Well this is a new one for me, and I'm pretty liberal. SD's mom (who doesn't have custody of my SD (age 14) or her other kids) is friends with her kids on FB. We have to log SD into her account so I know she hasn't yet seen this. Recently her mom, who has a live-in boyfriend, changed her relationship status from "In a relationship with ________" to "In an open relationship." Knowing her, this isn't a mistake.
I'm hoping that she'll change it before the next time SD logs in, but if she doesn't, how would you explain that to a 14-year-old? She will definitely notice because it's one of the things we joke about (her mom has a tendency to go from married to in a relationship to single on a regular basis). Should I just say that she's probably kidding? Or give her the PG-version (it means that she can date other people)?
And the unanswerable question...what the heck is wrong with people?!?! Who posts this where their friends and family see?
Thanks everyone! FB's policy is that any user has to be 13 or older. The only magic behind this is that it gets them around an FTC rule about marketing to children on-line. To "officially" allow younger users, like Club Penguin or other sites geared towards kids, they would have to do age verification and parental permission, which are expensive, cumbersome, and open FB up to all kinds of additional rules. So really, it's just to make things easier for FB to run itself. Has nothing to do with what is age-appropriate.
I guess I'll give the PG version instead of playing dumb. If I played dumb ("I have no idea what that means...") she'd probably google it and learn. She's pretty naive about things like this so I can't assume she already is familiar with this phrase. As much as I would like to think that it's just some innocent relationship limbo, mom is...um...not exactly wholesome but just keeping it to "they can see other people" will suffice I think. It's just too bad that a child has to have clear evidence of her mom's questionable relationships thrown in her face. What adults do in adult relationships is their own business but it would be nice if she could exercise some discretion and put on the veneer of propriety at least for her kids. Unfortunately, this is the only contact she currently has with her mom, who doesn't even bother to call or text anymore, never mind visit. We would suggest "unfriending" her to SD but at least this way we have some idea of where she is and what she's doing, vs. having her become a complete mystery.
And yes...this is now in the FB relationship status drop down.
I think if she questions it, you can just explain that it means her mom is free to date anyone she likes, in addition to her boyfriend.
You don't have to get into the "free to sleep with anyone" concept.
Maybe tell her to ask her mom what she means by it. Or you could simply say, "She has a steady boyfriend, but is not exclusive with him."
Why is a 14 year old on Facebook? Or is that normal now?
I wouldn't hide it from the 14 year old. She's got to learn how other people work sooner or later. Being in an open relationship doesn't necessarily mean that she's sleeping with everyone (more likely, HE is)... like you said, it means they are open to date other people, they're not monogamous, it' not that serious, they're only dating (not married), etc etc etc...
Even better, make HER explain it to the 14 year old. Maybe that will make her think twice about such a ridiculous decision and the poor example she's setting.
Give her Mom a chance to explain it to her. I would not lie, but the truth is you really don't know for sure what her Mom is thinking this means. So tell that to the 14 year old. "I'm not exactly sure what that means. I think it means its okay to date other people, but you'll have to ask your Mom."
Next will be if your SD wants to talk to you about what she finds out from her Mom... If it were me I would do my best to never judge her mother. I would just say something like, "I don't think that I would be comfortable with that sort of arrangement, but we all are different. It's okay for people to live their lives differently." If you want to take the conversation a step further (I don't know how close you are to this child) I would say, "How do you feel about this?" And go from there.
do YOU know exactly what she means by it? some people actually manage to maintain respectful, honest, responsible open relationships. you don't have to do it. i don't want to do it. but i don't get all the hands-held-high-horror over someone else's lifestyle choice.
14 year olds aren't stupid. if you feel you MUST explain it to her (and why shouldn't her own mother do it?), you can just say 'it means she has a boyfriend but they have given each other permission to date other people too.'
your final sentence makes it sound like they're posting salacious details or sex videos or something.
khairete
S.
To address the "unanswerable" question, which isn't actually all that unanswerable.......People post things like this where their family and friends can see it because they don't feel like there is anything wrong with it.
I'm not in an open relationship - I don't share well, and that's across the board... so exclusivity is my thing. however, I won't knock someone else because of choices they make in their life as long as they are honest and not hurting anyone.
I'd MUCH rather have to explain to a 14 year old why someone is in an open relationship (and honest about it) than why so-and-so is crying all the time and not eating because they were devastated by adultery.
