Parenting- Husband and I Aren't on Same Page

I agree with the other mom who stated that your husband doesn't seem to know how to show love in other ways besides "spoiling". How frustrating for you!

You might try getting your husband to read "The Five Love Languages of Children". It should give him some great ideas of other ways to show love and how to do it. If you can get him to read it, it might help a lot. Actually, you both should read it if you can, it makes some great points.

Good luck! You have a tough situation, so you obviously have to do something. Let us know how it goes.

S.

Sounds to me like your husband is trying to give your son what he always dreamed he wanted. Food was love in his home growing up, so this is familiar to him. He's combining treats and doing those "fun" things all together. It sounds like he's trying to be a good dad. However, you're right. Giving to your son like that isn't healthy at all.

You shouldn't try to compete with your husband with giving your son treats. I would find something different and special that you can do with your son that doesn't involve food. I have 3 boys and when they were little we used to do projects together. At Michaels you can buy cheap kits and do those things together - ie...Shrinky Dinks. My kids love those. Also, I suggest you go through some magazines together, like FamilyFun and look for some fun project to do together. Last month they suggested collecting rocks and painting them. Another idea that all 4 year olds love to do is to cook with you. Yes, it is food, but it's the idea of doing it together. My kids love it when I involve them with cooking our meals or baking something special.
Also, while you're doing this you should talk to your son about proper nutrition and how eating sugary treats are good occasionaly, but bad for us if it's all the time.

As far as your husband goes, you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Maybe since it brings him so much joy to give your son a treat, you can ask him to put limits on it, like don't offer it until after dinner or finding the right time that you feel comfortable with it. Also, maybe you could ask him not to do it everyday, but only on weekends..
Sitting in the front seat without a booster is illegal, plain and simple. Do some research about traumas that have happened to children who aren't properly buckled and share it with your husband. Maybe it will help him understand your concerns.
I would just ask your husband to put limits on his type of attention for son. Like watching cartoons for only 1 hour at a time.

Hope this helps.

Does your husband work? If so does he work the same/similar shift as you?

One thing that I do know is that spoiling is one thing...SAFETY IS ANOTHER! It is not OK for him to ride in the front of a truck without a booster. As a wife and a mother you NEED to step in and say "This is not OK".

Your husband seems to get great satisfaction by giving your son treats..pick your fights and let this one go....AS LONG AS your child is not becoming overweight due to to bad eating and lots of cartoons and is brushing his teeth at least 2x a day let up a little. Compromise Compromise Compromise. I know it is hard to treat your son when your husband already gave him ice cream and watched 3 hours of cartoons but trust me deep inside he would probably rather go to the park or play a game. Try and find some creative and ACTIVE ways to reward your son and show him you love him YOUR WAY!

As far a bedtime...I have 4 children and 9pm is LATE when he has to wake up at 6/7 in the morning. He needs at least 10 hours of sleep at night. At that age I would have my kids brushed up/baths given/stories read and lights out by 8PM. Does he still take a nap...if so is he taking LONG naps to compensate? Try to negotiate with your husband..why doesnt he get him up every morning?

Hope at least some of this helps.

I have recently had a go-around with my husband and 12-yr old daughter about this issue. I fully believe in parents having different roles in their child's life. He is the good-time guy, I am the person with more discipline. I started to be excluded from their events and my husband started asking our daughter to present a list of what she wanted to do on his days off, even going past me at the table to ask her with no reference to me (or her brother who is 14). Wow! Such blatant disrespect needed to be discussed immediately. It is OK to do different things. It is NOT OK to create a united front against mom! I made it very clear to both of them that this type of behavior will not be accepted. And, I have started pointing out when it occurs to my husband and daughter (nagging, yes, only more direct). If necessary I will exclude myself from the event and drive myself home in our car. Ultimately, I can only control MY behavior. They really DO care, so I don't need to go to those extremes. But, I am quite willing to take care of myself and not be part of their complicity. This can escalate as she gets older. I understand that she is daddy's princess, but I don't think she needs to pit us against each other.

Hop online and see if you can find some full episodes of Super Nanny to watch with your husband. It will give him an idea of what he is slowly turning his sweet little boy into. One who will probably be overweight, naughty from too little sleep and probably more. Obviously safety in the car is an issue too. Try to find some concrete evidence for him - not just theories. Video and testimonies from others who have went with your husbands approach and had disaterous results will work the best. Good luck.

I think the junkfood/tv/no sleep issue is equally important to the car safety one. That is setting your son up for a lifetime of bad habits.

I'm not totally sure how best to get the message across to him, because it sounds like you've tried and he really doesn't want to hear it, but I just wanted to mention that with my husband it was really a matter of education. Parenting and interacting with kids doesn't come as naturally to him and he really was at a loss of what to do with our son. I think a book would be great if you think he'd actually read it. Otherwise try giving him suggestions like, how about bringing home a game instead of a snack. Or, why don't you take him to the park and then you can get ice cream on the way home? At least then they'd be getting out of the house and doing something active. Stress that you don't think he's a bad parent, you just think there are things that he could do better and that your son would like more.

