Out of Control 4 Yro

Remove him from area where you are. Put him in another room. Do not speak to him or acknowledge him in any way.

Sounds like pretty typical bratty behavior to me. If it were my child he'd get his butt spanked after excessive carrying on. A little disappointment over a stolen fry is one thing. Whining and crying about it for hours on end is NOT acceptable.

I'd suggest not allowing it to continue, or sending him to his room, but you're already doing that. All I can add to that is that if he comes out of his room ans is still whining about XYZ, then he gets sent back to his room until he can act like a normal human again. And, every time he starts in on the tantrum again, he gets banished back to his room.

First, I don't suggest you video tape it and then show it to him later and laugh with him. To me, that would encourage the tantrums - because of the "quality time" with mom and dad watching the video.

Second, I don't think a child throwing a tantrum because you won't drive back to the school and park where he wants you to or any of the other examples are typical four year old behavior. I have 3 children and eight grandchildren and none of them acted that way over something so trivial. I suggest you speak to his pedi because this could be a sign of being on the autism spectrum. They cannot handle change and they want what they want and they want it now and they will throw a huge fit it if doesn't happen. It completely discombobulates them!

If that doesn't get you anywhere then you have to come up with extreme consequences because his behavior is extreme.

Does he go to daycare or preschool? If he's okay there but only melting down at home then I'd look at how you are handling these tantrums. If you are talking to him, arguing with him, negotiating and trying to calm him down then you may be making it worse and longer lasting. If I had a kid throwing a fit I sent them to their room until they were done. My theory was, fine, if you want to scream and cry go do it somewhere else because I'm not going to listen to it.
You should probably also take him to the pediatrician for a check up, based on what you've shared here he seems hyper sensitive and there may be physical or neurological reasons for that.

Sounds EXACTLY like my son when he was 4. He's 9 now and he's still hard headed about things...but he no longer has those tantrums. He's a very strong willed kid and still wants to get his way and does not like it when he doesn't. I have to be very black and white with him...yet loving and sensitive. When he would have tantrums he had to go to his room and he could rage away. I would just ignore it till he was done. He also would say mean things like I don't want to be your my friend or you're the worst mom. Send to room and ignore. Give consequences if he won't listen. It sucks. Being a parent is hard.

You have gotten some good ideas already!

I would add:

Remove your attention instantly. Don't argue, plead or talk. Try saying ONE thing: "When you talk like that, I cannot hear you. I will be back when you are done." Then walk out, immediately. Tell him you are removing yourself and DO it. If he follows you: "I cannot respond when you use that voice." If he stands and cries outside the door, let him. You can of course take him to his room as well but with some kids that only escalates things and they end up drumming on the door. If he's in a safe place there where he started the tantrum, and won't hurt himself in that place, then you can be the one to walk away. As for your own sensitivity to loud noises - frankly you are going to have to just deal, because he is going to get worse before he gets better. If you let your sensitivity to the noise make you yell at him you'll undermine the work you're doing to take away your attention. If you snap at him you are still giving him attention -- negative attention is still your attention focused on him.

Also, it sounds like he is currently in the stage, a pretty common one, where he is desperate for control over something. Young kids figure out quickly that they often have zero control over their schedules, their meals, their bodies, who visits them (and whom they're expected to kiss or hug) and many other things. Definitely DO stick to your guns -- there is never any reason to go back and re-park the car to satisfy him! -- but give him control wherever you can; let him choose things it's appropriate for him to choose (his clothes for the day, where to go for lunch sometimes, etc., as much as is realistic).

Also be sure to help set his expectations ALL the time right now. You wont' have to do it forever, and it is tedious and boring for an adult to do over and over, but it could help him. "We're getting into the drive-through line in just a minute. Today you can have chicken nuggets and fries and you get to choose whether you have milk or water....Look, we're in the line now. You 'll get nuggets and fries. You get to choose now: do you want milk or water?" and so on until you're sick of it, but do it a lot. When he yells, "I want a burger, not nuggets" you can say, "You had a burger last time. I told you earlier that today is nugget day. You can choose water or milk." Period.

I used to do this with my child a lot at this age, not just about food but other things - letting her know who would be at a particular place we were about to visit; letting her know what would happen at the doctor's office; etc.

The French fry thing -- sorry about that. I did the same sorts of things at times with the same results. Sometimes little kids have no sense of humor at all about something like that -- one fry becomes the focus of a power struggle in a nanosecond and they see nothing funny in mom snagging it. But you could not have known that!