Having an open relationship is a viable relationship choice. There are MANY people who aren't exclusive. The fact that she lives with a guy AND sees other people indicates she has a set of values that isn't compatible with yours. however, you sort of indicate you already know this by her history of relationships, right? At what point were you going to have a conversation with the 14 year old about why her mom takes vows to spend the rest of her life with someone when she clearly doesn't mean it. An open relationship, at the very least, sounds kind of honest about the decisions that she makes.
Honestly...at 14 she probably already knows what "open relationship" means. Give her some credit!
I personally don't think many 14 year olds are mature enough for FB.
I would have her ask her mom. Put her mom on the spot. Not you. It's not your question to answer. So if she says "hey - Step Mama- or whatever she calls you) - what does "in an open relationship mean?" - you are NOT avoiding the question - you are making the mom responsible for her behavior and actions - say - "who said that? hhhmmm...why don't you call her and ask her what it means?"
What's wrong with her? She most likely thinks NOTHING is wrong with her. What do I think is wrong with her? She lacks self-esteem and moral convictions to commit or stay in a monogamous relationship - meaning she needs to be bolstered by the "newness" of it - she gets the false high of being someone's center - then routine gets in and her fairy tale is over.
If you don't trust the bio-mom to answer properly? I would tell her that most people in an "open relationship" aren't committed to each other and date other people. Use the KISS method - Keep It Simple Silly.
I'm sure I'm in the minority here but what's wrong with a grown adult placing their relationship status for the world to see if they so choose? Having an open relationship is another type of relationship many people have and while no it is not something everyone understands it exists. The fact that her 14 year old knows about it, or might, well that's on her mom and not you to worry about.
If her mother wants to share her relationship status with her 14 year old daughter that is her own prerogative. An open relationship status does not have to mean anything negative provided the mom presents it as what it actually is for her and not what others perceive it to be.
O--M--G. I'm sorry, some people have no business being parents.
I'd give her the PG version, I guess. Poor kid.
Is that really a drop down option on FB now? Wow if so. Anyway, its her mom so she perfectly knows what her moms dating status is. I would just say that it means they are "open" to seeing other people and leave it at that. Good luck.
Don't log a child into a site like that. Perhaps stop "joking" about her mother, at 14, the child knows all too well what's going on and is probably internalizing a lot of pain. What's wrong with people? Not sure, but in many cases Facebook does more damage then good.
I don't really have an answer for you but just food for thought. I know some people that will change thier status and who they are in a relationship with just to get people talking....for example, a girl may say she's married to "Sue Jones" when she is not married, not in a relationship, and most definately straight. Another may say they are married even though they are still in high school and in a relationship. My 16 year old cousin is listed w/ her boyrfriend's last name. Just because it's on FB, does not mean it is true.
That's her Mother. I wouldn't bring it up. I would let them do their thing. And I wouldn't make jokes about your SD's Mother. It shows a lack of respect on your part and even though your Sd does not say anything, that's awkward. Enjoy your own relationship with your SD and stay out of "their" relationship. Plus she's 14... You don't have to go into nasty details, if she wonders, let her ask her Mother.
PG version, definitely. I wouldn't lie about it or blow it off, but she definitely doesn't need the details on that one.
Wow, by the way. How incredibly inappropriate to publicly announce that you are sleeping aroud when your children are able to see that... and your family. I barely want my parents to know that I have had sex (two kids, so it's unavoidable that they know) let alone something like this! Glad the kiddos live with you.
I would just say that her mom is in a relationship with Joe but she and Joe are possibly dating other people as well.
Your step-daughter is 14 not 4 so instead of a "PG" version why don't you just tell her the truth if she asks (in all honesty she probably already knows what an open relationship is).
I'm pretty sure at 14 she "gets" what that means, I doubt you'll need to explain it to her.
Some people are just tacky. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, even if this woman is trashy she's still your SD's mother, and like you said, she doesn't have custody so your influence is much more important/relevant than hers.
I would be honest IF she asks what it means, but chances are she will figure it out on her own....OR maybe she won't even notice or give it two thoughts.
And in my opinion the people who posts this are people like this mom who don't have custody of any of her children. (Glad you are watching over your step daughter....sounds like she needs a good mom as a role model.)
