Not to Sure How to Handle This One on My Own.

Ok, first you are not a bad mom. Please I know we sometimes feel this way but believe me you're not.

Now the car has to be taken away and he has to pay you back for all, half, something of what you paid. I don't have a teenager (yet) but there were 3 teens in my house (and 1 bathroom!) and it's very interesting how we all turned out.

With me, my parents bought me my first car and I had to pay for insurance. When I crashed or sped either I paid up front or my parents paid and I paid them back. My first speeding ticket the car was taken away for a month and I had to walk or ride a bike everywhere and do community service! My dad also kept a tally under the clock in the kitchen how much money I owed him. I now appreciate what my parents were trying to teach me.

My brother and sister never got in trouble for tickets or crashing cars. (My sister is on her 4th car and my parents keep buying them for her). They both still live at home, don't have jobs and try the "You're the worst parent ever" trick which seems. Please don't play into this trap.

You have to do what you think is right but if you don't set boundries how will your son know when to stop.

Hang in there,
Kristal

I have not had this situation but my sister-in-law did with her son. Very hard on her also. When her son threw the "Dad is better than you" she felt gulity also, and then gave him the chance to go be with his father and see for himself. Things change quickly when they stay there... Dad can't always let them get away with things because he would be responsible then. Don't know if that would work for you because of Dad being a drunk though. But I would definitely ignore the family and have him start paying for his mistakes, or else he'll think you'll always bail him out. Sit down with him and explain your bills and how his actions have changed them and why you'll need him to now help with them. If he is truly so depressed you are worried to take action then I highly suggest help again. Right now it sounds as though he is walking all over you and he is in control, and yes it does go with the age but he still has to realize you are Mom.

Hi K.,

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. The teen age years are so hard for both the teens and the parent. Please don't doubt yourself in regards to his responsibilities - your insight is right on target. Kids are going to get away with what they can, human nature causes us to blame everyone but ourselves.

As parents, we hate seeing our kids in pain and will do everything we can to prevent it. Unfortunately, the world is not so kind and we need to prepare them for living in it - not an easy thing to do. Being responsible for his actions is a great attribute and often missing in far too many adults. Paying for his speeding ticket, even if it means paying you back a little at a time, as well as the damage to the car and the additional cost of insurance is fair. He's working and going to school so sounds like he is on the right path. He just needs some additional guidance from a loving Mom!

K.,
It sounds to me as if you need to just take away all driving privledges. I know that this will probably affect you alot, due to him not being able to drive to work, school,etc.. but really what else is there to do? Today's kids think that it is their right to drive and it's not. Since he has a part time job, maybe he should start paying the extra $150 on the insurance. Make him pay you back, and if he's not willing to do this remind him that YOU are the parent.

Hi K.,

Unfortunately, you're going through what many parents go through, myself included. There are a few things I can suggest to help remedy the aftermath of his actions.

I was once an insurance salesman & sold car insurance. You may want to get him his own car with his own policy. When you do this you you do several things. First you removed yourself from liability. With your son under your policy you can be sued for his actions. Get yourself an umbrella policy. It's a cheaper way to insurnace your home, car, etc from catastrophic mishap. Secondly you can give him the responsibility of paying his own way. If he wants to be treated like a grown up, let him bare the responsibility that comes with it. You can alos have him take a drivers defensive course which might help save that premium hike.

As far as protecting yourself from future speeding tickets you can acquire a legal services plan where an attorney can be present when you or a family member gets a moving violation. The site for that is www.prepaidlegal/hub/mpuglia.

If you need to shop around for car insurance you can get free rate comparisons from the Insurance category of my online shopping mall www.YourFavoriteLinks.com. There are several companies that can provide quotes to help save you money.

The last thing I recommend is to keep your communication open with your son. He may resent the fact that he is no longer as close to his father as he once was.

Good Luck & GOD Bless

M. Puglia
www.YourFavoriteLinks.com
Your Online Shopping Mall
For All Your Home & Office Needs

I'm sorry that your son is depressed, but please do not allow him to manipulate you. He is very young and I believe that at this age, driving is a privilege. If he is 17 years old and driving 70 miles an hour, he is putting himself and others in danger. I would not allow my child to continue driving if they are behaving in an unsafe manner, and if they're acting with no regard for my finances when it's your insurance that is going up and you who is paying for car repairs. You aren't doing him a favor by allowing him to do something dangerous because you are afraid of what he might do if you punished him. If you really think that he might, then please get him (and yourself) some help.

