Not Sure What to Do.... - Columbus,OH

You talk to him and tell him the way you're feeling!! Maybe he's thinking the same thing and you both could get some dirty laundry aired out.

standard advice seems to be to remember the good stuff. I'm thinking in my own life, eh it wasn't ever great but the best at the time. I guess i try to think about the alternative which stinks if you have kids involved and just take it day by day. try to find things in life that you enjoy.
hope things get better.

Since he was not the person you would have picked to marry, why did you ever date him? Were you just keeping him around until you found someone else?

Anyway, if you can't find a way to be happy with him (via counseling or talking to him about how you are feeling), then I think you should get a divorce. I am not a fan of staying unhappily married just because you took vows. Good luck to you.

Gosh, I am so sorry. This is very sad to read. I am not sure what religion you are but if you are a Christian I would say to seek Christian advice and not take any advice from the world who so easily gives up on marriage. It is your responsibility to fix this, if not for yourself then for your kids. I am from a divorced family and I am now 38 and I still can't talk about my parents divorce without crying (its been 30 years). It really broke my heart and honestly I never healed. I am married and have two young kids, I know what it is like to feel alone sometimes when we stay home take care of kids and feel like we have no help. My husband and I just went to the :"Art of Marriage" put on by Family Life. Let me tell you, it was a wake up call to the both us. I feel like we are connected all over again and he is right there beside ready to help me without me asking and he does it with an awesome attitude. I am also a better wife, I was getting bitter and angry, I stopped focusing on myelf and started focusing on making my husband happy. You may not want to hear any of this. I just reallly pray for you to work hard on your marriage, go to councelling alone and also with him. I have heard a lot of happy ending after a person has gone through this, there is still a lot of hope for you. One last thing, remember you are setting an example to your kids how a wife should love and respect her husband and how a husband should love and cherish his wife. They are learning from you to become good husbands and wives.
The best of luck to you!!!

Is he a good person. Does he care about your well being? Is he a good provider? If he is decent man then I think you should change what you focus on. Think or write down all of the positive things he does or brings to the marriage. Perhaps you need to start "dating" him again. Don't let your marriage fall into the rut of daily life. Plan fun family activities, plan date nights with your husband alone and with mutual friends. Have sex. I could not dislike my husband because he just makes me feel so darn good;-). Get a hobby if you don't already have one. Feel good about yourself and perhaps you will start liking him more.

Do something drastic to get his attention. Say his first name before you speak to him so he will pay more attention.
Let him know how you feel.
Keep a journal for one week of what goes on each day hour by hour.
Leave it out after it's completed so he can read it.
make comments in it about how lonely you are.
make sure he thinks it's an accident that he snuck and read your journal.
If he reads your thoughts, and thinks its your personal diary, he might make some changes without ever saying anything to you about reading your journal.
Use your imagination and get him back.
My hubby has to yell at me now and then since I'm a mamapedia freak.... or he'll walk by naked and say "remember this?". It makes me get the message :)

Well I am going to come from what might seem like a really weird angle, but I actually think it is good that you have realized this. I mean if you don't like him, you just don't. If you were to continue on pretending it would probably drive you mad!! I think first, forgive yourself for all of it. Marrying someone you might not have been in love with etc. It is good to get real about things. Then in your situation, I think it would be good to think of yourself in an arranged marriage and go from there. It sounds like you really didn't know him when you married. So now I think just working on appreciating him is a start. What does he do that you can respect? Does he work, great. Does he love his kids, awesome. Does he treat wait staff at restaurants well, wonderful. You know, start focusing on every positive thing about him you can, no matter how small, do not dwell on the negative. Believe me many of us who are madly in love with our spouses have wanted to blow up the computer!!!!!! :D The thing is, you truly can love your husband no matter what. 90% of love is a choice. But in your situation, you are going to have to work your brain around the fact that you missed out on all the mushy stuff and have to just agree to love the man you have. He may not be perfect at all, but he is yours and you are his. I would never encourage you to be fake, but along with starting out with appreciation, also try turning you focus to being a great wife. What are things that he likes? How can you reach out to him? Like my husband loves Reeses so now and again some Reeses are on his pillow. And of course we all know that men and sex are a winning combination. Being available to him is important if the fires are ever going to start burning. I would never say how often or anything, but just make sure it does happen. I know it sounds like I am putting this all on you, but that is only because I am not a man, I don't attempt to teach my man how to be a father or husband bc I am neither. I leave that job to him, I made that choice in the beginning that whether or not he did his job, it wasn't my job and I would not get involved, he would have to work it out. All I can control is me and do whatever I can to be the best in every area of my life, woman, wife, mom, musician, lover etc etc.... All I can change is me, but as I change it affects those around me and good results always follow in time. I wish you well, and I am sorry to be freakin' long winded!!! My heart really goes out to you bc your situation is hard, but hang in there!!! I don't think it is fatal, just a bit of a tough road, but one worth staying on in my opinion. Good luck girl!!

