People Keep Letting Me Down

I think Molly hit it on the head. Families are just SO busy these days....and stressed. Also, I know for me personally, it depends on who I'm dealing with. If it is a close friend, I definitely reciprocate party invitations, RSVP, follow through with plans (or give notice if I can't), etc. However, there are probably other people who I'm not close to, who I've probably let down. For example, a couple of moms at my son's daycare have invited us (and the whole class) to their kids' parties. I didn't reciprocate and invite them to MY son's party, because we kept it very very small. I also had one of those same moms get kind of snippy with me for not RSVP'ing, and I thought that was weird - we are just acquaintances and she had invited the whole daycare class, after all. I wouldn't expect that she would hear back from every single person individually in a class full of busy working parents. I guess what I am getting at is personally, as an exhausted FT working mom, unless you are in my inner circle, you may end up being disappointed by me - sorry! I have so little extra energy and time and it goes to my son and my husband. May sound a little harsh but it's just the truth.

Yes, it is disappointing that people don't respond. I feel the feelings and then let them go. I have learned that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. In other words, when I expect too much of others, I am usually disappointed and angry. It is OK to expect certain people to be responsive, but others, oh, well. I also have learned the hard way that a one sided relationship is not a relationship at all. I have to let go many "friends" who really were only friends when they wanted something from me. I need a few real friends, not a whole lot of superficial ones. All these insights came from years of mistakes. Be patient. Be kind. Be a friend. And you will find those people who admire those qualities and are real friends.

The people who would appreciate your lecture series are probably the ones who know the stuff already.

You'll just have to keep in mind that many people have learned (directly or indirectly) a different outlook on life in general and their own lives in particular. The outlook seems to be: "I'm valuable, I'm busy, and I run my own life. If I don't get around to you, sorry."

You can't change them - so you'll have to adjust your social awareness to include the fact that you're not going to get quick responses. This is where you will need to be more gracious, not less. Plan to double-check with your guests every time. Put it ("double-check with guest list") on your calendar when you plan a get-together.

On the other hand, don't relax your own standards. Be more considerate of others than they seem to be of you. It may have no reward for you, but it may start someone else thinking.

A lot of things are going on out there. People are living paycheck to paycheck, thats if they have a job, or maybe they have 3 jobs to try to make ends meet. Its tough out there. Family, kids, friends, jobs, its a lot of work.
Sometimes its ok to give people a break. There are more important things to worry about than an rsvp or an email sometimes.

honestly, I consider all of this a breakdown of the importance of societal responsibility towards others. In other words, I find common courtesy to be seriously lacking in most elements of today's life.

We are living in a time when people consider a FB posting to be adequate for most of life's events.....birthdays included. It is so depersonalized & so lacking in generosity of spirit......

When faced with situations such as this, I simply try to model the behavior I feel is fair.....& hope that others will reciprocate. I do not place judgment, but make sure that my kids are aware of the better choice. :)

I like to treat people how I myself like to be treated, with simple common courtesy...responding to emails and invites, returning phone calls, maybe not always right away but in a timely manner, keeping plans unless the unexpected come up. I've learned to just be grateful that I do have a people in my life that I can count on, husband, family and a few friends. As for the rest, I wouldn't exactly cut them out of my life for not always being dependable or courteous, I just don't often go out of my way for them.

The only thing that would really annoy me would be people changing plans on me. The other things happen - people are busy. The economy is horrible and if people can only afford to have 5 kids attend a party, maybe your daughter wasn't on the list. People RSVP and sometimes forget, someone gets sick, they can't afford a gift, etc. It happens.

On the other hand, I HATE being let down also.

Yes, these things are annoying, but I don't let it get to me. Sometimes people are forgetful and/or rude, and sometimes they just aren't interested in pursuing a friendship. If the same person flakes on me or one of my kids more than once I take the hint and let it go. It's not worth worrying about.
And I don't expect all the kids we invite to our parties to reciprocate, so that's a non issue for me. Everyone has different budgets and limits and my kids have always been aware of that.
I have found over the years that the people I have formed bonds with share the same values and habits as me. It is rare for the parents I now interact with to be rude or flaky. I'm sure you'll find your "group" too, sometimes it takes a while :)

Our society is changing. I do not even put RSVP's on anything. I have a party and if a person shows up they are going to have fun. I am not going to give them any rewards/gifts for showing up, if they come they show up.

I plan on cake and maybe ice cream for everyone and we go to a park or someplace fun. I budget for the people I invited, if they don't come I can buy extra tokens for the kids that did.

