Step Mom Looking for Advice on How to Respond to Bio-mom

Being a step-mom to three, yes, I do believe this deserves a response. Number one, she is an adult; he is a child yet, even at 14. Had she been adult enough to call his father or you, she would not have made the trip unnecessarily and, therefore, he should not suffer because of her laxity in being an adult.

I don't think it warrants a response from you to bio mom. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. If she keeps doing this to him then he'll make the decision to stop involving her and it will be her own fault. The only thing I would do is talk to your step-son and tell him that it would be a good idea to let you guys know when his mom might be visiting so if something like a game getting canceled happens then everyone can know on time and make other plans. I wouldn't say anything negative about bio mom though, he will easily come to his own conclusions. Then maybe a family night at home (or go out if you want) would be fun for everyone. Rent a movie and have PJ night or something. Make it special and it won't be total consolation but it might help a little.

I think that you need to talk with your son about this and have a very open discussion. I also think that you and your husband need to talk with his mom, but not in front of him. It seems like the communication isn't very good between everybody but it also seems like she is the type of person who likes to play games. Unfortunately, with the latter, there isn't anything you can do for that. I would simply apologize to her for driving all that way, but also patiently explain that if she had bothered to speak with you, you would have been able to call her and cancel. I would also tell her that treating her son (your son) like that is unacceptable and that you might need to start thinking about limits that she has with visitation. I'm not sure of the history but I'm guessing she hasn't been the most stellar of parents.

I do not agree with the other posts that say that this isn't your battle. While I understand that she is his biological parent, you state that he has lived with you and your husband for 11 years which means that since he was three, he was your responsibility (and perhaps even before then). From one step-mother to another, it is so hard for me when situations come up where I am basically told to step aside. If this were your biological son, and somebody treated him this way, I think a lot more people would want you to "stand up for your son." I see no difference here, just because you happened to not birth him.

It sounds to me like it's all handled. She made choices; she got the consequences of her choices. Your son likewise. At 14 he can "manage" his relationship with his bio-mom--even if it becomes less of a relationship for a while. The less you try to control, the less he will need to resist, which will serve you well as he heads into adolescence. (I'm not saying to release ALL control. Just save your energy for the big stuff.)

I agree with the previous post. Probably better not to push it further. It's her choice how she behaves with her son. Has she done things like this before? If she hurts him, all you can do is comfort him and be there for him through everything. Eventually he will realize that how his mother treats him has nothing to do with him- it has to do with her. And he'll remember that you and your husband were there for him. Don't make any more drama. It will just cause more issues for your stepson in the end

It's probably a real temptation to unload and point fingers but perhaps this is a time to talk about the importance of clear communication between all parties. It's unfortunate this happened but the world will not fall apart because of it. Especially if you all can agree to a schedule of visits and also on what will be the procedure if ANYTHING comes up which will interfere those visits. Also, it's probably a good idea for the father to initiate this conversation (unless there is a good deal of animosity between him and his ex-wife).

Not cool bio mom.. being upset over the not being notified about the game is understandable.. but let's face it, anytime she could spend with her son seems to be a win/win situation. I couldn't imagine punishing my children by withdrawing my spending time with them. She could have talked to him about how she took time to go there, but really is she going to see the game or is she going to see her son? She put seeing the game as more important then seeing her son.

That said.. now let's talk responsibility. Your son knew she was coming and didn't contact her over it. It means he either didn't believe she would show up and didn't put much stock in it or he wanted to see her anyway so didn't tell her that way he could still see her. It could also mean that he is a normal teen and wrapped up in his own life that he didn't even think of others in this situation. Whatever the reason, he needs to know that part of being grown up is being responsible in those situations. He should have told you or contacted her himself when the game ended. A lesson learned in a harder way then he should have. Remind him that anger makes a person do and say things that aren't acceptable and this is one of those times. Let him know that his mother loves him even if she doesn't always show it or seem too.

Some people are just to self centered. I am sorry your step-son is going through this. If his Mom were really a loving parent she would have been so happy to see him it wouldn't have mattered. I have no advise to offer because it would mean saying things to him against his Mom. I believe that no matter how self-centered or just plain bad a parent is we should never condem them. You are walking a fine line here and I give you credit. Your son should know that even though the game was cancelled you and his dad were happy to be able to spend the time with him and not have to share him with his Mom.

