Oldest Son Plays Parent with Younger Brother

It sounds to me like there was a time when the younger brother DID need a parent so older brother stepped in and that that time is passed.

On the other hand, just about every oldest sibling I've known has "parented" to some extent. My older sister did; my oldest daughter did. I see it among my cubscouts and among my school kids.

It might help if you could find someone else who has been there to help guide and give advice. You can't necessarily just strive to determine to what degree it would be "normal" if previous life circumstances have altered their relationship to each other--normal for them would be different than for someone else in different circumstances.

I would try to work toward what is "healthy". I don't think the older brother should be punished for trying to take care of his brother. You don't say however what kind of discipline he is using-- if he is hurting in his discipline (spanking, etc), remind him that he cannot hurt his brother and give him consequences for that. If he tries to give brother time-outs and other less punishing forms of discipline, remind him that "I am the parent in this family and I will determine what consequences need to be given." (Make sure to give the same one for the same offense so you aren't favoring one brother over the other.)

Try to have set rules and consequences. If you argue with M. or Dad, you get 2 minutes timeout. If you hit your brother, you get 10 minutes alone in your bedroom. Then you are "just enforcing the rule".

Also remind little brother that he does not need to submit to older brother's discipline--that he can come and talk to M. or Dad when brother is trying to make him "be good".

Good luck. I bet they are the joy of your life!

I am often reminding my oldest boy to be the cool big brother, and I'll be the M.. Keep it positive so you're not also hurting that brother to brother relationship. Just keep reminding him that he is safe and happy and healthy and in a home where his parents love him and his job in your home is to be the cool big brother. Obviously, you can't always be around as they grow up and you want a little of that big brother stuff to stick around, if needed. Have fun! Good luck!

My 7 year old does the same with his 5 year old brother. It has gotten some better with time. If a big issue comes up I like to really point out that he wants his brother to like him and they should be friends. He can tell me when something is going on and then his little brother can be mad a M. for punishing him and not be mad at is brother. It has helped to make him realize that they need to have that special brother bond and let me be the parent.
Hope it helps.

My 8 year old son tries to "Mother" his 4 year old sister on occasion. I always tell him that I am the Mommy and while I appreciate his concern and help I will take care of the matter myself. As I remind him that I am the Mommy I also make sure to thank him for loving and caring for his sister so much. I also tell him that he is not responsible for his little sister and that he should be on her side, that they are a team and should be friends and that he can count on M. and Dad to take care of that kind of stuff. When I thank him he usually puffs up with pride and when I remind him of his love for his sister he gets sentimental and then hugs her. This may not work for you but I thought I would share what works well for me. We do not disapline either of our children in front of the other. This is a tactic that our School Councelor recomemded and has really worked well at our house. Something about the satisfaction and sibling competition.

I have never disciplined my son for this behavior as I always thought that he did it out of love (???). I treated it that way and it always ended up (for us) with them happy. For now we are over it but you know kids, they will test us again. Best wishes to you and yours sons.

This is so very very normal!!!!! I have this issue constantly with my 7, I haven't really found a way to stop it so much as control it. I just constantly repeat that I do the punishing and if it something that is VERY bad they have to come to me, if little brother is playing with a ......anything dangerous, they may say no and take it away but must come to me afterwards. I also think it is normal because kids learn by immatation and they only repeat what they see us do. If your oldest is in the middle of "punishing" your youngest, stop it, listen to his explanation, decide if he has a valid point, let him know you hear him but it isn't his place to punish, that he needs to come to you right after the incident happens. If he is in the wrong explain why he is in the wrong, that what happened really wasn't an offense and send him into time out, or room whichever you use, but make sure that he understands why he is in there, so that way he starts to think before he reacts. Thats the best I got......good luck!

My older son does this as well with his two younger brothers. At first I thought it was kind of sweet that he was so concerned, but he is 9 years old, and does not need the preasure of worrying about two younger syblings.
My husband and I devised certain things that he COULD worry about or help out with in place of parenting, like: including them when he plays a game, or read to them. Just things like that really helped take the focus away from him needing to take over.
Hope that helps.

N.