Hi everyone!
As my daughter starts socializing more at parks, I want to teach her how to stick up for herself. Example: She was about to go down the slide when a boy cut in front of her and proceeded to go down. She just stood there and let it happen. He was bigger and faster. However, I wanted her to let him know that it was not OK. I told her that the next time someone cuts her off to say "excuse me I was here first." Even if the other child goes, I feel that she will be empowered by letting her feelings be known.
Today, I watched an 8 year old boss around a smaller boy. She said "how old are you?" When the boy told her he was 5, the girl said "I'm older so I get to tell you what to do." Ouch! The girl was playing with my daughter at the time, too! I told my daughter that she never has to do what another kid asks her to do if she's not comfortable.
Anyway, how do you teach your kid to stick up for themselves.
Very interesting viewpoints here (ignoring the daycare one!).
At 3, you model the behavior for her. YOU stand up for her. You can role play and give her words but right now, you need to be her advocate.
Just want to add not to stress about the getting cut in line thing.
My son would be at the top of the slide for 10 minutes letting everyone else " go ahead, it's OK"! Lol
Really, what's the harm?
The important thing is that your child recognizes UNacceptable behavior and speaks up, WHEN it matters.
8 years later, mine knows exactly what is fair, what's not, when to speak up, and when it doesn't matter.
IMO, too much emphasis is placed on uber "fairness," ultra equality, etc. all kids have different personalities & motivations.
Guess what? My kid telling other kids to "go ahead, it's OK" was actually a way if interacting, making friends and overall being a "good/nice guy." Go figure!
He's super social, knows everyone & is a popular kid and a good friend.
Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing, huh?
Good luck!
At 3 she is too little to really understand all the social nuances we experience. What grown ups see as unfair may not even register on our kids' radars. I get involved when I see kids doing dangerous or hurtful things. I'll also pull my kids aside and check in with them if they look to me like they are unhappy about a situation but not able to figure it out. Other than that, I figure they will learn to navigate social situations by being allowed to practice...without my input every few minutes. They need to decide when they want to speak up or not. Kids are surprisingly capable when we let them be. All that is as long as you don't have a super super shy child...they would probably need a little more coaching than kids that are more "typical" in terms of being outgoing and socially competent.
ES,
For some kids, speaking up is easy... for others, it is really quite a challenge. I see this even with the kindergarteners at my son's school.
I would say, keep things simple. First, she is three. Three. Wee little tiny and she likely feels it, especially when a kid who is a head taller pushes past her. Personally, I'd let those smaller infractions go and start with helping her stop a kid who might be hurting her. Help her to put her hand out in a 'stop' motion and say "STOP!" in a loud, firm voice. Do this while playing pretend; you can model it for her with hand puppets at first, then bring her into the play. Be sure to switch roles 50/50 so she learns both how powerful she feels to say stop and have it honored, and to feel how daunting it is to continue when someone says "stop" in a strong voice.
A lot of it is just continuous coaching, too. I was often very busy with my preschoolers, doing a lot of scripting for them and 'speaking' for them if they needed it. ("Sarah, tell Johnny 'I was using that block, give it back to me' " sort of thing) Be sure, too, that your firmness or insistence on her speaking up isn't more overwhelming than what already happened.
Giving her short statements is helpful. She doesn't have to say "excuse me" before she says "I was here first". That politeness is more how adults speak and it's sometimes too much to memorize. "I was here first" is fine. I've told my son that when someone is being rude or pushing/hurting, you don't have to be careful for their feelings (which can really be a tough aspect of this for some kids, because they are conflicted: they are trying to be respectful for the other kid's feelings--as we've taught them to be--and also trying to assert themselves.) Kid need the opportunity to experience stopping another child from hurting them or taking their toy or their turn-- they need to experience doing this confidently and effectively, often, before they can do it politely and with authority on their own. It's like an adult who is finding their own voice after being a people-pleaser for so long-- you have to get comfortable with it and sometimes, it is pretty graceless. :)
It's a long road, teaching a child to assert themselves, if it's not in their temperament or nature to do that. Be patient and also, I'd let her point out the injustices to you; aside from hitting/hurting/deliberate meanness on the part of an older kid, when it comes to other kids cutting ahead or being a little bossy, let her get to the point that she notices it bothers her. Once she starts to complain to you, she'll be more invested in speaking up for herself.
Role play and give them the words to stick up for themselves.
However, at 3 years old that might be a little difficult. I think they can start learning how to stick up for themselves in kindergarten. Before that, that's what mommy's for.
it happens on a long, slow, childhood-long curve. pre-verbal toddlers are usually very good at sticking up for themselves! and then we pound into them that they have to be nice, share, be considerate. so they learn self-control, and then we're on 'em to be assertive.
hee!
it's a wonder kids survive us!
i don't think you need to do a big teachy thing. if she doesn't bring it up, it probably didn't even register on her radar. kids naturally fall into hierarchies that make parents feel oogly, but that actually work quite well. and yeah, being older definitely has privileges in kids' minds. which isn't a necessarily terrible thing.
if you feel you must say something, or she brings it up, help her figure it out by asking her questions 'how did that make you feel? what are some things you could have said? what would you say if X happened? how about Y?' and help her figure out how to work through challenging situations, as opposed to giving her a script that might not work for all occasions.
but it's also okay if she doesn't get it right now. 3 is very young.
