Not So Friendly Friend

I could not stand this behavior in my house or around my kids.
I think you are amazing to have tolerated it this long.
I gave kids who were mean three chances to straighten up and told them if they could not stop, they could not come over. They are STILL mad two and three years later that I put my foot down. SInce you are neighbors, you might have to work out a situation where they are "busy" and will call him when they want to play.

Look, K., you're treating him as you would an adult. You need to stop doing that and treat him like a petulant child.

When he comes over tomorrow (and he will), have him come in and tell him to sit down on the couch. Sit down with him and have a serious conversation. Tell him that you are tired of him talking ugly to your family. Tell him that the next time he says "If you don't do this I am going to leave" and "Well you can't come play at my house because my mom doesn't like you" and things like this, that he has to go home. Tell him that you will no longer allow him to scream. If he starts screaming, he has to go home. And then STICK TO IT.

You are doing this child NO favors by allowing him to act this way. I don't believe your son has Tourette's. He is using behavior to get his way. Tourette's kids can't do that.

You will not be a bad neighbor for doing this. You will be HELPING this child in the long run.

Quite frankly, I wonder what your children will think later in life if you don't start putting some breaks on this child.

Dawn

With two kids of my own, I've had many, many children in my house over the years.

Trust me, the first time a kid tried manipulating or throwing a guilt trip was the LAST TIME. I did not tolerate that in my house, period.

I even had a couple of kids go home and tell their mom I was mean to them and I just came straight out with the truth about why they were sent home and why I didn't want them back unless their behavior changed. I didn't allow my own children to act that way, I wasn't going to allow it from someone else's child.

Most kids easily complied with my rules and there were no further problems. Some, however, believed it was their way or no way at all. They weren't allowed to come back to my house. NO kid is going to tell me, or my own children, how things are going to work in my house.

I don't think you're dealing with Tourette's. I think you're dealing with a child who thinks he's figured out how to get his own way. You don't need to worry about diagnosing him, that's not your place. Letting him know the rules he must follow while he's at your house is. If he can't follow those rules, he's not allowed over. Simple.

Just my opinion.
Best wishes.

My home is an "open" home as well, we have kids over a lot. But I have never had a problem telling a child it's time to go home, or letting them know what they're doing is not okay at my house or saying it's not a good time to play right now, either when they call or just show up.
You need to be the adult in your own home, and set and enforce the rules. If his parents ask why he was sent home just be honest.

This doesn't sound like Tourettes, this sounds like a spoiled brat.

If it were me, when he came to the door next time to play, be clear "I really didn't like how our playtime ended the last time. I expect that if you stay to play, you will speak to us in a friendly way, or you must go home right away."

You are the boss at your home. Be clear about your rules *right away* the next time he comes over, and then, if he doesn't mind them, "I see it's time for you to go now." No ifs, ands or buts. If he states "I didn't mean it", just remind him that it's time for him to go and you will see him next time.

For what it's worth, my home is NOT welcome and open to anyone-- only those who respect me and my rules. Children are always told the rules (only three rules, really-- "Keep the door open, no playing in the bed or in the closet" super simple) and then are expected to abide by them or quickly fix the problem.

Last week I was working at the school library, helping the kids check out books, and had a child scream at me because he had twice the limit of books checked out and I wasn't going to allow him to check out more. The first thing I explained to him was that "you may not scream at me, if you want to solve this problem, you must use a speaking voice". I addressed this calmly but firmly, and wouldn't you know, he figured it out. My guess is that for some kids, screaming at adults 'works' at home-- and then they do become nearly unaware of it. It's normal to them. Help him out-- address the yelling first and then make the plan going forward clear. If he chooses to continue yelling or throwing a tantrum, have him go home immediately.

i would have no problem telling this little fellow that it's time for him to leave. your home should NOT be 'open to anyone.' it should be open to any friends who are behaving well.
when he stops behaving well, he leaves.
period.
that's not being a bad neighbor. it's being a good parent.
khairete
S.

Wow. How old is this kid? He is using some tough techniques for getting his way. I agree that you need to set boundaries, they are for your protection not to punish. Its ok to severely limit the time he spends there. Nobody treats my kids that way. Special needs kids need to learn boundaries, also.
I can gaurentee he has learned this at home. Don't be surprised if you have to set boundaries with them also, don't be guilted into letting this kid rule your house.

As I have said before, the criteria for a good friend is not location, location, location.

