My father passed away on Aug. 14, 2011. The one year anniversary of his death is approaching and my sister and I want to make sure to honor him and help our mom on this very significant day. We are all still very much struggling with the loss. Our mom continues to have a very difficult time, obviously.
My question is what have you done to memorialize a loved one on the anniversary of his/her death? We will visit his grave and will spend the day with our mother but we are kind of at a loss for concrete ideas of what to do in his memory. Our children (who were very close to him) also need to be included on some level - was thinking of possibly planting a tree with them?
I would appreciate thoughts you may have on how to handle the day with grace and to make it meaningful for my mom in particular. I know that it's going to be very difficult no matter what but want to try to ensure that we have made it special and perhaps can begin a family tradition of how to honor that day year after year.
Thank you very much for your ideas!
I think I need to add that we have asked mom what she wants to do and she doesn't really know. She wants to go to his grave and have a nice dinner out somewhere but she is clearly not wanting to make any of the plans happen so it is up to us to figure it out.
If that's what she wants then I would go to his grave and have a nice dinner out and that's all. She may want time to herself.
We plant trees and flowers as 'tributes' for memorials. We usually try to find something that matches the loved one's tastes...
So my Grandpa, we plant pine trees in the forest... because he lived in the mountains and they were his favorite.
My baby sister, we plant daisies or carnations... because she was only 15 months when we lost her, and they are flowers that symbolize innocence.
My other Grandpa recently passed away, and I am going to be planting some roses in his honor, because he was an avid rose gardener.
Today is 8 years since my dad's death, and it's still a hard day. Ask your mom what she wants to do. She may not want a big family event, but then again she might. My mom prefers to have a lot of alone time on this day. I do generally make a memorial contribution on this day and have a notice sent to my mom. I also make sure to talk to my mom on this day so that she knows that I remember. When my niece and nephew were younger, we'd send balloons to heaven too. It's a good day to look at pictures and remember happy times, too.
I say keep it simple. Perhaps participating in one or more of his favorite things to do or places to go. Sharing fond memories. Instead of going to the grave sight which can be helpful to some but too painful for others, perhaps there is a place he loved to go which will bring up happier memories. My mom died a year ago and for the anniversary of her death I didn't really do anything to commemorate that occassion but just continued on with everyday life. She loved life so very much and her passing was particularly painful for her. So I just celebrated by living my life.
Whatever you decide you will do, try to make it about how much he poured into your lives and less about how much you miss him. It will be a most delicate balancing act.
My condolences on your loss, i know it's been hard.
We lost our Dad 5 months ago tomorrow and at the hospice social worker's suggestion we had a birthday party for him on the 4th, since we couldn't face having it on his actual birthday, the 22nd. We had a BBQ, one of Dad's favorite things to do, had an ice cream cake, sang "Happy Birthday" and spent the day talking about and remembering everything about him, even Mom got involved. The fireworks in the evening capped it all off, Dad would have enjoyed the whole day!
For the one year anniversary we already decided we are going to get whomever wants to come for Mexican food (his fave, we also served it after his memorial) play the music he loved (country, Mariachi, Harry Belafonte and show tunes, odd mix, I know) and treasure the time we had with him and what he taught us: to love unconditionally, to stand firm for your beliefs, and to let your yes mean yes. And if the grandkids want to release balloons we will do that as well.
I think the best thing to do is you make it a day he would have enjoyed, and use it as a stepping stone to moving on in your life without him.
{{HUGS}}
What was his favorite thing/hobby/activity to do? That's what I would do!
Yes ask your mom what she wants to do. We did dinner together and the kids wrote messages on balloons and sent them to their nana. My condolences to you and your family!
Take flowers to the grave and talk about the things you remember about your dad with the kids. Have them write it down if they want or just talk about it. I think reminding each other of the important things in his life and what they meant to each of you is a good way to make him remain a part of the kids lives too. Your mom may just like to do these things and then be alone the rest of the day or maybe she would like someone just to spend time with her. Everyone is different in how they handle it. My dad died 22 years ago and we go to the cemetery and take flowers and always remember things he did or said and talk about how much we miss him.
We went to my moms favorite restaurant for meal, went to the zoo she loved to take the kids to and then let go of balloons with messages attached that each of my kids wrote.
It is for sure a hard hard day.
