Not Enough Time for SAHM

How do you do it? You just do what you can and don't worry what other people think. I stayed home with my kids, and NEVER had a clean house. I only have 2, also. Your neighbor - no matter what she says - doesn't have it ALL together. If she has her house clean, then her kids are probably having to entertain themselves. Also, she has plenty of kids so they entertain each other. The first and foremost important duty you have is taking care of your kids - the house comes after that. I never have clean laundry when I need it, my dishes pile up, and I perpetually have an inch of dust on my furniture. But, my kids are happy and I am BUSY watching them grow up. Just do that - you will be far happier in the long run. The house can wait - the kids can't. Take care and ENJOY your family!

Dear Becky,

I'm the same as you and Candy...and my 3 kids are older (6,7,9) than yours and entertain each other quite often. There is just alot to do to keep house. I'm thankful that I have a husband that understands this. I wonder too if you might be a perfectionist like me. If you are a perfectionist at heart, you may tend to see what needs doing more than others. And a perfectionist tends not to do something if it can't be totally completed at the time of starting.

I've learned to do a little bit of each thing each day. I do a few dishes, some straightening, some going through mail stacks, some etc. each day. That way I can see a little improvement each day and it gives me some hope for the next day. And who cares what other people think? As long as your not playing video games all day or goofing off! And I can tell by your letter that you aren't.

Also, keep in mind that some people's personalities help them move faster and get more done. I can work hard all day and get half as much done as my sister. Its just a difference in personalities. Its the way God made us! Everyone is different!

Hope this help! Please know that you are not alone.

Blessings,
A. S.

The short answer: I don't.
I wish I had saved a response to another SAHM who had the same lament, but I will try to say the same thing here.
The fact is that you don't actually have "more" time when you're at home. You have "different" time. The reality is that you can spend your whole day picking up and the kids will go right behind you un-doing everything you've done. And you can spend time doing laundry only to have your 3 yr old pee on her bed and have to change bed sheets and do another load of laundry. So, instead of getting the dishes done, or possibly relaxing (what's THAT?), you've been sucked into another chore...

The first thing I had to learn when I came home after having my second is that I had to adjust my expectations. Yes, you can do some housework, but you can only expect to do ONE thing per day. If, by some miracle, there's opportunity to get 2 household tasks done in one day, you will seriously have to weigh that opportunity against the opportunity to eat your lunch or shower without interruption.
In a day, I can likely expect to vacuum, but not mop. I might be able to accomplish light dusting before I vacuum, but I'm not holding my breath. I only JUST figured out that I can take a bottle of Fantastic and a roll of paper towels with me to the bathroom when my 3 yr old is taking a bath and I can clean the bathroom while she plays in the tub. I actually cleaned one bathroom TWICE in a month. Definitely an accomplishment since it's usually 6 weeks or so between cleanings (or a frantic clean-up minutes before company arrives).
Laundry and dishes are the never-ending chores, so the goal is to do one load of laundry most days of the week. ONLY one load. In reality, I will put a load in the washer one day, move it to the dryer the next day when I add another load to the washer, on the third day that initial load makes it into the laundry basket, and I dress the children in the laundry room for the next couple days....
Dishes -- UGH! -- I do them once a day. Yes, we put plates, etc. in the dishwasher after meals, but as far as scrubbing pots and pans and any major kitchen cleanup, it happens once. You have to pick when that can happen. For a while it was at night after the kids went to bed, but that was cutting into my time with my hubby. Now, he either helps with kitchen cleanup at night, or I just do it all after breakfast when the kids are playing happily on their own (it took me a while to realize this was just their natural play time during the day when they didn't need me to interact with them).
Picking up toys is another never-ending task. We have lots of baskets and storage bins and we pick up once a day, maybe twice. We used to pick up before nap, then once again right before Daddy came home (mainly so he could have a path through the living room). Now I toss it all in containers some time around 4:00 and let them have the sacred hour of DVD watching or play outside.
Oh, and they also get the last half hour of sesame street in the mornings so I can prepare lunch.

Family meals? Ha! You only THOUGHT you'd get to cook!! I use my crock pot as much, if not more, now as when I was working full time. In fact, this is why I started the 4:00 video hour, so that I could pick up a little and get dinner started.
Of course, the children tend to melt down about the time Daddy is due to arrive, so after his comment about "it makes me not want to come home" I had to come up with a way to have happy children at the worst hour of the day. So, we agreed that dinner didn't need to be ready when he arrived, that it was more important to arrive to a peaceful house. So I will often stop dinner prep to get on the floor with them and play, or take a walk outside, or race cars across the floor, or whatever. Those few minutes of "mommy time" right before daddy gets home make a WORLD of difference in their moods. Then, daddy happily takes them on to play with them, etc. while I finish dinner.

