Oh the Drama of Friends

It seems like it would be easy to you because you are not the one living it. If you were really a good friend you would be supportive when she is doing well, but never ever shame her when she is struggling, which is exactly what you did. You even called into question her worth as a mother, tying it directly to her weight, so I can definitely see why she would say you were not being a good friend to her.

She should be so lucky to have at least 1 friend care enough about her to not lie to her.

ETA: I do agree with Rosebud that the venue of her Facebook wall probably isn't the best place to make the comment. You could have PM'd her or called her, but what's done is done. I'd apologize for the delivery method, not for the message.

Sometimes the blunt absolute truth is not the kindest thing to do.
Change is hard.
They already KNOW they are digging their graves with a knife and fork.
Stating the obvious - even if you have a gift for it - lacks tact.

They are not alone.
Plenty of people are in the same boat with them.
And don't even get me started on the number of funerals I've been to for family, friends and co-workers who smoked themselves to death.

Being blunt - just doesn't help to solve the problem.
They have a food addiction.
Food like that must be 'to die for' and that's probably exactly what they'll do.
They have got to WANT to do something about it.
No amount of brow beating or public embarrassment will wake them up.
A funeral might - or might not.
You just have to let this go.
Step back from it and give her some space.

yes, i do.
and yes, i understand.
it's very hard to be in this position. i am no featherweight myself, and do a lot of whining about it. and i know exactly why i'm overweight and what i need to do. i have to watch the whining, because when i do, i get advice that i don't want to take. i guess i'm just not there yet.
i get that you care for this friend, and i really REALLY get how frustrating it is. despite my own struggles, i get exasperated to the nth degree with some beloved family members whose weight issues are far, far worse than mine and who do NOTHING to combat it except complain. it's been hard to realize that the only difference between us is degree. because there have been times i've taken them to grocery store and helped them carry in the bags and bags of soda and chips and cookies and frozen breakfast sandwiches and donuts and wanted to smash them on the ground and shriek' HEEEEEELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!'
so there are two issues here- first, you did this publicly. as you say, you were pissed, and acting from a place of anger and judgment, not love and concern. i'm not saying you don't love her and aren't concerned about her, but your very public calling out of her was not gentle or kind. secondly, she didn't ask for advice in this instance. if and when she does, then kindly sharing your concerns and ideas has been invited. if she's just rejoicing in her meal, she's NOT asking for your opinion. unsolicited opinions almost universally are not well received.
i'm a bear about honesty. but honesty doesn't mean you have to open your mouth (or fingers) and let every thought out.
it's probably best to back away from this friendship unless and until the positive qualities of this person outweigh (heh) the negatives, which seem to be all you can see right now.
khairete
S.

The truth hurts sometimes. You were honest. Unlike other people. She didn't like it and neither did anyone else. Oh well. That's the breaks. And if you respond, I would tell her "I am more of a friend than anyone who encouraged you today. You asked for help. You then ignored it and the meetings that were set up for you. You have a son that needs you. If you continue on this path, your son will NOT have you around. You will miss graduation, wedding and children....I realize this is a hard change. It will NOT be an easy change, but I am HERE FOR YOU...I will walk around the block with you...I will help you with meal planning...." Don't say anything that you are NOT willing to do....but you get the message...

Unfortunately, food is like any other addiction....they can't change nor get help unless they want to change or get help.

You could tell her the food was great! It might have been...We live in a "PC" world...she's NOT ready for the truth. She is NOT ready to get healthy.
Food is her comfort.
Food hides her pain.
Food doesn't lie to her.
Food doesn't judge her.
Food doesn't tell her she's fat.
Food doesn't tell her she's going to an early grave.

She's NOT ready to change. She will whine about how unfair life is until she finally hits rock bottom and even then it just might be too late....

She asked for help because that was her "whine"....she's not ready for help.

Studies have shown that eating triggers the same brain receptors as do drugs and alcohol. Overeating is an addiction. When addicts go through recovery, one of the key steps to staying clean is staying away from the substance they are addicted to. Every addict will tell you that just one relapse can send them back into deep addiction. The problem with food addiction is that we can't just stop eating. You may think you were trying to help, but your words were hurtful and unkind. If you really want to help, try going to a few over-eaters anonymous meetings and try to see the addiction from her point of view. They may also help you to help her in a constructive way that won't make her feel bad about herself. Shaming people never ever solves problems.

