Parenting Advice for a "Spirited" 3 Year Old Boy

My son was inclined to do the same when he was about that age. I was frightened to death one day at the Edina Art Fair when he absolutely disappeared from my side into the crowd. He was so small that he could easily disappear under the display tables. He thought this was funny and a game.

Someone had given us a harness that went around his torso and had a leash on it. That proved a very handy thing. We took him to the State Fair with it later that year - got some weird looks and criticisms, but just as many questions about where to find one. He wasn't especially fond of it and neither were we, but he finally got the idea. Some have mentioned something around the wrist, but I'd look for one that goes on the torso, as it affords more control and likely wouldn't chafe the way a wrist band could.

I haven't really read the other answers, but I would strongly recommend "Transforming the Difficult Child." It's all about dealing with high intensity children, and it really made a difference for me. I no longer felt like my son and another day care child were sucking the life out of me! Good luck!

Try turning the tables on him.

This may sound goofy, but I've tried this method and it seems to work. Somewhere safe (such as a park, the woods, the yard) when you are out with him, YOU hide deliberately. Keep an eye on him (from behind a tree or something). When he realizes you are gone, let him freak out a little bit. It lets him experience what it's like to be separated from you, and make him learn to be more aware of where YOU are at all times.

J.,
I agree with the previous mom. It is great that you are following through with the consequences of his actions. Now you have to look at how to prevent those actions from occurring. It's really good to give him fair warning before you ever get out of the car, "Now remember, you have to stay by Mommy's side, and if I say stop, what does that mean you have to do?" etc. If I were you, I would also just start holding his hand whenever you are in parking lots. Parking lots have always made me nervous, so we've always had a hand holding rule in them with our 2 year old. You'll have to explain the hand holding ahead of time too - "Because you've had such a hard time staying by Mommy and not running away, I'm going to hold your hand whenever we are in a parking lot. When you can show me that you can stay by Mommy's side and not run away, Mommy will let you walk on your own." Or something like that. By reminding him of the expected behavior, you're setting up for success.
Best of luck,
Amy K

How scary for you. A leash would help keep control of him a bit better. I know that a lot of parents out there are against spanking and that is a personal choice, but this is one situation that my kids would have had a paddling because it is a safety factor here. I would have marched him right back in the woman's bathroom and gave him a sound swat on the bottom and tell him in a very stern voice "You do NOT run away from me!" Then let him stew over that a minute and tell him why "there is people who take children, you could be hurt, it scared mommy" I am sorry, but there is times that Spankings are nessessary and this in one of them.

Three years is a tough age!!

My advice is to second the Kurcinka book. She also has another good one "Kids Parents and Power Struggles." You can also find them on audio if that's easier. (I know it is for me right now!) Otherwise, the library would have them.

You're finding that consequences and rewards aren't really working for your son. Kurcinka has some great alternative techniques that still keep the discipline, but also help the child be more cooperative.

Reading a book from this author will teach you how to set up a different dynamic than the "you will"/"I won't" back-and-forth that is so easy to have. This will not only help make things easier now, but think of what the teen years would be like... It may seem strange at first, or maybe even counter-intuitive, but I can tell you from experience that it really does work! Even with the toughest little cookie.

Hang in there!
L.

I would like to give cudos to what I believe are the three best responses that I have used and see from parents and say congrats to all parents out there who don't let their kids rule their lives:

1. Set the expectation. My husband and I talk to our children on the way to an event or outing about our expectation for behavior and consequences for inappropriate behavior. There is no question in our children's minds what we expect of them at any time.

2. Discipline at the time of the offense (this does include spanking if necessary.) I do not wait to discipline a child, nor do I give up what I am there to do. I will interrput at anytime to handout the consequence, usually after 1 warning. I also do not yell at my child. I have found that when I am really angry or very serious, whispering in a deep tone and maintaining eye contact until they look away does better than yelling. They are usually already yelling, so that just makes the situation louder. Generally I will pull them close, get down to their eye level and tell them what I expect...

3. Leashes: Available at Target and most stores that carry baby/toddler items. Really, for me, this is just a matter of safety. I'd like to believe that after 1 and 2, there is not an issue, but I am not willing to sacrifice my child's saftey to test it. In public places (lots of people) or parking lots, these are a BACK UP to hand holding, not a "run at the end of the leash and pull me" mechanism.

Good luck!

