Normal New Dad Behavior??

It's very, very normal. It freaks us moms out, because just when we're bouncing between feeling all warm and fuzzy and in love with the baby and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, it seems that the dad is not only no help but more exhausting to us than the baby is.

Yes, he should feel less stressed when his employment situation gets better, and it will get better over time. Remember that it doesn't reflect anything about his love for you or the baby. When the question of another child comes up, no matter how old this child is, he's likely to say, "Why would you want to go through all that again?" Men are just hardwired to see the work and the difficulties differently than women are.

It will help if he has men friends to talk to and hang out with, and interests he can pursue. It sounds odd, but it will also help if he's doing a lot of hands-on baby care! If you do it all, or most, of it, it's easy for a man to start thinking of the baby as "yours," not "ours." He'll feel more bonded to the baby if he's the one doing the day-to-day stuff.

Hang in there! Like any life change - moving, a new job, a new relationship - the adjustment is only this huge once! It does get easier!

my son is 2.5 yrs old. i experienced a lot of this. my husband needs WAY less sleep than me and just couldn't get up at night to help. literally never! i did all that part and still had to work full time with a longish commute. i think, in the beginning, as the woman (and it pains me to say this) but you really have to suck it up and just be the bigger person here. my husband would also get super irritable and cranky, etc. he still has the patience of a flea and gets angry easily. its incredibly frustrating. guys just don't seem to know how to suck it up. i'm really sorry and know you're not alone. i've heard, that as the baby gets bigger, that the guy will really enjoy daddy/kid time more and more as they can play outside and that this time will be yours to enjoy quietly. i'm experencing more of that already so its true. the first couple of years are really tough on the women for sure. and if you work its even harder. plus, a huge part in this case is your husbands frustrations at being unemployeed. in my experience, the way men and women experience unemployment is totally different. men tend to shut down, get angry a lot, get frustrated a lot and they don't want to communicate about it. a lot of his actions/feelings are probably mis-directed emotions about unemployment. hang in there!

Hi :) Wow. Your other answers are so good. And look for ways to keep as sweet and balanced as you can. Enjoy your husband and enjoy your son. Maybe take the night feeding yourself if that really bothers him. Nursing moms (I nursed each of our eight, from as short a time as 6 months to as long as 2 years) are the ones up at night. I came to cuddle into this time and appreciate the quietness. God bless.

Lack of sleep is brutal on anybody! I'm not the best mom when I'm tired. I do think being open with him might help? Perhaps instead of comparing your husband to other dads...try talking to him. I've also noticed if I try really hard to notice when my husband does something that I like/appreciate...I NEED to tell him. Unfortunately, when we are tired...we tend to put our relationship with our spouses on the back burner. We don't do fun things together...intimacy suffers...good conversations suffer. I know you didn't ask about tactics to get your son to sleep through the night...but I think that might help. Rest can make a night/day difference...in both of you.

I understand being frustrated at interrupted sleep, many a nights I groaned and moaned when the baby cried, but as soon as I saw my little ones face, it would all be forgotten. I would not let an angry/upset man (or anyone for that matter) hold my kid. If that means you taking on the majority of the childcare, so be it. He sounds depressed and could use some counseling. And babies are hard. Maybe he is more of a bigger kid kinda guy? Trust your instincts, this isn't normal or okay, and it only takes one hard slap or shake to injure your baby. Another thought, pretty soon your little one will be able to understand Daddy's words, and emotions, and if he can't control himself now, when? He just doesn't sound ready to be a parent, but maybe with some guidance and counseling? Good luck!

Expecting your husband it act like a grown up is not unreasonable, but perhaps he lacks the tools to do so. Have you (and him) considered some sort of professional help? To a certain degree, having a new baby puts all of us back into our own childhoods - sounds like there may be some unfinished business there. If he won't see a therapist perhaps there is a clergy person, etc that can help. Good luck.

Dad's have a tendency to freak out about babies. I think to some extent he's experiencing normal feelings, but add to it that he's currently looking for work, he's really stressed about all of it. Does he have a good guy friend with kids he could talk to? One that you can tell what's going on and he can get a conversation started with him? I would be a little worried about the resentment he's showing, but maybe he just doesn't know how to express his concerns about the future.

