People Pushing Boundaries After I Needed Help

When they bring it up again just say "You're so sweet to offer but we are doing fine now. Since I'm feeling better and lived....well, I cherish every moment I have to spend with the kids and just want to do everything I can with them. One never knows when their time is up and I want to spend all my time running the kids places and being there with them. Thanks for offering, it means the world to me that you care enough to want to help but for now...we're doing awesome. You'll be the very first person I call if we do need help".

Telling them they are important, acknowledging they care and are trying to take care of you (Not saying "You only offer so you can make money"), stroking their ego, then blaming not hiring them to work for you to do stuff they should have volunteered to do in the first place if they were true friends on recovering and living seems like the easy way out where they feel really good about themselves and maybe won't bother you again.

If they do keep it up then use a pat answer each and every time.

"I want to do that for my family because there may be a day when I can't then I'll want to have these memories to reflect and reminisce on. Thanks but no".

Smile and say that money is tight, so a few friends and family are helping you out now free of charge.

Congrats on your survival.

If you are already paying people to help, I would consider going through care.come to find a caregiver or two to help during the day.

I would not ask ladies that have 'pushed a button' to help again. You are now uncomfortable with them, and asking/paying them again, will just rattle you more.

I'm so glad you are okay. I am sorry that your well-meaning friends have turned into consistent job applicants.

I agree with much of what Gamma G said - and it might be easier if you wrote a letter to each of these people (it can be largely the same letter, personalized based on what they did for you). The advantage of a letter is that you get to say everything you want to without being distracted or interrupted. And a personal thank you is the true sign of gratitude and great manners, so no one can fault you on it. In the letter, you might say any and all of the following as appropriate: "1) I want to take the time to thank you personally for all your support, 2) helping me with _____ (meals, driving kids, yard work, errands, whatever applies) was invaluable in allowing me to recover my strength so much more quickly than I could have imagined, 3) going through a life-threatening illness/surgery was so frightening and it was such a blessing to have so many friends giving to me and never expecting anything in return, which to me is the sign of true friendship, 4) losing time from our jobs/business was such a huge worry for my husband and me because of the incredible expenses of serious illness and medical care, so your generous offers of help have gone so far to help me get back on my feet, 5) now that I am healthy again, I truly relish every moment of doing the ordinary tasks of my life, from cooking to driving my children to their activities, so I happily decline your offers of help and trust that you understand I am grateful but can recover emotionally much faster if I can be self-sufficient, 6) thank you for continuing to call to offer to help, but please know that it's actually much better for me to keep focused on being healthy rather than face reminders of the danger I was in - it was such a painful time in so many ways and I'm sure you understand that I no longer want to revisit those feelings, 7) please believe me that I will always be grateful and I certainly know who to call if I ever need help again."

The advantage to that last line is it IMPLIES you will call them again, but in fact it really means to you that you know to call someone else!

If anyone pushes on the business things (hiring them), you can say that you're sure they understand why it's better to keep business and personal things separate, you need to have professional authority over those you hire, and so on. If they should ever say that you owe them, just pause, stare at them, and slowly say, "I thought you offered me so much help out of friendship. Are you saying you did it for your own advantage?" (Then do NOT fill the silence…let them sit there and sputter.) If you get any more offers of help, just refer to the letter and say, "As I said, I need to put that period in the past and focus on other things. Every weekly reminder of my illness is actually creating more pain for me."

Good luck with this! If you need help with a possible future surgery, try asking someone else, seeing if someone from your church or another organization can help you, or contacting a home health agency that provides everything from rides to appointments to cooking help to medical assistance. Around here, we pay $23 an hour for an agency to provide help - it might be easier than what you deal with when "friends" want payback.

