Do Some Kids Really Act like That?? Errr

Thank you Dawn! That was going to be my response too. The behavior may be stemmed from having a behavior issue that is not his fault! A child can have all the love in the world and all the discipline in the world and all the redirection in the world, but when a child has an issue that he/she is born with and cannot control.... being mean to them is not going to make one bit of difference!! If this were me i would have left the park and went somewhere else or just left the park that day and maybe tried a different day.

I would have simply told the boy that my child does not wish to play right now, she is much younger and does not have the big kid words you have to explain this. Please go play somewhere else, then go to the sitter and ask her to help the situation out. I also suggest leaving the park.

Awww, this makes me feel sad for the little boy. What exactly was he doing that was "unkind" other than following you around wanting to play? I do see that you said he hit once but wonder if he was trying to play and it was more playful than mean spirited, maybe? Just checking. Other than that I dont see what made it so miserable for him to be near you. Maybe he chose you and your daughter to cling to because you were the only ones giving him attention. I feel bad for him. I think I would have tried to include him in some of our play... such as if you are pushing your daughter on the swings I would have asked him if he wants to swing next to her and you could give him a push too.

Also, how did you know he was 5? I have a very tall 3.5 year old and people always think he is older than he is.... they expect 5 year old behavior because of his size. Some things that we would find acceptable for a 3 year old (or at least tolerable because they dont know better yet) are not acceptable for a 5 year old, and I feel my son sometimes gets unfairly judged because of peoples incorrect assumptions. Just something to think about.

You sound too nice. And your daughter is probably sweet as pie like you.

I would have given a boy like that 3 re-directing recommendations before I matched his aggression with aggression.

It's OK to be firm in situations like this. Next time you run into a bossy, mean kid, tell him right then to knock it off and leave my girl alone. He is clearly used to getting his way already and he targeted your daughter for as long as he did because he could.

It is not being unkind to a child to set appropriate and healthy boundaries at a park. Learning to respect others is huge.

Hmmm. Yes my kids are like this. When we go to the park, they want to play with other children, and think it's a bit weird when other children hug their Mama's legs and don't want to play. after all that's why we go to the park isn't it? My kids are sometimes a little rough, on occasion they will push or hit, and of course I correct that. Most kids are like this I believe.

My kids can be irritating, and if the mother seemed to be irritated by them I would steer them towards something else - or I would actually play with them.

M.,
you must be a very patient person,everything you did was right,as for the sitter,she shouldve gotten off her butt and played with the child,disciplined him (not from a bench)but right to him or taken him home.That is obnoxious and not fair to you or your daughter to have wasted your fun time on someone elses child.Not to long ago I took my son to the park and there was a child around the age of four..just running around bumping into children,throwing wood chips down the slide.standing at the bottom of the slide so no one could go down ect...The other mothers were calling out"who's child is this?"No answer...we look around and eliminate the moms then we see a woman sitting on bench texting away,no clue in the world her child was causing this commotion.I walked up to her and said,"excuse me,can you please keep a better eye on him,someone could get hurt here."She gave me a dirty look and grabbed him and left.Hey,Im sorry,while I feel it should be the childrens free time to interact and play,it has to be under close supervision,someone could get hurt,not to mention that it just plain ANNOYING when someones bratty kid is ruining everyone's time!!!!!!!!

I have absolutely no problems telling a child to back off if they are acting that way at the park. I don't care if their parent hears me or not. At that age, there's absolutely no reason to assert judgments or make assumptions the way you did here (he has a crappy home life, he's full of anger, he has a crappy babysitter, etc.). Just voice your expectations on the way your daughter should be treated. Say, "I have seen you hit and act unkindly toward my daughter. Please stay away from her and find someone else to play with. She does not want to play with you." Through this, you are teaching your daughter to stick up for herself, and not to pass judgments onto others who she knows absolutely nothing about.

Your a lot kinder than I would have been. But your way is really nice, maybe next time tell the sitter. Just keep doing what you were doing. Now if it were me, because when mine were little I would have been loud and stern and told him to go away. Not always the best way to handle things. but it was effective.

The best thing to do in a circumstance like this is to just leave the park. This child has very poor social skills, and it's a shame that he has a babysitter, rather than being in a formal daycare with caregivers who know how to help children like this.

When he goes to kindergarten, the school will figure this out pretty soon, and they will work with him. It may not fix this behavior if his parents don't help. Or, he may have Asperger's and not be able to figure this out. At any rate, this babysitter is a huge problem and either the parents are clueless, or they are just like her.