Hi J.
I personally think you should not respond. It will only escalate the issue. You may want to say some comforting things to your step son and then maybe have your husband tell his ex that if she is planning on coming to anymore games she may want to call ahead of time. But I think YOU should not say anything to her unless you have a very good relationship. Good Luck T.

What kind of response are you suggesting? One thing to keep in mind is that the relationship between him and his bio-mom is whatever it is. You can't really do much to change her or that relationship. I would focus on doing whatever you can to help him deal with his feelings. You can be there for him in that way, letting him express whatever negative things he is feeling and validating those feelings without saying negative things about her. And then if he has things that he wants to say to her, encourage him to do it.

J.-
I posed this question to a close gf of mine who is in a similar situation. She said that she would have let her step-son know that he should have informed her & his dad that his mom was coming for the game. A visit/dinner from mom should never be a "reward". She was wrong in making it seem like that. In my gf's case, she would have told her step-son to ignore the immature reaction and taken him out for a treat or dinner herself and not spoken to the woman about it because my gf expects that kind of thing to happen anyway. However, if you are on good terms with his bio mom, my gf thought you should definitely say something. As long as your husband is on board with that idea also. My gf did suggest that if you do decide to talk this over with her you may want to be careful about how & if your quiet rebuke gets back to your step-son. I don't know if you want it to be seen as if you chose sides (although you really are). Hope this helps a little...
J.

As a stepmom to two who are now in their 20s, whose bio-mother punished them in many ways (including not talking to them for a year a time) for their percieved mistakes or faults, I would agree that you need to just support your son emotionally through this and likely more events like this in the future. Reassure him that her anger and choice to "punish him" had nothing to do with his action/inaction but was a choice SHE made.

It can be painful to watch a young person come to accept that their parent is who she is, but he will adjust to that over the years, especially with two supportive parents in the picture.

It took me years to fully realize that we could ask, request, demand, mediate,or take her to court, but we couldn't make her do or not do anything. Put your energy and love into your son and all will benefit. And bless you for being a caring stepmom with all its challenges and rewards!

I think it's up to your husband and stepson to decide whether to say anything and is so what to say. I would remind your stepson though to let you and your husband know if his mom is planning to come to a game or planning to visit. I agree with the other posters that ultimately she is just damaging her relationship with her son.

Well she doesn't win the mom of the year award in my book, but yes, i agree with the other posters, this is not your battle. Be supportive of your step-son, that is all you can do. Have your hubby contact her and tell her to contact you guys before she visits so if something comes up then someone can let her know.

He is 14, he has a lot on his mind, if she can't see this there is nothing anyone can do. Keep reminding him that you and his dad love him and keep being there for him, he will see this and if she keeps it up he will resent her, not you.

You really can't change her behavior. You should talk to your stepson let him know that he is important to you and that you are there for him. As to the mom, your husband should be the one discussing this with her. He should let her know that she needs to call him when she plans to come down and that if she had done this he would have called her the minute he heard about the cancellation so that she wouldn't have to "go out of her way" to come down. Does she have any type of visitation? If so, I would remind her of the rules set down by those visitations.

I don't think you have to do much here. The bio-mom is doing plenty to her son to ensure someday she will receive a very strong response from the person that matters.

So what you have taught your step son is if someone is wrong you get the wrong them! You should have been the bigger person and let her know the game was canchelled. You have to set the example. Now for what happened you need tostep in and tell her you didn't tell her because she didn't inform you she was coming. Be the better person everytime and you will grow a great son!
Good luck!

I would hope she would come to see her son and not to just see the game. In my opinion, I would rather have some good one on one with my child than to sit and watch my child play. I am assuming she doesn't see him all the time so you would think she would miss him. Use this moment as a teaching moment. Your son is 14 and old enough to be responsible. His bio-mom has made it clear what behavior he wants from him. Make sure you don't point out who is the good Mom and who is the bad. He will make his own decisions. I would tell him that if his bio-mom makes arrangements with him again, he needs to tell you and his father so you can get it down on the calender. Live and learn. He will do better next time.

I cannot speak to this with any experience, but as an outsider looking in, that was completely inappropriate and immature on her part. Everyone forgets things sometimes, and while 14 may be old enough to show responsiblity, she certainly dropped the ball by not informing you guys too! Punishing him was not the answer! A response is in order I think....to make sure it doesn't happen again!