Not High on Your Spouse's Priority List, How to Deal with It?

Im not a man hater or anything but I feel like when you say the girls love him, it really means they are starved for attention. The marriage can work if you have excitement and zest for the relationship. Is there a spark? do you want to grow old with him and love everything about him? if not, you need to talk about it and then go from there. I wish you the best and hope it works out. people have their bumps, but if neither of you want to change- it worrisome. you should want to do anything to stay together imho.

Write up a chart, or something, that has free time for you in it. I think if you put it in terms of scheduling time for you, vs. telling him HE takes too much free time, he will be more open to it. If you schedule it in advance, then there will be no room for argument.

In terms of housework, I think you should expect, since you are a woman, that you will do at least 80% of it. Women are usually more efficient at it, and they care more about it. I've always done more than my husband, but then I have more energy than he does, and I'm better in most ways. :)

I just focus on having him do "man" things -- household repair and car stuff. That kind of division of labor makes for less argument.

It's called D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!! I got sick of being the low priority person in my ex's life and his staying out half the night after I made dinner,cleaned the house and cleaned up after dinner, bathing kids and putting them to bed, pacing the floor waiting for the knock at the door that he was dead. Who needs it? I knew it was time to look for a divorce attorney when I hoped he was dead because then at least I would know where he was.

Counseling might help, but he has already proved he doesn't care about you or the kids.

I agree with the Bug and Toni. Sucking it up will make you miserable and depressed and it will affect your children. Part of being a good father is being a good husband to the children's mother. This is not just how marriage is. You and the children should be numero uno on his priority list. A good marriage is both of you making 100% effort. Marriage can be work but working together to make it a happy life together is what makes for a happy marriage. ( I hope that makes sense). Plus, if you're unhappy and just sucking it up that is what your children will see and may later emulate. I watched my mom stay in a marriage where she was unhappy and just stayed because that's what she thought she should do. I stayed in relationships because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. It took therapy and the luck of meeting my husband to realize different. He does bonehead stuff and makes me want to kick him sometimes but we both work hard to make our relationship healthy. And if there is something I am unhappy about I can tell him and we work it out. And vice versa.
Good luck to you. I hope you two consider couples counseling. I don't think that the marriage you are describing work as it is- at least not happily. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you.

Training a husband is a work in progress. He is being disrespectful. You might leave a little paperwork laying around that shows how much alimony and child support is these days, it might make him think.
Rather than resenting his freedom you might try to find a few things you can do to make yourself happy as well. Marriage takes a long time to fine tune, by the time you guys are my age you'll have it all worked out. Early years with kids are just hard. Remind him of his duties now that he's a husband and father, but also find things to do for yourself without him as well. Men like independent women, it keeps them on their toes.

Good dad, provides well, if nagged will help???? So what kind of husband wife relationship do the two of you have? If that's all you need, then by all means, just "suck it up". If you want a husband the two of you need to do some work together. If that will not happen, suck it up for now, make a plan for you and your kids, and when you have enough to sustain yourself, move on and let your man party on UNLESS he considers his family more important then a party.

Blessings.....

ok so here's my first thought. I feel like as my kids have started growing up more, they are in elem now. My needs and what i want from my husband has changed alot. when i was a SAHM and the kids were babies, I Was counting down every second until he came home. now the kids and i have our activities and if daddy decides to go out and play golf and not be home with us for the fourth of july then we will do what we had planned to do with out him and HE is the one missing out. and life goes on, Because like you said for the most part he is a good dad, he would have to be pretty awful for a little kid not to love their daddy. And as far as chores go, that isn't a deal breaker for me.

my second thought is, if these mama's are saying you should divorce the bum, then what would that look like?? that would look like bopping your kids back and forth for shared custody, Still dealing with the jerk, him doing what ever he wanted with them when you aren't around to supervise because it's his weekend and he just left them at grandmas again so he could go out riding, seeing him possibly married to someone else and having more kids. Would you even be ready financially/ knowing your legal rights, to walk out the door right this minute??
So while i don't think what he is going is ok, and you and the kids really should be his first priority, I also think things could be a lot worse and if you can make it though a few more years and get some outside support/friendship from your family or work or friends or even counseling if you need it. I think you can make it. It isn't always pretty, but from what you wrote it doesnt sound disasterous either.

My thing in regards to being a priority is this ... I do not always have to be number one but I have to be in the top three at all times. There are even occasions where top 5 is acceptable however it is discussed as to why before if possible. When it is not happening we discuss what is going on. I honestly think all you need is some good lessons on communication and actually put them to use.

