Not Wanting to Go to School at ALL!

I would sit her down in a place that doesn't have distractions and speak openingly and honestly. "You know Mommy has to go to work so we can live the kind of life we want to live. So crying about school isn't going to change the fact that it's important you go and be with the other kids. However, I want to know how I can help make it better. Can you tell Mommy why you don't like school right now? Has something happened that I don't know about?"

That way, you're showing her that she's not going to get her way by crying and carrying on, but you do care about her feelings. I seem to remember my daughter going through this and it was because a the girls were starting to form cliques and she wasn't chosen to be in it or whatever. I spoke to the teacher and she kept an eye on it. Whether it died down because of the teacher or the girls got tired of just playing with each other, I don't know. But my daughter saw that I cared about her feelings and would stand up for her.

Good luck!

I've used an empathetic approach for a couple of years now with my 5yo grandson, and it usually works very well. I start by just listening to what he says he wants (or doesn't want). I ask questions, draw him out, and repeat in my own words what he has told me so he knows I've been listening respectfully and sympathetically. I agree with him that the thing he wants would be wonderful, and tell him I'd give him that and more if it were possible.

When he knows he's been heard, he's able to relax and consider other angles. At that point, I ask him what solutions or alternatives he can think of. We both brainstorm every creative (and not so creative) idea we can possibly think of. I write everything down, even the bad ideas.

Then we go through the list and find one or two ideas that can actually work. I make sure at least one of the ideas is his. He's then invested in the solution, and willing to help make it work.

In the case of preschool, if you have to work that full day, you have the right to make that need known. If you don't have to work, consider how important the issue is to your daughter. She's probably letting you know of some need she has, and it's not a power play unless you choose to interpret it that way.

But if you do have to work, give her a chance to look at other ways of handling her disappointment/stress/loneliness/etc. Kids can be remarkably original in how they deal with necessary issues. She might suggest something neither of you has thought of before – getting a little mom/daughter time on the way home from the full day at the library or over frozen yogurt. Having a tea party when you get home. Sending her a love note in her lunch box. There could be any number of solutions that would be "good enough" for her, and give her a chance to stretch herself emotionally.

There's a wonderful little book that teaches problem-solving techniques called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is loaded with real-life examples of how to make a positive, empathetic connection with a child, while making your own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the lessons to work in your own family. I can't recommend this gem highly enough.

<Laughing> No WONDER!!! She gets all kinds of goodies and attention for not wanting to go! I wouldn't quit saying I don't want to go either if I got bribed left and right for it. ((I am NOT saying punish for "not wanting to"... I strongly second Pegs advice about how to handle the "not wanting to's"))

The tell, to me, is that she's happy when you pick her up and has reports of having great days.

For me... on Mondays I used to work a 12-15 hour shift (so I could work 3 days doing 4 hours shifts in the evening after bedtime). Tuesdays became a nightmare. Kiddo did full on body throwing fits that he didn't want to go on TUESDAYS. And then the rest of the week was doing the same "I don't wannas" in the morning (no fits) but was bursting with joy and had to be pulled away at pickup time. After talking with his teacher (the school had a strict 3 days in a row policy), she offered to scrap the 3 day in a row thing to see if it worked. Yup. From then on he went to preschool Mondays, Wed, Thurs. Having a "mommy day" on tuesday after my being gone all day on monday was just the magic touch. (Fridays were also mommy days). When my job changed we made sure to keep fridays as "mommy & kiddo" days, and tuesdays weren't a problem. But after being gone all day monday he just REALLY needed me there on tuesdays.

I couldn't drop the full day + aftercare... I had to work. But tuesday I didn't work during the day. So we dropped THAT day. And that balanced things out for him so that he was, once again, thrilled about going to school *most* days. Dropping the day wasn't "giving in", it was helping to fulfill a need (him needing me) that didn't counteract another need (my needing to work).

of course school is going to tell you she's fine while she's there.

im learning that they're liars. they have told me my daughter was fine and happy all day, and one time when I specifically asked if she had cried at all they told me no. Well, I could hear her crying in the background, which is why I asked because I suspected they had been lying to me. So, I said, isn't that her crying in the background? Exactly. They admitted it. Then, they started putting the phone on hold when I call. And everytime I get there to pick her up, the director runs back to her classroom to make sure someone is holding her when I walk in. I haven't said anything, because I'm not sure how to handle it--but I'm looking for a new daycare.

Anyway, listen to your daughter. Maybe there's a reason she's so miserable there. It's not "giving in" if you consider her feelings. Try looking into other schools and switch--if that doesn't solve the problem, obviously do not keep switching schools. Maybe there's a good reason she hates it so much, that's all I'm saying.

my son had this problem last year and the beginning of this year. last year he loved going to school and then towards the last 2 mos. he would cry everyday, and not want to go. he didn't say why. i talked to his teachers and they said that he wouldn't play on the playground anymore and didn't know why. come to find out there was (and is) a group of boys who are really rough when they play and my son doesn't like that. and the beginning of this year he was the same way and a little boy had pushed him, and something occured on the playground again. he told me this not his teachers. teachers can't catch everything, so i would talk to your daughter and find out what's going on. my son is doing fine now, he has made friends and plays well with the other kids and is even playing on the playground again after having straightened it out.

She used to love school.
Now she does not.
So.... I would wonder what the change is????
The Teacher said she is 'fine' at school. Really???
What about issues with other kids, or other kids being icky to your daughter? Those things happens too. Yes, even at this age. It did to my daughter at that age, at Preschool. A couple of kids were just noxious little buggers. REALLY causing a bad experience for the other kids.

Does your daughter give any sort of 'reason' for her turn around in attitude about school?