Sorry for what you are feeling. However, I do not think that "not liking your spouse" is grounds for divorce religiously or legaly :) I would try and request a change in things.

Go to counseling together.

Wow.

Have you talked to him... like have a conversation? Not talking 'at' him?

How about you both go to Counseling?

How long have you been married?
Do you love him? Him?

Mostly sure, the hope is that you do 'like' the person you are married to.

Is this how you feel about him all the time? Or do you think it is just a phase?

Is he happy with you?

He doesn't listen to you.
Do you both ever just talk with each other? Or have intimacy?
Or are you both just 2 passing ships in the night, just avoiding each other in the house?

How old are your kids?
I'm sure... they must catch on, that the 2 of you, are not real close or that you do not like your Husband. How does that affect them?

I really don't have any answers.
It must be hard....

Marriage is not always idea, nor ideal everyday.
But you need to know, inside... that you still want to be with this person. And recognize your own issues in it.
It takes two.
Inside... how would you really feel... if he abandoned you?
Would you be happy? Or Happier?

Do you both do anything, together?

Just know that divorce will change your child.

Talk to a Pastor and get some counseling..... NOW!

It's all a matter of perspective. Think about when you first met and you were madly in love with him. You loved the way he looked no matter how he looked, you'd do whatever you could to be with him, you loved talking to him. Try talking to him and wooing him again. If you were to leave him, you might find yourself very lonely. If you fall in love with him again and woo him back to you, you might find yourself with a changed man who'll bend over backwards to please you and make you happy. That's what happened to me! Good luck!!

Counseling is your best option, IMHO. It sounds like he is withdrawing and you aren't dealing well with him. communication seems at a standstill (on both your parts - for different reasons, it seems). I think he is trying to tell you something too by acting this way and you need a third party to sort it all out between you.

Don't have an answer other than to say you have to follow your heart. I lived with someone for seven years and I broke it off because, honestly, I could not see myself growing old with him. I only pictured us being old and miserable. And to those who say divorce changes a child - so does living with parents who don't get along. As a child I PRAYED that my parents would divorce because they were so unhappy and made us miserable as well.

When you think of going in front of a judge and dissolving your marriage -do you picture yourself as happy and relieved leaving the courthouse or sad? That can tell you a lot. I've been through a period in the recent past of honestly not liking my husband -just not liking him -not wanting to be around him, just wanting him to go away,not liking anything he did, etc. I know I had a lot of other emotions and issues mixed up in that, and what I really needed was to get away myself for a little while, but through it all (and I came very, very close to filing for divorce and he knew it -and we both almost separated on a few occasions) -the thought of actually divorcing him made me incredibly sad. I felt like we had/have such potential and that divorcing him would just throw that away. We decided to try to live up to the potential. However, we dated, lived together and married purely because we wanted to and were in love, so we were coming from a different place to begin with.

I don't advocate being miserable in a relationship, and if you don't think you have potential and the thought of divorcing him actually makes you feel relieved -well-you don't need to waste time in misery. That also deeply affects your child. Have you ever loved him or been in love with him or was he just around at the time when you two were dating and you got pregnant? I don't think you have anything to lose by sitting down with him and laying all of this on the table. Give it a try -see what happens.

ut oh, he turned out to be human!!! eeeuu

K.,
It sounds like you already know what you want to do. I would agree with some of the other moms that divorce does change your child. My parents divorced when I was 23 and I was/am still crushed!
I would genuinely and with all your might make an effort to make it work, for the obvious benefit of your child and the not as obvious benefit for yourself. At the very least, if you give it a shot, you can learn a lot about yourself and your daughter will have a richer experience of life knowing that you didn't just quit.
You say that you don't like that he goes to the computer instead of having family time, well, I honestly don't blame him. He most definitely feels your dislike for him and that hurts. Who wants to be reminded of that constantly?
I think our culture is really dissolutioned by the fairytales we grew up with. So many of us have the expectation of a happily-ever-after life. Clint Black said it best (and I'm not a country music fan) "Love isn't what you're in, it is what you do." If you can learn to love someone you don't like, you can love so much more and so much better in this world.