Let me be blunt. Yes, it was mean.
You could have done far better to ignore it completely, or sent her something in private or contacted her over the phone or something in private. HOWEVER, I find myself often conflicted over just such posts. Not necessarily about food... but where friends post something that is opposite of their stated goals, and seem proud of their eating/buying/doing whatever it is they have posted.

MOST of the time, I skip it and let it go. But every once in a while, I don't catch myself in time and say something cutting, like you did. It isn't the right thing to do... but I am guilty of having done such things. I think if we are honest, we all have done this in one way or another--perhaps not on FB, but maybe in person in front of other people, or other settings when we are appalled and can't stop our mouths fast enough.

And I feel bad about it. I do. But I also have that slight side feeling that you know, they needed to hear the truth from someone. They needed the light to shine on what they are actually doing.

It IS mean. Yes.
But sometimes tough love is just that... tough.
Personally, yes, I would be furious if I were her friend and saw her reveling and bragging about such consumption after her recent health scares and promises that she is changing her life, their lives, for the sake of her family/son.

I understand where you are coming from.

But yeah.... mean.

If you haven't, you should apologize to her, and if she is willing (and in a place where she is able to listen?) explain why you reacted that way. How much you care that she take better care of her body and want to help.
She likely isn't ready to face your explanation... she isn't ready to change or admit how serious it is for her to need to change. She feels unempowered.......trapped. And choosing to eat whatever she wants is a way to control that feeling, and to feel EMpowered. She's shooting herself in the foot and can't see it. She may never see it or accept it.
So be prepared to just apologize for now. She didn't deserve being chastised in "public"... so apologize for that. Maybe ask her what you can do to help her get back on track to the life changes she was talking about making. If she's changed her mind about making them, there is nothing you can do and nothing more for you to say on that subject.
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I must also admit, that had I let it get past my lips before catching myself, I probably wouldn't have said, "that her son should be the reason she makes better choices to be around to watch him grow up." I would have been more apt to have said, "Oh, is that what the nutritionist recommended for you?" But, I can be a not very nice person sometimes.
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Sorry to add again, but... the posts I tend to see that fit a similar "type" are where the person is complaining of being broke all the time. How unfair that their parents don't help them more. That they can't let their teen do this or that b/c they can't afford it and no one will help. (that sort of stuff). And then the next day they are posting pics of their latest manicure results. Or venting about the line where they were getting their DAILY carry-out coffee and breakfast on the way to work, instead of having made it at home. Or buying pets that they can't afford vet visits for, and why does it cost so much to get their shots, anyway?? And then asking around for handouts to secure them at home b/c they can't afford to buy anything.

Hello?? Where do YOUR choices come into play in all this? It isn't the world's fault that you did x, y, z, and can't afford what you have taken on. Oh... you quit another job b/c you lost your temper--again, and screamed at your boss? And now you can't afford to pay the fee for your kid to join the rec league soccer team. Boo hoo. Poor kid... that's who I feel sorry for. And it infuriates me that these people will play the victim while not changing the behavior that puts them in their situations.

You know it was mean, but also true. Sooooo now that you went there, use this as an opportunity to talk to her about how much you care about her and her health. Don't expect much though. Her husbands week long hospitalization didn't wake her up, not sure you will.

Here's the thing with what you did on Facebook: it didn't come out of love for your friend, it came out of your disgust with her and the people who were responding to her post. She knew it, and so did they. Because it didn't not come out of love, but disgust, it was mean. It was said with the intent to shame her AND the people responding to her, regardless of whether you were thinking of weight, diabetes, or whatever other complications are in your friend's future.

IF you are interested in patching things up with her, forget about responding on Facebook, and go see her at home. At the least, you owe her an apology for attempting to humiliate her online. Remember, Facebook friends often include family members including children, spouses, and parents; co-workers; old and current friends; and other acquaintances. (In other words, people from all facets of her life were brought into her personal struggle because of your reaction.) But as you apologize, you will also have the opportunity to look her in the eyes and express your love, friendship, support, fear for her sake and her family's, and let her know why the disgust was there in the first place. That kind of face-to-face discussion would have greater impact on your friend than snarky online messages ever will. And when you touch someone like that, you can help inspire them to change instead of causing them to dig in their heels resentfully.

If she didn't want people to comment then she shouldn't have posted the picture!

That being said I probably wouldn't have said anything. She sounds like she has a food addiction (ugh). Addicts aren't very nice when you threaten or question their supply.

