Older, Pregnant, Unmarried Woman Who May Not Want to Be with Baby's Dad-advice?

I think if she married/moved in with him she'd have two babies. I think she should cut her loses with this loser but accept child support.

I have never been in this situation, but she is very lucky and has a head start knowing the guy is a dud. (And it's not because he's older and he reads books both of which I am and do). He is clearly not going to be a decent husband. And she can do just fine on her own, there are thousands of women even on this website who probably did better not being married than being married to their opponent. But there is such a thing as child support and time with dad, which would give her both needs taken care of as she sounds like a very solid individual and she should do fine. And get her on this website too. We are all here to help and share and love moms everywhere.

I haven't had to make this decision, but have family that have been there.

My advice is this: First she needs make a decision about the baby. Does she want to be a mom? Does she want to be a single mom? I think her decision needs to be based on HER raising the child 99% of the time.

Her decision on that should be separate from any decisions regarding her relationship with the guy. My suggestion is that they DO NOT move in together. They DO NOT get married right now. There is still so much about each other that they need to learn. That if she decides to continue the pregnancy ( i am pro-life), that they do so while living singly, and separately, and then go from there.

If she does continue with the pregnancy, then she'll need to establish paternity, and have child-support established. While she may feel that she won't need it, it is something that is due the child. If she doesn't want to use it, then she can place it all in an account for when the child is older.

M.

Your sister sounds like she is going to be a wonderful SINGLE parent! The upside? Dad and grandma will be living down the street, so he can still be part of the baby's life without being part of your sister's.

Honestly? He's outright told her he has no intention of changing. Just my opinion here... if she continues to push him to be her image of a husband and father, she's just going to end up even more frustrated and hurt. It's simply not going to happen.

IMHO, there's only one reason to get married, at any age and in any situation. And that is you are CRAZY about each other, completely in love and want to spend the rest of your life with the person.

So really, I don't hear any of that in your post.

Likewise, there is no reason she can't have a good relationship with the father of her child, collect support, share parenting (or not, whichever works for them), turn out to be a fantastic mom, keep her house, keep her job, and live happily ever after with him or without him.

I mean, have you asked her, Do you REALLY LOVE him Sista?

:)

If I wanted a baby and I were in her situation, I would definitely keep the baby, regardless of the fact that the situation is not "ideal."

She should NOT move in with this guy, and this is why:

You said: "Last night she did this and opened the discussion, to which he responded, "no thanks". When she asked for clarification, he told her he wasn't interested in doing any of the chores, and didn't see a need to talk about it."

If that is exactly the way it went, then your sister already knows everything she needs to know about this guy. He is a selfish, uncommunicative jerk, and there is no way she should get seriously involved with him. It will be doomed from the start.

I think she should make plans to do this on her own, and find out how much involvement he intends to have, and discuss child support with him.

He's interested in the sex (it's the only thing his Mommy doesn't do for him).
He's not interested in being a partner (or a parent).
No doubt he'll be looking for a Mommy replacement as his own Mom becomes too old to look after him in the manner to which he has become accustomed.
I think your sister should raise her own child without taking on this adult child.
There are worse things than being a single parent.
She'll be fine without this dead weight hanging around her neck.

Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm...this is a tricky one. I will start by saying that I absolutely do NOT have personal experience with this particular type of situation. I was 22, pregnant & married to a guy who believes completely that we are both adults so we both help in any way we can be it cooking dinner, changing diapers, earning money, taking out the trash, reading bedtime stories, etc., etc., etc.

Sounds to me like she's pregnant & happy about it, but the guy is a jerk. I honestly can see absolutely nothing wrong with her saying, "You know, I'm re-thinking the whole moving-in together thing, but I'd love for you to be totally & completely active in our child's life." She's in her own house & gainfully employed, so she'll need to figure out about child support, but this guy sounds like a dud & to be honest, from what you said, it doesn't even sound like she really likes him, she's just settling.

He is in his 50's and lives with his able body mother? He has LOSER written all over him. Baby or no baby, no way should your sister take his BS. Your sister can and will thrive in raising this child on her own.

No way would I put up with him!!!