O.

Your husband is going through a rough time, and the baby is an easy target, because, let's face it, babies are relentless. He probably feels inadequate as a dad, since he's not "providing" (a very male thing). My husband was especially cranky with our second one, and I did EVERYTHING to care for her for about the first 1 1/2 years. She is 5 now and they are really pals, but it was a rough go at first. I think it is harder for guys to adjust to fatherhood that it is for moms to adjust to motherhood. So, I don't know how that helps, but at least you know that it is not the baby's fault. Once your husband starts feeling better about himself, he will be able to be a better dad. Why don't you start by telling him all the ways that you appreciate him on a regular basis and also the things that he does that make him a good dad. Just try to reinforce every day that he is meaningful to your life and to the baby's life (like when he wakes up to make a bottle - my husband NEVER did that!!). Then maybe that will help him to feel better about himself.

Every new dad adjusts differently. It sounds like he wasn't probably ready for a baby at this time, plus the added stress of being out of work and working toward getting back into the workforce is stressful enough. But, and I mean this as a really big BUT, there is nothing you can do to change the fact that you and he now have a baby that needs love, security and attention. Dads need love and appreciation too. You need to tell him how much you appreciate him, what he is trying to accomplish, ask if there is anything you can do to make it easier, etc. He just needs to know that you are still there to love him and support him too.
Babies make three and he will adjust, but have a frank, honest talk about the "real" issue. The baby isn't the only problem, there is more going on there.
Good luck!

Not sleeping through the night for 9 months is hard on anyone--including your baby. I would suggested reading and following the guidelines in the book "On Becoming Babywise." It discusses the importance of a feeding and sleeping routine to allow your child the best possible scenario for brain development and growth. Their is a chapter that is directed to those parents who have already had their child and need help to start a routine. Most parents who begin this technique from the time the baby is born, usually have babies that are sleeping through the night by 12 weeks! Think about how good you both will feel to sleep all night--and how healthy your baby will be when he gets the rest he truly needs.

Anyone who has other stresses in their life would begin to feel like raising a child is too much and would consider not having another in your situation. Be understanding. Talk to him about how his general attitude is starting to make you feel (not the under-the-breath stuff, the difficult raising a child and not wanting to have another stuff). I know that if you both have a plan to fix the problem TOGETHER, then this situation will seems a little more doable.

Poor Daddy! I have felt that way too and I'm a woman - we can handle more than men. He needs some help and breaks. Make sure you always tell him how much you appreciate him. Can you get up in the night sometimes instead of him? It made a big difference for me when my husband would do that. Try sleep training your baby to sleep through the night - it should be by now. Stay-at-home parent is the hardest job to have! People don't always show their true feelings on the outside world either...

I dont think its normal to curse at a kid, but if he is one of those "crabby-pattys" when he is tired, he probably doesnt mean it. My husband and I did shifts when our kid was a baby. He works and I stay home. I would go to bed at 9 and anything baby-involved before 2am, was his. Anything after 2am was mine. That way, no matter how fussy she was, we both always got at least 6 hours straight sleep. It makes a world of difference!!!! Perhaps talk about a schedule that suits the needs of you and your hubby?

Thought this might help!!
Mag :)

I dont believe this is normal behavior. My husband, as tired as he gets sometimes, never says anything like "g-ddamn baby" or gets frustrated with our baby.
This is something which is inexcusable and somewhat worriesome. If I ever see my hubby looking overly tired or not in a good mood I'll take over duties so he can have some rest and space...not because he'll mistreat our LO but because I dont want our baby around any negative feelings. It doesnt matter if I havent gotten any rest myself, that's what a mommy does.
(I'm not saying you dont do this, I'm just explaining what I do in my house).

