Out of Controll Pre-Teen

Start spending time with her. Take her to get a mani or pedi. Take her to a ChickFIla or something and do lunch. Get her to talk to you one on one. With chores have her help you. Say Mandy, can you dry while I wash dishes. Teach her to use the washing machine instead of demaning she just do it. Ask her what she wants fo dinner. THen put her in charge of the cornbread or salad or muffins.

I was a menace to my mom. She was always on my case. I thought she hated me. She was very demanding.
Wih my own daughters I go in every night and kiss them and tuck them in. I have a 14yo and a 12 yo. THey have attitude but I am consistent with the "I love yous" and the "can you help me's". My girls love to make cakes and brownies and I say I would love a brownie just so they have an excuse to make them.
She is not lost yet. She still needs you.

If you hear anything, let me know. My daughter is almost 13 and is acting the same way. She is driving me nuts. So if you hear any good advise let me know.

Hi T.,

I will share with you some of my own story and I hope it may help you. I was your out of control daughter about 10-15 years ago. Around her age I started drinking, smoking, smoking pot, partying, etc.....At the time my parents (who gave me a great childhood) had just started having some issues and I was angry with them and acting out for attention. At the time I didn't know this was why I was doing all the crappy things I was. Of course I thought I knew best and I could outsmart my parents. I am a type A personality and my mom is very sensitive, not at all aggressive, the type that cries at commercials and wears her heart on her sleeve. Anyway, I totally took advantage of this because I knew that I could get away with things or turn situations around to make her feel guilty about what was going on. I know I was very manipulative and selfish. But honestly I just needed my mom to stand up to me and be the mom. I needed rules and discipline, not privacy and freedom. Kids should earn your trust and privileges, they are not entitled to either. When everything first started to get out of hand, my dad was not a major influence and was out of the picture for a little while. He didn't abandon us, but was working out his own issues (he got help for a drinking problem and has been sober 13 years now) but I was so angry at him and I just took it out on my mom because she was there. I think she felt guilty about the situation and tried to compensate for it by giving into me and my brother when what we really needed was some guidance and tough-love. I know you don't want to give up on your daughter and I admire you for that. Please continue to love her and let her know it, but be strong. Know who she is hanging with and set rules and consequences. Always follow through no matter how it breaks your heart or what kind of fight she puts up. She needs to know you are the mom and in charge, not the other way around. Definitely don't try and be her friend, I really think that is confusing to a kid--you need to be an authority figure especially if she is acting out. Your daughter needs to know that you demand respect and she will get respect back when she deserves it. I really think if my mom had stood up to me, I would have backed down. In a way I was just like any other kid, testing the boundaries. Unfortunately I was able to get away with a lot and I did so many things that I sincerely regret now. I actually harbored a lot of anger towards my mom for years because I felt she had let me down as a parent. I felt angry that she never told me NO and I made bad choices when left to my own devices. Your daughter is not an adult and is not capable of making adult decisions, she needs you to show her the right way to handle herself in the real world. These next couple years will be the hardest, but if you stay strong I hope you will come out the other side with a daughter that loves you even more for being a great mom. Definitely seek the advice of a counselor if you feel you don't know the right way to effectively deal with her behavior. I don't know your situation in regards to your fiance and your daughter's real father, but you guys all need to be on the same page and have a united front. Your daughter cannot have someone that will give in to her. I know I am rambling a bit and I hope this has helped you. I want to add that I am not trying to blame my parents for all the bad choices I made, but I had way to much freedom than I should have and I was allowed to make decisions I wasn't capable to make. It took years and many hurtful siutaions to get to where I am today. I now have a great relationship with both my parents, especially my mom. I was able to be honest with my mom and tell her the tings I was angry about. My mom admitted that she was just so wore down by me and didn't know what to do about the things I was doing, but she regrets that she was so lax with rules and punishments. She was always afraid of losing my love or being too harsh. She admits that because she felt guilty over the situation with her and my dad, she made excuses for me and turned a blind eye to some things I was doing. She would back down when I would become aggressive or yell. I am loving, but strict with my own child even at 3 because I know it is important that she respects me as an authority now, so hopefully it will be easier later. I guess what I am basically saying is that you need to do whatever it takes to protect and care for your child and remind her that you are her mom and your rules will be followed or there will be consequences. Good luck....I am dreading my daughter getting to this age.