boundaries boundaries boundaries!
you can be polite but very firm when they give unasked-for opinions or try to push for more hours. since you're paying them, it's all the more okay to be no-nonsense about it, but even if they were just nice-but-overly-involved friends it would be okay to put a stop to this.
just as you did with the teen driver situation. apply that degree of 'absolutely not' firmness.
i find that people tend to push, and not take no for an answer, and soft-pedal mildly aggressive 'helpfulness' when the NO is uncertain. if your tone and body language are confident and clear, people get the message quickly.
with the renter i'd say 'thanks, we like managing our own properties. i'm sorry, wasn't i clear? that's not a service we require. if anything changes i'll surely keep you in mind, but i don't expect that will be the case. thanks, though!'
i've got a friend going through chemo, and pushed a little because i REALLY wanted her to know that i want to be available to her. her response was 'i'm actually all set for pretty much everything, thank you. if the chemo gets bad, i might need to be driven later on this winter. i'll absolutely call you if that happens.' and i email her every week or so just to make sure that door is wide open. assure your 'helpers' that you'll call them if needed and then firmly close off that avenue of conversation.
khairete
S.

If you have other people that can help, I would ask them. Stay away from these people. If they keep bringing it up, tell them flat out you will NOT be using them in the future and you don't want to keep telling them that. But make sure first you have other people lined up. If you don't, and you end up calling these money hungry ones, then they you'll never be able to get rid of them. Good luck.

I don't think it's a boundary issue so much as they have found a money source and want more of it! They want you to hire them, their kids, their spouses because they think that you have extra money to throw around. Don't ask them or pay them for their help anymore. If you need assistance, hire out a professional, since you seem okay with paying for the help.
Good luck and sending best wishes for your health!

Tell these people that you are grateful that they have been able to help you when you needed it but that you are ok now and don't need them to step in anymore. Assure them that if help is needed again in the future you'll reach out to them.

After that just smile and say no thank you. If you do need help again it's your choice to either call one of these women or get a friend to help out. They shouldn't be asking all the time but since they are then just keep saying no thanks.

It's annoying, but since you will likely need them again--and maybe during unforeseen future seasons--I think that you should just stay firm with "I'm good for now, but I will surely let you know if I need you." It might take a few times, but I'm hoping that they would see that the pattern is that you will come to them when you need them and will not use them when you don't need them.

In addition to not wanting to take advantage, you also pay for them to leave when their work is done.

Glad that you're recovering well.

I think that you should formally thank them with a nice token gift and a card for each since you've been paying them. When you present them with the gift, tell them formally that you no longer need their official paid help and will be forever grateful. This will be a signal to them that it's done, over with, and you're no longer obligated to continuously thank them AND they don't get a say in what goes on in your household. The reason for the gift itself will be like a severance check... an obvious symbol of the end of a "contract."

I would set up the help you need for the upcoming surgery with other people... people that don't hang out with or know this group of current helpers. Set up the help before you formally thank those who have been helping you for the past year. If you have to, consider hiring from a Home Health Care Agency and applying for your state's home health care waiver. Call DSS about it. They may tell you that you don't qualify due to age, but you have a disability and that may qualify you.

I suggested Home Health Care Agencies because they can send Personal Care Assistants and provide other services such as helping with household chores and other things, and you don't have to hire them on a daily basis. You can hire them based on the hours that you need and can afford, and some only require notification of 24-48 hours. You'll need to interview the agencies to see how they operate. but it's an option that means no contracts, and no awkwardness when the services are no longer needed.

I think I would definitely rule out the possibility of these individuals helping you. They probably are well meaning, but it seems like they are looking for a job. Nothing wrong with that, but that's not something you have to offer them. My fear is that if they are already being too pushy for your tastes, then asking for any help in the future will just be leading them on.

If you are going to need hired help, I would look for hired help from another source.

For me, I would have an easy answer. Money is tight, so we will be handling the driving of the kids and rental unit. I may need you in the future and would love to hire you to drive at that time.

Rule number one my friend taught me is to never let my renter think I do not need the money. This rule could apply to contractors. Never let them think you have an endless supply of money.

I agree with hiring a real professional that will go away when the job is done. Even these people will check in to see if you need more work (smart business person).

Friends help out friends, because they want to. Hiring people to do what friends probably would have done, was probably a mistake. They got used to the money and now depend on it. Just tell them they are no longer needed in any way. Thank them and send them on their way.

I had been critically ill for a while. Kidney, liver failure, major surgery after major surgery, hospitalized for long periods of time. My friends were a Godsend. Between my husband and friends we survived. This went on for many years. So you see you do not necessarily have to pay someone. You can pay it forward when well