Hmmmm...sure sounds like this man is responsibility reflective. :)

I had my baby at 39 and it was a breeze. My BFF had hers at 41 and no problems. (We were both in committed relationships though--and trying!)

O. thing is a given, if she continues the pregnancy and he moves in, she's going to end up with TWO babies. personally, I wouldn't be (and never have been) interested in a man who is content with and seeks a replacement mommy.

However, the way she approached it was a little.....clinical. Here's the list, here's what you gotta do......

That probably doesn't change his basic character though. And he's obviously not head-over-heels in love or he would be welcoming the challenges and the lifestyle change, right?

If she has the baby, she probably should go through the court system to get court ordered child support, because that might be another action (paying) that he isn't "interested" in.

Sometimes we can't completely understand why certain things happen in life. Who knows? This child could be a real blessing for her, right?

Haven't had any relatives in their 40s have this problem. But I wouldn't want a man that lives with mom say to me "no thanks". This has red flags all over it. Mommy does everything so why should I move in with you? You want me to what?

Cut the losses, get child support and visitation written out. Keep your home and don't look back. He is not going to be there as a father figure you want your child to have. Find other men to do that.

I am sorry that your sister is in this situation. She can raise this child alone and with friends. The father is not just a donor.

Whatever she does right now don't get married and don't let him move in. Because the next step is momma moving in with her. So she would have a ready made family and she is doing all the work. Not a good scenario.

Best to stay single in this case. Keep us posted.

The other S.

Having a grown man slug on her couch is going to make it much harder. If she is financially and mentally prepared for a child, my suggestion is to go for it, but don't complicate the situation by bringing in this mooch. He will not be a help to her, only a hindrance. If she wants, he can come stay a few weeks around time baby is born, to help out a bit. Other than that, she can just get a life insurance policy on him and child support. That's going to be the only real help he is to her or the baby.

I have been in a similar situation. Having a baby at 40 has it's ups and downs. it's not harder than doing it at 18. It's just differant. I've done both and it is ok at 40. You have the stability and financials together, so, no fretting over diapers. You don't have the energy you had at 18, but, you also don't want to be anywhere other than at home with baby. I get a lot of enjoyment out of watching my littles and there are no regrets that I can't be out doing whatever my friends are.

Thanks for this post. If I were her I would do what was best for the child. Life is best for the child (my opinion). This man is 50+ years old, set in his ways, and used to being waited on. He may not be husband material. It takes more than chores to be a husband. Moving in with him isn't the answer to her problems.

I have a son. My one and only. I knew when he was conceived that I wasn't going to do anything to hurt or harm him but wanted to do everything I could to help him survive and thrive. The first year of his life, his father did nothing for him. I had to eventually come to my senses and take him to court for support. Financially a child has a right to be supported by both parents. So his father contributes financially to his well being. That money is used for his care and mostly saved for college.

I wouldn't change a thing about this. I has not been easy but being able to keep the main thing the main thing has been priceless. The main thing being making decisions in my son's best interest. Sometimes that has meant me making decisions I don't like for me but it isn't about me. My son is now 16 and has a father and a step father. He is loved and cared for by many. He has his teenage issues as most teens do but he is a good kid.

One thing she can count on is this man is who he is, don't expect him to change, take him at face value and pay close attention to what he says. People mean what they say, especially when they are as old as he is.

She will need to figure out how she is going to make this work for her and the child and make the most of it. If she has family and friends nearby who can and will help that would be wonderful.

When I was a single parent, I always had plenty of friends that would partner with me in raising our children. We could buy food in bulk and split it and save money and eat for a month for a fraction of the costs if I purchased stuff alone. Understand there is always a way.

I haven't been in this situation myself, so I admit that I'm not speaking from experience here, but imo she shouldn't let him move in if he's not going to help her in any way. Maybe that will wake him up- maybe not- but if it doesn't, does she really want to take care of the baby AND him too? He still should help financially, of course, but if this guy doesn't grow up and become a man, she should keep looking.

As far as the baby goes, of course it will be hard, but she can do it- she's not the first woman to be in this situation. It would probably be helpful to check into whatever services/resources are available in her area. Does she have a support system? Do you live close enough to help her?