It's that simple. If you are on FB or some other social network you will find that the people on there are more likely to respond and remember, I make it events. Each day it is on their home page and they see it constantly. No one goes to their email anymore. They all go to FB. I used to get about 100 emails per day, now I get 2-3. I get the same messages but now they are on FB.

Times are changing. Don't stress about it. If they come they come. Makes NO difference to me.

I agree not all party invitations can be reciprocated. Otherwise I totally know where you're coming from. The whole "we're so busy" thing gets so old. I work full time, so does my husband etc. Some peopel are just disorganized and/or they overschedule themselves and that's their own fault. Only thing you can control though is your expectations and your actions. I've started kind of classfying people as those I can count on/are polite, those who are just a bit flakey and then those that are really flakey. For the latter, if I choose to keep associating, it's my decision so I have to accept them as they are and I keep my expectations really low. There must be some reason I keep going back. Sometimes it's my daughter loves their daughter so I deal etc. But putting some framwork around all this has helped me a lot. And then really value the people like you who are considerate and cultivate those as real friendships. I think having kids forces us to interact with so many people we wouldn't have before kids. Frustrating yet sometimes a mom I meet I initially didn't think would be my type at all turns out to be really nice and fun. So it works both ways.

I feel ya, but on the flip side, as Molly said, life gets in the way sometimes and common courtesy seems to have gone by the way side. I admit, I am guilty of forgetting to RSVP to a party now and then. I don't mean to, I just forget. And as to making plans w/ friends...I always look fwd to it and have the best of intentions, but sometimes, my health has other ideas. I have a good friend w/ some very serious health issues and I just know when I make plans w/ her, there is a 50/50 chance she will cancel on me.

I think you should relax your expectations a little so you are not so let down. Like my dad told me once (in regards to asking people to help move, I think) If you don't count on anyone, there is less chance of being let down when they don't follow through. Of course, that isn't something you want to feel all the time...you SHOULD be able to count on people sometimes...but sadly, some will always let you down. Take it w/ a grain of salt, don't take it personally and try to just move on and YOU can keep being a courteous person and teach your daughter to be, too!

I think the social etiquette rules have changed now that technology is growing so fast and impersonal. My stepmother wont accept a thank you email from my kids. she want a letter, stamped and mailed. so i try to oblige. plus, I mean it is a thank you letter.
I recently received an invitation to my DH neices 15th birthday party, her mother emailed ME, not him for our address. I gave it to her and when the invitation arrived it was addressed to my DH only....not even an (and family) added.
So being the nice person I am I saved it, and deleted her off my FB.
Over christmas, another issue. maybe this should be a seperate post...
so picture my 6 kids, my kids aunts and uncle are all out of the area, my step sons have 3 sets of married uncles and cousins here. Those wives of the uncles brought presents to my home for my step kids while the rest of the 4 children just sat there with smiles on over tears! I was like 'really?"

I had suggested name drawings so it would cut costs and each cousin would give one gift...but it was rejected.

I dont even know these days what is considered common courtesy, hence my questions on here...lol

I understand your vent, but I accepted long ago that many people don't do things the way that I do. I'm not going to stress over the little things in life. :)

If I really need someone to call me or email me, I'll just keep trying to reach them. As for people that make plans and then forget about them, well, that is irritating.

Reciprocating on birthday parties is not something I feel should be expected. A birthday party is to celebrate the birthday of the child, not look for something in return. We don't have big parties in our family; we just have family parties and invite one or two friends to spend the night. When we go to friends' parties, we do try to make a point of having that friend over to play sometime soon after, but not out of obligation. We just usually are reminded of how much the kids like to play together, so we have them over.

Society has become pretty lax on some things, but with texting it is so easy to reach each other to ask if someone is coming to the party, or what time we're going to meet. That has helped in some ways. Common courtesy is always important, though.

2 cents from my experience. I went through this at one point. I'd call or email friends asking them over or to do something and they'd say 'yes', but then I couldn't get them to set a date. It happened over and over. Like you, it bothered me since I didn't know why it was happening. What it came down to it they were my friends yet I was in the outer circle and not the inner one. Inner circle friends saw each other for drinks and dinner and when they wanted they'd invite me in. I didn't realize this was happening. For me it came down to I was the only Mom and they decided for me that I couldn't get drinks with them since I was a Mom. Not fair in my book since my husband and I partnered so we each could go out individually. They knew that. No matter, they made the decision. Personally, I realized they really were not my friends. It hurt since many came from college and we were in our 30s. We're now aquaintances. After this I reached out and met other ladies and those are the ones that return calls and want to hang out with me. That's better!