Good luck

I too have a teenaged daughter who just received her license. I told her that now that she has a license and is beginning a part time job, that she needs to pay $60.00 towards her car insurance per month. She got so annoyed at me, but thankfully her boyfreind was there and he told her that it was very fair and not to complain. Not to mention that we have bought her a car nothing fancy but she has a car. She also has a cell phone that we pay for also. She does help out around the house and she does babysit for me so I can attend college one night a week. At this age the teenagers need to become more responsible and begin to help pay for their car insurance and gas. They have to understand that it is not a free ride for them.
As much as my daughter tries to make me feel guilty about having to pay car insurance which I will tell you is alot more that what I mentioned, I refuse to let her make me feel guilty about something that is not a given. A car is a luxury for a teenager and they need to understand that. Don't let you kids walk all over you or even make you feel guilty there is no reason to feel guilty about wanting your kid to be a responsible adult.
A.

I would start driving him places and then picking him up. After he has proven to be responsible you could try letting him do the driving with you in the car. Basicly I would start over like he is just learning to drive. I know he will not like this idea but it is the safest one. For the money you paid he could work it off by helping out around the house or out of his paycheck a little at a time. You could sit down and talk to him. Let him know that you are willing to help him out but he will need to help too. Have him be responsible for paying back half of the money. I hope this helps.

Hi K.-
If I were you, I would not let him use the car until he can prove he is being responsible. He just got his license, and he's gotten a speeding ticket, wrecked the car, and had another "fender bender" I would send him to defensive driving classes (paid by him) if he wants to use the car. Once he finishes the course, I would only let him drive with a licensed adult driver until he can prove he can be a responsible driver. I would also have him pay the increase in your car insurance.
He needs to learn to be responsible for his actions. You should also speak to his counseler and ask him/her any suggestions.
Good Luck!

All previous advice sounds awesome and I agree. Only other thing I would add is we don't have to be friends with our kids although that is nice if it works out that way. Our first job is to be the parent, keep them safe, teach them about responsibility and how to become a member of the adult world!

K.,
I don't mean to sound rude but last month we buried my neighbor's son due to a car accident. Tyler was 15 years old and a passenger in the car. The driver was just 16, had only had his license for a few months, was going fast to get a thrill out of hitting the hump in the road, went air bound, and hit a tree head on. Both boys died on impact, the 3rd boy who was in the back seat had injuries and was admitted to the hospital. Please be tough, your son will appreciate it in the long run. I don't want you to have to bury your son like Tyler's parents and the drivers parents had to bury their boys. Both boys died unnecessarily. I am a mother of 5, a girl and then 4 boys, and trust me I am tough on them. My oldest is 25 and she will tell you she now apreciates how strict I was with her and my first 2 boys. My youngest boys are only 12 and 9 and when the time comes I will be tough on them too. One other thing, if something happens to your son, your family and especially his father will more than likely blame you for not setting rules and boundries.
Hope I was of some help and that I didn't offend you.
Hugs,
T.

Hi, K.:

I am a 48 year old divorced, single mom of a 16 year old girl. Her Dad left the Thanksgiving when she was 9 months old. He then moved across country to California. She has had little contact with her Dad over the years and now that he is remarried - he is trying to form a relationship with his daughter. He has visited once over Thanksgiving last year and then she went with her paternal grandmother to visit him in CA - he is living well now that he is married to a very wealthy young woman. Over the years I have beaten myself up about the divorce even though he never had me or my daughter on his list of priorities. I have been in and out of counseling and have been treated for depression for about 13 years. My daughter was always a wonderful child up until October of her 8th grade year: Her grades went down, she barely spoke to me, we argued, I found out that she was smoking both cigarettes and pot. She hated school. She also had testing which showed she has problems in the area of comprehension. This became worse, of course, with the smoking of pot. I had her go to 2 therapists. She was resistent to counseling. It was her way or the highway. Because she was so good up to that point I always got her what she wanted. Recently, with paying for braces, now soon having to pay for the extraction of her wisdom teeth, I have had some financial difficulties.(I do not get dental insurance at the school I work for) I have had to cut back a bit but she still gets whatever she asks for and I know part of doing this is due to the conscious or subconscious guilt I have due to the divorce and working full time since she was 9 weeks old. I know I needed to work to be able to provide for both of us but I still feel badly about this. She has always been my #1 priority to the point that I haven't dated much - 3 blind dates in 15 years! I was always afraid that a guy would end up being like my ex or a crazy! I am finally now open to putting myself out there because I miss the companionship and hopefully I will meet a great guy! All this is to say that finally I have put my foot down. She has misbehaved on and off since 8th grade and has finally calmed down! I am just holding my breath! All this is to say that I truly believe that all children need some discipline when they are out of line. I truly do not believe that telling, not asking him to pay for these bills totally or partially is not out of line and you are not a monster mother! Stop listening to other people and listen to your gut! That feeling in your gut is God (or whoever you believe is "the higher power") talking to you. Consider going for counseling to help you with parenting issues: it has helped me maintain my sanity through these difficult teen years so far. As far as your son's depression: I have always communicated to my daughter even when she chose not to speak to me and I believe that this is so important. If you truly feel he may hurt himself - get him into therapy ASAP- he has no choice, other than if he wants to go to a male or female thereapist. This is what I did when I had the same concern for my daughter. Also - she knows that she cannot get her drivers license unless she contributes to the insurance cost and shows that she has the maturity to handle a car. If your son is getting into accidents, it may be wise to take the privilege of the car away just for a while or even until he starts contributing to the costs of repairs and insurance. Consider having him pay it back over so many months so that he is left with some spending money for himself. These are turbulent times and especially with teens. My credo to my daughter is "I love you no matter what. There is nothing you can do that will ever change that. My job is to keep you safe and alive so you have to live with what I need to do to be sure this happens...If you are out and drunk or high or in any other kind of trouble call me - there will be no questions asked. We can talk about it another time." So COMMUNICATE always. I hope this helps!

You are enabling him to continue to be reckless and disrespectful with the responsibility of the car by not insisting he take responsibility for his actions. There are alot of ways to go about it... but you need to do something.

My recommendation is to add up everything (speeding tix, fixing the car, increase in car insurance, etc.) and decide what you'd like him to pay back. I recommend ALL... but you need to do what you feel is right. I would then sit down with him... show him the math and ASK HIM what he thinks should happen. He may actually have a good/fair idea. If NOT, tell him what you think is fair...

my first thought, is to put him on a payment plan and if he misses a payment or is late.. NO CAR PRIVELEGES until he pays it. For example, the 15th of every month (or line it up with when he gets a paycheck) he owes X amount of money. Just like in the real world... there are consequences when we are late with bills, etc. He can learn this now.

At this age, I believe LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES very important. He's irresponsible with the car, HE pays for whatever damages and NO CAR for X amount of time. He's late for school... he has to serve whatever discipline they dish out. Don't SAVE him from these things, it will only make him weak later.

Also, be sure you are showing him LOVE LOVE LOVE... i know that's hard with teenagers... but even just buying his favorite snack food or something simple like that to show you were thinking of him.

And, did you ever apologize for the "laughing at him" that you mentioned? If not, it could probably be very healing if you did...

It seems like you're getting all kinds of suggestions... so go with your heart and what seems right. But, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE. It's obvious that you agree, or you wouldn't have posted on here. Don't listen to your friends who tell you that he's a good kid and not to do anything. He may be a good kid, but you can help him be EVEN BETTER by teaching him there are real consequences for his actions.

ALSO, in regards to him looking at you like he'll go hurt himself. I hate to say it... but wouldn't you rather this happen under your roof with you there to help him learn to deal with hard things that WILL HAPPEN in life? OR would you rather wait until he's 25 on his own and has to deal with a late car payment/bill... and then hurts himself with noone immediately there to help him deal with it? Your job is to prepare him to survive in the real world and be strong and confident on his own... this is just ONE of many lessons in the process.