I'm with Reverend Ruby.... Sounds like my ex. Cept i found out while he was out he was also not wearing his wedding ring and picking up girls. I just filed for divorce in April. I would have stuck it out though if i hadn't found out he was cheating.

OMG my husband is the hugest social butterfly on earth. Drives me nuts when we can't even carve out a Christmas day to ourselves without a million conflicting social scenarios. He's on the road traveling most of the year and when he's home little by little he starts lining up social engagements with our local friends. First one time per week, then several, then every day/ night, up to sometimes several times a day. I'm always invited, but hardly ever want to go. Or he's off jetting to see family or friends all over the country, even if he's only home from tour for a few days. We'll wait months for him to have two weeks off, only to discover he's going to go visit his parents during one of those weeks. Since he travels so much, he knows millions of people and there's always a wedding or funeral or social event somewhere in the nation. No weekend camping trip with old not-so-close friends is too minor or too far away. How many times have I said, "Um no, actually our whole family is not going to fly to your distant twice removed ex step nephew's wedding (who you never met) just because they sent an invitation". Budget never succeeds in holding him back-since he tours for a living he's always got airline miles to cash in and is happy for any couch to sleep on. To be honest, I thought he would outgrow it. 10 years and 3 kids later, I get it. He won't.

The only reason it works for us (and it may not forever-only because I've had to handle every major emergency here without him -which gets old) is that I'm an uber hermit who LOVES time alone and doesn't mind being the one home with the kids all the time. If he's home, and I want to go do something, he always supports me. We trade jobs and favors to make up for all the "going out" time he gets. "OK honey, you can go over to John's and listen to music all night AGAIN, IF you take the recycling and mow the lawn first and then take the kids to the pool. Voila. Work done, kids entertained, whole day to myself, and whatever movie I want to watch while he's gone having man time listening to music and talking about the same mundane alien conspiracy theories all night. He's paying the bills, and I'm a full time sahm "taking a break" after a long FT career (having 3 kids under 5 is a cake walk compared to what my job was like), so I feel blessed and lucky to be doing what I want to do, even if he's not home a lot. He actually gets on my nerves if he's home to much :-0. I'm so conditioned to him going out, if he's been hanging around the house for 2 consecutive nights I'm like, "what are you doing here?"

On some level you have to be OK with it, because forcing him to stay in all the time isn't going to make him a happy camper.

I think you need to draw up a plan that YOU NEED each week including the windows of time and activities you need HIM to do, throw some in for yourself-trip to the store alone, girl's night, whatever and also be supportive of his leisure time in that schedule too. Schedule it all.

If you cant' find ANY common ground, it may be futile, but you can probably improve things by accepting he needs to go out, just making sure he also does his duty at home. If it doesn't work out, you can marry a home body next time around (not trying to be cavalier about it, but some people are social to the extreme).

I know friends whose spouses are ALWAYS HOME, and NEVER do stuff without them. That's a personality type. You can't force it.

Your husband doesn't sound that extreme actually. I bet you can find some middle ground.
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woops, just read your update. these problems are bigger. You need to be happy. Good luck working on this, the dishonesty and disrespect is not OK. He's making you feel like you're not worth the effort. You may want to let him know he's not trapped if he wants a separation and wants to move out and see how he takes it. Right now, he feels you trying to get him to comply with your ways. It' not wrong, but it never works if he has different ethics and priorities. Maybe if he knows he could lose you, he won't be playing so hard to get. Best wishes, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sucking it up will leave you unhappy. I don't see how this can just smooth over and go away. Marriage counseling, is really worth it. You both expect different things, want different things, and different things bring you fulfillment. (Your marriage does not sound fulfilling to me, I'm sorry to say. That doesn't just change for the better, without lots of hard work.) Yes, counseling.

Make a schedule for "time out alone". You each get X amount of time each week, and stick to it. If he is unwilling to stick to the schedule, that is very disrespectful and I would suggest seeing a marriage therapist. Time out with guy-friends and girl-friends is important, you just both need to be on the same page.

He is not a keeper! He'll be a good visiting Daddy. Get yourself a man who is your friend and for whom you are the primary relationship not his motorcycle or his friends.
Go to a lawyer before you start negotiating with him. Figure out his assets first, as he is so self serving he is more than likely to try to cheat you out of everything.
Many of the Mamas on this site will tell you our subsequent marriage was so much better. I certainly can say so.

