Older Mom "Judgement"

Don't worry about what others think. Many woman are having babies well into their 40's. However, as you know there are more risks involved.

Also, size 18 is chubby, not enormous. The thing I would be most concerned with is finding a new OB/GYN office that is more suitable for you.

AWWWW, congratulations (maybe)!

I'm 44, if I could , I surely WOULD. No judgement here!

Got get a couple tests at CVS and call us back, I'm dyin' to know!

Good Luck!

:)

I had my first at 41 and my second at 43. (With the first we needed help to get pregnant, _LOTS_ of help. The second was not planned. lol) I'm in Seattle, and it's kind of the new normal around here to have "older" moms. I don't know anyone in my current social circle who had a kid before she was in her mid to late 30s. I was certainly not the oldest new mom in my ob's practice. They were all incredibly supportive and helpful.

That said, because of your age, you will automatically be put into the "high risk" category. Your other health issues will likely add to that. So, I'm guessing a home birth is not a sound option for you. Around here, however, we have hospitals with in-hospital midwifery services. You might be a good candidate for something like that, if you can find it. Find an ob who isn't condescending and who you trust, and follow their advice.

And, for what it's worth, age really has nothing to do with how one does with a pregnancy. I, apparently, am a lot like my mother. Easy pregnancies with no morning sickness and really mild cravings/dislikes. (Thanks mom!)

Good luck and good health to you!

E., first of all, congrats if you are pregnant, it's such a blessing at any age! Secondly, I am a 3rd time Mama in my mid 40's. I had my daughter at 43. I was a size 18 when getting pregnant, gained 25 lbs. with my pregnancy, and had NO problems at all due to age or weight. It was the EASIEST pregnancy I could imagine & my daughter is the light of my life! I have two other adult aged children, so there is a huge gap in age between the kids. I have been on both age spectrums having kids. I was pregnant at 21 and 24. WAY too young in alot of minds! When my kids were in school, I got stare's from the 'older' parents. I can tell you now, NONE of that bothered me, I just raised my kids, got involved with everything they did, and they are my best friends now at age 25 & 22. Now being 46, I get quite the stares, comments, at times for having a 3 1/2 y/o in tow. I can tell you that this precious child has made her Mommy feel like a 10 y/o again! The stares/comments are rude, but don't get to me. I play on the playground, go sledding, splash in puddles & i LOVE it! It keeps me young! My Mom, 90 now, had me when she was 44!! Even way back then, without half the medical technology we have now, I turned out just fine & am my Mom's best friend. Sorry so long, but I was so compelled to write & tell you my story in hopes you would feel better about being a Mama at this age. Honestly, just eat healthy through your pregnancy & ENJOY every minute of it! Exercise moderately, walking is great & RELAX! Don't let people get to you. I truely believe there is a reason for everything that happens to us, and God is blessing you with a beautiful gift! If you ever want to PM, please feel free, you have support Lady!

E.,
First of all, It definitely sounds like you need a new OB/GYN! Who is he to judge you and make remarks like that? You need a doctor that will be a part of your support system, if you are in fact pregnant, not one that makes you feel bad. Second, Of couse, it's always safer for you and baby to be at a healthy weight. Trust me though, size 18 is not bad- size 30, YES that is bad and extremely unhealthy. As long as you don't gain an extreme amount of weight while pregnant, example 50 lbs (like I did with my pregnancy), then you ARE being healthy. And lastly, DON'T let society, family, friends or anyone else make you feel bad about having a child at 41. People do it all of the time, in fact look at some of Hollywoods leading ladies, having children older. Many people are chosing to have children later in life and there is nothing wrong with that. If anyone tells you otherwise, then disregard what they say. A child is a blessing and if you are blessed enough to have one at 41, then go for it! Hope you the best!

Halleleujah on the new OB.

As for the rest... you need to move out here... the majority of moms I know are in their very late thirties to MID forties when they start having kids. As a matter of fact, in my son's preschool & K class I was the ONLY mum in her 20's (in the entire elementary school there were 2 or 3 of us, the office even made a big deal out of it... over 500 families and only a couple in our 20's, and fewer than 10 in their 30's. All the other parents were in their 40's & 50's).

It's just the trend. College & work in the 20's, marry in mid 30's, start having children in their early 40's.

Hi E.,

Yeah, you need a new doc. Try Dr. Virginia Kelly at Good Samaritan hospital in Downers Grove. She's great, no judgement about size, and she'll be straight with you about what is really going on with your body in regards to the baby. My wife was way bigger than a size 18 when we got pregnant for the 1st time at 39 too. Most of what they said were going to be complication ended up not happening. She had a C section and it healed just fine.

