Not Your Bio Father, When to Tell the Child?

He should know from the start, the sooner the better. I would have told him from birth if I knew. Lies fester and the longer they sit, the more damage they do when the truth is revealed.

I do wonder, does the mother want this child (you say she leaves him with you most of the time)? If not, could you adopt him? Does you Son want to still be a father to this child?

I would find a family counselor that can help walk you all through this and help the child deal with his feelings.

I was adopted, my dad is not my bio dad but he is my dad. Although you didn't go through a formal adoption your son is his father because that is in your heart.

What an awful situation. Poor baby boy.

I think that the whole "who is daddy" talk can wait for a few more years at least. And I think that it might be worth your time to talk with your grandson's mother about whether or not she wants custody. 12.5 days in a row is quite a lot. Perhaps she might consider signing custody over to you and your husband? She's not exactly a fit parent. If you make it seem like a favor to her, she might relent. Who knows?

He's not too young. When they're young is the best time to tell a child something like this, then it becomes not a big deal. It's been a while since I had a child as young as your grandson so maybe consult with someone (or take advice you get here) on exactly what to say.

But if I were you, I would have your son approach it in the context of how all families are different. He has no doubt asked why your son and his mom don't live together, right? When one of those questions comes up, that would be the appropriate time for your son to mention it along the lines of he and your grandson's mom were friends and that when he was born, your son loved him so much that he decided that he wanted to help his mommy raise him and be his daddy even though they lived in different houses. He can talk about how in some families, babies are born to and raised by their birth parents (he'll have to explain that a bit) and in other families, other people love the baby and become the baby's parent. He won't get it at first, but as long as it's out there, it will be his truth, something he has always known, and it will be something that he grows to understand over time. He'll of course want to make sure that the boy's mom is aware of this so that she's not caught off-guard and doesn't tell him something different.

My oldest son's father left before my son was born and he's just always known that he has a birth father out there who decided to move away. It was never a big deal because it's what he's grown up knowing.

Aww, man. You said that any and all advice is welcome, so I'll start with the past. You should have done test at the earliest possible time, to protect the interests of your son AND the girl and future baby. Until paternity is determined--especially if they are not in a long-term supposedly monogamous relationship--he should share no parental expense. Doing so not only takes his money but also, kinda, binds him legally. Things really never should have gone this far. This isn't just on the woman. You all helped to get you to this point, by not dealing sooner with the obvious.

Okay, now, that said, it is NOT your job to tell him anything about his paternity. How and when this comes up is strictly between your son and this woman. Is your son willing to adopt him? That will give him more authority.

I think that, unless you are prepared to love him from the position of someone who will get little to no input in his life and be prepared to be pushed away at the mother's whim, you should start pulling back. Let him gradually get used to not having you around, and let her be a single mother. At some point, your son might get married and have his own children. This child will not be his firstborn (unless he adopts him), and that will cause all kinds of confusion and jealousy and resentment for the women and children involved.

ETA: That's what the therapist is supposed to do, call the appropriate authorities. I know that you just want to be nice and loving, but you are crossing a critical line and perpetuating the confusion and other foolishness. HE IS NOT YOURS. Even your son is willing to put space between this child and his family, if not cut ties altogether. He's not being mean; he's being practical and, likely, kind to this child by not letting him spend even more years thinking of him as family. Your son is opting to inject some clarity into the confusion, before it gets worse. He is drawing healthy and necessary boundaries in big, clear lines. You should follow your son's lead, since she has said that she doesn't want to relinquish parental rights. This is becoming a mess of your own creation, as long as you continue to be so involved. Sorry if this is harsh, but that's not your place. You are overstepping in this situation.

The child is only 4. So you do need to wait. But I would say 6 or 7 is a pretty good age. And if your son has played such an important role in this kids life then why does he have to call him by name? I am sorry but it seems a bit...fighting for words here...misguided maybe? This baby NEEDS a loving human being in his life and with the mean mom he needs familiar. You guys telling him he can't call this guy who he has always known dad anymore may be too hard for him. Your son is his dad. Blood or not.