I wish her the best!!

I am assuming she is already doing the cooking, cleaning, etc. So where she is at is oh cool I am having a baby so now I get house help. He is looking at I am not only getting the responsibility of a baby but she wants me to do her work as well.

Do you kinda see how that conversation ended badly?

If this is the main sticking point then get a cleaning lady. Go out to eat. My god you are combining two incomes. If she has been covering her bills there should be plenty of fat in that budget. He shouldn't have to cook and clean to prove his love to her, that is just silly. He can pay someone to do it.

This has not happened to me but us Mama's are always happy to offer an opinion!

I would advise your sister NOT to let him move in. I think she can tell whether he is going to be helpful without him moving in. She can ask him to do things for her now. She is carrying his baby, after all. They are sort of a team now, right? If he is going to be a dedicated Dad it isn't going to matter whether they live in the same house. Lots of divorced Dads are involved and helpful with their children.

They can get married later if she feels she wants to marry him, but I would not use the baby as a time clock.

Whether she marries him or not she could be coping with the child on her own. She needs to decide what she wants assuming he may be out of the picture with that hope that he will be in the picture.

From the little information I have my gust says that I think she already knows he isn't going to help. She could very possibly end up taking care of a new baby, him and his mother if she gets married prematurely.

To bad she put the cart before the horse. There is a good reason to get married before having children. That said, it is common that a woman would have second thoughts when a child is on the way. I did and I had been married for several years. One thing I know is that children change people and usually that change is for the better. Taking the life of the only innocent person in the group will never solve the problem. People often think that after an abortion you life returns to what it was before the pregnancy and it never works out that way. I would suggest that she quite sleeping with the fella and really work to get to know him. Does he have a job? Does his mother enjoy doing the work? My MIL likes taking care of people and is offended when we won't let her. In our house we work together to get things done and each of us takes on those things we are good at or enjoy. It may not seem to be a fair situation when others see it but it is what makes us happy.

I like what Linda said, if she really wants to have a baby she should this baby. She can do it alone. Possibly you could help her in any way you could and she could maybe get some state assistance?
I had my baby when I was 40 (just couldn't get prenant before that) and had the amniocentesis (sp?) which can tell you alot about the baby but not all things.

I DO NOT think she should let this guy move in. He sounds like he would be another baby to take care of and it worries me that he has let his mom take care of him. He doesn't sound like he would be helpful w/the household chores let alone a baby!!! That would worry me being around the infant.

Keep trying to talk sense to her. Tell her she can have the baby (she may not get any child support from him if he doesn't work), she can meet someone else, have a happy life w/baby until then etc. I wish her the best and will pray for her! :)

I think that they need to continue dating and should set up child support and visitation for the child. That way she can be supported but not uproot her life. She should also look for resources for herself and her child (like WIC) so she doesn't feel dependent on him. They may be fine. But she should make the determination of the relationship on more than finances.

Goodness! Advise her to wait on the marriage thing. A new baby is a lot of work and even responsible dads have been known to run away from home front responsibilities screaming when baby arrives. She does not need the extra stress of someone who add to the mess in the house and expect her to do everything while she is pregnant and then dealing with a newborn! I think she is more likely to get any help from him if he will be going home afterwards - for so many reasons.

I didn't read all the answers. I had my son at 34 by myself. I do MUCH better by myself now than I would have done together with my ex 10 years ago. I flat out refused all the screenings and tests except for the ultrasound and the diabetic screening since I knew I could handle anything except losing another baby (I had 3 miscarriages back in the dark ages with the ex)

As far as money goes, I paid for my maternity leave by taking a loan against my 401K. And I breastfed. If she qualifies for WIC they'll help her get a good pump but even if she has to buy it herself a good pump will pay for itself in no time!

Okay, I read your whole post, but did not read all the answers, so sorry if I'm just repeating what has already been said.

In my opinion - and obviously I can only go by the little you have shared with us - I think the guy is a twit (that's the nicest word I can think of) and she should dump him. That's the first thing.