Sounds like you are around a lot of really judgemental people who don't like how big you are. Remember, you can always tell them to get stuffed. Don't let thier predjudice affect you being able to enjoy (if thats possible) your pregnancy. Also, you have to eat well. And you already know how to eat healthy (I know it is not always the easiest thing to do) but please don't 'diet'. If you are eating sensibly, your baby will be fine and you'll be fine, and if WW is helping you do that then great, just make sure to eat enough for the pregnancy.

There are quite a few hospitals that have space for doulas and midwives in a homey setting that is right next to a full fledged obstetrics area just in case you end up needing the help. Might want to look into that. If your 1st delivery went smooth,you'll probably not be high risk in terms of this pregnancy. If it was difficult or there were serious complicatons, you'll want a level one NICU, that way, if anything goes wrong, the place you are at will be able to handle it.

But really, tell everyone else to f-off in regards to the weight judgement. Read a few of the early books by Geneen Roth, they do help with starting to love your self in your skin so that you can then decide how much skin you want to keep around.

Good luck with everything, I wish you peace.

Keith

I am bigger and older. I had my son when I was 38. At my first appt, by OBGYN said that I would be having a C section because of my size. My husband and I didn't return and found a new doctor that respected my wishes.

People often ask me if I am my son's grandmother...whatever! I am so over it. I am happy to be older for so many reasons--I have a good job and a decent income and I have wisdom gained from being older. Stop worrying and enjoy yourself and your pregnancy.

BTW, I am in the Bay Area. I had a test done while pregnant in SF and was told that the average age for expectant mothers at that hospital was 32 to 44. So this is the new norm.

Be happy with yourself!!!

Yes, first of all get a new OB GYN and practice! It sounds like everyone you're dealing with is stuck somewhere back in the mid-20th century. Sure, there are extra things to consider when you're 40 and pregnant or overweight and pregnant, but most of the women I know, including myself, have had our children in our late 30s and early 40s and some of us have been quite overweight at the time! Being 40 and pregnant is really not that big of a deal this day and age and most people don't think a lot of it. If your MIL and mother have anything to say, just drolly roll your eyes and say, "It's the 21st century -step into it." Get any extra testing your NEW doctor suggests and of course watch your blood pressure. Given your history, if you are pregnant, they should watch you like a hawk! If you're pregnant -congratulations and enjoy it! Forty year old women have been having babies FOREVER!

41 is too old?? My friend just had her first at 43. Plenty of people have babies in their 40's now. Like there's such a big difference between 39 and 41... If you have the tests etc, don't worry about it and tell them not to worry either. In terms of your size, I would work hard to not gain any more weight than necessary during your preganancy. I am extremely lucky that I don't gain weight at all so during my pregnancies, I didn't gain anywhere except my stomach - ie: the baby. Of course, I think that's why it was so hard for me to breast feed... But maybe find a good nutritionist to put you on a diet that's sufficient to feed the baby well but not have you add unnecessary weight. I think you should feel blessed you were able to get pregnant and give your chid a sibling if that's what you wanted. Sounds like your kids will be ~ 2 years apart which is ideal for many people.

I was 32 when I had my daughter and at my 6 week check up (C-section) my OB/GYN was asking me if we wanted more kids. He warned me that I wasn't getting any younger and if we wanted more kids that we shouldn't wait. I just wanted to scream at him! That is the last thing I wanted to think about at that time.

FYI - my SIL had her son when she was 40 and her daughter just a few months before she turned 48. I say go for it!

Congrats! Do all you can to be healthy and take care of your body, and lose weight in a healthy way, a good obgyn should be able to help you, so switch drs. There are good pregnancy excersizes you can do for this. Ignore the negative comments, and don't feel pressured to give excuses. Though I agree, a home birth probably would not be in you or the child's best interest. Also, ask for Zofran for the morning sickness. :)

.

Honey please don't worry. Your age isn't the real issue with your being pregnant it is more about your overall health and well-being. Pregnant or not, work on getting yourself to a healthy place in your body. Work out and definitely change that lousy doctor. How arrogant was he? I'd slap his face if I lived closer to you.

Find a doctor and nutrionist and work on yourself. You didn't gain the weight overnight so it is not going to leave overnight.