Hi, D..
For some reason I can't read the prior responses, so I apologize if I repeat. I don't think you need to (or should) tell the child you are not bio relatives. Little people don't care about genetics. What they care about is the people who love them and make them feel safe. I always tell my kids that family isn't about biology. It's about the people who love and care for you. That makes you more his family than his mother and based on what you've said, this child's mom will be the one who tells him you aren't his "real" grandparents and when he comes to you and asks why you didn't tell him, your answer can be "Because we never thought of you any different than our other grandkids", "We couldn't love you any more than we already do if you were biologically related", and "because you ARE our child", "Because we never thought of you any other way." Biology doesn't dictate family. Your heart and compassion does.
Good for you for being there and loving this child unconditionally. He needs you now and will continue to.

I know someone who found out their dad was not her biological dad at age 16 and her 6 siblings were half siblings. It really shook her and still does over 25 years later. To have everyone in your family (mom, dad who raised her, aunts, uncles, grandparents) know this and not tell made this an ugly secret and she feels deceived by everyone who knew and didn't share.

I think it is just better if kids just always knew this information so they don't have a recollection of having been specifically told. How special can you make this boy feel that although he is not biologically in your family, all of you choose him to be a part of your family because he is who he is and you love him. What a beautiful thing. Don't count on his mom to do the right thing. She obviously has not done so in the past and there is no reason to expect she will in the future.

You sound like great people!!!

I think you need to consult a lawyer and the mother and decide how you want to proceed. There are no set rules, except that all adults keep the best interests of the CHILD in mind.

I think that it doesn't matter if your son is the bio dad, for all intents and purposes the child sees him as the father and you are all emotionally attached. Since the mom doesn't want to find the bio dad, your son is all the child has. The child needs a father and a loving family.

God has given you this child to love. It doesn't matter HOW it happened, God has entrusted this child to you. This child NEEDS you.

I would see what your legal rights are (my guess is you have none now) and try to see what legal rights you can get. TALK to the child's mom, and see if you can get her to see what the best interests are for her son. Right now you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. Free childcare? Having the child be taken care of? Not willing to sign over any rights? Not fair!

You can probably get further by consulting the mom and being nice. I wish you lots of luck!

Just remember, the important thing is the child, not blood. The child doesn't need to know that your son is not the bio dad until he is old enough to understand what a bio dad is. Maybe by first grade?

I'm just wondering how your son treats the boy and interacts with him. It sounds like he is involved and treats him well, but does he treat him lovingly, like a father would a son? I can understand if he wants to protect himself emotionally and distance himself a bit. I don't think that is what is best for the boy, but I could at least understand it.

If he does treat him like a son or could if he let himself, then I think the boy should be told sooner than later. You could reference something like "You know how we used to say you should call your dad by his first name? Well that's because he didn't actually help make you like most other daddies do. We thought maybe you shouldn't call him dad, but you know, there are lots of kinds of dads and families." And go to talk about how he is loved by dad and grandparents as if he DID help make him and will always love him no matter what. Start with something like that then, when questions come up as he gets older, answer them honestly and the best you can.

AND look into the legalities of custody etc. It would be amazing if you could adopt him and he could have consistency in his life.

This is such a tough situation and you and your husband are amazing and very selfless for being there so much for this sweet boy. His mother seems terrible, leaving him for such long periods doing who knows what. BUT I did feel the need to comment this to you (as I think a few had already mentioned) that you unfortunately have ZERO legal right to this child. Nor will you be able to have any say in how he is raised if at any time his "mother" decides to just take him away forever. And all the emotional attachment you have put in will just crush you when he is taken away. I say this not to ruin your day, and not to hurt you, but I just feel for you because you are such a loving giving person and I don't know you, but I would hate to see you suffer so. If your son has no emotional attachment to this child and is unwilling to adopt him, and this "mother" is just some come as you go person, then one day she will decide she doesn't "need" you anymore and will take him away forever. Because unfortunately this is all she is doing is using you guys. So it might be best to slowly not take care of him... and have the "mother" actually do her job in raising her son. Oh my gosh, praying for you and for that precious child. I pray no matter what happens and what decisions the adults in this situation come to, I pray so hard that it will be in the utmost best interest for that sweet boy. And I pray whatever hurt you may endure through this, that healing will take place quickly for you because you truly are a wonderful person. Take care D.!

I haven't read all the responses, but the immediate response I had when I read your subject was "the sooner the better." The longer you wait, the worse it will be when he finds out. Explain it in age appropriate terms and don't ever lie about it. Make sure to bring it up every once in awhile (like, only once or twice a year) until he's old enough to really understand and know it forever. If you tell him at 4 and don't mention it again until he's 12, it'll be like new information and it will upset him.