Wednesday about 30 minutes into the morning, I got a call from the school nurse to pick up my child because of an ear infection. I was surprised because he never said anything about feeling poorly and has never had an ear infection. I questioned the nurse about this and she stated she had taken a look herself and it was extremely red. (The nurses office is adjacent to the principal’s office. She let the office staff know that he was indeed sick) 2 hours later the doctor confirmed that he had a raging infection and started him on a very high dose of antibiotics.
Around 5 pm that day, I got a call from the principal. He asked how my son was doing. I was immediately suspicious because even though this is a small school, the principal just doesn't call around like that. I said he was doing much better already. "Oh, so he did really have an ear infection after all?" he asked. I said, "I guess I'm not sure why you are calling...of course he had an infection. Your nurse looked at it herself."
He goes on to say that in the 30 minutes he'd been at school that morning, he had given one of the staff members a really hard time about something. And though the principal didn't see it himself, he had several people report it to him. I asked my son about it and he didn't recall anything out of the normal happening. My son has always been very honest with me, and I can tell the moment he is lying. I was still suspicious, because our school is soooo small that people generally don't get confused with other people. So I took him to a friend’s house, and the friend confirmed he was with him most the morning and didn't see or hear anything. So I took him straight over to the school to get this straightened out once and for all. I had the principal call the staff member to discuss what had happened, and yes, something did happen but by the time it got to the principal a mountain had been made out of a mole hill. At that point, my son confessed to the incident. Though I don't condone him lying, I can see why he didn't want to admit to the way it had been presented initially. He had been rather demanding that he get something, and tried to sneak his way to get it. (We initially had been told he threw a psychotic fit when told no, smashed displays to the ground, smashed up things with his feet, and yelled and carried on like a crazy person.)
Anyway, in the meantime he apologized to the staff member. And we have spoken with our psychiatrist because it seems that the medicine he's on now for ADHD is causing some severe mood issues, and this week we've started to see a few dangerous signs. We were advised to get him off the medicine immediately, as it could escalate even more. He's been started on something new. The school has been made aware of this. And I reiterated to the principal that he knows he was wrong, and it probably wasn't helped by the bad side effect of the medicine nor the fact that he had a raging ear infection that morning.
Last night I got a call from the principal to see what our thoughts were on the level of the punishment he should receive. I had a hard time speaking, because quite honestly at this point it doesn’t seem to matter what we think or what the real circumstances were. I wanted to say “you found him guilty as charged based upon hearsay, without even speaking with the staff member involved until I insisted. And when you did, you found out that the charges were not nearly as bad as you had thought, so much so that the staff member wasn’t going to even mention it to you.”
And to call me and question whether he was even sick???? Yep, apparently the principal and all the staff assumed my son made up the ear ache so he could go home because he was in trouble. He TOLD me that. We are now 2 days out from the incident, and as I look back at the events in totality, I am even angrier than I was yesterday. I don’t even know how to proceed from here.
Just to be clear, he was accused of having a huge fit and smashing stuff. In reality, after the fact finding was done, he simply asked for something not avaiable and when told it wasn't available he tried to sneak to get it. I have no issue with him being punished for the actual incident, and he has already apologized to the staff member involved. He has received appropriate punishment at home (2 weeks no compuer, video games, tv and extra chores for the behavior and the lying.) What I'm having a difficult time reconciling is 1) the principal taking the over-blown hearsay as fact (rather than checking with the actual staff member who it happened with) 2) the gall of the staff to assume my son made up an ear ache to get out of school when the nurse stood right there and presented the facts. I'm beginning to feel like we are in a continual no-win situation at this school. Yes, it's public. The only schooling option available for 45 miles around.
And no, he is not 13 years old. He is 10 years old and has not only ADHD but also a developmental delay that puts him at about the age of a 7 year old.
Knowing this was a 13 yo special needs child would have been helpful,
I'm assuming Jo's "research" is right about the age?