Also, your younger kids can learn through what he learns...

A book that I really like that deals with some of these issues is: Raising Great Kids: Parenting with Grace and Truth, by Cloud and Townsend. Be warned, it is faith based...

GOOD LUCK please let us know how it goes...

HTH

darci

p.s. the OP with the ideas about switching insurance/ getting him his own car or at least own insurance were good ideas to at least consider... but don't forget her should OWN UP to what has already occurred.

K., it is very important that you take a more consistant firm stand with your son or he will get more out of hand. First you and your husband need to talk and come to an agreement of how to handle this.You have to deal with your own emotions are you giving in because somehow you feel guilty about the boys father not being in the picture. It was not your fault and you are providing him with a stable home now. You need to have a family meeting with your son. Tell him you expect him to pay his debts. Work out a payment plan. Try not to be condesending.If he wants to continue driving he must pay the extra difference on your insurance. Double check to make sure he is not smoking Pot. My son was and he is a terrific kid but it took me 3yrs to find out.Good luck Carol D

K.,

Are you spying in on my life? LOL... I have a 16 yr old daughter that is just making me pull my hair out!...

Though..about your son.. you really need to stick to your guns girlfriend! Since he has a job.. MAKE HIM PAY for the damages and for the ticket and the increase in your insurance!!!

How does his paycheck get cashed? I would tally up the total and take something weekly out of his pay to have him repay you for the extra costs.

And you ARE RIGHT.. him using the car IS A PRIVILEDGE!! If he doesn't 'obey' the rules of the road and your rules about the use of the car.. THEN NO CAR!

As for his depression, have you thought about medication to help? Or to continue with counseling services? My daughter, like your son, is also a depressed mess - but has gotten better with medication. And also adores her father -to whom also has nothing really to do with her life!

You have to lay down the law - this is how it is! YOU are the mother and HE is the child. I know sometimes this is easier said than done - believe me!... though he needs to know that you mean business... and he needs to earn the right to drive the car. Whether that be extra chores or whatever you decide.

You stated that you run a daycare - so if one of the children in the daycare was doing something inappropriate - you would take the necessary action to correct it.. RIGHT? so why be so lenient with your own child?

Good luck..

driving is a privelege
i say you take the privelege away from him until he can make up for some of the bills he has racked up.
jmo but you need to explain to him you cant just keep going and wrecking, speeding with the car.
let him drive only with you as part of the punishment.
kids hate to be with their parents in the car i know my mom was trying to teach me to drive when i was 18 and that didnt work out one bit....you need to be firm or hes going to keep going like he is
and if dad is not around he thinks he has more control over you that way. he is basically the male figure in the house being the oldest son.
i hope this helps you some
A.

Dear K.,
I understand your predicament as my children went through this a few years ago. As they get older we seem to lore away from sticking to our guns, especially when they are good kids. But it is a time to remain as forceful as ever. In the end, they will have more respect for you as a parent than ever.
When I bought a van for my catering business, I gave my Ford to my daughter at age 16 with the stipulation that she pay insurance and gas. That was fine until her summer job ended. Then she was begging us for gas money "until she found a job". We obliged and yet no job transpired. Then she would show up at my deli and ask my employees to give her $10 out of the register for gas. I put an end to that! One morning she asked me for gas money, and I told her to take the bus. She was Appalled, but I stuck by my word. She took the bus that day, and that afternoon she had a job at Pizza Hut. She had that job for 2 1/2 years. Not only does she now have good working habits, but she works with children with behavioral problem. That incident did not hinder our friendship, and she confers with me on how to handle her young clients.
I truly believe you know what you have to do. You need to discuss these incidences with your son, make him aware of the costs involved, and come up with a payment plan that he can live with. As with anything in life, driving comes with consequences. Right now his consequences are monetary, a level he can deal with. But they can become life threatening which he should be made aware of.
I wish you good luck, W.

Wow... you've got your hands full K.!

Time to take the car away. Remember, fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me. The fact that he didn't even tell you about the 1st mishap and then got the speeding ticket and THEN crashed the car? Not cool. He seemed rather blah about the accident too. Just, "Mom, I crashed the car.."?? Any apologies?