Can your hubby go see a counselor about his frustrations? I believe this would be helpful...

it is a bit of adjustment to deal with when you are a new parent when you have a job.....even more of an adjustment when you are unemployed trying to study to get a new job. and with not being able to sleep all night because of the baby waking up does make it even harder. no he isnt being fair to you, and you need to tell him that. maybe he can get some rest during the day when he isnt studying or whatever he considers important to be doing. i would definelty tell him that he is being a bit selfish and that it is really hard for you to deal with on top of everything else. you are getting as much sleep as he is if not less. i would make up a bottle or two and have them ready in the fridge to heat up. it wont hurt if it is formula and you don't make anymore then you need in a 12-18 hr period kept in the fridge. i would try to take turns who gets up with him at night. if your husband does it this night then you do it the next. if you work outside of the home it makes it hard for you to get up during the night but it isnt any different then when both parents work. a child takes two to help it grow... sometimes even a whole village...lol. he may be complaining to his friends..but it think it has to do with him wanting some sympathy and understanding that your friends cant seem to give. discussing your concerns and what not with him is a start and needs to be done if you want him to stay a dad. when this starts and they dont have anyone to talk to about it and get some kind of understanding they tend to fight, argue, or even worse leave.

I don't know if it's normal, but certainly my husband and I both had moments when we said bad things to our baby :( Sad, but true. When we had a baby - we didn't know he wasn't getting enough to eat - and he cried constantly. CONSTANTLY. We were both so frustrated, under-rested, stressed, and on edge.
Trust me, husbands take on A LOT of stress when they have trouble providing for a family. I would say in this situation, it's probably not that unusual. Not that it's great, but as long as he doesn't go through with actually physically abusing the child, he has to have some space to vent his frustrations in a way he deems fit - at least until the child can repeat the words :D
Some people also need more sleep. People who require less sleep don't seem to understand that our bodies don't function on less than 9 hours of sleep (ya...I'm one of them). So, if that is this case...I would say to try to have him do some things he doesn't mind as much if you could take care of the night feedings. Trust me, he's not going to get spoiled - I always handled night feedings and diapers (breastfeeding) but my husband STILL got up in the middle of the night if the kid barfed all over me and cleaned up the entire room so I didn't have to deal with any of it.
What I'm saying is, there are a lot of factors to consider, and I don't think it means he's a bad dad or a bad person. Dads in general have a hard time understanding babies - until they sleep/cry less and play a lot more! I have no doubt he'll get there.
And, yes, my husband has been saying he didn't want more kids since our first one...we now have 3 and plan to have more. He just likes to vent his frustrations and know that they're heard.

Some people (my husband included, as well as ME at times!) have a hard time with a crying baby at night. That said, I never remember my husband (who begins work at 5:00 AM) ever muttering anything like that no matter HOW tired he was. That would concern me.
I think your husband is feeling stress over his responsibilities and lack of a job. Is he getting up for bottles at night because YOU are working? Not sure from your post.....
Trade off night duties so you know at least every other night you'll be able to sleep?
These "little" days (and nights!) will be gone before you know it.

The good news is, it sounds like your husband is doing a lot with the baby. Some dads are not quite as involved especially in the early stages with feeding at night and being there during the day for the crankiness. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress from other sources and then being at home with a baby on top of it all can be a lot for someone to handle. Are you also at home during the day or is your husband at home alone with the baby during the day?

If he's being a stay at home dad while you are working I can tell you as a stay at home mom it's a difficult job even when it's what you've chosen to do but if he didn't CHOOSE to be at home it can be downright maddening!!!

My suggestion is for the 2 of you to get out. If you can get a babysitter do it and just get away for a few hours to relax. Even if you just go to the other room and sleep, it's worth it!! If you have no one to watch the baby then send your husband out for a little "self" time (and then he can reciprocate another day for you). It just sounds like he needs a break. Let him know that you care and that you see he's getting frustrated and just want to help him enjoy this time with your son.

Good luck,
K.

Sally,
So it sounds like there are a lot of stress for him. My best suggestion if you don't have one is a good church and its community. During tough times and stressful times it helps to walk through it with Christ. I know it sounds cliche, but it has helped my family immensly.
Good luck and God bless!