Just because the process made you angry doesn't mean your son did nothing wrong. I know it is not easy to separate the two but I think you need to because if you had you would have replied to the principal, in light of everything that was going on I don't believe the behavior was within his control and since we have made changes to his medication the behavior will not occur again. Since the change of meds was all that was necessary to correct the problem, well and the ear infection, I don't believe further punishment is necessary.
And the principal would have probably agreed. Now you want your pound of flesh, how does that help?
Chill, call him back, explain why you feel he doesn't need to be punished and move on. There is no upside to making enemies in your child's school.
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After reading your what happened: Do you seriously believe what you are saying? I assumed everything before was your anger talking but now I am wondering. Kids always fake illness to get out of punishments, why should your child be soooo special that they wouldn't have considered that? The principal didn't punish your son, he called you and talked to you. He told you what he had heard and asked for your side. I am not sure if you assumed he was going to be punished without this trial or what exactly is making you so angry but I am not seeing it.
Schools will not lay down a heavy punishment without contacting you. He contacted you, the school did nothing wrong. If you blow this up with your anger you are going to mess things up for your son.
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13! This child is 13! The way you talk I was thinking 6 or 7. Mom! I mean this with love, get a grip on your anger. At 13 he knew he was in trouble and outright lied to you! Even an 11 year old knows when he is in trouble.
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Lyllym, 13 or 11.
I worked at a school for three years. Kids DO often pretend they don't feel well when they know they're in trouble, so I don't think the principal was way out of line there. And I don't know if a school nurse is authorized to give an official medical diagnosis, hence the reason wanting to know if it was confirmed by a doctor.
You also need to accept the fact that your son lied, he told you nothing out of the ordinary happened and his then friend lied about it too! Don't let your rosy view of your "very honest" son get in the way of reality here.
I guess the reason the principal is calling you re the punishment is because since meds are involved he wants to get your input on what would be appropriate, which sounds like a good thing. Try to work with them rather than being so defensive, it's better to be proactive in these situations. Hold your son accountable for his actions and make sure he understands clearly what is expected of him at school in the future. And keep a positive, open dialogue with the school (none of this he said she said.)
Holy Cow! 13!I thought maybe 8... But 13, this is no way for him to behave, he will be in high school soon. He should be able to be responsible for his behaviors by now.. A 13 year old can be the size of an adult and no one expects him to act this way at this age.
Really speak with your son about expected behaviors and let him know he is just too old to be behaving like this.. In 3 years he will be old enough to drive. There is no lying when we allow our children to get their licenses.. It is just too much responsibility..
I know a heck of a lot about ADHD.. My husband has ADHD and i have known him since we were 13 and in middle school.. His parents would not admit he needed medications. It would have changed his life to have been able to at least try them.
I have learned that if I tell my husband.. "always tell me the truth and I will not get mad".. He will tell me the truth..
But if I harp on him, if I make excuses for him.. he will run with it, because it takes so much energy for him.. to keep it together.
FYI, They do not grow out of this, it becomes worse as they get older. And so you really need to make sure you have some support from experts. I adore my husband. I am proud of him.. He is an honest hard working man with the most giving heart. But he sees the world completely different from other people. It takes him a lot more energy to keep it all together, but he does it.
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Ok your post was difficult even for me to read and I have been on this board for years. Just a suggestion, please go back and insert paragraphs.. Makes it easier for us old people to take each section on one at a time..
" He had been rather demanding that he get something, and tried to sneak his way to get it. (We initially had been told he threw a psychotic fit when told no, smashed displays to the ground, smashed up things with his feet, and yelled and carried on like a crazy person.)" What was his real and actual behaviors?
You do not say how old your child is, but by the time he is attending school, he should understand this. IF he absolutely cannot control himself, then you need a doctors written excuse and be prepared for your child to not be allowed in a regular classroom for the safety of other children and to allow the teachers to teach everyone else that can control themselves.
You are upset because the principal still thinks your son should face a consequence for his behavior, even though your son has an ear infection and had a reaction to medication?