I'd have her write on the status Mom, what does an open relationship mean? But since your SD is 14 there might be a chance she already knows what it means.
Tell her to ask her mom what it means.
Tell your fourteen-year-old the truth - that her mother is dating other people while she still has a live-in. If the girl says, "Does that mean my mom is having sex with those other people?" you can say, "I don't know - maybe." Better that she hear the explanation from you, for whom (presumably) she has respect, than from someone else.
next they will put, "in an abusive, or multiple complicated crazy insane sick and twisted relationship" oh well. SD is what? 14? if she has contact with dear mom she already knows what relationships are for her, I am POSITIVE this wont scar her for life. PEOPLE in general are selfish and don't really think before they do much. Its just her me time and her selfishness that guides her hands to click on this baloney.
Guess you dont have to say "Daughter, this means your moms open for business" LOL just kidding. My explanation would be, that i means that she isn't serious at the moment with her current man, and she is just looking for someone to really truly love.
She is 14 trust me she knows what that means- but she also knows her mom and seeing that she really doesn't take the mom's life or "status" to seriously if it is brought up I would tell her not to worry about it because it will probably change in a day or two anyway. Since she obviously doesnt spend a great deal of time with this person her relationship status on a web site really shouldn't affect her world.
And as for the social network haters- anyone with a kid over the age of 9 knows that all kids are on facebook and that any good parent knows that their kids are on there and keep it monitored. There are privacy settings and block settings that any good parent knows.
First off, that is the reason why I won't allow our 13 year old to have a Facebook account. No child needs to have a "social network" account for so many reasons including the one your talking about. And correct me if im wrong but isnt there a certain age, maybe 16 and uo that can have a Facebook account?
As for your question, I wouldnt worry too much about it and I would also limit the time she goes on and I would certainly hope your sitting by her while shes on Facebook. I see alot of ADULTS on my FB that post the most ridiculous things including photo's. For me, I just ignore it and if I find it to be too much than I delete them.
ADD ON:
What is the minimum age required to sign up for Facebook?
In order to be eligible to sign up for Facebook, people must be thirteen (13) years of age or older.
Got this info directly from FB.
No "hater" here, but as a "GOOD" parent, you need to realize that a child will do things behind our backs reguardless and will try to get away with things, they are kid's and FB has alot of content that is inapropriate for kid's, let me give you an example as to why i personally am against FB for minors, our neighbor's daughter met a 22 year old man and was doing webcam (through FB) with him and he was being sexual with her and her daughter was 13 at the time, she had her password and kept tabs on her account, also ended up being that her daughter opened another FB account and she found out. I'm not hating at all and consider both my hubby and I fairly good parents as we are learning still. No need to judge another parent based on their opinion, thats why there is this website for people to ask and others to answer honestly as I did. JB...I know exactly what your talking about and agree that it is wrong to change the status update to an open relationship. But as some of the other mothers mentioned, im sure she knows what it means and it could have an innocent meaning to it and so thats where you explain it to her. Good Luck!
its the new step between 'in a relationship' and back to 'single'. She's letting the world know that her current relationship is on the rocks and she's looking for someone new, but doesn't want to dump the old one yet.
I guess I would say that it's time to stop joking about her mother's relationships, and just be more matter-of-fact without (as difficult as it is) being too judgmental. Yes, keep it as "dating other people" and say that dating is a good thing if someone isn't ready to settle down. Your SD will need that info in high school as the pressure to date and align with a special person increases. Also, some people use FB for all kinds of reasons, and much of it is fictional, so use this as an opportunity to stress that all relationships (romantic, friendly, professional) should be carried out in person and not via FB, twitter or texting. Use it as an example of how things aren't always clear when they are in print. If your SD wants to ask her mother questions, she should do it in person rather than via the internet. If you can be constructive about how it's easy to misunderstand or misconstrue when you are not talking and not able to read people's facial expressions or tone of voice, it will help build your SD's social skills and get her rely less on the impersonal nature of electronic media.
she is 14, she knows more than you think. Many girls are already sexually active by this point. If she asks what it means than just tell her the truth, that being in an open relationship means you can date others while still remaining committed to one person, and that just like monogamous relationships, each one has it own rules for what is allowed. This is not a new idea, it is just that people are finding less reason to be ashamed of their life style just because it falls outside "the norm".