You should have a talk with this mom. Tell her that unless you invite him over for playdates, he needs to stay home. Also inform her of his behavior and if he does this the next time he is over, send him home immediately again. Before playing go over rules with all the kids and emphasize that anything other than that will not be tolerated. You don't have to put up with this. Its not about being a nice neighbor or not---your kids are being hurt by this boy and he is out of control. GL

I think the best way to serve him and set an example for your kids is to lay out the boundaries and stick to them every time. Manipulation is not okay. Asking him to leave (very very calmly) is perfectly acceptable. You would be doing this kid a huge service and being a wonderful neighbor if he had some boundaries. If he has Tourettes, you are still doing him a service. If your husband knows about behavior modification, he'll know this too.

I had a neighbor kid who was over all the time. Half the time his mother didn't even know he had come over. The last time he was over he said that his mother knew he was there (which was a lie) and she said he could do whatever he wanted at my house. Now you know why it was the last time he was over. The kid is now 8 and has no friends in the neighborhood. His parents are weird so maybe he comes by it naturally. I do not allow my children to disrespect me and I won't allow anyone else to either. BTW my children were glad I told him not to come back.

I doubt it's Tourette's Syndrome. It sounds more like he's undisciplined. I would talk to your neighbor face to face and let her know that play dates need to be arranged with a phone call from her first in case it's not a good time. I would not allow him to try to emotionally blackmail your children, which he's probably seen at work in his own home, and the first time he does it give him a warning that he'll be going home. If he does it a second time then send him home.

Sometimes you have to just say no. There is one kid in our neighborhood that is not allowed in my home, I explained to him why. I feel bad about it, but it is just the way it has to be.

Ya know... when a child is trying to manipulate... others, I don't care how old the person is... I TELL THE CHILD DIRECTLY "Do not manipulate others to get your way. I KNOW what you are doing. STOP it, right now. Manipulating others is NOT nice...." and then I pause, and look the child in the eye. Until, they apologize.

I simply call the kid on it.
Or the adult.
That is the swiftest way to stop, manipulating.
Letting the person know, you know, what they are doing. And that it is WRONG.

And then in your case, tell the child to go home, or walk the child home and TELL the Mom.
This is your house after all. I would NOT let, some person/outsider ruin the demeanor of my own kids or home. Nor would I let them keep coming IN my house.
Sure, your home can be an open-door home. BUT that does NOT mean... you let in all kinds of people who ruin and denigrate the well being of your own kids or home.
There are BOUNDARIES and limits.

And keep in mind, that anyone (adult or child) who is MANIPULATIVE... are or can be... a Bully.
And I would hope that your kids, know how to SPEAK UP and stand up to kids like this and how to not be, a door mat to people like that.

I would not let this child in my house.
Anymore.
This is not about being a good or bad neighbor.
This is about, your home and this is your kids that you have to look out for. Why is this boy, being allowed... to bully the people/kids in your home?

Screaming is not allowed in my house.
When the screaming (my kid(s), the neighbor, who ever - it doesn't matter who it is) starts up - the play session is OVER and everybody goes home.
Lay down the rule.
Explain it to the playmate, your kids, his mother, and any/everyone else.
And be PROMPT about enforcing it - every single time.
Once everyone sees you won't budge on this - it should cut down on the arguing because they will find ways to get along or the kids who fight all the time won't come around as much.
Either way - it solves it for you.
You are not ever a bad neighbor for enforcing the peace in your home.

Regardless of whether the screaming is Tourettes, his manipulative behavior is a choice. Let him and your children know that he is welcome to come over if he behaves well, but cannot come over unless his behavior changes. That's not being a bad neighbor, it's setting rules for behavior in your home.

I had to do this a long time ago. We had moved and my son began playing with a neighborhood kid who would just send me up the wall. I was pregnant and one day I told her that she had to leave. My son would be upset and had had enough of her. Of course there was a language barrier but I somehow found the word and she understood.

It's your home, your rules and I would not have an open door policy for the kids to come and play. You can choose who youw ant in your home.

This is not about good or bad neighbors it is about your home and your children being happy. No one is allowed to turn your house upside down unless you allow it. The mother can come over and ask why and you can tell her in matter of fact terms. Not every one has to be a friend of every one.

Good luck.

The other S.

Video tape him or use your phone. Show it to the mom and ask her how she handles this type of behavior at home. That way she gets a first hand view of how he's acting. Then if she didn't know she can address it or she can share how they handle this at home.

I don't think being rude shows symptoms of tourette syndrome. It seems to me, he lack discipline and discretion.

If he comes back and displays such blatant outbursts, I would ask him if it is appropriate and if he can't figure it out...ask him to leave again.

No worries, you are being a good neighbor. Someone has to teach him.