Each pregnancy is different. I'm 44 and wish my husband and I were pregnant right now. So be encouraged. Don't worry about what your family and friends might say to you because they aren't living in your skin. Build a loving supportive network around you even if that is just your husband and one girlfriend. Also if you have a faithlife, pray and talk to God. He is really my ultimate best friend. I can't even begin to tell you how much encouragement, love, support, guidance, and wisdom I get from reading and studying my Bible, praying and siging to Him.

I'll keep you in my prayers and please be encouraged.

1) I had my first at 39 - big deal. I was busy living my life before that and it wasn't the right time for me before then. 39 was the right time. Ignore the judgment. Plenty of women have kids in late 30s and early 40s - especially professional working women. Ignore the judment - who cares others do what is right for them...continue with what is right for you.

2) Me a "big girl" too - size 18....yes...I could be healthier...working on it now. Big deal....I am sure neither your are I are the fattest person on earth to ever have a kid. Find a new Doctor.....fine for them to offer recommendations and give you encouragement to lead a healthy life style ...but it needs to be delivered in a respectful way. Move on - you are paying them. Check with your insurance to find new provider in your network. I am part of Dupage Medical in Lombard/Glen Ellyn and like all the doctors I have seen.

3) Continue with what you are doing...healthy eating and maybe even add in walking if you can.

Bottom line....do what is right for you and your family....and ignore the judgment from others....that is not your problem - it is their problem.

By the way...I had a C Section and it was no big deal..all that healing went fine....I was back to normal in a few weeks.

I agree, you should see a new OB/GYN. I was 42 when I had my baby girl. I was never judged bc of that or anything else, and I was overweight when I got pregnant. The doc should watch you closely because of your previous complications. As long as you take care of yourself and eat healthy you will be fine. CONGRATULATIONS (maybe) ;-)!!!!

.I was 38 when I had my son...... I was also 293 pounds when I got pregnant. My doc NEVER said any of those things to me. I had diabetes before I got pregnant, so I had a high risk doc.Your advanced maternal age will require you to have a high risk doc too. My docs name is Dr Yu. He has an office in Oak Brook, and he works out of Hinsdale Hospital. My cousin is a labor and delivery nurse there and she recommended this doctor to me when I had 3 previous miscarriages. Out of all the docs I had, not one of them could figure out why I was miscarrying. Dr Yu did! I also traveled 40 minutes to and from his office and it was a half hour drive to the hospital. Please consider Dr. Yu for your next doc. You won't be sorry.
Good luck with this pregnancy!

Hi E.:

Congratulations are first in order!

It sounds as if you have run into some very rude individuals (family members included) who have given you unsolicited negative opinions in the past. Before I became pregnant with my third, my parents and siblings made it well known that they thought we should stop. They were concerned about my health and that of any future baby. After that third baby was born though, they have been supportive and wonderful, hopefully your inlaws will do the same.

It also sound like we are the same size and I have had three c-sections. My doctor has never been rude to me about having to cut more. The only comment he made was when two of my c-sections did not heal well and he said it was probably because of my tummy. I hope you find a better practice.

I too, became pregnant at age 40. I now have a perfectly healthy 17 month old baby girl. She too like yours, was unplanned, in fact, I did not know I was pregnant with her until 16 1/2 weeks along.

I have walked around in a lot of different social circles and have always mentioned my age with her. Everyone has said that either they know someone or they are the someone that had a baby in their 40's. It's actually not that uncommon.

The outcome can be very successful. I wish you the best of luck!

Dear E.,
My grandmother had my mom when she was 41. And I thank God every day for that, because she is a great mom! She went on to have my uncle at 43! Yes, there are risks, but isn't that true of anything in life? You can't control others from judging you, but you can control how you let that impact you. Be strong. Be positive. If it turns out that your are pregnant, I would interview OB/Gyns because finding the right one will be important. Good luck to you!
R.

OMG get a new OB practice! Look for midwife groups-they are as a rule very accepting about larger women etc. As for people's comments, don't worry about it-- develop a tough skin and remember you can't let someone hurt you or your feelings. If you are comfortable with where you are, it doesn't matter what THEY think. Best wishes on a happy healthy pregnancy!

M

I don't think that you should be having a problem because of your age. My sister had her second daughter when she was 37 and she got comments not because of her age but because she already had a daughter who was 15 at the time. Everyone would say "you are crazy for starting all over again" I think its ridiculous.
And I always wonder why "celebraties" who are over 40 get pregnant its considered hip and cool and when us "regular" people do it it's a big issue. Is it because they are rich and the rest of us are not? I think it's mostly an issue of class. I could be wrong but that's how it feels.
Also, as to your weight, all you have to do is eat healthy during your pregancy and after. Make sure you get plenty of fruits, vegatables and whole grains.