You are not alone. This is very typical for this age. Make it less about control and more about natural consequences. The "Love and Logic" books are not only for young kids. Muster the most patience you have and dump anger. Get the book and use it as your reference guide/bible. You will be amazed.

My daughter too, seems out of control at times, blows up at me when I ask her anything, even how her day was!! She claims I ruin her life and everything in it, I think it is just the age, she is almost 13. Her dad doesn't get the response like I do, so maybe your daughter would respond to her dad or grandparents or another adult differently and at least she would be able to talk things out a bit. The thing with my husband is he is quiet and doesn't really talk back at her much, he just listens so she talks, especially when they go for a drive. You also need to make sure that no one at school is bullying her, they tend to act that way when they have that problem.

I have a 15 yr old girl. I understand you feel a need to "control" her. We don't own our children, it is our job to guide them and trust that we have taught them well from the start so they make good choices.

What I have found to work best is COMMUNICATION. A pre-teen is going through emotional and physical changes they don't understand themselves. Let her talk to you about anything and be available to her. There are times she wants you there like she did when she was small and then times she thinks she knows it all and wants nothing to do with you. It is HARD to deal with that as a parent.

They need a strong support system to help guide them not "control" them. The "control" is something that I would certainly buck if someone thought they had to control me. I can say my daughter would be the same way about that.

Your daughter is growing up, she needs you and your unconditional love and support more than ever. YES, she will go through times when she hates you (or you feel like she does) and YES, there will be some tough times.

If we ground our daughter it is for very good reason, not because we can't control what she is doing. For instance, if she gets the smart mouth..her phone is first to go. Another thing is her friends. NO, we can't choose their friends but we can navigate through it. My daughter just ended her friendship with her BFF (of 4 yrs) in January. Just last week she told me that she didn't realize how hurtful her BFF was to some other people until she was "outside the box and looking in". My daughter's behavior towards us changed for much better when she dropped that friend. She has also noticed that teachers are looking at her differently and putting her in more of a leadership role. We attribute the positive changes to dumping the friend.
Don't get me wrong, the friend is a nice girl but different values and from a family where support is not around for her.

Hang in there, things do get better. We've all had moments like this.

Oh I dread that age.....I know I was bad at that age too. She is reaching out for independence and dealing with hormones and emotions that she does not understand. Spend quality time with her and love her even if she pushes you away, she needs you alot right now. Even when she is acting like a big know it all brat, try to picture the little girl inside that was/is so sweet. Every thing needs to be negotiated together from this point on. Tell her you need her help, what does she think is fair punishment when she is mean to her brothers? Make sure that every interaction comes from a place of motherly love, not anger. If she senses anger, she will resist more. Maybe you two can go do something special this weekend together? It's hard at that age. She is trying to and expected to grow up to be her own individual woman, yet at the same time, she has to live by your rules. It's a fine line to walk. Respect needs to be established between both of you as women. Tell her that you're not here to control her, you're here to help her and take care of her as she grows. That before long, she'll be out on her own and you want to enjoy these years together. Good Luck.

T.,

Cumberland WI

Birthday 13
Out of control
Know it all
Lazy, disrespectful
Mean to siblings
Tried everything

Have you considered contacting your local police department, juvenile hall, homeless shelter or morgue and asking them to give your daughter a tour and a talking to? Out of control, lazy, mean, selfish and disrespectful kids who haven’t responded to anything else and don’t have “a clue”, just how good they have it, sometimes need a “serious” wake up call.

You haven’t tried it all mom, your daughter is just 13, still time to get her in line. I would also consider changing schools and really limiting or eliminating contact with any friend you suspect as a bad influence. Keep in mind other parents may consider your daughter as a bad influence and would be happy to have her out of their lives as well.

In the meantime make a list of what you expect of her, manners, chores, school work. Post it on the fridge for ALL to see. If she doesn’t obey, she gets the minimum: food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, discipline and LOVE. Anything else…phone, computer, TV, sleepovers, mall, movies, junk food/drinks..NONE. Let her earn privileges and material things the hard way and you will send into the world a respectful and decent person.