Then, (again, in my humble opinion,) she should not worry about the amnio UNLESS she is sure she would abort the baby if it had Down's. But even at her age, the chance of her having a baby with Down's Syndrome is about the same as the her chance of miscarrying because of the amnio. About 1%, I believe.

Do you or your mom live near your sister so that you can help with caring for the child for the first few years? That would help with childcare expenses. Do you have the kind of relationship where your sister could just sell her house (or rent it out) and move in with you? Extended family households can be awesome, especially for the children.

Because I'm an older mom myself, I think she should have the child and raise it on her own (or until she meets a real man). You are a mom, you know how much joy she will get from this child. And if she has her family to support her, that will make all the difference.

Best of luck, and blessings to you all.

I think if they weren't living together as a couple before the baby was conceived, then they probably aren't ready now, especially if the baby was unplanned (which I assume he/she was). Your sister has laid it all out on the table & this man openly stated that he wasn't going to help. I'm not sure what more she needs as far as knowing what type of live in SO he would be. I think she needs to get her ducks in a row & worry about the child & her health, first, and re-evaluate the relationship with the BF.

I would recommend that she have the baby (if the amnio is ok and she chooses to) on her own. While it's probably not easy to find the man of your dreams when you have an infant, I suspect it's even harder when you have an infant and a live in boyfriend. If he doesn't want to be a 50:50 partner in caring for a home, do you really think he wants to be a 50:50 partner in caring for a child? If she chooses not to have the baby and she was happy in the relationship, I see no reason it could not continue as it had before. If he chooses not to be involved with her or the baby any further, I do not see any reason that he should pay child support - I am assuming the two of them did not plan this pregnancy. If he chooses to be a part of the child's life, then of course child support would be appropriate.

I have to agree strongly with Suzanne W! If they do move in together, chances of that relationship or living arrangement not lasting very long is very high! If I were in your shoes, I would encourage my sister to have the baby, go to court to establish CS and visitation and see where that takes them, obviously have a baby is a blessing, but also is a great stress! For any couple, even if they were married, having a baby changes lives... greatly! She needs to be smart in her decisions and not make decisions based on what is going on in her life... i did that once... and i divorced three years later. You are right, just because she is PG doesnt mean marriage needs to happen. To be honest, this guy sounds lazy and spoiled! Best of luck to your sister!

Wow. J.,

First of all, congratulations on the wonderful news--you're going to be an auntie! And congratulations to your sister.

Us moms know from experience that if the sleepless nights leading up to childbirth don't break up a relationship, the sleepless nights after childbirth will bring it to it's knees.

Having said this. No matter what type of person these two people are, their relationship is probably not strong enough to handle this. Not yet. Or maybe never. But that's not the issue here.

Instead focus on building a support system for your sister. What does your sister need? How can you and your mom help? I would guess that his mom would also be excited about a new grandchild.

What would I do in this situation?
Look into support groups as well as my natural support systems. Treat this as if I were doing it on my own and not shutting him out-- allowing him to participate as best he can if he wants to--but not stressing about it. Right now would not be my time to worry about what he wants or does not want to do. Right now I would figure out what I need, and what my child will need. The support groups will give her an opportunity to speak to other Moms dealing with the same situation, and she might find some great tips and helping hands there.

Most of all, stop thinking about him and them and what ifs. Deal with the concrete. Good luck and enjoy this time.

I think this guy sounds like a loser. A weirdo even. Sorry I hope you don't get offended. Your sister should just worry about herself and her baby. Wait and see if the baby makes this man "grow up" then decide if marraige or living together is an option but it sounds like this guy needs/wants a mom not a wife or gf. Is she contiplating an abortion based on this guy?? This may be her only chance to have a baby but not her only chance to find someone to spend her life with. There are plenty of men who have no issue with dating a single mother and marrying her then being a great stepdad. I doubt she can make him clean,cook,or take the trash out. His mother treats him like a small child and takes care of him but he should be taking care of her if he is still living with her and even if he wasn't he should be doing as much as he can for her not the other way around. Good luck to your sis. I say ditch the guy completely as a partner and see if proves himself as a dad.