I guess my question would have been: do you think you could have done this better?

I mean, by posting that on Facebook-- it's not like this forum. There is no anonymity. Everyone who saw your post *knows* Friend, knows that she is overweight and likely feels that you flat out fat-shamed her.

Sometimes, you have to decide to either wait until you can have that person to person conversation in private-- which you should have, if you were genuinely feeling concerned about her health and her WHOLE well-being-- or if you should just keep your mouth shut. Think about it, she's not JUST a fat person, she is a person, period. I think you might have gotten a slight taste of how it feels-- you got blasted by her friends, and rightfully so.

Listen, I do have friends that are big, and who probably should be doing better in certain ways. That said, it's NOT my business to tell them their business. If I have a serious concern to address (and really, that would be about processing MY feelings, which I should really do elsewhere, and not on them), I would do it with discretion because they are better able to listen to me if I am coming from a place of love and care than a place of "your priorities suck". If I feel I have the RIGHT to tell a friend their business, I had sure as heck better be behaving like I care about them and their feelings. I have to be 100% invested in that person if I'm going to humiliate them like that, because those talks can be very humiliating for people.

Personally, this is a part of social media that I find absolutely appalling-- that people need to do things like post pictures of their every. little. thing. the do. That said, if I didn't feel anything positive about a friend's picture, there is that option of quietly moving on.

ETA: by not expressing my concern for my friends' health, it doesn't mean that I am not a good friend. I accept them for who they are; some of them have struggled with this for a long time. My saying anything about this in particular isn't going to change what they do or don't do. Sometimes, being a good friend is just about accepting people where they are at, knowing that they struggle, and just being there *when* they ask for help.

I think yours was a better response than what I've been getting on fb to my gestational diabetes. I've been working really hard on my diet so that the baby will be healthy and I get family members posting pics to my wall of the cake they're "eating for me" or the coke they were drinking and thinking of me. Seriously not helping! At least you care about your friend's health.

I would have suggested they move from figuratively digging their own grave to literally. Win win, easier to visualize and the exertion would be sure to burn a few calories.

I had a FB friend who is morbidly obese, her daughters are under ten and I am pretty sure weigh more than some adults, husband, no better. She complained constantly about her weight. I suggested baby steps, walk a block after work. I was told exercise made you gain weight.

Apparently I didn't realize she lived in an alternate universe!

She then posts that the weight she gained back caused what she said was a serious heart condition to come back. In desperation to get through to her I asked, do you want your daughters to come home and find you dead!!

She blocked me.

Thing is I would do it all again. At least when she dies I won't have the guilt of not trying hard enough, I tried until I no longer could.

We you mean, no, harsh, probably, coming from a place of concern, definitely!
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Ya know looking at some of the other answers, I get that the go to the food is hard to break. But suggesting just move a little, then maybe a little more, then a little more.... When people balk on everything it isn't a food addiction, it is I am too lazy to do anything. I can't restrict my eating, I love food way too much but if my weight gets up there I move more so I get the food "addiction". There are two sides of the equation if you can't deal with one side deal with the other. If you ignore both you are making excuses.

Unless y'all have heard of food addicted people with a couch addiction as well?

I appreciate your concern for your friend & her family. I think deep down, she does too... But social media can make it very hard to express your concern, due to a number of factors.

First of all, only your words are present for her to read. And words can be said a number of different ways. If she is not able to hear your voice, & see the expression on your face, to understand the concern you have, it may instead read to her as "snarky" or something similar.

Secondly, your comments are well intentioned, but they were put out publicly for all to see. This can be embarassing to her, and it also gives everyone the "courage" to band together against you for daring to say what many of them are probably thinking themselves.

Thirdly, in the context of Facebook - many people post things to either celebrate with their friends, or garner commiseration from them. Her lunch sounds like the first - "Hey check it out! It was delicious!" Your comment poo-poos that celebration with a dose of reality, which can be hard to confront.

My advice would be to get together with her in person, or call her on the phone, & apologize for the circumstances. Something to the effect of "Suzy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for posting such a sensitive & personal comment publicly on your Facebook photo. I should have taken the time to talk to you about it privately. I didn't mean to embarass you"

Notice in this apology, you are NOT apologizing for WHAT you said. Hopefully, by being humble with her, & expressing your sincere apology for hurting her feelings, it will also allow you an opportunity to address what your true concerns are, & perhaps offer to help her make better choices. (Just remember, they are still her choices to make. It can be SO hard to be the friend on the sideline, unable to help someone who needs it but is unwilling/unable to accept it)

The description you gave of your friend & family made me think we had a mutual friend, except that we don't live near each other. I hope she is able to accept that she needs help & is willing to accept your friendship & support. T.