This is all kind of out of order, so I hope you follow....
But I also realized early on that there is a direct relationship between me spending quality time with the kids and the cleanliness of my house. More of one means less of the other.

You also want to remember that you still have a baby in the house. The first year of a baby's life is a hard time. They are really needy, and take more time than you realize.
And it's hard when you need to sit down to feed the baby, because that's the moment your older child will call out needing to potty or need some sort of attention.. We watched way more TV in the first year after my son was born, but it was the only way I could sit and feed him without having to worry about what my daughter was doing. I found myself coming up with a list of ways she could be occupied while I tended to the baby. In some instances, like diaper changing, she could help. Other times, she'd watch TV, play with the leap pad, have a snack, or play on the computer (www.starfall.com or sesamestreet.org).

But regardless of the various coping methods, it was still a hard year.

It helps too if you can figure out when to have time for yourself. Maybe there's a time when the kids are napping at the same time. Maybe your daughter can play alone in her room for 20 minutes while the baby takes a morning nap. I know that long after my daughter dropped her morning nap, I still enforced a "rest time" while the baby napped in the morning, just so I could have a minute of peace!

Anyway, I hope this helps. You're not alone out there!

Becky,

My two girls are a little older than your children, but I have struggled with the same issues. It can make us feel very incompetent! But the truth is, the most important thing you can do is put your kids first in every way - give them lots of love and attention, stay consistent on discipline and training, make sure you have lots of fun together - these are the things that will build their security, trust, and attachment to you and your husband. I wish I had had more encouragement in that when I had my first baby, and again when I had my second! Make sure your husband reads everyone's responses. You need his support and belief in what you're doing, and what you're NOT able to do. Here's a great poem that sums it up:

Today I left some dirty dishes; the bed got made around 3:30.

The diapers soaked a little longer, the odor grew a little stronger.

The crumbs I spilled the day before are staring at me from the floor.

The fingerprints there on the wall will likely be there still next fall.

The dirty streaks on those windowpanes will still be there next time it rains.

Shame on you, you sit and say, just what did you do today?

I held a baby till she slept, I held a toddler while she wept.

I played a game of hide and seek, I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.

I pulled a wagon, sang a song, taught a child right from wrong.

What did I do this whole day through? Not much that shows, I guess that's true.

Unless you think that what I've done might be important to someone with beautiful eyes and beautiful hair, if that is true - I've done my share.

(author unknown)

About your neighbor with six kids - don't know her motive for what she said, but don't be intimidated or feel ashamed. She either doesn't remember that is is hard with even just one (if you're doing it "right"!), and she may be envious to think you actually do have more time, but the truth is, you don't. Especially with a newborn. And remember your body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, so give yourself a little nurturing, too! Most important is husband's support and your view of yourself. Love on those kiddos and don't sweat the rest. If there is life and love in your home, chances are the floor is dirty and something else is undone, too. Life is messy! Be glad you have such sweet lives in that home, and revel in the mess!

God bless,
S.

Quit being so hard on yourself! Who cares if your house isn't spotless. The most important job you have is taking care of your kiddos and your husband! As long as you're not living in filth, which I know you're not, then don't worry so much! I also stay at home (2 kids...8 months and a 12 year old in school) and can never seem to accomplish everything I want to (even with the help of my oldest!). I find the best way for me to get the most done is when my daughter naps. Also, I notice that when we have lazy days (not even getting out of our PJ's until 2 pm!) I don't get ANYTHING done! So I have to force myself to get up and ready as if I were going to a job outside of the home and for some reason, that gets me motivated to take care of more household duties. Once my baby wakes up, I quit and focus the rest of my day on her, my oldest when she gets out of school and then my honey when he gets home form work. Works for us!! And I've had no complaints!!! :) Just do what you can and prioritize - make a "schedule" of things to get done that week and do them in order of importance...except for laundry...that's a never ending chore! Our's has to be done daily so it doesn't get backed up and into a pile taller than the washer! And by the way, I bet your husband wouldn't even notice the house wasn't perfect if you didn't bring it up! :)

This is my most favorite "foward e-mail" Enjoy!!!! :-D

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The short answer to you question "how do you do it all" is...I don't! My only child is now 18 months old. I only work one to three days a week. I have been through the same feelings and asked those same questions. I felt better when I finally figured out that "stay at home mom" does not mean house keeper. Your daily priorities are not keeping up with housework. Your job now is caring for your children. That is a full-time job. Now that you don't work outside the home that does not mean that you suddenly have more time for laundry. It means that you suddenly have more time for you children. If some laundry gets done in the middle of some teaching and loving your kids, great! If not, don't sweat it, you were at work. Give yourself a break. Any mother that has a spotless house is probably missing out on quality time with her kids (unless of course she pays someone else to clean the house!)

