Newly Married with Step Kids

I have a 6 year old step son and needed some similar advice when my husband and I got married. Its such a difficult adjustment. I read the book "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace" by Sally Bjornsen. I swear this book saved my life. Its funny and gives great advice. I made my husband read it, too, and it helped him to better understand where I was coming from. You can find it on Amazon.com. Read it! You won't regret it! Good luck.

Your entire family is still in the adjustment phase and it isn't going to be easy. Second marriages are so hard and the added element of children makes it tougher. My best advice would be to sit down with your husband either when the kids aren't around or after they are in bed. I believe that all of the kids need to have the same rules and expectations. The two of you need to make the rules up, put them on a chart if you have to. Then the next time you all are together, have a family meeting to discuss the rules and the consequences for not adhering to the rules.
You and your husband can also set up a chore system so that it won't seem unfair (or mean) to any of the kids.
Your husband may be "babying" his daughter to compensate for the time that he isn't able to spend with her. Your tone may change with his kids (I read your other post) because you don't think it is fair that he babies his daughter and expects so much out of yours.
Your kids are old enough that if you and your husband do not get on the same page and stand behind one another REAL soon, they can make some big problems for the two of you.
Being a step parent is a very difficult job but if you and your husband set up all of the groundwork for your new family (rules, chores, consequences, etc) and present a united front in front of your kids at all times, then everything will eventually get easier. Keep your chin up and hang in there!!

Join all of us with blended families! Since it is not normal to raise someone elses children and you are not their real parent, there is always friction. I have not found it to get better. We have had to have lots of counseling from our pastor, and the issues used to threaten our marriage. YOur husband will have to put you first and there will have to mutual honor and respect. If God is in the middle you have a better chance. It is tough!
B. S.

Hi CC, me again, I can tell you this kind of got my dander up because I went through this with my husband as well. There was a specific day that I finally put my foot down and told him that I was the woman of our house and I needed him and his children to honor me as such. Prior to this conversation I would be talking in the car (for instance) and they would all three just start talking over me. I felt that he was constantly deferring to his daughter over me. His ex still made decisions for the kids, even when they were at our house...I could go on and on. I finally said enough. I had to set boundaries with him, his ex and our daughter and it wasn't easy at all but I had to step up and respect myself (while respecting them) before they would ever respect me.

As for the controlling of you, I also exprienced that and would love to talk to you more. E-mail me if you can.

Listen I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he has 4 children who were 14 11 7 and 4 when we married. We had no idea we would have kids together since I was 46 when we got married and could not have children but Bless God we did invitro when I was 48 and got twin girls on the first try they are 3 1/2 now. In all these years our biggest fights have beeen over the step children and how he favors them and won't discipline them the same. Some of them are almost grown now, but they get away with lying, now obeying me, lying about me to their mom and alot of other things over the years. Yes we have to do our best to love them and make them feel welcome in our home but our husbands have to try to understand the unique position we are in as step moms now his kids don't live with us or I don';t think our marriage would have survived at all!! His ex is horrible to us and the money is always an issue because myself and our children have to go without to pay for things for the others. The only true advice I can give you is to accept things the way they are. All of the nagging and talks and counseling we have had have never changed anything. They call it the Disneyland DAd syndrome where he wants to look perfect in their eyes since their mom divorced him, he never raises his voice to them and never acts out in front of them. I tell him it is not fair to our girls to grow up seeing that and all kinds of other things but it does not matter he won't stop. He has gotten better iwth out kids since they are getting older but i have to constantly be there to keep him from over disciplining our girls and raising his voice to them when it isn't necessary. I don't want my only duagheters damaged by this and I am very protective of them at he same time I have worked very hard to be open and honest with his kids and I tell them when they lie to me and I do discipline them at times but I don't have as much time to get involved now that I have my own. His oldest son does not visit us anymore largely due to me and his close attachment to his mother. He stopped visiting shorly after we were married and she tried to get him all to herself. I had nothing to do with it other than none of them had ever had counseling for the divorce and I would discipline him and make his dad make him treat me with respect. So i say to you sometimes you could try everything to love a step child but they will resent you and it is not about you.There are some good books out there for step moms, but don't be hard on yourself. I think some well meaning people that responded here could put guilt on you and every situation is different. I hop;e this helps sincerely A

Best of luck to you, CC. I will keep you in my prayers. I am not married, and don't have step-kids, but I am helping to raise my niece, and it's very similar to having a step child. I don't know how to love her as my own either, though I love her very much and recognize how special she is. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, and your saying he is starting to get jealous and controlling really worries me. Let him know that that is not going to fly. Nip it in the bud now, if possible, or else it will become a pattern. I pray that you can both present a united front and insist that each of your kids can treat you both with respect. I'm reading some good advice here, with the agreeing on the rules/consequences and making a chart if necessary. It does help if it's all decided on in advance, although nothing is black and white it seems. I hope things work out for you. It's still a very new situation and adjustment can be hard. I hope things improve.

Is he open for counseling? Because to me this sounds like the beginning of something worse. And if the girls are the same age, you should both treat them the same - not one with egg shells ....

You guys are headed for trouble. Get some marriage counseling.

I agree with Bridget. You should talk to your husband about this. He may be compensating for not being with his daughter all the time, but the obvious favoritism will adversely affect your daughter. And you both need to be on the same page when it comes to raising your children or it could end up being a huge conflict.