:) khairete
S.
ETA LOVE adansmama's answer!
I would not stress the line thing. If the kids just jumped in front of her he was probably out of earshot by the time she could say something. While you want your child to stand up for herself, you don't want to create a tattletale or a complainer. It is a fine line. What is most important at this age is that she makes sure her body and feelings are respected. So if someone is being too rough or making fun of her on purpose, she needs to use her words. I practice things like "I don't like when you do that" and "please stop, that hurts" and "If you act mean, I wont be your friend". They need to say it in an authoritative voice, and that takes practice.
well she's three. i think it's a bit much to expect a 3 year old to stand up for herself. she is intimated, naturally so, by a bigger, stronger, faster kid. and to top it off she doesn't have the tools to know how to handle it. all completely normal. this is all a learning process.
if i, as an adult, was cut in front of by another adult, i wouldn't march up to them, tap them on the shoulder and inform them hautily, "UM excuse me, I WAS HERE FIRST." unless i honestly thought they didn't see me, and then i'd be a lot more polite about it. they were in the wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.
really, this is not something i would encourage her to get into a confrontation about.
(side note HOLY COW we just had to go do the "daycare" route did we?? rme).
our job as parents is to help them learn to get along in this world. that means how to deal with people. our methods can either include teaching them this (giving them the words to use and the ways to handle it, then letting them experience real world situations to learn how to do it in practical setting) or hovering over them intimidating all the other kids by our presence, daring them to say a word crosswise to our kids. yep - i bet that does discourage them from "messing" with your kid. it also teaches your child that they are incapable of handling it and mom will always be there to bail them out - and that the other kids are the enemy. not a message i want to teach.
i would prefer my child wisely choose his battles. if that other kid was that excited and felt the need to be rude - and his mother/father/whoever in charge didn't correct him - not my problem. not something i'm going to get my feathers ruffled about, neither would i hope my child would get all puffed up and "stand up for himself" over something so petty. why create drama and conflict?
i don't allow my child to be bullied. serious, mean, bullying behavior, we don't mess around. he knows that if a kid is being mean he is to leave, find someone else to play with. he has a temper too, so his natural reaction is to get upset and engage. lately at school he has asked a couple of times to be sat by himself, when one of his classmates started in. i was very proud of him for that! but you're talking about a child that was probably over excited, and yes, forgot his manners and ran over a smaller child to get up to the slide first. that's not exactly bullying in my book.
I think your doing a great job teaching her!! I find myself talking to my daughter who is five about often. I roll play with her & explaine to her why its so important to stick up for yourself & it's not about meaning mean back.
My 4 yr old is pretty laid back too. He surprised me though, we were at McDonalds playing when another set of kids (six in total with 2 adults) came in to play. The one boy who was a year older and 10 lbs bigger decided to stand at the entrance and growl and block the kids from going in. My son bypassed him and the boy wrestled my son to the ground and pinned him. As I walked over to the area the only thing I said to my son was to use his "words" (He is speech delayed but does use the word no). The other boy looked at me and growled (his adults did nothing). My son decided he had enough and choose to spit in the boys face. (Sigh, no I did not know my son knew how to do that as he still doesn't spit out the toothpaste yet). That boy got off my son really quick. Needless to say that was the time the adult came over, I was too shocked to say anything as my son went on his way. The adult finally looked at the boy and set up guidelines for playing with others. I don't have much of a suggestion but if sit back and watch your child may surprise you.
from what i have seen, this sort of thing happens frequently between children "raised " in a daycare environment,the little girls are bullied into acting like "little ladies" and letting the older boys push them around. this is very reason why i dont drop our daughter off at daycare,i stay with and play with our daughter while she is at the playground, i dont sit on the benches and text..just being there and fully engaged really tends to discourage even the most persistent ( potential) bully..and talking to the bullys parents and asking them , "just how badly do you want to be sued? if your brat pushes my daughter off a piece of playground equipment, i will pick him and throw him, is that CLEAR? i have social services on speed dial, wanna see how fast i can have them here?"
K. h.
ignore the jab at kids "raised" in daycare if you want, but there is a marked difference in behavior between little girls "raised" in daycare, and little girls raised at home, the little girls "raised" in daycare tend to be more timid and more easily bullied, the little girls raised at home tend to be more independent and thus less likely to be bullied, especially when accompanied by an involved adult,expecting a three year old to stand up to a much older, stronger child WITHOUT an adult there to assist is just begging for a problem.
