Parenting Plans & Visitation W/ Teenagers?

When I was growing up I went to my dad's every wednesday after school and he would pick us up and we would get a ride to school with a friend thursday morning. We also went to my dad's every Friday after school and went to my mom's on Sunday. then in the summer we spent one month with my mom at my grandparent's summer home. Growing up it seemed pretty even. In HS we went out with friends almost every Friday night and Saturday night. So we hung out with my dad during the day and for dinner. No one forced us to go to either house. We just did it because that was what we did our whole life. They lived 15 minutes from each other. They both remarried so going back and forth was actually good for us because during our teen years we did not like our stepparents so a few days with either was enough.

Don't have kids this age, but just a gentle reminder (in case you haven't already) is to make sure to ask the child what he wants. He's old enough to have input on this conversation now :)

My daughter is only 8 so I am interested in seeing the answers. Maybe I am way off base here, but my 1st thought was ... by that age don't they just come & go as they please? Do they decide if/when they want to go see the other parent? Just curious, why do you have to make sure he does all of his homework? I never had anyone making sure I was doing my homework when I was 16, lol. Is he doing poorly in school & his mom is not helping him / dealing w/it?

Let me put it this way - by the time your child is a Sophmore - they should be keeping up with their homework/schoolwork on their own. Yes as a parent you should know if they are not turning it in (this can be done online with many schools). If you want to be involved - then go to the child's sporting/school events. Most importantly TALK TO YOUR SS!!! Let him have a say in the whole situation. My parents divorced when I was in HS and honestly I didn't have much time for either of them since I had sports/homework/work/friends BUT I knew if I needed something they were there. I lived with my Mom b/c that was the home I grew up in and where all my stuff was and honestly it was the closest to my friends BUT my Dad showed up to everything that he could and he kept up with things as he could.

At this point you need to let the child have a say!!!

EDIT

You asked about being more involved and I was telling you what it was like as a child in that situation. You gave ALOT more details and background information in your "So What Happened" so until then we all did the best we could. Honestly, most mediators will also ask to speak to the child due to his age in this situation or to make it easier get a Guardian Ad Litum who can speak on his behalf. As for sports and such - why can't your husband sign him up for something outside of school and the two of you do all the driving for the practices/events/etc... I knew(know) parents that have done that. That by the way can also be addressed in the Mediation/Court.

Now for the Homework - YES there are ways to make sure that the Homework is being done even if you are not there 24/7 with him at your home. It is called communication with the school/teachers. Seeing as you have internet/email it can be done. Your husband will have to go to the school with the divorce decree/custody agreement and make sure that he is CC for all communications (regular mail/email/phone/etc..) Also meet with each and every teacher and make sure they have your email/phone number and know to contact you anytime. Let them know that the custody situation is that he is at your home on the weekends and ask that if he has work that is missing during the week can he turn it in on the following monday even for partial credit? If the teacher agrees then have him do the work on the weekends so your husband is involved. If the school is set up with edline (or some other electronic system where parents/students can check grades posted by teachers) make sure your husband has access. I have seen this done by MANY parents and it can work. It does mean more of an effort on your husband's side but it can be done. If the custody arrangement does change let the teachers know the work will be ontime, if not call you asap.

My situation is different but, here is what we do. My boys have never seen their Dad on a regular basis since the divorce. We tried it, he was a flake. Now he wants to spend more time with them....

The boys are 16 and 13, I figured if they were old enough to decide who they wanted to live with, then they were old enough to say if they wanted to go to their Dad's or not. They do, let him know if they will come over when he asks or not. They are more confident and secure knowing he can't control their time on a whim.

In Oregon children can decide what is best for themselves with parenting time at the age of 13.

My friend has her boys Thursday after school until Sunday at 10 am. Every week. The boys live the rest of the time with their father. She only takes them to school on Friday. Any homework is done at dad's house. Dad handles almost all school issues. She is just a weekend mom. I think going back to Wednesdays would help involve you in homework and school projects. Friday after school till Sunday night and make sure he does his homework at your place over the weekend. Or be the week long parent and let mom be the weekend parent.
PS, You did ask for people to tell you their custody/ parenting time situation. And whether it works or not.