How often is he gone? During what times is he gone?

Do you plan any time for just you? It doesn't sound like it, due to your resentful tone. He is not going to do it for you, you need to take the initiative, make some plans once a month (or whatever works for you) & take the "you" time you need. This is where I don't understand a lot of women - they complain that their SO's get a ton of alone time & they don't get any. Take the time for yourself, end of story. That's what I do.

You say he comes home late because he knows you'll be mad no matter what. This statement spoke volumes to me, because it sounds like either you don't want him going out, period, or at least, that's how he perceives things. He deserves time out just like you do. Do you not trust him, or not want him to go out at all? If so, I think that's unfair.

Also, regarding the lateness when he goes out, I have done the same thing... it's kind of a running joke that when I have a mom's night out & I say "I'll be home by x o'clock" that we both pretty much know I will run way later than that, because I lose track of time when I'm having fun with my girlfriends. The difference is that DH doesn't make an issue of it because he trusts me & knows I'm just having fun & not doing anything bad. He doesn't try to get a hold of me because he knows who I'm with & that I'll be home soon. I'm not always late, sometimes we just go to dinner & a movie, but he never complains about my time out.

I guess I'm wondering just what's so awful about him going out or running late? Do you not trust him? Is it resentment? Or are you just looking for things to be upset about? Or are there other issues at play here? Also, I think letting your kids see you upset is not good.

I'm sorry, but a basically good dad who occasionally goes out & stays out later than you deem appropriate is not a reason for divorce. Anyone suggesting that here is being a bit dramatic, IMO. I think what needs to happen is a compromise. He goes out during x day for x amount of hours, and you get the same amount of time out.

He has a serious lack of respect! What would he say if you were to get a sitter and go out one night with your friends. I would try it just to see what kind of response you would get from him. Also, if you really do want to make the marriage work try to find a good counselor. It done wonders for my relationship. He may provide well for you don't want to put yourself and your children through a life of unhappiness. Especially if the arguments get rather ugly or violent. Trust me........ It affects a child tremendously. The things they learn from us will continue on in their own life. It makes me sick to have to see my daughter in the same kind of relationship with her man as I was with her Father. If I would have left sooner she would have never learned all those bad things. I have spent a tremendous amount of time telling her she should never settle for someone treating her with disrespect. No matter what I've said or how often has made no difference. And that's because she has LEARNED it by watching her parents. I hope things work out for you. You deserve respect and you deserve to be happy. That's what marriage is supposed to be about.

You should seek counseling. I'm sure there is more to this than him just wanting to go out and do his thing. There is a dynamic between the two of you that needs to be worked on. Seriously, seek counseling. If he's a good dad then the marriage is worth trying to save. You fell in love with him for many reasons. Go find someone who can help the two of you get back on track,

You need to get some marriage counseling. Husbands should respect their wives, and yours certainly doesn't respect you at all.
Husbands need time to be with their guy friends, but not calling is irresponsible, stupid, and sophomoric! He'd be completely irate if you or one of your girls went out and didn't call...
Get some counseling or get out. You deserve to be treated so much better.
LBC

If he goes out once a week with his buddies-fine. If thats the arrangement, there really is no need to call him while hes out. If he gets a night out, then you do too!
Now, from what it sounds like, he is gone a lot, is very disrespectful to you, and very immature.
Nope, its not "just how marriage is" and I dont see it functioning properly if it keeps up this way. I wouldnt put up with it. Somethings gotta give and soon!

No, this isn't just how marriage is.

Yes, I think it can work, if you both want it to, and you go to marriage counseling- otherwise nothing will change. If he won't go, it will even be helpful if you go alone.
Best wishes! :)

Added: I just read your update, and your situation is much worse than I originally thought it to be. Cheating changes everything- and I agree with you that sexting is cheating. No, you absolutely shouldn't just suck it up.

Also, it sounds like he doesn't want to make it work (which makes me think he may be cheating now). I think you'd be much happier taking the children, and moving near your family where you would have a support system- you'd have to look into the legalities of that.

Maybe it would work if you tell him that you'll give him the divorce he so obviously wants, but that you want to live with the kids in _____ so you can have the help of your family. He can come and visit the kids whenever he wants.

Start by talking to a lawyer first so that you know what your rights are. I don't know what your financial situation is, but here is a link that may help if you will have difficulty affording a lawyer.

http://www.lawhelp.org/

I know things are difficult right now, but this doesn't have to define your future. You CAN find happiness again =o)

Best wishes.