Nope! I think you were the only one brave enough to show care and love.

Yes, I think you were mean.
You can go to her house, have a sit down conversation with her about how much you love her (if you do) and her family. How you are worried about her health and that of her child. How you hope that there is something that you can do to make things better/easier for her.
BUT.......
as someone who is morbidly obese and have been fighting it as long as I can remember (losing weight, gaining weight, yo yo diets, in the gym, swimming, out of the gym) I would be truly hurt if someone came to me to talk with me about my weight. I am FULLY aware of my weight issues,thankyouverymuch. The only person that gets to talk with me about my weight is my very best friend who has been fighting this same battle so she understands just how hard it is and she isn't JUDGING me when I fall off the bandwagon.
What you said wasn't helpful, it was angry. YOu weren't trying to help you were trying to shame.
Shaming someone is NEVER going to make it better.
L.

I think it was mean in that you called her out in a very public way. She's probably very embarrassed. You could've PM'd her and told her that privately. She knows she's fat and she doesn't need a public shaming. It likely did nothing but make her feel bad and go have a snack to feel better. I'm sure you meant well, but it would've been more appropriate to tell her that in private.

Added: shaming= to make one feel ashamed. It does not have to be by name calling.

D.,

I think the problem is that she was not asking for your help or opinion. It would be one thing if she asked you for your honest feedback about what she was eating or what she can do to be more healthy. In that case, you could certainly gently say, "I care about you and your family and your health. I am concerned that even with your husband's health scare, you are not taking the options offered to you, and it makes me sad because I want you to live a long, healthy life!"
Or if she were venting about life being unfair, I do think it would be ok to point out that until she makes real changes, like visiting the nutritionist, life will likely continue on this path.
But, the facebook post was neither the place or the time, and I do think you came across as mean. If you care about her, I would apologize. A public forum is just not the right place for a comment like that, I think. A face-to-face meeting, and in a gently manner, is really the only way you can give "constructive criticism" like that.

A good friend would NOT have criticized her choices on facebook. So, while you have every right to your opinion on her health, you don't have to shout your disapproval in a public forum. Did you want to shame her? And it doesn't matter that you didn't mention her weight. You still are judging.

I get that you're sick of her blaming everyone but herself for the choices she makes, but that was a discussion that should have been private.

I don't think you were mean. You used poor judgement.

Yes, you were mean even though you were correct in what you said. Do you think that they are unaware that they are morbidly obese? I am sure they are painfully aware of their size.

I am not sure that I would be able to listen to them whine. I would have to keep turning it around and asking them what they are doing to change the situation.

As others have said though, Facebook was really not the right forum to blast her...

Unless they truly want to change, they won't.....

Nothing you say will make any difference.

I would just avoid trying to convince her otherwise.

I honestly think all the other posters on her fb are in the wrong. What you said wasn't "shaming". You didn't call her names or anything. You pointed out the truth, the oh-so-obvious truth that everyone else she knows is ignoring. What will they all say if her and/or her husband die? Or if the child develops a medical issue? Enabling someone's awful choices does not make you a good friend.

I guess it's mean; I don't know that it really matters what you label it. The fact is that she and her husband are addicts, and although you are correct, you probably shouldn't post such comments on FB.

It's extremely unlikely that she will take the wisdom of your comment to heart, and be able to beat her addiction. I just heard a stat on people who are morbidly obese, that only a very small percentage of them, something less than 10%, are ever able to change.

The whining and complaining would be very annoying to me, so I probably would not be able to maintain a friendship with such people. But I doubt I would publicly call them out, either.

Truth hurts and sometimes that's what it takes . I would respond to her and say that u love her too much to not say anything .