Good Morning Sally, I'm going to take my advice to you in a different direction, especially after ready Missy's advice to you OMG . First of all your husband is not selfish, he has a lot on his shoulders right now, especially with a baby, you both were irresponsible in getting pregnant before YOU BOTH were ready. Now I don't agree with your husbands choice of language, at the same time at 9 months your baby should be sleeping through the night, and not having a bottle during the night, he's waking up because you get up and give him a bottle you stop doing that and eventually he will sleep through the night. Try giving him cereal at bed time that will fill him up. Normal is different for different people, If your husband is trying to study and do what he needs to do for the family. then you need to help as well, when my husband was studing for the Chief's exam I took my too little ones for a walk so my husband could have peace and quiet. This is my advice to from someone who has been married for 29 years and a mother for 26 of those years.

Updated

Good Morning Sally, I'm going to take my advice to you in a different direction, especially after ready Missy's advice to you OMG . First of all your husband is not selfish, he has a lot on his shoulders right now, especially with a baby, you both were irresponsible in getting pregnant before YOU BOTH were ready. Now I don't agree with your husbands choice of language, at the same time at 9 months your baby should be sleeping through the night, and not having a bottle during the night, he's waking up because you get up and give him a bottle you stop doing that and eventually he will sleep through the night. Try giving him cereal at bed time that will fill him up. Normal is different for different people, If your husband is trying to study and do what he needs to do for the family. then you need to help as well, when my husband was studing for the Chief's exam I took my too little ones for a walk so my husband could have peace and quiet. This is my advice to from someone who has been married for 29 years and a mother for 26 of those years.

Everyone handles being a new parent in a different way. For some they don't realize until after the baby is born just how much their lives will change! It sounds like your husband has the symptoms of postpartum depression. Make sure that each of you is getting some "me" time and time together. If it gets worse have him talk to someone.

Good luck.

Everyone gets a little irritated and cranky every once in a while, but with the things you said, I would just make sure not to have any more babies. (Or at least wait until he is without the added stress of unemployment!)

The long and short of it, give your husband a break. He's unemployed, just been forced into fatherhood by a baby he didn't expect and now you're expecting him to be Father of the Year already. Aren't you tired and cranky? Then why shouldn't he be allowed to be? You make it sound also as if he's the only one who gets bottles and in that case I would agree with him being mad. I used to fume at my husband when I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night after a c-section and subsequent scar infection. Maybe he's mad because he doesn't think you're doing your part?

The easiest thing you can do is not ask us, ask him! He's your husband, ask him what's going on.

My husband never acted like this with our child. We were in our mid 30's when we had our son and were ready for the rigors of parenthood (or as ready as you can be). There'd be times when the baby was throwing up in the night, I'd get him and stand in the bathtub with him while he was barfing down the front of my nightgown and I'd tell my husband 'clean up on aisle 4' and he'd get up from bed and strip down the crib and put fresh sheets and then bring me a fresh night gown and start the laundry to get the barf smell out of the nursery while I was washing up me and child and trying to calm him down. We are a team and we work together and help each other out. Sounds like your husband is not adjusting well to parenthood, but I don't know what you (or he) can do about it to help him come around. Might need some counseling or talking to other parents.

No. It is not normal! Who says Goddamn kid about a baby and their own at that? He better figure it out quick. He needs patience. You also better figure out quick if you want him to be around. Boohoo for him. He needs to be a man and deal with things. He should not take his stress out on a baby. Was he flash tempered before? If he stays like this I would leave him. Not cool at all for him to be like this. Good luck and don't take it. Dont let him treat you or baby worse and worse and don't get used to it. Be strong for your new beautiful baby.

Not sure if anyone covered this or not but My husband and I took turns sleeping in different rooms when our babies were new borns, so we would only be super tired every other day. It did help! And at 9 months he should be sleeping on his own. He wakes up still because he knows he will get a bottle. But you didn't ask about sleep training so I will stop. But alternate days, of if he works and you stay at home and can take naps, you get the week and he gets weekend duty. Good Luck, it will pass soon!

Try to remember that you and your husband are a team. Instead of getting frustrated with him, sympathize and help him out. Sounds like his world is crumbling and he needs you to help ease the burden.

You child willgrow older are you a stayat home mom does he need to get up early for work you might alternate who gets up when dont think about another baby untill your both ready good luck A. i raised 4 children and now haveve7 grandchildren A. no hills