Keep us posted.

Blessings….

Sounds like she's surrounded by guys at the house. Would there be any benefit from having a girls day out? You could take her shopping, ice cream, lunch. Do everything you can to just be loving and listen to her. Perhaps say things like "I hear you." and "I understand what you're trying to say..." At this age, I think she's probably got a lot on her mind and lots of questions (about sex, boyfriends, etc) and doesn't know who to talk to. Doesn't want to talk to mom. Probably has a lot of peer pressure from her friends. It's a tough time in her life. I think I was slamming doors at this age,telling my mom I hate her. Of course, now I've grown up and have a great relationship with my mom. Another thought: Is she upset that you're getting remarried? Have you ever asked her? Maybe that's an issue? Good luck. Hang in there. Think about having a girls time doing what SHE wants to do - movie, the mall.

UPDATE: Found this book. I read a different book by this author and it was such an easy read and easy to follow. I've read "for women only" and this one is called FOR PARENTS ONLY. http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Only-Getting-Inside-Head/dp...

I can sympathize with you. I have an 11 yr old that is very explosive and developing a huge attitude. I notice it is triggered when she doesn't know what to do with her feelings. I continue to talk to her and don't let her get away without expressing something. It is hard on me to be persistent (single mom) but I've been working on this for 5 years (she's adopted and we've worked through a lot of feelings). I'm not judgmental and let her talk. When's she's done I ask if she'd like to know what I would do or get some suggestions of what has worked for others.
I have also been studying the Love and Logic concept. It is fantastic. It puts all the ownership of the behavior on her and is non-confrontational.
When she cops an attitude I ignore her. When she screams or whatever, I tell her I only talk with people that treat me with respect. Grounding doesn't work but more chores has helped.

Have faith and be strong. I will get better.

R. Weber
Allura Designs
Jewelry as unique as you.
www.myallura.com/sparkle

Hi T.,

I have recently had some in depth training on a program called The One Week Parenting Miracle. It is a parenting program aimed directly at pre-adolescents who have negative behavior. My family psychologist developed this program and has been using it in his practice for 25 years. This a program that can help parents who are worried and care, but just feel lost! I have been using the techniques with my two toddlers and have already seen some amazing behavior changes. The feeling in our home is also much more positive. The website for the program is www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. I hope this will help you!

E.

Check out Jim Fay's books on Parenting with Love and Logic. They are very good at helping parents establish meaningful relationships with their children and making them into thoughtful, compassionate, responsible adults. They also have interactive workshops you can attend. I was a teacher and attended their workshop Teaching with Love and Logic. Awesome stuff and Jim Fay and his staff are a delight to listen to. Good luck!
A.

Go to Markgregston.com for great advice on parenting teens. I am signed up for his daily emails, and believe he has great insight and compassion.

My answer is "Love and Logic". It is a program used by parents and educators that is fabulous. It uses natural consequences to teach the child vs. the adult arguing or nagging about the behavior. You will be amazed at the difference it makes, your household dynamics will be completely transformed, and best of all, your children will become responsible for their own behaviors without hating you in the process.

Look for a mentoring program in your area. Sometimes the local YMCA or other club will offer something like that. Perhaps call the local Department of Human Services or your daughters school as they should have a list of mentoring programs in the area. I found an excellent mentor for my son through his school when we were having trouble and it was a huge help!

As for doing chores, they way I handled it with my kids is that if they didn't do their chores, they didn't get their allowance or privledges because those are earned through doing the work, just like in the real world.

The most important thing is to let your daughter know that she can talk to you about anything and then let her talk to you without you getting mad (tho it's ok to tell her if you aren't happy with her). Take her aside sometime and ask her point blank why she is so angry all the time...what is it that is making her so unhappy? Make her think about it. Don't expect an answer right away, but let her know that you will hear her out when she is ready and that you will be waiting for that answer. When my daughter finally fessed up that she was sexually active (she is 15 and this was recent) she confessed that she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would get angry. Instead I told her that I can't undo what was done and tho I wasn't happy about it, she was right in telling me and I helped her to get proper protection and had another long talk about boys and that you have to be careful who you sleep with because you never know who is going to be the one to jump in the gene pool with you! I'm not saying that I wasn't biting my tongue and holding back my anger the whole time, but my outward attitude helped teach her and show her that love is the more powerful thing and that mom WILL ALWAYS be there NO MATTER what!