Yes, your son does need to have some consequence, because he lied.
Yes, the meds had something to do with that, but your son also knew this was wrong. His misbehavior, even when ill is not to be tolerated.
Our daughter used to try to pull the I am not feeling well, so I am going to act like a crazy person.. BUT, we explained, not feeling well is not an excuse to throw a fit, to lie, to have a tantrum.. It is a time to use your words and explain, "I really , really do not feel well and want to be home".. or whatever it is they want.
It does sound like this caused quite a commotion and people all had their own view of what went on. The Principal needs to document all of this, but he is hearing different versions, so he is trying to get you to help him understand what went on. Since you know how to speak with your son, you will be the best person to get your son to open up.
You do want to know the truth?
You want to know how it all went down?
Then he is going to call and ask questions.
You have some concerns. Write them down and just ask the Principal. "I am concerned because I feel like" - " apparently the principal and all the staff assumed my son made up the ear ache so he could go home because he was in trouble."
And "Last night I got a call from the principal to see what our thoughts were on the level of the punishment he should receive. I had a hard time speaking, because quite honestly at this point it doesn’t seem to matter what we think or what the real circumstances were. I wanted to say “you found him guilty as charged based upon hearsay, without even speaking with the staff member involved until I insisted. And when you did, you found out that the charges were not nearly as bad as you had thought, so much so that the staff member wasn’t going to even mention it to you.” "
"nd to call me and question whether he was even sick???? Yep, apparently the principal and all the staff assumed my son made up the ear ache so he could go home because he was in trouble. He TOLD me that. We are now 2 days out from the incident, and as I look back at the events in totality, I am even angrier than I was yesterday. I don’t even know how to proceed from here. "
Just work with them.. You guys are a team, trying to help your son.. They are not out to GET your son.. They need to know how best to handle him. To understand him..
Are you also in counseling or therapy? All of this sounds very stressful and you seem very defensive. This is totally understandable, but you need to have a clear head about this. Since no one else lives full time with your son, they do not have the insight you do. You need to have the tools to explain these things to them, with a professional to help you, make these other people understand.
Take some time for yourself. I hope your son feels better. Ear aches are the worst. i have had them and it is heartbreaking to think our children have had to suffer with them.
I can appreciate that you are in Mama Bear mode on this one. I would recommend though doing whatever you can to not see this as a situation of you against the school. Work with them any way you can. They will make mistakes as will you. Move past the mistakes and keep your eye on the ball which is that your son needs help managing his emotions. Don't let yourself get distracted, or him for that matter, by how others respond to his poor choices. Keep it about him. I think as parents when our kids mess
up it is easier for us to focus on what others did wrong but our job is to help
our kids face consequences for their poor choices. I would let the principal
know that you support his decision with
whatever the school thinks the consequence should be and that you
appreciate him calling you. He was kind enough to call you and try and
get a dialogue going rather than just dish out a punishment. Pick your
battles because if you come across as super defensive that will not
help your son's credibility at school. If he did destroy something, maybe
he could help clean up around the school as a consequence.
The biggest fish to fry here is not addressing the school's handling of this
bit addressing your son's behavior. Are you guys in any type of
counseling? ADHD presents a lot of parenting challenges and there are
trained professionals who could give you support and guidance. Blessings
I think the principal did the right and responsible thing in calling you to follow up, don't you? It led to the truth coming out, especially since the principal was open and honest with you about what was going on.
So because of the truth coming out and the situation as it is, asking your opinion on what route the school ought to take for discipline makes sense. All you had to say was, "At this point, he's receiving such-and-such punishment at home. Based on what's already happened with the misunderstandings and deceit of so-and-so, I think discipline is covered on this particular situation."
And to be fair to the school, it's not unheard of for students to fake being sick in order to get out of trouble. I think it's safe to say that virtually everyone attempts it at some point, some people multiple time in their school careers. I wouldn't be all outraged over that at all. Every time my daughters complain of feeling sick my automatic assumption is that they're faking until I have proof that they're sick.