If he doesn't respond to reasonable suggestions, I'd try something more extreme. I don't know enough about your situation and relationship to know what would happen if you put your foot down, but I think I would seriously consider canceling the cable or implementing parental control codes so there are no cartoons, throwing out all the ice cream and junkfood that comes in the house, and call the cops and have them give him a ticket for the carseat violation. That would definitely get his attention.

This is really a difficult issue! Check out www.parentingpearlsofwisdom.blogspot.com. The current post is discussing exactly this topic.

Counseling would help, if it's a kind of counseling that helps you listen to each other and doesn't give advice. I hear that there is a lot of love between you, and it sounds like you have a good understanding of the situation. Even though you don't like to see your kid stuffed with treats, you do understand that it's your husband's attempt to show love. For a book, you might try The Five Languages of Love (or The Five Love Languages?) It helps couples to appreciate each other's way of expressing love and express their own love in such a way that the other will know what it means. Together you might figure out what your son's love language is and focus on giving him that kind of love. (It may not be food or cartoons.) Your son chose these parents for a reason, and both of you are perfect for him. It's not a bad thing for a child to get used to hearing two different perspectives, especially if they are offered with respect. This prepares him for being out in the world where he will have to choose among many different points of view. Email me if you have questions or want to know more. ____@____.com Enjoy this adventure as best you can, and all will be well! (Also--is your husband feeling loved by you? If food is what speaks to him, do you ever give him special food? It might open the door to a conversation.)

Hi L.
it sounds like your husband dosent know any other way to show your son he loves him. there is a great book called how to be your little mans dad. it is writren by a man for men. it gave my husband alot of good ideas on what to do to show his love. with the booster seat have you pointed out it is the law for him to be in a booster seat until 8 and in the backseat if avaiable until 12. as far as bed time I agree that you should make him get him up if he is going to argue about bed time. is it because he feels like he is not getting enough time with him?

I am really glad to hear you say, after such a list of extreme frustrations, that you really love your husband. You really need to start there. Try not to focus on these things that he is doing and just focus on loving him. As a part of that, make times to be with him and to talk with him. He has things that he needs to talk about. My husband and I are in the exact same boat as the two of you in some ways (though his "infractions" are much milder) and he recently revealed to me in an emotional conversation that he is actually afraid to say no to the kids or to hand out consequences, etc... We had to face this fear, find its root, and find him healing from it. (I would be happy to talk about this if you want.) I say all that to say that your husband is not trying to irritate you or just wimping out. His behavior comes from the way he feels about himself just like yours and mine and everyone else's does. So get to know him as deeply as you can. Be his best friend and wife, and see where you can get by really talking these things out in a way that totally respects him. It's the only way that will actually change things.

Your husband is trying to be an active father, probably one he wishes he had growing up. What he doesn't realize is that you can spoil a child and you can spoil a child rotten. The difference is giving a child a lot with a lot of love but also common sense being used compared to spoiling to the point of the child expecting or feeling entitled to the spoiling. An example is a parent who gives a child a treat once in a while, even a few times a week and the child accepts it, but on the days they don't get it, they accept that and doesn't throw a fit because of it compared to the parent who gives a treat every day to the point that the child expects that treat and if they don't get it they feel unloved and throwing a fit for it. What your husband is doing is making your child learn bad habits (lack of common sense) and will harm his health in the long run. Diabites is on the rise among children, so is health issues such as high choloestrol. Sit down the hubby and talk to him about these risks and remind him that sometimes it is showing MORE love by saying NO then giving a child everything he wants whenever he wants it.

The carseat issue is so very important. Show him reports on the dangers of being without a booster seat at that age. Tell him that while he is a great driver, there is so many out there that isn't and those are the ones you have to protect your son from. The booster seat will keep him from being as hurt in a accident as he would be with just a seatbelt. A booster seat would also put him high enough not to get the airbag chemicals full in the face. My daughter was babysitting a little girl who was 4 and she was sitting on the armrest between the driver and passengers seat (I was furious when I found out she didn't have her safely buckled up in the back seat). She didn't yeild at a yeild sign and broadsided another car. The air bag came out and the sweat shirt the little girl had on had burns from the chemicals on it. It would have harmed the girl if she had that full force in the face. Luckly no one was injured in the accident and my daughter learned a valuable lesson on child safety. This was years ago before the child safety laws that are in place now. Thing is if he would be in a accident, could he live with himself if something happened to his son from this lack of protection? Talk with him as often as you need too... otherwise you can take the treats away and tell your husband and son that he can't have them which would make you the bad guy even more.

Good luck