I would never, never, do the "videotape it and play it back and laugh with them" thing because if a kid is disposed to be sensitive at that moment, he is going to believe you are laughing AT him and that will be fair game for another tantrum. Again -- they can have no sense of humor just at the time you think they will.

Remove yourself swiftly (call it "I'm taking a mommy time out" and watch if he calms down enough to be curious about why). Do not try to reason during a tantrum, ever, but talk about it only afterward. Give him control and choice whenever you can. Set expectations a lot when it's a situation where there will be no choices. And ignore, ignore, ignore whenever you can.

One last thing: If you consistently do these and the other things - consistency is important -- but he still is set off by even the tiniest changes to his day, or the most minute instances of not getting what he expects, eventually you might have him evaluated. I am NOT a fan of turning every childhood normal stage into something to "diagnose" and fix medically! But a friend's child was very, very sensitive to even the smallest changes to what she expected (they threw her totally into fits of irrational anger) and by early elementary school they did figure out that she had some issues that needed counseling. Just putting that out there but I truly think this is a stage where he just wants attention and control, which is pretty normal.

Developmentally normal. Ignore. Put in room till he calms down. Hold the door shut and meditate.

I'm sorry you're struggling through this. It is so tough when you're dealing with this, and trying to keep your own cool.

First, I would strongly urge you to make sure he is getting enough sleep. Be really religious about getting to bed at the same time _every_ night and make sure he is getting enough sleep (most kids his age need 10 to 11 hours or more, total per day).

Then, I would to give him as many choices as possible. If you don't care where you park, ask him where he'd like to park, for example. But preface it with "Today, if you want, you can pick."

Be clear about your expectations - ahead of time. Talk about what behaviour you expect from him in particular circumstances, and what behavior is not okay, and what consequences will be if he does not behave.

Try to be matter of fact, and not emotional, in response to his outbursts. When he is really upset, though, try responding "You are really [angry], [frustrated], [disappointed], [sad]" with an empathetic tone, but less emotionally than he is.

I would also really recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk". There are some good, useful techniques in it that can really work to help.

He ssound like he is overtired

I agree with Julie and Patty.

Also, is your son getting enough sleep?

Ignoring his tantrums per Julie and Patty is the best remedy, but make sure you spend quality one-on-one time with him occasionally. When you say he follows you around it makes me think he is craving attention and you might not be spending any quality time with him.

So I think it needs to be a two-pronged approach: spend quality time, at least 1/2 hour per day, and ignore tantrums.

I agree with Mamazita. Take him to his room when he's like that can close the door. Don't give give in to his tantrums. If he does it out in public then I would do it a little differently. When my little one was about 3 if I let him out of the grocery care at the store he would bolt and if we kept him in it he would throw a fit. Till I introduced him to the purse spachala. It only took me spanking him once with it and I would ask him if he started his fit in the store if we needed go to the restroom and showed it to him he would say no and behave. I also agree with taking him to his dr and seeing if they have any recomendations. Has there been any major changes in his life? If so you might find a councilor that deals in play theorpy. We did that with my oldest when he acted out about 3. It was right after my husband and I married and he was uprooted from the home he'd always known. It helped a LOT. Good luck!

That's my kid. Same age. For both our benefits I put him in full-day Pre-K. He is good there, and we BOTH have a more sane, happier life right now.

He is not over-tired; he's just a terror at home!!!!

45 min is a very long time to cyr over a fry falling out that you ate.
Could it be just temper tantrums? Possibly.
However, it might be something just a bit more or in addition to.
I would:
-make a visit to the pediatrician to rule out anything
-not address his tantrum any more than saying it's okay if I ate the fry, you
can eat all of these. These are yours.
-calmly try to diffuse the crying/melt down. A simple, calm address of it to
him then remove yourself from his line of eyesight.
-say one thing calmly to him like "it's okay", divert his attention to something else then leave the area
-take a 5 deep breaths before addressing things.
-know that some of this is a normal developmental stage. Wanting to
assert independence (putting things in blender himself) etc. Try letting
him help you do things like make a smoothie, fold clothes, put clothes away etc.

I usually completely ignore my 3 yo's tantrums. I make her go to her room, and I just go on about my business. And let me tell you, she can really throw them!
Try to ignore it. Do not react at all. If you give in, then you are reinforcing the tantrum behavior.
Luckily, her tantrums are beginning to wane in length and intensity. She knows we are just going to pretend like we don't hear a thing. My husband and I make videos of her tantrums and show them to her later after she's calmed down. When she gets calm, we go in and talk and give her hugs. Then we show her the video and we all get a giggle at how silly she acts, including her. :)