I think this has to be approached like a non-drinker would approach an alcoholic... which is to say, until the food addict (as in this case) is ready to truly deal with the problem, then nothing you say, much less anyone else will amount to much.... A food addict is no less addicted to food than an alcohol is addicted to booze.. it's just a different substance.. I think if you continue to be friends with her, you'll have to take a step back and hold your tongue... Until your friend is ready to make some solid changes, as long as you continue to voice your feelings, the person will try and make you think YOU are the one with the problems, as will her co-dependent, enabling friends and family... where there are addicts, there are lots and lots of enablers... those who lashed out at you, may not only be enabling her, but may have issues of their own with food and when you point out your friend's issues, in essence, you are pointing at theirs..

addiction runs in my family from alcohol, nicotine to food... I go to OA and I also attend Al-anon... even today, when I tried to reach out to my biological sister and mentioned that FB was not a good way in which to try and develop relationships, I mean how many "likes" and comments can you make ... She just kinda blew me off.. when I told my husband that I thought by now, some things might have changed.. his comment to me.. you're exhibiting addict/enabling behavior.. I said how? he said because you expect a person who isn't doing any work to change, not to mention, your outlook is still the same in that you think she should change, the real question is.... why haven't you... so you see.... while there are issues with my sister, the real issue and the only one I can fix is the one with me... hence, I am going to an Al-non meeting tomorrow morning...
in your case.. you ll have to either take a step back so as not to enable your friend (you can still love her from afar) OR... maybe get into a co-dependent 12 step yourself.. that is.. If you think you may have enabling tendencies... remember, your friend may not change.. but doesn't mean you can't.. or this is harsh, but if her behavior truly pisses you off and you can't bear it.. it may be time to end the friendship...
I'd give it some thought.. but just know that you, much less anyone else trying to talk an addict out of their addiction never works... if it did, do you know how many people would be sober..... or even alive..
the addict must do it.... however, they must first admit there is a problem and then be willing to do something about it..

I think you were right in what you were thinking, but your comments were doomed to fail. You've pointed out, rightly, that these folks are in the "blame game" and the "poor poor pitiful me" phase. I think, as hard as it is, you have to let it go. You don't have to comment on her photos (and if she asks, you can say you didn't think a comment was required (or even that you missed it). Let it go.

Look, I totally sympathize with you and I know that you are worried about them and their son. I work in food science, and I can tell you that 99% of the time, people comment about their poor health or their poor finances within about 5 minutes of any conversation. I spent a lot of time in the beginning "wanting it more for them than they want it for themselves" - I jumped in to be helpful and supportive, when all some people want to do is complain. Sometimes they just feel overwhelmed and powerless, sometimes they blame it on "bad genetics" (when science has shown that it's really based on poor epigenetics which means it can be changed/reversed), sometimes they're in complete denial.

You didn't say anything about her weight, but focused more on the diabetes. Fine. But it's all part and parcel of the same thing. She does not want you to be right. She does not want to take responsibility. She does not want you to tell her how to be a better parent (by getting her child to focus on better choices or whatever). I think the fact that the comments were public on Facebook may have made a difference. But we certainly see that attitude even here on an anonymous site like Mamapedia - a lot of people post because they want us to agree with them, and they get ticked off if we don't.

So here's what I do: the first time they complain or express worry, I say, "I am involved in something you really should take a look at. There are plenty of others with similar issues who will help you." The second time they complain, I say, "Remember that I have something that will help." The third time, I find a nice way to say "I'm not sure why you are telling me this, because you haven't responded to anything I've said before. I cannot help you if you are not open." Then I change the subject or I walk away (with a nonchalant smile) to take a (fake) phone call.

Sometimes people just don't want your help. You have to accept that about them. You don't have to enable the behavior by commenting on how delicious this lunch-for-three looked. You don't have to answer her comments about being a bad friend. You don't have to say anything.

If she asks, you can say you are sorry you posted publicly about something she didn't want to hear. And everyone else saying "oh that's awesome" was definitely a form of enabling her - which is why she posted to begin with, to get permission to continue. So you don't have to enable, but you can't expect to change the others any more than you can change her or her husband.

Now, are they going to die young? Yes. Are your insurance rates higher because people like them engage in highly risky behaviors? Yes. Are your insurance rates higher because people who don't have preventive care wind up using the ER for every sore throat? Yes. Are you going to solve this on Facebook or in your regular life? No. All you can do is draw a line in the sand and, IF ASKED, say, "I won't help you die." But that's going to tick her off too. All you can control is your own behavior - so that means not having big all-you-can-eat BBQs or the like. But you can't give her the idea that you think it's okay for others to have big lunches but not her - I'm sure you don't think that, but it's often how sick people respond to "deprivation."