Check out the book "Parenting for REAL life" by James and Lynne Jackson. Amazon has it. It has wonderful discipline techniques that are very different from traditional thinking that really work. Also check out their website: www.connectedfamilies.com. They also hold workshops around the twin cities showing their techniques. It is AWESOME!!! The workshop schedules should be on their website.

I'm with the parent that suggested spanking. I know several mothers that are against spanking, but from the time that my son was old enough to run away from me (go into the street) I spanked him for these two things (and only for these two things). My son is now three, and no matter where we go and what we are doing he does not go in the road and he holds my hand whenever I ask him too.

With the playground thing...this worked VERY well. I always give my kids a warning...we are leaving in 5 minutes (so my son can go do one thing that he likes the best or whatever-he usually runs and gets on the slide one last time when I do that =) ) Then I call for them not to come, if they come to me then we walk to the car together, if not then I call good bye to them get in the car and start it...that is all it took, my son FLIPPED! That happened twice and never again, he comes everytime =) Good luck to you!

I would give a time out on the spot and not when you get home because it will be more effective for him to understand that this behavior gets correrted right away. I have a 3.5 year old and he does test his limits and he does want to be indepentant but personally I would use multiple punishments, for a 3 year old I think a time out for 3 minutes is the right punishment, but to take away snack, an event, AND a time out seems very excessive to me especially since he's 3 and within an hour he won' know why he is still being punished without your constant reminder. Like the previous poster said, before we get out of the car I explain that if he wants "x" then he needs to hold my hand the whole time. At the park he gets a 5,2, and 1 minute warning. I am a full time stay at home mom and just from experience with my sister and my cousin who both work part time it is an adjustment not only for you but for him too, he had certain structure at daycare but this is new and he wants to test what he can do, but also new to you chances are you have a shorter fuse for such before that really seems very normal for a 3 year old, it will get easier as you both adjust to this new routine, give it till the end of August and I'm sur eyou will have a schedule down pat!

raising your spirited child by mary sheedy kurcinka

One trick that I have used for both of my kids when they were this age is telling them that Swiper Fox is out there and that he is looking to swipe them away from me, but we won't be able to get them back like they do in Dora. We talk about strangers too - but it seems at this young - they don't really understand. Especially if they are very social like my children are. That has helped put it into kid terms.

Have you ever tried leaving the store? I've had to do that before - a couple of times. I just leave my cart where it is at and we leave. I then explain that they have asked us not to return to that store again until everyone is willing to behave and stay with me. Then we go straight home. I know it is a HUGE pain because you don't get what you needed - but is shows them that you mean business.

Good luck!

I think your doing a good job. You are being consistant and following through with punishments.

Maybe give him a lecture before you get out of the car that we will hold hands, give him a lecture before you go to the park when it's time to go it's time to go and give him your expectations ahead of time.

Also I will discipline in public if I can. I have given my daughter a timeout at the store or the park.

I got a child harness, basically a child leash, at target for my DD. She isn't very good about holding my hand when we are walking, and likes to wander off, so this makes me feel better. I just ignore any weird looks I get. If they had my DD they would probably do the same thing. Another thing I do when I'm at a store with carts, is I always strap her into one, even if I'm only getting a few items. This way I don't have to worry about her wandering off, or getting into stuff. If you usually put your 5 month old in the cart, get a baby carrier, like a baby sling , snuggly, or baby bjorn. Put the baby in that, and your 3 year old in the cart. When my DD was little, we used a sling, and this was great because she usually fell asleep, and was happy because she was being held.

Good luck, I can empathize. I don't like taking DD to too many places by my self, because she is such a handfull and I can't enjoy myself.

I'd probably be inclined to give him a swat on the bottom in this case too. But if that's not your style, I'd go for the harness/leash - better that than a kid who gets run over in a parking lot. It happened in my city probably 10+ years ago in the CUB parking lot, but it's so fresh in my mind because I met the mom and dad later. I know I cannot see a little body running behind my vehicle when I back out, and that's probably true of most vehicles. Tell him a story about a little boy who got hit by a car in the parking lot when he ran from his mom, and how much she misses him because he was so hurt that he died. I don't know if kids can conceptualize that. And the stranger danger thing is a tough one - you don't want to scare them too much. Teach him to scream and kick if anyone takes him. It almost sounds like a game for your son. I agree it needs to be dealt with right away instead of in time out later at home or loss of priveleges. If you bought him something in the store, take it back immediately. I like the answer you got that said make him re-walk the path. Maybe do that several times. Verbal praise for when he does stick by your side and not run off is good.