In my opinion, kids, especially teenagers, will always favor the parent that gives them the most freedom. They just don't know that by setting rules and boundaries, you're actually making them a better person. They coudln't care less about that - at this age, all they want is freedom.

He is manipulating you by giving you 'the look'. Remember who makes the house rules. You are the boss. Also, your new husband... I'm curious to know his stance on this. Does he have 'a say'? Sounds like your son could use a decent father figure since his is so absent and dealing with his own issues. Can your new hubby try to talk to him / reason with him?

I was a really good kid too, growing up. Great grades and all. My parents did not buy me a car nor did they get me insurance. I had to wait until I had a job, established myself and then got a loan (parents co-signed) and paid it back myself. I also paid my own car insurance. I was respectful of the car since I was paying for everything myself, and I did respect my parents for not handing everything to me. They weren't obligated to do so.

Anyway - good luck K..... I sincerely hope you can find what it takes to put your foot down and lay down the law!

I think you should make him pay you back. When I was growing up, there were 5 teens in the house. My parents could not afford to pay for all of us. We all had jobs after school/weekends. We all bought our own cars and had to buy our own insurance. For the most part, it helped us all grow up and be responsible adults. It might be a "shocker" to throw that all at your son, but at the very least, he should pay you back. Once that is taken care of, he should move to getting his own policy.

I know nothing about raising teenagers and how you should handle this, but I don't think it is that uncommon. If it makes you feel any better I was very entitled and obnoxious to my parents at that age (and in my early twenties) and now I truly appreciate everything they have done. And, I remember a lot of the boys in my high school crashing brand new cars. Someone drove drunk and crashed into someone's gate. He's a doctor now. I would be worried about his safety on the road (as I am sure you are) so if he had to pay for things he might be more cautious. As for paying, there was a girl in my school who had an open house party and everyone stole her parents
alcohol. THey made her get a job to pay for it, she worked at a department store, and in the end it had a silver lining because she got into a department store training program after college. (The Dad, however, after years of cheating on the Mom with half the town left her though...)

Boy, do I know how you feel. I have that "mom guilt" with my older son too. he is now 16 and driving me nuts. I think part of the reason we keep going back on our word and giving in, is because we feel guilty. Guilty for not picking better natural fathers for one. Unfortunately you and I need to learn tough love. You have to take the driving privileges away. No car until he pays you back everything. If you have to drive him to work, make him pay you gas money. And then he can start saving for his own car and his own car insurance. Even if it is an inconvenience for you and your husband, you will be saving yourselves more money and stress down the road when, God forbid, something worse happens. He is just not ready for the responsibility. I so feel for your situation as I live it too. Don't let him play you..... Good Luck, I will keep a prayer for you for strength and guidance with this hard and heart wrenching situation.

K. You are not a monster by any means. I'm 32 and a first time single mom, of a 16 month old son. I Think back on how my parents raised me and my 2 brothers. I can only say that if one of us had done that to a parents car then we, would not be using the car for a while. They would not have expected us to pay for it, but if we offered would have been happy that we did. I can look back and say thank you to my parents for the person that I am today, because of their guidance. I can also say that at the time some of my punishments did not sit well, but ALL children need to learn respect, responsibility, and to learn there are consequences to their actions, regardless of age. I can also say that as parents we want what is best for our children and to give them everything we can. "BUT" we have to give them bounderies or rules for lack of a better word. Maybe even setting him down (if you haven't already) and explaining that his speeding has caused your insurance to increase and that he could have been badly injured or someone else could have been injured due to the accident or even died. Stick to it, listen to your instincts they are usually right, you are not a bad parent you are just setting bounderies, and showing him that there is a consequence to his actions.

Hi K., my name is K..