It does make sense that its hard to stay involved you can always ask for more time through the courts but if your stepson is not driving yet and your schedule permits you can always volunteer to be the driver pick him up for school or after school or for an activity or to work and back if hes working. Unfortunately at this age you might be the last person they want to be in a car with and if they are driving soon your window is short. But there are always ways such as teach him to drive ask on a night you might not normally get to see him or work on a resume together or checking out colleges together. The other parent might be more willing to give up time during the week if they feel that the time away is being filled constructively especially on a school night. And don't feel too down kids at this age are hard to get to spend time with, regardless if they live with you or not, just keep trying!!!! It may not seem to do any good now but they will remember and it will help grow a healthy adult relationship in the future

At that age, I imagine the judge would want the teen's input on what works. But I agree with you that being there for part of the school week does matter, if you can do it. In my situation, our parenting arrangement was going on into teenagerhood, but it didn't work well. My oldest daughter, however, the teen at the time, was acting out some chronic severe pain and wouldn't come to my home no matter what because I had rules and he didn't follow up with anything with her. By the time my second daughter was a teen, my ex had moved out of town. He lives an hour away, and though he did say he was going to come back to town every week for his parenting time, that lasted about 6 months. Now, though he is supposed to also have her for 2 weeks every summer, he doesn't actually make any effort to do that until summer's almost over and she doesn't want to spend that much time. So they usually get a few days here and there over long weekends, and text message each other regularly. It's not what I would prefer, but at least I am the one (the one who cares about education and has a Master's degree, as compared to the one who escaped high school one credit shy of graduation) with the influence on a daily basis about school and friends and such.

I have a SS, and we did visitation a few different ways. When he was young before school. We did one week with us and one week with mom. That worked out pretty well. Once school started, we wanted to keep the same schedule but his mom would not move to our school district even though she had no set place to live and we have purchased our home 2yrs prior. Long story...so after battling out in court we pretty much lost equal visitation. (Sidenote) Amazing to me how moms get full custody even when they don't have their own place to live or a job, or a bedroom to put the child in) Anyway, the courts made us do the typical visitation schedule of every other weekend and wednesday. Wednesdays got dropped because it was a waste of time with work schedules and bedtime, plus it didn't seem to bother my SS to much. During this time of about 6yrs we coach and attending every sporting event even though it was an hour away. I have never missed one practice or game and I work full time. His mother on the other hand I can count how many she attended on my hands. At about age 12, he was not getting along with his mom and siblings and chose to live with us. His mom basically told him if think thought he could have a better life with us, THEN GO. (and yes, we heard this over the phone). He really needed to live with us because we were more structured and he was getting c's, d's and f's in school. From that point on, we still did the typical visitation. She also dropped wednesdays. But we were always open to him spending an extra weekend or days off from school with his mom. Now after he got his driver license, we pretty much left it up to him on where he spent the weekends. Our ss chose to keep it pretty much the same, but if there was a birthday or a special dinner then he would drive out. When he started having girlfriends he didn't keep the schedule as much on the weekends but I figure if his mom didn't like it she would say something. He has now just graduated from college, and I don't think he has had any problem with how things got.

So I guess this wasn't much help for you as it was me telling someone about our situation. Unless you guys live in the same district where you could possible do one week on and one week off, then it should probably stay the same. But definitely ask him what he wants to do. He should have some say. Good Luck

A sixteen year old boy can say for himself where he wants to live.

My ex and I had shared custody w/ placemet being with me. We were supposed to have equal say. In reality for all practical purposes, I had custody, made all the decisions, and he got visitation sometimes (when it suited him/didn't require him to be an active parent). The legal arrangement was from the time we split until my son turning 18 (he will be 19 next month). My point being that regardless of what your visitation schedule says, you can be as active/inactive in your stepson's activities as you want to be...just because you don't have him during the week doesn't mean you can be there and be present and involved.

My ex claimed he didn't get him as scheduled because my son has things going on (games etc.). The truth is, he didn't get him because that meant he would have had to take him to practice, game, whatever..by leaving him w/ me I had to do the running and he could do his own thing. Had he gotten him, I still would have went but I could have gotten there for the start and not super early.

Unless you arrangement prevents you from attending activities when/if ex is there it really doesn't affect your involvement.

We attend school activities whether they are on our weekend or not. The kids know we are there and that means alot. If its Open House my spouse goes to find out what going on for the school year. We have been present at school conferences. Yes, some high schools have school conferences. Then again I let the biological parents handle it. If they don't get along request a seperate time so you can also be informed as to what going on with his education. On the weekends he with take him to visit colleges if you want. The bottom line is this is the child happy with the way things are? If he is don't rock the boat. You can still be involved with his education. It may take some work but it is do able.