EDIT: I finally had a chance to go back and read everyone else's responses and holy Moses, Captain Kirk! I was thinking that your son must be 5 or 6 years old and in kindergarten but he's 13 years old. Now, I have a 12 year old who has ADHD that's pretty ridiculously bad and then you have to add on top of that some of the worst PMS a tween can have and when that girl doesn't take her meds, it's pure freaking hell. But she knows the entire time when a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth. EVEN WHEN SHE'S SICK.
A child with ADHD, whether their medication is causing some heightened behavior issues or not, whether they're sick with germy illness or not, still needs to be disciplined.
A school principal such as the one at your son's school? Behaved in a VERY responsible way in this situation. He should be commended. He was advocating for your son, believe it or not. The world is not against you.
I've also got a bone to pick with another poster who made the asinine comment that if her children were in public school and not homeschool that they would "get ADHD too." That's one of the most uneducated and ridiculous statements I've ever read about ADHD. It's a neurological disorder that can be compounded and made worse by certain triggers, certain diets, but one doesn't "get" ADHD by being in a public school. I'm absolutely appalled at the lack of sensitivity you've shown over such an issue.
It is not going by "hearsay." The principal can only go by what he hears. That's his job. The staff tells him things, and he responds. He has no reason to think that his staff are liars.
I don't entirely understand your story the way you have written it. It sounds like your son did something inappropriate with one of the school staff, and he apologized. The principal called to find out the story.
So, what are you so mad about? The principal is doing his job. Even if your son wasn't as bad as was originally said, all that happened to him is that he had to apologize. It won't hurt him to learn how to apologize, even if it was for something little. His future wife will be happy that her husband knows how to apologize.
It sounds like you know he needs different meds, so that's good.
Unless I misunderstood your post, you need to let this go and not overprotect your son. He was inappropriate at school, no matter what the cause was. He apologized. He is at home for an ear infection. His meds are going to be changed because they are dangerous and causing him to act up.
Kids OFTEN make things up to get out of school. It's the school's job to keep kids in school. Why should they assume your son is different than any other kid? Would you rather they didn't give a damn and let him stay home any time he liked?
So what's the problem?
Laurie said it perfectly. They are a team, trying to help your son. Work with them, not against them.
Ok, deep breath mama. I can totally understand why you are fuming, I would be too. The principal seems to be coming at this from a weird angle, to say the least.
However, I would encourage you to take another deep breath and step back. Decisions made from your anger will not be productive. Here's what I think:
-totally not fair that the game of 'telephone' led to an exaggerated story
-your son did in fact do something wrong (even if it was minor)
-his infection and/or meds probably had lots to do with it
If it were me, I would sit down with the principal and any other staff (teachers?) directly involved with your son. Do NOT rehash the whole incident. State that you understand your son did 'x' and it was not ok, he has admitted it and will accept a consequence. Do you have a preference of the consequence? (Amazing that they would ask, most schools have tight policies that don't leave room for parent input). If you don't have an idea, get one. What do you find reasonable? An apology letter to the affected staff? Missing one recess? Whatever you think, have it ready to discuss, and ready to be negotiated. This doesn't sound to me like something that deserves a very heavy punishment, just like a kid smarting off to a teacher would probably not even be reported to his parents, the teacher would just admonish him.
Then, give a status report as to the state your your son's meds. Sounds like you have kept them up to speed on this, but put it out there. Offer that you are complying with medical opinions on the needs of your son, and are working closely with your docs to maximize your son's chance for success. Ask the principal/teacher what you can do to support them in helping your son. Say it just like that. This lets them know that you are willing to work as a team, and always implies that you expect them to help him as well. Then discuss from there.
Again, you are being mama bear right now and that makes perfect sense. But realize that the principal is looking out for his staff and his school. If you go in guns ablazing, you will get nowhere. Go in with a spirit of working together with the school to do the best things for your son, asking what you can do to make their job easier and you will be amazed how much the situation can soften.