Or maybe yes, full day is too long for her. It is often times, for a child this young. Do they have NAP time at Preschool? They should, They usually do at this age. What is nap time like? Is it 'forced' or flexible?

But the fact is, you need to work and so she needs to go to preschool.... and that is not really an option??? for you?

I would talk with the Teacher more... some Teachers just give blanket 'fine' type statements, but others are more observant and with the other kids per interactions...and they are more cognizant... of what is going on, or may be going on...and they will be HONEST about it, per your child.

ALSO, how does the school 'discipline' kids???? I would wonder that too. Is your daughter being treated differently? Are they supervised properly, or when on the playground or when having to go to the toilet etc., or if they have pee accidents etc???? ALL of these things... affects a child... and it depends ON how the school/Teacher, handles it.... for all of these NORMAL things, that DO happen to kids at this age.

all the best,
Susan

When we went through this with my daughter, there were usually things that we didn't figure out until later. Once her best friend moved away and her favorite teacher transitioned to a different room at the same time. It was a horrible summer. Once they moved her to the room with the old teacher she was fine. Another time a boy was teasing her and calling her a baby. It took a while to figure out that was the problem. Once we figured it out and I talked to the teacher and she separated them, she was fine. Could be she just doesn't like the full day and is afraid that you are going to leave her there full days other days. Maybe she doesn't like naps or something in the afternoons. The afternoons tend to be less structured and the kids are tired and there are different teachers that rotate in so they can have a break. Maybe there is a kid there that bothered her. Could be something that is insignificant to us happened to frighten her. If you can't figure it out, before you drop full day, you could pick her up for two or three times and see if she improves, then you will know if that is the problem. My son went through this and it was because he was in time out all the time for tiny infractions. Sometimes he can still get this way because he would rather be at home playing Wii. I can understand about you not wanting to give in. My daughter cried and clung a lot about school and I refused to give in because I had to work. Looking back, I'm not sure if the place was right for her or if it was just her personality. I tried to reason with myself that lots of kids younger than her were in daycare full days and they didn't have any options and did fine so it couldn't be that she was too young, but who knows. Try to search out a cause. It does get better. We switched schools combined with her being a big 4 yo and she was a different child.

I think most working Moms can feel their stomach twist when they read your post because were been there. I blamed myself for her pain - oh why do I have to go to work. It does get better, its all a part of growing up and heling her to be independant.
When my daughter did this, I waited in the lobby and a few mins later - she did stop crying, then I went and peeked in her class room and she was doing just fine, playing - having a blast. I am sure she was just home sick, we all get this way. Of course I had no way to tell if she was fine all day - thats where picking the right center comes in.
One of the things that really helped us is to identify with her. 'It does feel terrible to go to school sometimes." "You dont want to go to school today!" "I dont want to go to work either." "I can understand you want to stay home.' "I'm sorry you feel awlful about staying there all day!" What do you think would make you feel better there? Taking a special toy?" You need to say it all without the ....'but I have to go to work.' Go through your morning routine, saying those things to her, get in the car saying those things to her. Drop her off, wish her a good-day then go.
Dont bribe her to go, it will make the behavior worse.
When you do have a good morning (and you will), let her know you noticed. "Hey - you know what? You didnt cry today? Nice job!" "Youre a very brave girl!"

I really like what so many posters have already advised, especially Peg.

As a preschool teacher, I do advise parents to keep with their scheduled days unless their child is truly having an *off* day or is ill. My first reason is consistency for the child as well as our community. The second reason is simply this: later in life, school attendance is not an option. (Unless you choose to take on homeschooling.) Imagine how hard the future would be if children felt they had a say in the matter on a daily basis.

As a mom, I have a little boy your daughter's age who goes to my girlfriend's preschool. Just this morning he told me he wanted to stay home at "mama's school". While the heartstrings were tugged, I gently told him "I know, you have a lot of fun at home. Today is a school day, and when our four days are done, you get to stay home with mama." While I would have loved to have kept him with me (he does well with my other students), he needs a mama who will stand firm and be consistent with him. He needs the predictability and he needs me to be in charge, even when he isn't really wanting to do what I ask, because if I'm not in charge, who is?

I don't know your daughter well enough to suggest anything beyond what you and your daughter's teacher will try to work out for her. It will help the teacher immensely if you decide to be a team to help her draw your daughter into the group play. I'll also add that, at this age, some children do a lot of observing and may continue with parallel play for a while, so please do not think of your daughter as anti-social. Perhaps introverted? (There's a great book called The Introvert Advantage which I highly recommend. Introversion used to be considered an anti-social behavior; it has since been better understood and we now know why that categorization is incorrect.) An anti-social child will be acting out toward other children--either openly or on the sly-- and exhibit other concerning traits, and you aren't mentioning these. So keep on as a team with the teacher--- one thing I would find helpful from a parent would be to discuss what sort of activities your daughter enjoys at home, so I could incorporate a bit of that into what I'm offering at school, and then to figure out how I could offer it in a very managed group play setting.

Beyond that, this is going to be her challenge to master--finding a way to feel okay at school. This isn't easy for every child. Last session, I had a child who had a very difficult time being at school. When the child returned this session, we changed a few small pieces of the routine and it was literally a night-and-day difference. Talk to the teacher, too, and see if she has any suggestions for the drop-off. I have found that tweaking my routine has helped *monumentally*. The parents no longer come into the school space; instead, they say their goodbyes outside and I greet the children on the porch. The kids carry their own coats, backpacks, lunchboxes, etc, then come in, put these items in their place, use the toilet and wash hands just fine all with direction from me, instead of having Mama do it with/for them. It has made a HUGE difference in the children seeing themselves as capable and competent players at school!

Best wishes,
H. Wheeler
owner/teacher
Plumtree Nursery School