All I can say is don't parent out of guilt. Do what you know in your heart to be correct and stick to it. This is not about your son, this is about you as a mother who should know in her heart (by know) that she's doing the best thing possible for her family. And as you know, doing the right thing doesn't always feel good or is easy. Also, you ruin your son by giving him mixed signals. Mess up and I'll pretend to discpline, but I really going to fix it, because I feel guilty I had you when you were young and you're father's a drunk. You shouldn't even bring up his father is a drunk, because thought you choose him you did something smart as well, you moved on to a healthy happy relationship. Let yourself off the hook. Your son needs to pay for his actions are he'll never learn to be the kind of man you can be proud off. And than another woman (his wife) will have to retrain him.

you are not a monster, but a normal parent who doesnt what their child mad at them. my parent always told me that driving a car is a privilege not a right. enforcing rules is not bad or being a monster. in the long run you son will learn responsibility. if that has become a no no then i never got the memo. put you foot down now before he takes even more advantage of you and you generosity. maybe the next time counciling is mentioned, you might want to go with him and together the two of you can work out the problems.

Hello K.,

Here's a little perspective for you. My oldest turned 16 last September, and he still doesn't have a permit. I explained to him that if he could not be responsible for something as simple as keeping his room clean, how could I trust him with a car? He plays basketball, so I have had to drive him this winter for team stuff, but come spring the free taxi service is about to dry up.

First off, please consider the statistics around teen driving. Your son doesn't sound like anyone I would want to share the road with.

As for the rest of it, perhaps you should start by requiring your son to pay you back, or buy his own car and insurance. He's racked up quite a bill, so work out terms for the debt -- $75 a paycheck or such, but it truly sounds like time for a life lesson.

By the way, I put up with my son's dad's halo until he made a botch job of it himself. Your's will, too, eventually. And when your son's frontal lobe is all formed (about 25, sigh) he'll see his dad for what he is/was.

Good luck.

First thing you do is tell him he can't drive your car anymore, next go to work and pay back the money you paid out, than if he wants to drive bad enough he can save his money get his own car and his own ins. in his name, that way when he messes up his own rates go up not yours, the more you bail him out the more his hand will be out for a free ride, tough love mommy, time for him to grow up and time for you to say i was and am and will be a good mother stop listening to your friends they aren't paying your bills are they? C. R

Hi K.,
Teenagers are tough I think. But it seems very obvious that ALL car priveleges need to be taken away from him. It is clear he is not responsible enough to drive, good kid or not. Set up a payment schedule for him to pay back all the costs incurred by his driving mishaps out of his salary. For example, he gives you half of every paycheck until he has paid you back completely.
As far as being depressed, if you feel he is depressed you should send hinm to counseling. By himself. Not counseling where you are privy to what he says.
Keep in mind that he is only a teen and teens rarely appreciate such things as food in their mouths and roofs over their heads! They also tend to blame their parents for everything, so dont take it personally.

I can't provide professional advice, but I will say this. Your note shook me. He needs someone to talk to. If he is depressed, as you say, he needs another outlet. The car & speed cannot be that outlet. Unfortunately, it is for many teenage boys. I have been close to 2 families in particular that this scenario ended badly. It sounds like in the past all he has established is that you laughed at him. That's not enough of a reason. Was that the only session? There are lots of wonderful resources in this town for families. Start in the HS with one of the social workers, your town's Youth & Family Services is another, etc.

Next, the money - make him 1) pay you back for what you feel is fair (if you don't feel comfortable with 100% of damages) and 2) he starts paying that $150 premium on your insurance. His use of your car should be revoked. Not after 5:00, not on weekends, etc. He needs to realize that driving your car IS a reward not a given and that there are consequences to his actions. You have not demonstrated that for him.

You sound pretty overwhelmed. Have you thought about talking to someone yourself, if for nothing else, advice and encouragement on how to deal with your teenaged son? You were right to reach out to others for help. Continue to do so. He doesn't hate you; he's pushing you to see how far he can go. You have to believe that deep down he knows how great you are, but you are the closest person that he can lash out at.
Good luck.