I just remember how important it is to be home with my children! The house can wait...as long as it's not "dirty" it's okay that it's messy. your children will remember the playing you did, the places you went, not the mess. Try not to fret and it'll come. You can try and make it fun and games with your older one. let her help you put the laundry in and take it out...Good luck!

Just remember, you are a stay-at-home MOM, not a housekeeper. I mean it's great to get stuff done, but don't stress over it. I know its hard to think this way when there is stuff everywhere, but the kids won't be this age very long. And remember, every stage of childhood has something in it to which we say, "I can't wait for this to be over" And, when they are teenagers, and we find ourselves saying I can't wait for them to move out. Soon they do, and we look back and wonder where all the time went - but, your house will be clean. Just do what you can do, but remember, your kids are only young once.

Hi Becky,

You don't get it all done either way! Way to go for SAHM!! Another plug for us! It is tough to do it whether you work or not and yes your dh does expect things to be done since you are at home, but let him in on a secret, when you are home and your kids are home, guess what, the mess stays at home! Just think about it, when you go to work, no one is at home to make any messes and therefore it looks so much better when you get home, but when you are at home, it looks worse simply for the fact that you are there!!

To make my cleaning duties easier, I take it one thing at a time. I am a big believer in lists and I write down what needs to be done for this week and try to get at least 2 things done per day. Picking up the toys and straigtening while the kids are occupied or sleeping also helps. Planning a dinner menu also helps too so that you know what you will need to take out for dinner that evening. It also saves $$ on going out to eat all the time.

I also have a cleaning person come semi-monthly to help w/all the yucky stuff I hate to do like my floors and bathrooms. This helps out tremendously and so all I have to do is maintain those areas.

It is tough whether you have 1 child or 6, so just remember that you CANNOT DO IT ALL, or you will miss all those precious moments w/your kids and that is really the reason we SAHM do so...to be with them and allows us MOMS to be the first in everything for them.

I also have my son in MDO 3 times a week, so that gives me so time for me and to get those things done quicker without him around. Errands, grocery shopping etc..

Good Luck!

G. B.

Don't stress about the mess! I don't know about you, but being a stay at home means spending time with kids, not parking them in front of the t.v. so I can clean house. If I wanted someone or something else to raise them they would be in daycare. LOL We keep busy in the house & stay gone a lot at parks and doing other activities - there is just no time to sweat the small stuff. So, enjoy that your house is messy because it means you are all having a great time and that you are focusing on the important things (your kids). I told someone on Friday, that my house is clean underneath all of the mess!

Oh Becky...you sound like me. Unless you totally ignore your kids, there is no way you can get everything done. I have talked with lots of other moms who have felt the same way-work is never done and there is never enough time. ALL SAHMs have gone through this. My girls are 2 1/2 are just now starting to play somewhat independently, but I still always have laundry to do, toys to pick up, deep cleaning is like once a month, I am happy if I can vacuum every other day, etc. I try to priortize, clean as I go, and try not to be hard on myself. At work, we can complete projects, but when you have little kids interupting all the time-different ball game. The ineffieceny at home itself can be depressing. Some days my house looks great, other days it looks like a tornado came through. Your neighbor is clueless-or being sarcastic! DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!!!

What I say to my hubby is that his job is to leave and go to work and make the money every day, my job is to raise our 2 children everyday, and our jobs together is to take care of the house. I do the general cleaning/picking up around the house. If I do have time to do anything more, I will do it. It usually takes 2 days to complete the laundry! I started a while back with us having "Family Cleaning Day" once a week. Ours is on Sunday. This is when we all help out and do the sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms, change bed sheets, etc. Now we do not always get everything done, but mostly. It helps to have a specific time set aside and then just hope it works out as planned!!!!

Or you could also make a schedule of the week and put one major chore on each day, like the sweeping/mopping on Monday, vacuuming Tuesday, etc. and just do the general pick-up everyday. This way the chores get done once a week.

Mine are just turned 5 and 23 mos, so they can entertain themselves for a little while, but I do not stress out about cleaning all the time. I just want to love, play with, and raise my children. I do not want them to grow up and remember me just cleaning all the time instead of playing with them.