I have always allowed my kids to speak their mind, only asking that they do so in a manner that is not disrespectful or demeaning. If they are angry, tell me they are angry, chances are I'll tell them that I am angry at them too, but at least we are talking. Learn which battles are worth fighting (out past curfew yes) and which aren't (hair style no...for me anyway!) and know that some things have to be learned the hard way no matter how we wish it otherwise.

When things start escalating, don't be afraid to take a 'time out' and ask them to go to their room so you can both calm down and think over what you or they want/need to say and come back when you both can speak more calmly to each other. They need to learn how to better express themselves and it is up to you to teach them how. No, it's not easy, and sometimes they will say things to you that will hurt your feelings but as long as they are being honest and open, keep talking! Don't be afraid to tell them how you feel too, without anger in your voice. Routing a teens anger isn't easy but is so worth the effort at the end of the day.

One thing I always told my kids is that if they tell me the truth about things, I will be by their side no matter what but if they lie to me once, they are on their own. I stuck to that and it only took one time for my kids to learn that I meant business! I also didn't hesitate to call the police when things got out of hand between us. The reality of it helped them to put it in perspective, that I was not going to mess around while also showing them that there is a better way to handle things than that (it only took one time, after that I gave them the option...go cool off or I call 911 and eventually I only had to ask for a cool off time). When my kids skipped school, I called the police and reported them as a runaway so that it couldn't come back on me from the school. It's hard, really hard, but tough love doesn't mean easy on us parents!

At the end of all of this, my son is now a senior in High School and has already applied to the local community college, my daughter just informed me that she too plans on going to college and is basing her High School classes towards that goal. It was a rough road but my kids trust and respect me for what I did for them because now they know, I did it because I love them and for no other reason than that....though I do tell them that the gray hair on my head is their fault!! LOL ;)

We love Love and Logic! Not sure where you live but they have a seminar in Milwaukee at the end of April.

T. C, I really pray this advice helps you.

When I turned 13, I lost my mind. I was the biggest pain in the butt, talking back, eyeball rolling, disrespectful ungrateful creature my mother could have ever given birth to. It was bad, very bad for the next 5 years.

Looking back my mother made some of the same mistakes you maybe making now. Her only mistake was trying to "CONTROL" me. Inside I was just so out of control and really needed more structure by having choices of either this or that. Having consequences for my actions bothgood and bad. I was very difficult for me to figure out and establish my own identity separate from my mother.

The aim is to raise a responsible, caring, considerate adult without killing the child along the way. Assign chores, list extra things that can be done, make rewards known for positive behavior. As you learn to control your anger with her you can also teach her the same. Ultimately you are her source for food, shelter and clothing. Learn how to use this to your advantage while you help her navigate becoming her own woman.

Get her involved in activities, groups, exercise and volunteering too. Sometimes it helps having other outlets for the excess energy.

Hi,
This might be a useful book to read. "Hold on to Your Kids : Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers ..." It gives some practice advice. Is there an activity you and your daughter both like that you can do together to reconnect so she might be able to listen to what you have to say.
Good luck,
S.
Mother of an almost 16 year old son.

My daughter is 10 and I feel like I am in the same boat. Friends have offered to take her out for an evening, or something to get her out of the house so I can get some sanity. I dread sometimes her coming home from school. I never know what mood she's going to be in. She is bullied a lot at school, I wonder if she is taking her frustration out on me. Let me know if you find anything that works, because I am feeling exactly like you are. I am losing control and I am afraid I'll lose her forever

You have received a great deal of excellent advice here. I would add a couple of things. One, does she have a good relationship with an older woman (big sister, aunt, etc.) who can help steer her in the right direction? I work with youth and find that often when mom and daughter are butting heads, it helps to have a neutral mentor in the picture, one who will support the parents but allow the child to work through her frustrations. Two, one of the best books I've ever seen for moms and teen daughters is "Mom, I Hate My Life" by Sharon Hersh. That book will help you learn to love your daughter all over again and be able to show her compassion when she needs it most. And that is what she needs most of all. It's really hard being 13!