Blessings to you.

How long have you felt this way? I think it's important to understand that it is normal to feel these sort of things at times, but that it should pass. He's human and so are you. Talk with him. Look at the bigger picture, is anything else going on with you that could be adding extra stress. I can certainly admit to feeling the same way often, but we have a newborn so things are stressful with the lack of sleep and the change in routine, we are both trying to balance what we want and need for ourselves along with the responsibilities we had before the baby and what we expect of each other now that he is here. Like I don't understand why when DH gets home from work, I have to sit with the baby is DH needs to use the bathroom, after all I am home alone with the kids 10 hours a day and manage to use the bathroom without anyone to help with the baby. Heck I'll even admit there are times I resent the heck out of him cause he gets to leave and I'm stuck here 10 hours a day and still have to nurse the baby, change the baby, and get up at night when DH is home. but again it passes, and it's normal. maybe not ideal, but normal. I love him and I love the family we have created and sometimes it sucks and is hard, but then today he got up at 4am with the baby, did the laundry and dishes and had my coffee ready when I got up at 6. When we try we are a great team, and that tells me that while things can be hard, we are generally good together.

My Dh likes his computer a lot too, and something I have a hard time dealing with is that he will come home and the most important thing for him is to check his email, and random websites and play whatever (dumb) game he is playing. It's hard because when he comes home I feel like I deserve some time off from the kids and the housework ect. BUT he did just work 10 hours and he needs some time as well and it just so happens that while I can find time during the day when the baby sleeps, the baby is up from 3 till about midnight every night, with only very short naps during which you generally can't put him down.

Have you talked to your husband about these issues? Have you considered counseling? If you don't want to try to work things out, then get a divorce. Staying together just for the kids isn't worth it.

Also, how long have you been together? Maybe you're just in a rut and need to change things up a bit. Try thinking about why you fell in love with him and see if you can fall back in love with him. Tell him you want to spend time alone with him. Be honest with him and tell him that you're frustrated with your relationship and you want to fix it.

Good luck!

what did you say in your VOWs when you got married?

what do you think God would say in answering your post? He was there for you when you said "I do" ...

Any couple should TALK about things that are problems for them... work them out! There are a few reasons that you CAN divorce and I don't think the ones you have are on the list ;)

Honestly, life is too short to spend it with people you don't like. This may seem like a callous opinion of marriage, but like I said, just being honest. I, too, married a man for the wrong reason. I thought he was a Christian. I didn't really like an other things about him, but I wanted a good Christian father for my kids. You can only fake it for so long. If your daughter is still very young, leave now before she is old enough to know what's going on.
Good Luck!

It sounds to me, you have your answer. You are just looking for people to validate it.

Follow your heart. It will be tough on you and everyone. I wish you all the best.

K.,
I only want to respond to the question of divorce. IF that is the way that you end up going, please know that there are MANY of us who have parents that divorced and we have gotten over it! Don't feel guilted into staying with someone solely because of your child. IMO, any adult who is still having issues with their parents divorce needs to get counseling to get over it. Because as an adult, and especially if one is a parent, one should realize that parents are just human and do the best they can. The divorce is between them, not the children. Yes, it's sad for the child, but.... really?? Have they put themselves into their parent's shoes? Have they looked at it from the parent's perspectives? I know that the divorce was very hard on my parents, and there is no way I would make them feel worse about it by whining about what it did to ME! It was never ABOUT me! And being an adult, I realized that, and moved on.

So, IF you decide to divorce, get a good counselor for the children, and yourself, and know that you'll all be okay.

Ask yourself this question...is it really your husband you dislike, or could it be you are not happy with yourself right now? Try focusing on making yourself happy and you might end up seeing him in a different light too. I find that sometimes when I am unhappy/bored/lonely with my life, I foolishly think it is my husband that is causing me to feel this way. Many times I just need to snap out of a mood, and everything starts looking better. Also, try thinking of all the things you do like about your husband and focus on that.

I've been married for 20 years...I can honestly say there have been times I couldn't stand my husband, and I'm sure he's had those times too. If I was this unhappy it was usually because I was either having a "fantasy life" or an emotional affair with someone. You know the "what if?". Make sure if you end it you try all the options out there..that way your not "what if-ing" about how you could still be happily married if only you would have....