Good luck, and hope your kiddo feels better soon!
If I'm reading this right - your son didn't really have 'psychotic fit when told no, smashed displays to the ground, smashed up things with his feet, and yelled and carried on like a crazy person'?
He just tried to sneak something after he was told 'No'?
He didn't really cause all that damage? What damage (if any) was there?
The whole story was built up?
I think by the time the principal called again last night, I'd be incline to tell him that you thought the matter had been dealt with and already settled.
Your son has already apologized to the staff member in question.
I'd have asked the principal what HE was thinking about punishment when the staff member had already indicated the matter was over.
Also, even if he HAD a psychotic episode, seeing as he's on medication and it has been changed, I'm not sure you can or should punish a kid for a prescribed drug reaction.
If damages were caused, you would probably have to pay to fix/replace materials.
If the principal is asking for your suggestion on the level of punishment, you can just say that he has received appropriate punishment at home, has apologized to the staff member, and that every one should now move forward. Now, I saw that assuming that the principal is not still accusing your son of breaking things and destroying property. If he still claims he did the damage and every one who witnessed the incident is saying he did not, then you have a much bigger problem and should get witness statements in writing ASAP.
I'm not sure why yo'ure so angry bc you say multiple people told the principal the story. Not like he heard it from one little kid and came to arrest your son. And he doesn't sound like he went off on you or anything. If your son has ADD and this medicine is making him act oddly and the school knows about this, I'm not surprised if they're a little more on watch. If I were you, I'd be most concerned with these staff members who exaggerated the story to begin with so drasticly. That's not the principal's fault. Why not go to him and ask him why these staff members told such a ridiculous story? I'd be upset with them...
It's only the second week of school here and already the PC police are losing their minds. My 13 year old son got 4 days of lunch detention for goofing around with one of the security guards (who goofs around with him) when he referred to an annoying student as a terrorist (the girl was waving a stick at him, annoying him and his friends) and my son being the class clown looked at the guard and said "Dawn, this girl's a terrorist...". The girl cried and Dawn, the guard, ran to the principals office. My son didn't mention to them that the girl also used the F-bomb in harassing my son and his friends. My son's a goofball, the tallest kid around and doesn't have a threatening bone in his body. He's like a giant puppy and if he had a tail it would be wagging constantly.
I think school teachers and administration are so wound up over school violence that they have these knee-jerk reactions to every little thing. They seem to have no discernment to notice the difference between valid, dangerous situations and mischeivous school-boy stuff. Further, the boys, who are generally more physicial and goofy, tend to get in trouble way more frequently than the girls becuase the girls are overly dramatic and run to tell the aides, teachers, etc. (I have a 16 yr old daughter and a 13 yr old son - I see the differences every day...)
I would ask the principal what his thoughts are about discipline. I don't like the word punishment - since you're trying to teach your child the right way. Ask the principal to explain, in his/her mind what occurred. Then summarize it all back to the principal like this: "So, based on your knowledge, my son was persistent in asking for something he couldnt' have, then tried to sneak around to get it after he knew he couldn't. He was sick that morning with a raging ear infection and was on medication that has since been determined to cause problems for him. You're suggesting "X" as a way to discipline him. Do you think that's really the best option in light of the other factors?"
I also think it's vital that you step outside of your "mama-bear" role and examine your son with clear honesty and the situation in light of his past and the school. If your child is more active & mischievous than most other children in the small school try to evaluate the perspective of the school staff and work with your son to improve his behavior (praise postivie, encourage postive, ignore or calmly discipline negative). But if he's typical of boys his age then I'd take a calm but firm position with the school. Do not become one of those moms who antagonizes the school adminsitiration since they do subconciously take it out on your kid.
A side note - my 13 yr old son has ADHD and takes medication. It's improtant to realize that the very lowest dosage is often all that's needed. My son is 6 ' and 185 lbs and has just moved off the lowest dose of Focalin to the second lowest dose. While I think these meds are vital for kids who need them I think the dosages can be ratched down further. When my son was younger I bought empty gelatin capsules and split the lowest dosage available down even further. (You have to ask your doc or pharmacist if this will impact the medication - some pill forms can't be split.)