I'd buy a "child leash" and use it a few times. I've never been a big fan of those things, but my guess is that he won't like losing his freedom and will learn quickly what the "consequence" of not staying close to Mom is. And if it does take him a little while you can be assured that he remains close while you attend to your other child.

We have not really had this issue with out son. But this sort of tactic has worked for us in potty training. Our son now HATES wearing pull-ups and this dislike of them is helping us get nap-time/night-time trained.

Good luck.

Hi,

I taught both my kids to be very "stranger" aware. When they would wonder away from me in the store, even just a little ways, I would get down to their eye level and point to all the people around them and ask if they know them and call them a stranger. Tell them that there are bad people out there and if they leave my side, a bad person could take them away from me and I would never see them again. I even received looks of approval from the "strangers". Also, at the entrance of Walmart they have the pictures of abducted kids on the wall and we would talk about them. I let them know that some of them walked away from their mommys and daddys and they will never see them again. This may seem harsh to some of you, but I have my kids with me every night and they don't run away from me in public. Even now that they are 5 and 7, when we are out, if they want to look at something else, my rule is they have to be able to see me at all times, like in the toy or book isle, or at the park. When people they don't know do try to talk to them, they might seen rude to not respond, but they also know to not talk to strangers. I also taught them "who" they can go to if they do get lost. The security or police, of course, but if they are not around, then they will go to another Mommy (one who has kids with them) for help on finding me.

This is such a scary topic and I will do everything in my power to have my kids to tuck in at night. However you choose, you have to do what is right for you. Best of luck and it is not too young for your little guy to understand the safety of staying by you.

K.

I think you're doing all the right things - it will just take him awhile to learn. Part of it is the age - my daughter was such a "darter" at that age. I had to break down and buy a harness for her. Some say it is demeaning - but I felt it was better safe than sorry. It gave her the freedom to move around, but it gave me the safety and control that she needed.

My son is only 18 months old and he does that too. If I am not holding his hand, he's gone. If I am holding his hand, he is trying his hardest to pull away from me [or making himself heavy and drooping to the ground] and he waits for the second I have to open the car door or pick something up and then he runs. He is big for his age- more like a 2.5 year old in size, but what I have done is, I took out the stroller again. He started walking at 8 months and I never really used it with him all that much, but since he is running away from me I use it now. I tell him "if you can't hold momma's hand then you will have to sit in the stroller." He HATES sitting in the stroller, so I mostly just sit him in there for a minute to make the point and give me a break [stroller time out and threat] and then I say "okay, momma will give you another chance. You have to hold my hand from now on honey." This has been working pretty well, although at times I just have to grab him and carry him straight to the car to leave because I can only handle so much. With another little one I don't know how you manage!
Another thing I would try is to let him help push the stroller with your 5 month old, or to have one hand on the car seat while you are carrying it, or one hand on a bag you both are carrying. It's another way to keep him busy and linked to you.
Maybe you could get some street safety kids videos or something. Have him talk to a police officer about staying close to mommy, watching for cars, etc. Keep drilling in the idea that roads are dangerous.
Also, I agree you should definitely give time-outs wherever you are. Strap him into his booster seat in the car, or sit him down in a corner of the store or in the bathroom. Time outs are most effective immediately after the child acts out otherwise he will not make the connection between his behavior and the consequence. He will forget about his punishment until you get home and not really learn anything.
Good luck! Just remember he will not run from you forever- it is just another phase

When my now 27 year old daughter was 4 I bought one of those so called leashes. It was velcro to go on our wrists but since neither of us liked it there I'd hook it to our belt hoops. At first I got some strange looks then other mothers asked where I got it (actually it was JC Penny's). My daugter didn't actually "run" most of the time it was that she never knew a stranger and I was afraid if I turned my back for a second she'd be gone. It really sounds like you are doing everything else right so may want to try that. You may have to explain to him this is not punishment but so that he'll be safe and not get lost or hurt.

Best of luck.

sounds like hes doing it for attention...put a leash on him...until he understands he cant do this...

Hello,
Try to disciplin him at the location it is happening Like if he runsto the car from the park pick him up and carry him back to the place he started from and ask him to walk nicley. Another idea is to not bring him to the store with you..he might get the message when he sees his sister go but not him. Waiting to do a time out when you arrive home might be too late for a 3 year old. Good Luck