I'm not sure that I understand your logic for not stepping in sooner. How old are the kids? Maybe you want to let them handle their own disagreements, but I reserve the right to butt in if there's any screaming going on in my house, no matter who it is or what the circumstances are. Also, after overhearing the first attempt at manipulation (if I'm thinking that my kids are old enough for me not to have to step in), I would have talked to my kids to see what they thought/felt about that and then maybe advised them how to handle it next time.

This doesn't sound like Tourette's, but he might have an issue. Or he might just be a brat.

You need to call the child on his blackmail, and he needs to leave as soon as he exhibits bad behavior. No fuss, just gather his things and walk him out the door and home.

Unfortunately my SD was just like your neighbor, minus the screaming. If the other kids didn't do what she wanted, she would threaten to leave, or she would walk away and sulk.

So I started actually leaving as soon as she exhibited this behavior. As soon as she'd make the threat (which we talked about NOT doing, but she did it anyway) I'd apologize to the kids and/or mothers, gather her things and we'd leave. The thing is, she didn't actually WANT to leave! If she was sulking, we'd leave as well. A few times she'd say "Good! I didn't want to play with them anyway!" but eventually she'd be sad.

It only took a few times of leaving for her to fix her behavior. Kids that are extremely spoiled often act this way because it WORKS! My SD used to act that way with her dad or her grandma and it worked like a charm. They didn't want the time they were spending with her to be "ruined" (because she also spent time at her mom's) so they'd give her her way.

She grew out of it, thank goodness! You don't need this child in your home, but if your son likes him then he needs to be managed. The no screaming rule needs to be put out at the beginning, it might help to state your expectations to both children. Then as soon as this child acts up, he is marched out the door.

Good luck!

Don't play into his games. When your children are done playing with him send him home. Just say ok play time is over goodbye "X" see you another day. and send him home. you don't have to explain and just because he lives in the neighborhood does not mean your kids have to be friends with him.

If he shows up to play, just dont let him in. His parents send him over because he is probably just as annoying at home. Not your problem to deal with him, especially if he is bullying your kids in their own house. I would explain to your kids whats going on, 'little johnny doesnt play nice, so when he comes over, I am going to tell him we are busy and not let him in'. They may be relieved. And you shouldnt have to continue being his parents free babysitter.

I wasn't thinking of him being a special needs kid (I also work with special needs) my first thought was it has something to do with his home life.

Either he has seen this behavior at home, especially towards him. So like maybe his parents do the same thing to him and so he knows it works OR he does it to them to get his way.

The other thought I had was that he so badly wants friends and doesn't have any and so he goes about it the wrong way.

Either way, he needs to learn that he can't get anything by giving others guilt trips. He needs to learn that lesson sooner rather than later and if he's not going to learn it at home then what you did above was teaching him that lesson.

Sure, you can go and talk to his parents about his behavior but I really doubt it's going to matter any. You may get an inside view of what his home life is like but that may be about it.

Just talk to your kids about him and make sure that they stand up to him. Don't give in. He will eventually learn that he can't guilt his way or bully his way into doing what he wants and either change his attitude or leave.

My son has tourettes. He is only 5, and he knows when he is doing his ticks. He sometimes cant help them but he knows that he is doing them. He just sounds kind of obnoxious. Have you ever tried talking to the childs parents? Maybe they could have a talk with him. Otherwise I wouldnt really put up with him and dont allow him over.

I didnt see an age of your kids or the neighbor friend. But the threatening to go home is just par for the course with all kids. I have literally seen every kid that has ever been to my house pull out the "well then I want to go home act". Sounds to me like you were more mad at the child's mom - for possibly saying she did not like your son? I would encourage all parents to tread lightly in this situation dont take out your frustration with her on her child - (the sins of the mother and all) Maybe she said it, maybe she didnt but you should be confronting her on it either way as I know I would not want my kid playing at someone's house where they were not welcome.

I just had this same situation happen in my neighborhood - an actual mom bad mouthing a 6 year old girl to basically anyone who would listen - it wasn't my daughter another child in the neighborhood and I finally had enough and had a big confrontation with this mom and told her she needed to shut the F up- that she sounded physcho talking about this kid and then tried to have her reflect on how she might feel if she heard someone talking about her daughter in this way. Us mom's need to stick together and back each other up not fight our kids fights. If my kid is at someone's house I would expect that mother who is supervising to treat my kid the same as her own - if that comment warranted a time out then put my kid on time out. But all parents should realize that their kids may do bad things at other's houses and we should all be helping each other to teach kids right and wrong.

If you really are concerned for this kid I would suggest being a good neighbor / friend and talking to the mom about the behavior if you feel it's that big a deal. Maybe he does have a medical problem and the parent's dont want to share the information as they could be afraid that he will be labeled or shunned.

Just tell the mom that you will be amenable to having her son over from time to time by invitation.