Good luck mama - this parenting stuff can be really tough!
I suggest that you've made judgements about the principal's questions based on the way he's worded them instead of focusing the bare bones issue. Good that he's being honest and telling you what has gone thru his mind. Yes, he made assumptions based on what others told him. He came directly to you instead of doing further investigation first. I suggest that shows that he's willing to work with you. It is unfortunate that he didn't get his facts straight first. I'd say he's not a skillful communicator.
Try to look at this situation thru his filter. There are kids who would've done what others accused your son of doing. Does the principal know your son personally? Has he had experience with your son being out of control in a similar or less volatile manner? Kids do claim illness to get out of punishment. I suggest that actually being sick in these circumstances is uncommon. Perhaps the nurse is only part time and the principal didn't have the opportunity to speak directly with her.
I agree that the principal should've investigated further before calling you. However, you don't know what else he was dealing with that day. You don't know his motivation. I urge you to calm down and make an appointment with him to discuss the situation. In a calm manner, using I statements tell him what you heard and how you feel. Give him a chance to explain himself. Have an open mind with the goal of finding a way to communicate in a calm and helpful manner.
He did respond to your requests. You were able to find out what had happened. That's good. It's too bad you invested so much anger in the process. I suggest you would've gotten the same results while remaining calm.
You have handled it right so far. I think that your next step should be to send an email to the principal that details your thoughts as written above. Tell him how disapointed you are with how this went down and that the school needs to work on this NEVER happening again. Tell him that in the future when your son is being accused of something you need to be brought in on it.
As the principal, throwing a fit like that should get an automatic suspension if it's as bad as they say (breaking stuff and throwing a fit). If anything, be sent home for it despite the earache and you should've been called immediately AND they should have written note for the teacher to fill out immediately. I know they did that with my son when he acted out and it's what they do even with the smallest infraction.
Having said that, the principle can't call later to discuss punishment over something the school did not present to you in writing. The school's time to punish is over. Now, the only person who should be punishing your child for behavior is you and that is at your discretion. Just tell the principal that if he thought he deserved punishment it should've been brought up to you immediately and at this time you will punish him at home for his behavior.
EDIT: Public or not, the path towards punishment should follow the same order, a ticket is written up, parents are called and a discussion of the punishment. And I agree, handle this with dignity, don't start making staff and principal into bad people. I don't believe they are. My kids get into trouble sometimes, I never let that change the fact that our (public) school has incredible people working there and if anything I'm ashamed of my kids when they misbehave because I expect more from them.
I would make sure that you got to have a meeting with all those involved. Then have your say. Otherwise there will be rumors of how he got away with a huge fit and nothing happened. I think this is also a way for them to realize that you are not going to allow them to label or say incorrect things about him.
Poor kid, bad meds and an ear infection too. I wonder why the nurse was even called, did he say he was sick? Did he say his ear was hurting? Why was she touching him at all for a behavior incident? I don't see all the questions being answered, maybe it's not important.
He did lie and he did try to take something but he had an ear infection and he was coming off some meds that were causing some behaviors to be abnormal...he's been punished enough. Let the kid have a break.
Plus, I would be telling the principle that they better not punish this child for a made up reason, taking something that was not theirs in not a right choice but certainly not something punishable by the principle. What an over reaction.
Well, I am not sure how old your son is or if this is a public or private school. My thoughts, based upon an elementary age child and public school - sorry but they are really too late! You didn't tell us what exactly your son did but it sounds like he manipulated a situation. He must have broken a rule? There should have been a consequence for it when it took place. If not, then perhaps the only thing to be done is a meeting between you and the teacher involved with your son present so that he knows whatever he did was not "acceptable behavior".
At this point, I would tell the principal that your son will write a letter of apology to the teacher involved and deliver it in person on Monday.
Good luck! C.