First of all, if you are pregnant, congrats!
But you sound like you have a lot on your plate as far as stress goes...
Take the time to care for you, you deserve it and if preg., so does your baby. I actually experianced much of the opposite problem, Im a younger mother (20's), and my daughter was a breech baby.There are many women waiting till they"re in their 40's even 50's to have children. There are many postives, finacial stability, maturity, owning a home etc..

It does seem no matter who you are, when your pregnant everyone thinks your fair game for advice, criticism (and don't forget strangers wanting to touch your belly!) and no matter your age or weight or even ethnicity, there can be risks and complictations, (ty-sach, strep b and many others) Don't let that get in your way.

It sounds like you do need a new obgyn. My SIL and I had children the same time.She is close to my age but a larger girl (started out at size 18) and had many of the problems you listed,HpB, she also had a low blood count, ending up having an emergency c-section but both both her and baby are doing just fine. And you will be too.

We beat many of the steriotypes, my husband and I have been married 4 years this comming summer, steady jobs and income. My sister in law went threw all kinds of horrible criticsm with her dr. about not gaining too much then not gaining enough.. an old saying i've found true, mother knows best! Take care of you and yours, and Don't let anyone stand in your way.

Good luck and god bless : )

I agree with Karen L. Dr. Yu is wonderful.

Because of your weight and age I would urge you to use a real doctor for the delivery. And I would switch doctors for sure...I am a big believer in doctors addressing weight with patients-I feel its as important as smoking cessation really. But there is a way to do it with tact that will not sound judgmental and mean.

And maybe with your MIL and anyone else that gave you a hard time before-just nip it in the bud. Say- I know that you are worried and don't approve of this however this is not reversible and if you don't think I am a little scared myself you would be wrong. So please can we not discuss it any more because it upsets me.

LAstly-good for you for wanting to lose the weight. Biggest thing you can do for yourself is to severely limit sugar. Also white carbs. And all carbs should be looked at as side dishes-never full portions. A big plate of pasta is not your friend if you are trying to lose weight. Even if it falls in your points.

You are an adult. If you did not want to be on birth control that was your choice.
If you want to try to stay on your special diet, that is your choice.
If you want new doctors start early and go looking for a good match.

You do not have to answer to anyone.
When they give you "advice", you can answer with "Thank You", "That is something to think about that"," Hmm, never thought about that", "Thank you for your support". You do not have to follow their advice or even remember their advice.

Since you have an idea of what to expect, once you confirm you are pregnant, make a pregnancy plan. Share it with your husband.

You can also give others a heads up, that you are not up for any suggestions or other peoples worries. You appreciate it, but you "would prefer to not have to deal with anything but" your "own pregnancy".

Ask for the help that you want. I hope that the people in your life are just concerned about you. Try not to take it as judgement or that they think you do not make good choices. I am sure they do not intend it to be taken that way. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

I would look for a birthing center rather than a new OBGYN, they tend to be less judgmental. I too am a big girl, and was when I had my kids. If anyone says anything about it to you again, tell them to shove off! Do people think that being big makes us stupid? (like we do not know to "eat less and move more" if we want to slim down!) or that being big means we have no feelings? I get so pissed when I hear about things like that! so sorry if I went off on a rant a little.

41, really? I can't believe that you are getting flack for that! So many of us are waiting for marriage and kids these days. I have a friend that had her first at 46 and her second at 49. She had comments from family, but she knew what she wanted and did it anyway. She is one I want to hate though because she snapped back and was just "perfect"! Ugh! Anyway, don't not have children because of the ignorance, hatefullness or reaction you may get from others. Tell your family to mind their own business, tell your doctor that if they aren't willing to treat you, you will find a doctor that will. A size 18 really isn't that far out of "normal" anyway. Let your "friends" know that you are only looking to surround yourself with those that are there to support you in this. I don't think that any of your issues can be directly related to your weight. I know many women that are sick around the clock, and end up with BP issues. You might be more susceptible, but every pregnancy is different, and this one may go smoothly. I hope so - good luck!