If she's a real friend, she will miss your contact and come talk to you about it. If she's not, then you haven't lost as much as you think you have. You should surround yourself with people who want to get healthy, join the walking club, share healthy recipes, and so on. The hardest thing I've ever done is watch people I care about decline in health when something very simple could be done that actually requires not so much willpower. I've decided to focus my energies on people who are OPEN to my expertise and not keep trying to sell it to someone who's just not buying.

Facebook was probably not the best place to let her know your concerns. But I understand what you feel. I also get so angry sometimes with my MIL, who has all kinds of health problems due to her morbid obesity and terrible food choices. I think she wants sympathy for her condition sometimes. I don't know.
She is going through procedures now for lap band surgery. She is on a very strict diet to prepare for this. Yet she comes over to the house today and proceeds to tell me about how she has cheated on her diet and ate some biscuits (which is NOT on the list) and jelly (definitely NOT on the list). Then she laughed. My husband and I sat her down for a serious talk. She felt bad about it, but just thought it was no big deal- she deserves to splurge from time to time. She just doesn't get it and I'm sure this isn't her only cheat. We explained that this just starts her justification process and then it's a downward spiral. There's really nothing else we can do. We've put it out there now and hopefully she will get on board. Otherwise, her surgery will be a fail.
Maybe your friend will take note, maybe not. You've made your peace. Leave it at that. At the very least, she may reconsider posting her food on facebook (which is a whole other pet peeve of mine-lol).

Amy_RB has hit the nail on the head. I hope you'll consider following her advice. Remember, a person who has such a deep and detrimental emotional connection to food needs more help than a public shaming. She may need some serious counseling just to be able to get to the point of starting to make changes. Making the kind of lifestyle changes that will be required for her to lose weight goes beyond food choice; she'll be dealing with a lot of emotional issues. Talk to her in person. Ask what she wants from you in terms of help and support. Try not to judge, and if you cannot cope with being her friend if she's not doing what you 'suggest', then you should distance yourself.

Hi D.,

In a way I can relate to what you posted on FB.

My older sister is a type I diabetic Dx @ age 13. My parents did not know how to help her adjust to this and it was kind of like something we didn't talk about.

This did not sit well with me, and me being the black sheep of the family decided to do the opposite. I started to micro manage her. Always checking what she ate, what was her blooded sugar, etc.

I would be so upset is she ate candy or sweets because I was so afraid I was going to lose her, especially after witnessing her go into diabetic shock. I was 10 when I witness this, and it just made me manage her harder.

So one day I went through her bedroom drawers and found bags of candy. I was so angry and so "mean" I scattered the candy all over her room for my parents to see so that everyone would open their eyes and see that she was killing herself. Instead she got made at me, parents got made at me, and my snooping became the focus instead of her diabetes care. Sigh.

When I took responsibility for her diabetes, she did not. Like the other person said... I was her enabler. I had to let go and accept that she is on her own journey to care for herself. I will support her when she supports herself.

You know what? 30 years later she is still not caring for herself :-(. Instead she married a man who enables her. Even with a daughter, she still doesn't manage her diabetes to be around for her daughter.

Infact she told me she "totalled" her car a month ago. She "doesn't know how this happened" and is wondering if her blood sugar was low. This is not the first car incident that has happened when her blood sugar was low.

But she is repeating the behavior over and over, and expecting different results. It is insane thinking and until SHE wants to change this it will continue.
I had to learn to just let it go.

I do not understand that type of irresponsibility, and you can bet if I were to witness it, I would contact the police.

I hope this helps :-).

You were very emotional when you remarked on her facebook and had a kneejerk reaction. You didn't actually say anything that was helpful. Instead of what you said, you could have really done some research and written something that explained why what she was showing wouldn't help. THEN people might have fallen silent.

On facebook, most people just ignore what they disagree with, and "like" or say something positive regarding what they do agree with.

Nothing is going to work for these people until they really understand what morbidly obese means. Not everyone can turn it around. You're not being a bad friend. But you have to understand what is real with these people, and they obviously aren't going to do what you are hoping for. It's a shame...

I suppose you were mean. BUT you are tired of her having health issues, although, even thin people have diabetes and it's not just because she's overweight. It's likely she'd still be diabetic due to her genetic make up. It's a medical disease.

Weight does effect it in some cases and it's always better to eat as healthy as possible.

Could you simply not allow her posts on your wall and be done with that? If you want to see what she's posting you go to her wall and see. That is often the better choice when their content bothers you.