When I was a SAHM, I fretted over the same stuff. And then, I had a revelation. When I am on my deathbed, I don't want my family gathered around me saying "Gosh, she kept a clean house." I wanted to enjoy the time I had with my baby, mainly b/c she was going to be my one and only, but I really don't think that even mattered at the time. My house stayed reasonably clean (not spotless, but not gross, either.) and I learned that other moms can bring up all kinds of unpleasant feelings if you let them. The key is--your house, your rules, don't compare yourself to others, and keep a sense of humor. Read some Erma Bombeck sometime when the kiddos are napping. You'll laugh your head off!! It's such a short time in our lives that our little ones are little...I think we should spend it building those bonds that last a lifetime.

You don't do it all! I am a SAHM of two very active children, 32 months and 9 months. I too have the same situation and I have come to terms with dead plants from neglect and a messy kitchen most of the time. I am finatical about cleanliness and sometimes it is hard for me to look at the mess. However, when my baby wants to nurse and my toddler wants to play ball....what do you do. If I had a dollar for everytime my husband says " I don't have any clean underwear" I would be rich:)

Ok... granted.. I only have one little guy.. but something that has helped is teaching him where to keep his toys. He can play with is toys in his room... or only play with a few things in the living room. This keeps things from being a constant disaster due to toys. As for everything else... it's tough to keep up. It always helps me to just set aside 30 minutes- an hour to just clean. It's amazing how much you can get done in such a short amount of time... when you know you have a time limit. If you can do this once in the morning and once later in the afternoon.. then that helps a lot. Laundry is a continuous thing... unfortunately! Another thing we did, was I gave my husband the chore of bathing our son in the evening. I cooked dinner... we all ate... then my husband spent some quality time with the boy, while I cleaned up the table.

Now my house isn't always spotless (I've never been much of a duster)... but these things have helped me out!

Good luck!

How do you do it all? You don't. You do what is important. That is to be with your kids. If they were in daycare, those daycare workers would just be caring for the children--not trying to do all the cooking, the housework, parenting tasks, laundry, etc. So you can't get it all done either. Your job is to raise your kids. I raised 5 children. One day, you will clean your house and it will stay clean---that is the day your children are all gone---and it will be kind of sad. Enjoy every moment you have with them now.

First off give yourself a break. You just had a second baby 5 months ago and that in itself takes tons of energy and organization to keep both baby and sibling happy. I was in the same boat as you...went back to work after first and then stayed home after I had the second. I also thought that I should be getting everything done but was not making any progress. As my second one got older (20 months now)things started to fall into place and the house started to look better. I just usually vacuum the main areas of the house everyday and pick up the toys and put them back into the playroom as I vacuum. Just don't feel guilty about not having the perfect house. I also just started to use flylady as mentioned in another reply and although it seems a little overwhelming from time to time I am actually getting organized. Good luck

A three year old and a five month old are a lot to handle. I have stayed home since my daughter was born 4 years ago and I still haven't got it down to a science. You could litterally spend all day doing nothing but picking up toys and you would go crazy in the process. What I found was that my daughter, who was three when my son was born, like most young ones love to help Mommy! My daughter likes to help sort laundry, fold laundry (yea it's not going to be up to your standards), she helps load and unlaod some dishes (the non breakables or sharp ones), and pick up toys (I usually give her a bit of direction here so they don't end up on her floor). I also like keeping a basket in the living room to keep some of the toys in because it makes it easy to pick them up quickly when someone is coming over. Try to do just a couple of things a day instead of doing it all at once. I save things that require more attention for when my son is napping and sometimes wait until my daughter is in bed. Being a SAHM is a lot of work, and I have yet to meet a Donna Reed or June Cleaver type mom who manages it all. Those that claim to are either just putting up a front or have more help than they are admitting to! Also, I get help from my husband. The two kiddos alone are a full time job themselves, and adding regular house duties to that creates even more. If you ever feel like your hubby doesn't think you are holding up your end, leave him alone with the kids and everything one Sat. or Sun. and take a day off. He will change his tune very quickly!

Your kids wont remember the mess - they will remember you always being there for them.

:)

At least that's what I keep telling myself!!!

I know this is unrelated, but try getting involved with La Leche League! It's a great place of support for breastfeeding moms, not just in breastfeeding, but also in mothering and you might get some tips on managing your household. You're doing a great job in mothering your children!

Check out www.flylady.net

you know what? i have one kid whos 9 months old and my house is not spotless 24/7 anyone who thinks that should get real!!! don't you worry what anyone thinks if you are happy and hubby is happy then who cares? its not like its not sanitary! i try very hard but some days you just can't. don't stress out sweetie! youre doing great!