It seemed to me, just skimming the answers, that most said your standards aren't too high, but to relax them so you won't get frustrated. On the other hand, I would be on the side that would argue they simply are too high. Here is why:

First, everything you mentioned didn't have to do with major events. It wasn't that your car broke down and no one would help. It wasn't that there was a medical emergency and no one would watch your kids while you joined a friend or family member at a hospital. It wasn't about anyone helping take care of anyone else in a time of need. They were all about parties, which are non-serious (also non-necessary) social occasions.

Second, you're saying that even if a child is invited to 30 parties in a year (which happens with all the different classes-school, church, karate, etc), that child's parent HAS to invite your child. Uh...unless YOU want to foot that bill, that's a ridiculous thing to be upset about. People have to work with what they can afford, and usually do this by inviting family and a few closer friends. I struggled with this myself for my daughter's 4th birthday party last month. There were about 30 close family friends with kids in a similar age that I wanted to invite, in addition to our family members who totaled 9, plus our family which is 4. If only one parent came for the friends, I'd still have had 73 people. There's NO way that would work at the only venue we could afford (our house), and I simply could not have gotten all the groceries for it. Which would have been worse? To not invite, or to call everyone we couldn't invite and tell them I didn't mean to be rude, but they didn't make the short list. My true friends know I love them and understood without me having to explain.

Third, I was thinking the main reason to verify plans is that people know other things come up. For example, EVERY year, we celebrate Mother's Day as a family. EVERY YEAR. But when one of my brothers gave my parents Cirque du Soleil tickets for Mother's Day, it was understood that we wouldn't be celebrating as usual. Things happen, and sometimes when we prioritize, we see a friend we haven't seen in a year, or choose the family get-together, or we're so stressed b/c life has been unexpectedly crazy that we need a break simply for our mental and emotional health.

Fourth, not every email or call is easy to return. I am currently bedridden because I may be having a miscarriage, but if not, doing too much could cause it. Is that any of your business? Nope. But I'm telling you b/c life happens. I had someone else tell my brothers what was going on-they didn't even know I was pregnant, but I just couldn't deal with telling 3 more times what was going on. Sometimes I don't email right away because there's so much involved and I want to really give the person my time and attention (yes, even in an email). Sometimes emails don't ask questions or don't ask in a way that people believe a response is necessary (like rhetorical questions, or thought-provoking questions). Then maybe they respond to one where it is necessary.

I went over these step by step, so you can see where I'm coming from when I say it sounds like you're being petty and maybe a little selfish. You want others to consider YOU, but you don't want to consider THEM. Your standards are too high because it all revolves around these social events that are for YOU. I know, your dd being invited isn't about you, but you have definitely made it not about the other child or parent. You doing these things as a courtesy is very nice. If these were standards you set-to reciprocate invitations, to RSVP, to never have ANY conflicting plans, to ALWAYS return calls and emails in whatever you see as a timely manner, that's fine. But it's wrong to impose these on someone else because what you're not doing is taking THEM into consideration. Others' lives may be much more complicated than yours. When you won't consider that, you can't really talk about common courtesy.

J.,

I think part of what your dealing with is all about perspective. If you have the attitude that no one follows through and you expect others to call you in X amount of time or call to cancel etc. Then you set yourself up for being disappointed. If you change your outlook and think about it this way, it may help.

Sending out invites, assume at least 1/2 will come regardless of rsvp or not. Some may call and say their coming and not come. Some may not call and not say they are coming and not come at all or come when they said no etc. People are unpredictable and all you can do is predict how you will react to them. I don't think its about having too high of standards, its about perception. In my invites I state : Please RSVP by X date. IF i do not hear from you, I will assume you are NOT coming and will NOT save a spot for you at the event. Most people when they see this, call me and let me know. Either way, I follow up with all who I haven't heard from and ask them point blank if they are coming or not.

I hope this helps and I really do understand how frustrating this is~
M

Yes; I have that problem. No, your standards are not too high. Yes, society is a mess. People are rude; it's a shame. I wish I knew the answer!

As for you RSVP question, I personally believe that 'RSVP' has been used to the point of cliche. Nobody really notices it anymore because everybody uses it. I decided after my daughter's birthday (wherein 2/3 of the people didn't RSVP) that the next time I write out an invitation I was going to state "IF you do not let me know whether or not you and your child will be there, I will not plan food or activities for your child." Essentially, what an RSVP is for, but I think it would actually get some reception because it's written out.