Offering Support During a Separation and Possible Divorce

You're kind to want to help.

You say you "found out" -- Did you find out from her? Or through the grapevine? If you know this for certain is for real, I would just say to her the next time you see her, "I heard that you and X are splitting and I only want to say, I'm sorry to hear it, and I would be glad to help out as needed -- maybe taking the kids somewhere with my kids if you need some time without them for a break or to get things done." And stop right there; you have acknowledged that you know, so don't pursue any questions etc., just the offer of help. I think she would love to hear that. She may say "No, no, it's OK, everything's under control" because she doesn't want to appear needy and needs to appear strong -- not just to others but to herself. So don't push at first.

But in a week or so, if you don't hear from her -- and it is very likely you won't; she is busy and confused and crushed -- get in touch and ask her to coffee, or have her and her kids over to play, or just invite her kids for a play date with yours. Or if you see her at an event, talk to her about her kids, not about herself or the divorce, but you can end with, hey, I'm around to help out if needed. Then make some specific offers so she doesn't say "Oh I'm not sure what help I need, etc."

This is a tough time for her and you may find she seems distant or even downright balky at offers of help, or she may indeed take you up on them right away. Be prepared for either but don't let any refusals on her part drive you away. My very dear friend went through a very sudden split she didn't see coming and it was tough for her to know which end was up or whether it was Tuesday or Friday in the first weeks. So bear with this new friend and stick around even if you don't hear from her for a while. Focusing on your children's common activities gives you a big opportunity just to see her, speak to her every time, and never, ever act pitying -- just open to helping.

You're doing the right thing and you're a good person.

Divorce is a horrible thing. And the worst part is, it's almost like a death, but nobody wants to say anything to you and some people even create more distance between you and themselves. People just don't know what to say. And I don't know about your friend, but I didn't know what to say either. It's embarrassing, devastating, confusing...... and then some.

I had two friends who especially touched my heart when I was going through it. One just rang my doorbell one morning and when I opened it she told me she had heard what happened, and she didn't want to pry or ask questions, but she just wanted to give me a hug..... and she did. It brings me to tears right now just thinking about it. After she hugged me, she told me to call her if I wanted to go for a walk or coffee or anything.

Another friend brought me a gift bag with a funny movie, a bottle of wine and some fuzzy socks. She put a sweet card with a note in it that just said she supported me, didn't want to ask questions, but wanted us to have lunch and just be normal. She called a couple months later and we went to lunch and she didn't ask me one thing about the divorce. She told me she just wanted us to laugh and talk. And if I wanted to talk I could. I didn't want to. I was sick of talking about it. Sick of explaining it. Sick of thinking about it.

Maybe you could drop by and give your neighbor a hug, or drop off a bag of sweets and a note. You might ask if you could share the information with anybody for her. I personally didn't want to tell people... I actually preferred that my friends told each other.

It's sweet that you want to help.

I love Leigh's advice.
Measured, thoughful and well-timed support is appreciated in any personal crisis.

Kim D and Janice W I think really got it. Just be there in case she wants to talk and invite her and her children out with you or just over to visit. She will truly have to learn how to do things again as a single woman/parent so it would be great if you were to invite her over for coffee or dessert and just offered some comraderie. She needs to learn that she can be alone and have a good time and coming to your house for a visit would be a great first start. Also, she and the kids need to stay busy this time of year so as not to have too much idle time to think. You're a good person for thinking of her and trying to help!

P.S. Remember, no talk about the divorce or other issues. Just comraderie!

S.:

This is happening in my neighborhood right now. I'm friends with the W. so we have tried to keep with our routine...we walk some mornings.

Since we are already friends I let her talk about it. He really screwed her over - left her with a mound of debt.....she was, unfortunately, oblivious to his doings..she trusted him and didn't really think twice about things. Now? She needs to vent and do this on her own.

We've been over to her house for dinner and she's been over to ours.

When I left my ex-husband - I was in Germany since almost every one of our friends thought my ex was an A$$ - I got soo much support - to moving out to my own place (friends helping me find one), to helping me move my stuff...to helping transition our daughter (aged 9) - they sat back and helped because it was hardest on her. At that point my ex and I were VERY angry at each other (doh!) and they kept us focused on her and not us...that was the clincher - focusing on our daughter instead of our anger at each other.

If you think you can become friends with her - GREAT!!! Get the kids together...let her vent...or redirect her when she is venting in front of the kids...

GOOD LUCK!

MY husband left us in October, so that first holiday Thanksgiving and Chrsitmas was very difficult. Looking back it truly helped that one of my daughter's friends Mom invited us over for burgers during the holidays.

The visit was the first outing for me and my kids without their father and established a new beginning. We never discussed the pending divorce or anything negative. She helped me remain upbeat and positive inspite of the curcumstances.

I will always be thankful Cindy, Jay and the rest of her family inlcuded us in their Christmas traditions that year. Somehow Cindy kept me busy with positive things to think about. Even though we lost touch since 1990 I always think about her and her family this time of year. I will always be grateful for their friendship.

I would just offer logistical support right now. My husband moved out very briefly last month (10 days) and one of my biggest worries, if he hadn't come back, was how I was going to be in two places at once so that the kids didn't have to suffer because I couldn't be at the hockey rink and karate, or work and school at the same time. If your kids already do activities together, tell her that you'll take over transportation to those, or ask if she needs some baby-sitting, or picking up the kids from an after-school program or things like that. Food to me is a more personal and coordinated effort, but maybe a gift certificate to a local take-out restaurant would be welcome for those nights when she has nothing left in the tank and just doesn't have the time or energy to cook dinner.

I agree with Leigh regarding the action you should take. I'd like to remind you that you never know the for-real dynamic of someone else's marriage, even people close to you. Don't jump on the blame train. You never know what role she played in her marriage going downhill, what kind of marriage they actually had. Just go in prepared to offer her support and encouragement.

You don't have to mention how much you know -- just say "It seems like you are going through a tough time right now and I would like to help out. Can I _________? (insert concrete suggestion of how you can help out -- because the blanket suggestion of help is nice, but people in that situation don't want to 1. impose on you with a request that they are not sure you are really offering and 2. Might not even be able to think through things to figure out where they could ask for help ) You could also ask "Do you need someone to talk to?" and then just be there to listen. When things were tough for me last year that was the most helpful thing -- not advice, not meals, just listening.
Divorce sucks, it's hard, hard, hard for everyone. Good luck to you, and to her.