You were truthful, but the truth is pointless in this scenario. The mean part comes in because you made a public statement instead of a private message.

The fact is, things are highly unlikely to change. The only way you're going to survive it is to not be emotionally involved. It is great that people tried to help, but sometimes people do the same thing over and over and will never change. You have to be able to recognize that type so you don't get personal feelings about it.

No, I don't. I think you were trying to be a real FRIEND. I would respond back with "I'd rather you be alive and hate me, than die loving me."

I have about 10 FB pals. The reason I cut them out is because I could not stand the posts that were overt lies, pictures of dinner plates from obese people, and outright bragging.

So, like you, there are still obese friends among my 10 FB pals. And yes, they post pics of food! I want to scream, "Why?"

I never like the dinner posts, but neither do I confront them on it.

She may not change her diet, but I bet you she never posts another dinner pic.

Well the truth hurts. I agree with you. Its scary for you to see your friend not making good chooses.

No I think u were being a true friend unlike those other phonies. I'm like u I care more about helping someone than being popular but I usually get hurt for it. Unfortunetly friends like us r not wanted by most people today people just want someone to tell them everything their doing is good no matter what or they just ignore our advice. We live in a heathenistic society so nobody wants party poppers like us to spoil their fun. If someone cares they should say something if not they don't really care.

bottom line, they are digging their graves one spoonful at a time,you cant help someone who wont help themselves..she was anticipating you being the voice of reason, which is why she posted her pigout to you to begin with, just so she could sit back and play the helpless victim while her "friends" verbally attacked you, next time, hit the delete button, and then block her, if her "friends" then contact you, trying to get you to respond ,block them as well..life is short enough as it is, without dealing with other peoples made up drama. K. h.

I don't think you were mean but you can't care for her more than she cares for herself. It is hard watching someone you care about poison themselves and destroy their lives.

Her problem isn't just the food but the mind behind the eating. Her eating is also probably emotional too. She is addicted to food but we all need food to live. Most people are able to hide their sins. This family is not.

I admire your willingness to apply some tough love. You really love your friend and sometimes you have to speak the truth in love and I think that is what you did.

My response to her private message would probably be something like this, "I'm sorry you feel as though I'm not a very good friend but I do care so much about your health and the health of your family. It breaks my heart to see you eating in a way that isn't good for your health or the health of your family. I'm here to encourage you for the better. I'm just sorry you can't see that."

I do think your friend needs to wake up and take better care of herself, but I also think that you were mean. When someone is addicted to food it can be very hard for them to change. It is like someone trying to quit smoking, but still being forced to go to smoke breaks with everyone at their job. See, most addictions you can remove yourself from the situation, which gives a better chance of quitting. Food, however, is necessary for life, and those who over-eat think of food differently than most other people. Your remark was insensitive to that.
I think you should apologize to her and let her know you are just worried for her, because you thought she was going to start making better food choices. Those conversations are ok to have, but not on her facebook wall or in public.

One thing you could do to really help your friendship is maybe tell her something you want to work on, and tell her that if she takes one step to her goal, you will take one step to yours. So while she's giving up any unhealthy desserts for say fresh fruit and yogurt instead, you will be doing something that is hard for you to do. At the end of each week talk about what you were able to do or not do. If she had chocolate cake once or twice tell her it's ok, but that you want her to get a perfect week soon. Then tell her where you may have messed up on your goal and how you're going to work on getting better and moving forward. This will give her a look at how perseverance and continued effort can help a person to get to a goal, even if the whole thing isn't immediately fixed. Also, you'll get to work on something you may have put off for a while yourself.

I think that this public post was not the place to address this, since it's not where she was going with her own caption of the picture. I might have written a simple, "Uh, who's eating THIS?" You probably should have inboxed her. "Have you decided against the healthy choices altogether, or are you just experiencing a moment of weakness?" Then, her reply could lead you to what to say next.

I, too, have difficulty biting my tongue while somebody goes directly against the advice that he/she has begged for. Depending on the relationship and my mood, I tend to back away and IGNORE. I ignore those posts. I ginore any subsequent request for my assistance. If I am asked directly why I am ignoring, I explain why at that time.

Sometimes I've had to just walk away and let people do their own choosing. It's hard when I feel like I know and could do the right thing if in those shoes, but...ultimately not my call. No more advice. No more shoulder to cry on. Flip that switch. Be social, and keep it moving.

ETA: Perfectly said, Amy_RB!