Dawn

That little boy's behavior reminds me of my nephew's - he is on the autism spectrum, and really doesn't fully understand when he is acting in an inappropriate manner. But the difference with him is that his parents supervise him closely, and when he acts inappropriately, they pull him aside and coach him. (He's now 11 and after working on it his whole life, he is able to play with other kids without incident, usually.) Anyway, it's a shame that whatever this child's story is, that his babysitter was just yelling at him, rather than interacting with him and guiding him as to how to play nicely with other children.

From time to time, we've run into "problem" children at the park, and when that happens and it becomes clear that the adult in charge isn't going to do anything, I'll take my kids and leave. You were nicer than I might have been in that situation. Rather than trying to deal with the boy yourself, it might (?) have been more effective to take him to his sitter and say, "Tommy hit Susie once already, and acted like he was going to hit her again. I think it's time for him to go home and rest, since he's having trouble playing nicely." And then deposit him firmly next to the sitter. Hopefully she'll take the hint and leave with him!

Honestly, I'd leave if it got that bad. I'd go to another playground if it was THAT bad.

I would NOT have engaged the child as much as you did. I would not have told him that she likes to play with girls and I would not have told him he needed to be kinder, less rough, etc. I would have eventually told him that she doesn't want to play with him, please leave her alone, and that is it.

THEN, if he didn't listen, we would go to another playground.

The babysitter should have taken him home.

BTW, YES, I have seen several pushy, space-invaders at the playground... Usually they aren't as bad as the one you described, though.

Change the situation around? Not your responsibility. We can't save the world.

You know, I would usually do what you did-- try to redirect the boy to play with peers his own age and to advocate for my own child by setting clear boundaries.

From your description, he wasn't there to engage with your daughter-- he was there to engage with another grown-up, and it happened to be you. You chose to be kind to him and to offer age-appropriate alternatives to his undesirable behaviors. Some other adults might not have. Modeling kindness teaches your children to be kind, and drawing lines when necessary lets them know that they don't need to be a doormat.

What is truly sad is that this child had no one in his corner (mother, family, sitter) who cared enough to help him. A big part of what we as parents do in the park (hopefully) is socially coaching our children to get along and play in a friendly way around other children. If his parents aren't savvy enough to find a sitter who is interested enough to actually do the job, to engage, and to discipline the child when necessary (hello! pushing/hitting gets a time out, immediately!), chances are that the parents may be at a loss in their parenting skills.

Personally, if my son hit some at the park, we'd leave immediately. No going back that day. I'm fairly strict with him, and also feel that we have some accountability to the group as a whole playing there. Toddlers hitting is one thing; a five year old knows better and should have been benched if they couldn't leave/siblings were playing.

We sometimes have children at the playground whose parents are inattentive, and then I do give the guidance *I* feel is appropriate ("You can play poking sticks over there, we're doing X over here"). However, if there's a child who really is trying to engage by using negative behaviors, we just find another place to play or I gently move the kids along to the next activity of the day. Those moments are few and far between. I've learned that actually addressing a parent who is actively ignoring their misbehaving child will only make me the bad guy in that parent's eyes. It is very, very sad, but that's the way it is for some people.

And if, perhaps, the child has a behavioral issue, I think the onus needs to be on that child's parents/adults to *help* them get along socially through active guidance. This is in the child's best interests, really...kids who are already having difficulty navigating social settings need the best, most positive experiences and outcomes they can get, and adults really need to help kids with this. I'm a preschool teacher and often see that even though most adults think the kids are "old enough" to go off and play without help, many children really do need a listening ear and helping adult from time to time. Even if only so that they can learn how to stand up for themselves and ask for what they are needing. I can't imagine having a child with social challenges and NOT being present to help them when they are still so little.

If only all the playground moms were as nice as you! My son accidentally knocked over some other boy once and that mom was all over me, in my face and up my...well, you get the picture.

What I'm surprised at is that you got to speak to this boy for as many times as you did, no matter the nature of the conversation. If I see a grown up talking to my child that many times (or any time for that matter), I'm right by my child's side.

As soon as it became clear in the first incident that the boy was out of control I would have said, "I'm sorry but you're not allowed to play with my daughter." The instant he HIT her I would have corrected him as you did and then brought him to the babysitter and stated my expectations to her about keeping him away from your daughter. With the three strikes you're out rule, that would leave one last chance and if it were used up then I would chastize one last time and then leave, probably going to another park.