Aah, thought I was alone in the world! My son is 20 and has dealt with ADD and depression now since he was about 7 years old. It's like a never ending roller coaster ride and on any given day I am the worst person in the world or his best friend. As far as the car goes, take it away for awhile.......yeah, he'll hate you for a day or so and it will be inconvenient but it works. A few months ago my son was on the partying all night, not telling us where he was or what time he'd be home, nasty to all, etc.....I typed out a contract that basically said as long as he lives in our house (he attends college) he will live by the house rules...ie...asking to use the car, planning ahead, going to school, respecting and maintaining the car, calling when he was going to be late, etc...We made it clear the during the week he was to be in the house by 11:00 pm and the weekends were his own. He through a fit but then calmed down and has lived by the rules since then...I honestly think he welcomed the structure. I would take the car away from your son for a week or so....with the understanding that the next "offense" will be a longer loss of priveledges and so on and so forth.
As for the depression, I know it's easy to blame yourself, I do it everyday...it's heartbreaking to be the enemy most of the time but you got to hang in there and it's not you or anything you have or haven't done.

Need to establish rules and stick to it.
Does your oldest have a job?
He needs to show responsibility. I would not let him drive my car if I were you. He needs to save up for his own and pay his own insurance.

Thats what my kids did.

We paid our daughters car insurance when she was in college AND working.

Perhaps get an objective thrird party involved would be best.
You have accomplished a lot, your own business and all. You dont want to put that in jeopardy with any adolescent foolishness on your sons part.

When I was pregnant with my first child I was in an accident with a recless teen. I was sitting at a red light in the lane to go straight with my foot on the break. The other car was going into the turning lane to quickly and clipped my car. I stayed very calm exchanged information and went my merry way.
After I got the estimate I had a long conversation with his mom. She was telling me how her son was working and putting all his money away for "W.'s car" He could not even think about buying a birthday present for his girlfriend because he feared not having enough money.
This a kid who learned his lesson. YOURS IS NOT! My advice is to make him buy and support his own car. This includes insurence and repairs. You gave him a chance. In hearing your story I am not upset about the accident or the traffice ticket but that your son has not taken reponsibility for his actions. This means paying for his ticket and paying for the accident. If he can not respect your property he can not use your property. If you are tough now you will see it pay off later in life!

Hi K.,
I really feel for you and 17 is a very difficult age. If your son is depressed maybe he needs someone to talk to, but that's totally your decision. The only advice I can offer is this:
1. You and your husband should sit down with him and tell him how much you love and that even though he's not of blood relation to your current husband, he should know that is irrelevant and that he's loved regardless.
2. If his biological father is a drunk maybe you need to talk to someone alone to find out what type of impact this can have on a child (genetical or emotional), and the best way to handle it.
4. Since your family and friends don't live with you, they are not in your shoes, and are not willing to pay for his mistake, then they really should not have an influence in the way you raise your child. If they think you should continue to let him "be", then tell them to dish out money for the car repairs.
3. You are still one person, and unfortunately for all women, not a superhero. There are consequences to careless and thoughtless actions for everyone. You don't want him to get hurt and be a reckless driver of course, and he's old enough to understand that (if not act on it). So maybe you should tell him how much you love him, but still not let him take the car until he pays for (let's say) half of it. Since he works he should understand the value of money, and it's a good lesson and a safe one at that.
4. My son gives me puppy eyes too (though he's much younger), give it right back. Maybe shed a tear, and play to win to do the right thing.

well, you can pay to fix a broken car, but who do you pay to bring a dead child back to life? I'm not trying to be overly dramatic.....a car is a huge responsibility and he's not taking it seriously. You are both lucky that money is all your out...I would make him pay the difference in the car insurance every month and for gas....not all of it but use your judgement based on how moch he uses your car. Also I would write up a contract and have him sign it....stating that his driving priivilages will be revoked if he gets another ticket or in an accident in a certain period of time....acccidents happpen, learn from your mistakes...both of you, and move on. He won't be responsible if you don't make him. Best of luck. ( you can always cut out articles from the paper of teen deathes in car crashes and tape them to his bedroom door....my mom did that to my lil sister when she started smoking...every article she could find)

K.,

It may be difficuly but you have to begin sticking with whatever punishment you give your children. Of course, they will try to give you the guilt trip and point out of all of their good points. But part of being a parent is leeting them know with every action there is a consequence if you brak the rules.
Your 17 year old should be expected to pay you back for the $150 speeding ticket in addition to the repairs on the car. He has to learn responsibility. Work out a reasonable re payment schedule for the both the ticket and the repairs. I'm not certain how much your insurance has gone up but I would have him contribute at a min. $50 per month towards insurance.
What does he do with this money from the part time job? I would suggest that you open a custodial savings account w/o debit card privledges-he has to learn to save money as well.
Hope it all works out for you!
P.S. You are not a bad parent.