Interesting question--the one year anniversary of my father's death is this August 23, so you got me thinking. I think the tree planting or creating some other kind of memorial would be great. Maybe you would want to go somewhere or do an activity which you and your kids enjoyed doing with him? Arranging for your mother to look through photos albums with you and your kids might give a nice opportunity for her to share stories about their life together, ancestors, family history, etc. See if you can find an activity to do together which celebrates the good qualities he inspired in you and your kids. For example, my father had quite a sense of humor and he gave me a taste for older movies. I could commemorate him by
watching a Marx Brothers movie.
Sending good thoughts for the day.
This is going to depend a lot on how your Mom will take things.
Planting a tree is a fine idea.
When my Mom's significant other died suddenly from a heart attack, the first anniversary was very hard on her.
There was no way she wanted to have a memorial.
She spent the day sobbing as if a year had never gone by.
She was in a profound depression for several years and I think for her it was like 5 years before she could make some progress in accepting what had happened.
In some ways she will never completely get over it.
In our family we share the meal we would have had with the one we miss. For example, for the one we remember most with Thanksgiving, we would have turkey and dressing on the anniversary of their death. For another, it would be hot fudge sundaes! It helps bring about talk about the good memories of the person, and still reminds us to enjoy the life and love we share.
I'm glad you're aware of how painful this day could be for your mom and that you are surrounding her with your love and care!
The anniversary of my nephew's death, she told us that she wanted to stay busy so that she didn't have time to sit and dwell on the "day". We did the graveside, then dinner at my older sister's house and we presented my sister with a stone bench at the grave so that she could sit and read to him and my parents gave her a stone that had a prayer on it.
I would have the children write a special message for grandpa or draw a special picture, whatever their age level will allow. Then tie them to balloons and let the balloons go and watch them carry the messages to heaven.
After that, a nice lunch where you all sit around and tell funny, loving stories about your dad.
To me, that would be the perfect day and a wonderful tribute.
It depends on what the person would want or what you want as a family. Would you like to gather and remember him fondly? Do something he would have enjoyed? Do a service project? Donate to a charity? Visit his grave or where you spread his ashes? Planting a tree with a nice plaque might be a good family tribute.
Everybody grieves differently. My DH was very close to a friend who died last year and the current plan is to have a barbecue because what the friend loved most was getting together with family and friends.
My dad passed away 8 years ago and every year on the anniversary, my brother and I go to his grave and go to a restaurant that reminds us of our dad. We have had some of the best conversations on those days - sharing good memories and even not so good ones. It is nice to just have time to talk about him, laugh and cry.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry to hear about your father. The first few years are the hardest. My Mother passed away 6 years ago and we struggled with it too. My sister started a tradition that we have been doing every year on the anniversary of her death. We gather the family at her grave and everyone writes a note to her, even the small kids make pictures. Then we put them into helium balloons. We all sit in a circle and share stories about her. Some funny, some sentimental. We try to get the kids to participate also to see what they remember. It has helped the little ones get to know her even though she isn't around. The first year there were a lot of tears so luckily we remembered tissues. Now, even though some of the stories have been told over and over they are comforting. It seems that we find new things to share and even I learn things from year to year that I didn't know about my Mom when Dad shares his stories. Then someone leads a prayer out loud and anyone is welcome to speak. Then we all let off the balloons together and yell "We Love You Grandma!" The kids enjoy watching the balloons as they float away and talking about who's will get to grandma first. Then we all have dinner together. It always makes us feel closer to her and to each other. Good Luck creating a family tradition to honor his memories.
On the anniversary of my grandmother's death, we took my mother for a "girl's day". We went shopping, out to lunch, and to a movie. She thought it was great. As for a material memorial, plant a tree.
I think planting a tree in his memory is an excellent idea.
If not on property you already own, ask the city how or where you are allowed to plant a tree in a public space.
Maybe on church property.
Maybe donate a bench somewhere with a plaque.
Getting together as a family and sharing time together is comforting for all of you. It shows the children and your mom that you are all still there for each other and can go on and never forget dad.
Is your mother active in a church at all? Even if she only goes occasionally? You could see if her church will have a mass with intentions for your father. Then take her to visit his grave and brunch or lunch at a nice restaurant.
That's very likely what we'll be doing for my MIL in October.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mom is very lucky to have you.