I like the way you handled this situation. That poor boy obviously was looking for friends to play with but just lacked the social skills to make friends. The lesson you taught him - to be kind if he wants friends - is something that will stick with him for a lifetime. Kudos mom!

Just leave the park. Just because this kid was acting this way, doesn't mean that his parents treat him that way. Sure, sometimes it's true, but don't go thinking that bad kids come from bad parents. It's just not always true. We all have problems with our kids in one way or another, and we are trying to be the best we can be. This child could have an older sibling that is a bully to him, like lots of older siblings are, but that doesn't make it right. He could be mimicking that. My suggestion is to just go to another park. And to teach your daughter the kind way to be to kids like that. She will no doubt encounter them when she gets in school, and you won't be there for her then. I think you did the right thing though by saying what you did to the boy.

yes. some kids act like this. kids come in a gazillion flavors and with a gazillion issues. if you're going to go to playgrounds and your kids are going to go to schools and parties and have playgroups, they will encounter 'kids like this.'
you can deal with them firmly and decisively. put away the fake sweet 'nice mommy voice' and speak to them clearly and courteously and mean it.
sometimes this won't have any effect. then you can decide whether to leave, or confront the parent or babysitter.
no point in obsessing over one little fellow who hasn't figured out social rules yet.
khairete
S.

Did you ever give thought to the idea that he could have some type of autism or other disability? Sometimes kids with autism or aspergers will act this way. They have no boundaries, no social skills, etc. and it is hard to teach it to them.

my children can be like that sometimes where they see someone and latch on but like other posters I stop it by trying to tell them that they shouldnt do it and to leave the child alone and then removing the child physically and moving them onto another activity...
for a child who is latching on to my child tho I once again remove my child and hopefully that will teach the other child to leave my child alone.

Its ok to hurt a childs feelings. Espically at this age. They are learning boundaries of others and how to develop social skills. I totally tell kids to leave my kid alone. Its usually my daughter that I am teaching to stand up for herself and my son is the one I am usually telling to leave people alone. I also will correct a kid if they are in danger or putting others in danger. Even if the parent is right there. I usually dont and only had to tell a kid to stop a hand full of times. But why would you do a disservice to this little boy and allow him to follow and taunt you. Stand up to the little bully now and it will not only teach your daughter how to stand up for her self but teach the little boy that people dont want to be around him if he is acting like that. ITS part of teaching/development!

Updated

Its ok to hurt a childs feelings. Espically at this age. They are learning boundaries of others and how to develop social skills. I totally tell kids to leave my kid alone. Its usually my daughter that I am teaching to stand up for herself and my son is the one I am usually telling to leave people alone. I also will correct a kid if they are in danger or putting others in danger. Even if the parent is right there. I usually dont and only had to tell a kid to stop a hand full of times. But why would you do a disservice to this little boy and allow him to follow and taunt you. Stand up to the little bully now and it will not only teach your daughter how to stand up for her self but teach the little boy that people dont want to be around him if he is acting like that. ITS part of teaching/development!

We run into kids like this sometimes. I do my best to give the new child attention. I try to find ways for the new child and my kids to play together. I think it's important for my kids to be inviting and inclusive.

When a child is acting like this, it's usually because of lack of attention. I've noticed it most often when they are at the park with a babysitter (who really might not know any better) or an aunt or uncle or older sibling. Recently it was a little boy with his teenage older sister and the sister's boyfriend. They really had no interest in spending time with him.

The poor behavior comes from not getting the right kind of attention at home. I just make sure that while that child is with me, he/she will get the right kind of attention.

Yesterday my brother and SIL and I took 5 kids (ages 5 and under) to a swimming pool. The three of us took turns with different kids and "catching" them as the went down the slide. A couple of little girls asked us to "catch" them, too. No problem. Obviously they didn't have an adult or older child willing to do it, so we were more than happy to include them and give them some positive attention.

Rather than scolding him or trying to push him away, why not find a way to play together. You would be teaching your little girl a valuable lesson.

He probably has a kind of social delay or spectrum disorder. This is obviously not normal kid behavior. I'm surprised the sitter didn't do more with him to stop him following your girl around, I think since he was hiring I would have left too.

My daughter has a tendency to do this. She finds one kid and wants to latch on. The difference is that I make her stop, and refuse to let her be a nuisance. I would have talked to the babysitter. I don't agree with people who are saying that you should have just left. Why should you? You and your daughter have just as much right to be there without being harassed. This is coming from a mom who has the leech kid!

If the child does have an issue then the babysitter should be well versed in how to handle it.