Wow K., your situation (and certainly your son's situation) could become so much worse if you don't set clear limits now. His crummy choices just out of the gate with this new freedom indicate that he needs you to be his parent and set some boundaries around how he conducts himself. There should be a consequence for the speeding (a tight curfew until he's x number of months inthe clear?) and he needs to take responsibility by being held to repaying that fine (maybe the early curfew until the fine is repaid?). He also needs to pay the resulting $150 on your insurance. When I was a teen everyone I knew also contributed money for gas when they used the family car and curfews were the norm (also these can be lifesavers, literally, given that kids do their stupidest manuevers in the wee hours--some states are even restricting young drivers to certain hours because this is the case). Getting a job and making his own money can be a big self-esteem boost for a depressed kid, but if with that concern in the mix I'd also have a candid talk with him about why he is unhappy now and what he can do to take charge of getting to a better place and how you can be helpful in that journey. Also, the liklihood that substances are involved increases considerably when kids are coping with mood disorders so ask about that too--and get help from your husband, church, school counselors, whoever you trust to support you in this role. People who minimize your responsibility for your son's well being and socialization aren't real helpful (but I guess you knew that already!). Good luck!!

Honestly. I would take the car away and buy him a bike. And tell him that until he can follow the rules he's going to be pedalling to work. I live in CT and in the last 7 mos about 10 teens have been killed in car accidents. And the majority of them were because of speed. One kid had already totalled another car and his parents bought him another one. So he took that one and killed him and his sister while he was trying to pass a turning car and lost control. If I was you, you need to do what's right for your kids and even though they think their grown you still need to protect him. Maybe if you take the car away he'll wise up. But since they think their 10 feet tall and bullet proof, it's not likely. Take it away for a month. And if it happens again, take it away longer.

K.,
I understand your reluctance to risk alienating him further, but when it comes to driving, there's more at stake than your son liking you. Family counseling (not just counseling for him) might help overcome other issues that may be going on with him, but regardless of that here's my advice:

Good kid or not, driving is a HUGE responsibility that comes with safety AND cost considerations. It is NOT an automatic right. It sounds like he needs more supervised practice before being allowed back behind the wheel solo, as demonstrated by the multiple accidents in a relatively short period of time, and then "forgetting" to inform you in at least one case, which is also irresponsible. Turn the tables and ask him what if you borrowed his I-Pod or computer, broke it and "forgot" to tell him? What would he expect of you?

You should hold him responsible for the costs he incurs in order to drive: gas, paying to repair damages that he causes, and even oontributing to insurance. Inform him that he needs to reimburse you for repair costs and start contributing to insurance and gas, and until he pays for the repairs, he'll need to drive only when you are in the car with him. This will give him the necessary additional practice and provide an incentive to pay you back quickly. It will require that you shuttle him around for a while again, but who knows...maybe it will be good for you both to spend the additional time together? When you are confident he's ready to try going solo again, you can renegotiate the terms, but I still think he should at least pay for direct costs incurred (gas and, God forbid, future damages). You might even say that if he causes any future damage he won't be allowed to use it again and will need to save to buy his own car. That's NOT unreasonable.

Forget about those who say you're being harsh; as his parent, you need to set the boundaries and provide him with the opportunities to learn how to take responsibilitiy for himself (and others, when he is on the road). You have the strength, but need to be resolved to stay firm where it's important to you. Bottom line, it's his safety that's at stake first, learning to be responsible for one's actions next, then the car and the convience of his freedom of movement last.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi K.,
I am not sure what you should do about your son and his driving but I felt I should write. In your letter you wrote that your son is a very depressed kid and that counseling in the past didn't help. My husband was a very depressed kid whose parents sent him to one counselor when he dropped out of school and then never brought it up again. Now we are married with children and are battling depression all over again. At one point he was hospitalized and lost his job. If he is depressed, please keep trying to find him help. I wish my inlaws had when it was only a dented car he had to worry about.