Haven't had time to read your responses thus far but will tell you I had my first child at 36, my second and 40 and who knows when/if we'll have the next one. I can tell you this, I have an autoimmune disorder that causes my blood to clot. I take medication daily to thin my blood. When trying to conceive and during pregnancy I am required to inject blood thinners into my belly because the pill form causes fetal death. I too am a big girl and frankly you can't get more high risk than me with a pregnancy...lol. I have an entire team of OB's and perinatologists from my local hospital as well as Advanced Fetal Care Center at Univ of MD and Johns Hopkin's hospitals. I am required to do weekly sono's to make sure no clots are forming in the baby or cord. I also have to do 3 NST's weekly for the entire duration of the pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes with my second pregnancy as well as complications which caused my blood pressure to rise. Our team knows we may want to expand our family and they know my age. None of them have ever said 40 is too old. 40 is the new 30...lol. Of course the risk rises with age, so if you were considering adding to your family sooner is probably better than later. The best piece of advice I could give you is find a new OB office immediately. I find some of the comments made to you completely unprofessionally. They are right to be concerned about the blood pressure, it is a serious risk. However, my suggestion would be to consult a nutrionalist for proper dietary control of the blood pressure. I also know that my DR's were very adament about keeping a low stress level and keeping myself hydrated at all times. As for the negative nellies in your life..remind them of just that...it's your life and you and your husband's decision to expand your family. If they can not be supportive then they need to just keep their mouth shut. Good Luck and God Bless.

I had my first (and only) at 39. Normal pg. No issues at all.
I think only YOU can adjust your own mindset to find happiness with your pregnancy.
I think it's terrific! Not sure, exactly, what your "question" was....but....GOOD LUCK!

Your question took me by surprise because I simply don't think you're "old enough" to have an age complex about being pregnant. I personally know a lot of women who decided to start their families in their late 30's and early-mid 40's. I was 39 when I had my son. I just turned 44 and people still ask me all the time if I'm going to have more kids-- it's just not that uncommon to have kids in your 40's now. My advise would be to ignore the people who are judgemental and not to let their "issues" become your issues. It sounds like you already know what to do to be healthy so you are already on your way to having another healthy baby-- congratulations!!

I know I'm just echoing some of the other answers, but don't let other peoples' judgmental opinions get you down! I am 39 right now and ttc and I can't tell you how many friends I have who are around my age and either ttc, pregnant or have young children. There's all this fuss about "older mothers" these days but I think there have always been older mothers. My grandma had my aunt when she was 42 - the difference there was that my aunt was her seventh, not her first or second. And at least in the rural farm area where she lived, that kind of thing was quite common.

Also, contrary to what some say, "advanced maternal age" (I hate that phrase anyway) does NOT make you automatically high risk. The older you are when you conceive, the more chance there is of other underlying health issues such as diabetes or high blood pressure. It is these other factors that can make you high risk.

It sounds like if you have an interest in homebirth, you may be more interested in looking for a midwifery group that practices in a hospital setting. They will be affiliated with ob/gyns as well, so that if anything happens to take your pregnancy out of their scope of practice, they could refer you. I have heard great things about the midwives in Oak Park - i think they are at West Suburban Hospital. Most midwives will give you a free consultation interview so you can see if you're comfortable with them and their style of practice.

Best wishes!

If you are willing to accepts the risks associated, then I would try to ignore everyone else. You know there will be risks - potentially life threatening ones - but if you can deal with that then I would just remind everyone else that a baby us a blessing and you know you can provide the love the child needs. I think having a baby can be risky regardless of age... it is still a personal decision.

Good luck.

40 is just the level of risk you have to be aware of and what can potentially happen as you age.

If you are comfortable with those risks, and your husband seem optimistic, you should take control of your own life and do what is best for you. The doctor is concerned about liability having to deliver under the circumstances, so don't blame him so much for highlighting the obvious.

Remain positive, 40 is the new 20. I had mine late, was aware of the risks, but I personally didn't want to have them over 40 ONLY because I wanted to quit so I could enjoy them while I had energy.

It is your choice, but do what is best for you and your baby - If you must lose weight do so and reduce your risk.

Well, I can't tell you how to deal with the judgements, but I do have 2 friends that are much bigger than you - over 300 lbs and 39/40 yrs old and they both got pregnant on purpose. They each had healthy pregnancies and had supportive doctors. One had a natural birth and the other ended up with a C after 24 hrs of pit (we believe the due date was really off, but she was already over 1 week due and the baby was almost 10 lbs!). Anyways, they did fine and are still fine. Their girls are 6 and 4 1/2 now. I went with the practice of one of them and I would highly recommend it. There is no judging there. If they say something, they really do mean it for the health of you and the baby, but in general, I don't think they say anything. They even told me that they expected me to gain 35 lbs with my pregnancy and I was a size 16. I didn't gain that much, but I was healthy and we were all happy. The practice is the midwives at West Suburban Women's Health in Willowbrook. They deliver at Hinsdale and they are amazing! Just a great place to go all around.

H.