parent should NEVER speak ill of another parent and this includes step-parents as well. So bio-mom's creating a hostile environment with the child or in the child's resident home is definitely a no-no! This needs to be addressed in court as well. At this point, it appears that you need to take pre-emptive action and establish the groundwork for future visitation as well as all other issues. It sounds as though she is actually a toxic influence in your son's life and her effects on him need to be curtailed as long as she is in her present chosen lifestyle. As always, your son's wellbeing has got to be the number one consideration in all matters. Will his bio-mom's influences diminish his productivity and self-awareness in negative ways? Will her lifestyle influence him to pursue similar life choices? Does she ever appear drunk or intoxicated on drugs? These things must be considered when determining whether to allow visitation between bio-mom and your son. If she ever appears other than completely sober, you or your husband must explain to her that she will not be allowed to see her son when she is not clean and sober and, if she ever appears intoxicated, she will be turned away - by police if necesary. Make sure she understand that, for her son's sake, she cannot take him unless specific guidelines are met. And that is your husband's responsibility at this point as is the enforcement of those guidelines. And, until you can have such matters established by the court, you and your husband must present a united front against anything that may be harmful to your son - even if that is his bio-mom. If your husband is reticent to risk any confrontation with bio-mom, he needs to understand that your son's well-being and future life success (or failure) should be his first consideration.

In any case, you must act immediately to establish your parental/guardianship rights for your son's safety and security.

Check the laws in your state, but in many states as long as one person knows the conversation is being recorded, it's legal to record phone calls. In other states, it's illegal and you could get in a lot of trouble if she doesn't know she's being recorded. Or, you could just tell her that you're recording her phone calls, but that would probably make her mad; or you could tell her that you or your husband are listening in on the speaker-phone, which doesn't sound so bad. It is so hard watching someone you love be manipulated and used!

Don't feel bad about putting him on speaker phone especially if it is a cell for health reasons (that technology is too new for us to know the effects). Dont make a big deal of it,just say that you heaard it was a good idea and do it consistently not just with one person. Trying to keep him from her is just going to make her reactive so just try to be calm about it and nonchalant especially in front of him. If you bad mouth her in front of him he is going to have to choose sides, it is best not to put him in that position. Remember, you can't know her whole story and it is a painful thing to watch someone else raise your child even (especially) if he is better off. If she is not a complete psycho, try to develop some compassion for her. Give her some positive feedback and thank her for the gift of allowing you to help her even if at first you can only do it in your mind. The best thing for him is for the two of you to be friends, for it to be ok for her to come in and out of his life. Stop seeing her as a rival. I know this sounds crazy because we don't usually do it this way, but I have done it. And it does work. :)

Updated

Don't feel bad about putting him on speaker phone especially if it is a cell for health reasons (that technology is too new for us to know the effects). Dont make a big deal of it,just say that you heaard it was a good idea and do it consistently not just with one person. Trying to keep him from her is just going to make her reactive so just try to be calm about it and nonchalant especially in front of him. If you bad mouth her in front of him he is going to have to choose sides, it is best not to put him in that position. Remember, you can't know her whole story and it is a painful thing to watch someone else raise your child even (especially) if he is better off. If she is not a complete psycho, try to develop some compassion for her. Give her some positive feedback and thank her for the gift of allowing you to help her even if at first you can only do it in your mind. The best thing for him is for the two of you to be friends, for it to be ok for her to come in and out of his life. Stop seeing her as a rival. I know this sounds crazy because we don't usually do it this way, but I have done it. And it does work. :)

As much as you don’t want to hear it, she is his parent and unfortunately has the right to talk to him. All you can do is continue to guide him in the right direction. Children see and feel more than we sometimes give them credit for. As your son gets older he will be able to see for himself how he is treated by his mother.