New Baby Coming - When Should the Inlaws Come?

My DS is 4 and my DD is now 3 months. When I had her c-section as well my mom came down for a week and then my in-laws came down for almost two weeks (and then my mom came back for a month) I dont get along well with my MIL but it seemed like while she was here we barely interacted. I was tired and recovering and she was with my DS most of the time, taking him swimming, to the park, to and from school. Or my DH and the two of them would go out when he got home from work. I dont usually look forward to her visits but she ended up being more than helpful and by the end I was thankful that she was able to come and help for as long as she did.

I'd have them come while you are still down.... your 3 yr old would never remember the birthday party. It's a good opportunity for MIL to get to meet her newborn grandchild as well and I think would be the better way to go so she doesnt feel left out.

I think your first instinct was right on the money. You need help physically. That trumps birthday considerations. You could always have a birthday party for her while the in laws are here. No law that it has to be on the day.

I know you can't lift following a c-section, but you might be surprised (hopefully) about how well you feel afterwards. Not sure if you had a c-section with your first, so you may have firsthand knowledge that you are basing this on, but with my c-section, after about a week, I was fully operational. Now, I wouldn't have lifted a toddler, probably, but could do most other things. You should be fine to cuddle, have her sit in your lap, lay with you, snuggle, etc. You just can't do the *lifting*. As long as she's still getting that closeness to you, I think she'll do ok. That said, I would let your in-laws come when they choose.

I'd probably say after the baby comes. You're still going to be really sore after two weeks and needing help. And if they can shower your daughter with love and affection and special time while you're still getting on your feet I think that would be great for her (and hopefully you can get a little sleep too!).

You can still think of an extra special birthday idea even if it doesn't include the in-laws.

Congrats on #2 and good luck!

P.S. My son was 2 when my daughter was born and her was really good with the whole thing. Right around 2 weeks post partum was when he really needed mommy to himself alone one night. I was so glad my mom was there so I could focus on him when he really needed it. After he got that couple of hours of one on one time with me he seemed ok again.

I would definitely say take the help when you'll need it most. At 3, your daughter won't really get or remember her birthday party that much and if your in-laws only come once a year, likely she's not all that close to them anyway. No grandparents were ever able to make it to my either of my daughters' bday parties and they don't bat an eye. Even if you recover quickly from the c-section, just feeding a newborn all the time is exhausting etc.

definitely while you're recovering from the C section. you'll need the help, your toddler will need the attention, and you will probably find they're much easier to bear when they're actually useful to you.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I would ask the inlaws and your husband which they would prefer since they are only home once in a while.

Either should be fine but when do they want to come? How far apart is your C-section and your daughter's birthday?

You could always just give them the choice and let them decide.....

I would say the birthday would be a nice treat for her and definitely help her feel special. That is very sad about not picking her up, so try to have your husband do things with the baby when you're not nursing so you can snuggle and read or nap with your older daughter, too. It meant a lot to me to just cuddle up with my older boy when we had our second and he also liked snuggling on the couch when I was nursing so we could read books at the same time. Get in as much sit-down time with her as you can fit in. :)

I'm only 30 weeks but already have a really hard time picking up my 4 year old (he's about 47 pounds and all bone and muscle) and even my toddler (only 30-some pounds) is getting heavy. :( They are taking it pretty well since I let them both cuddle on my sides on the couch.

You might not need the help that third week. After my second c-section, I was up and pretty much doing it all after about 2 weeks. My mom was scheduled to come and be with me during the day and I wound up telling her I didn't need her to come. I had a 2.5 year old at the time. I wasn't able to pick her up, but we got our snuggles other ways. She would climb up next to me on the couch while I nursed the baby. We read books, colored, and things like that. While the baby was sleeping my daughter and I could still play, just very carefully. I think you'll find that things aren't quite as bad as you fear :) It's hard going from one kid to two, but it's also an amazing blessing. My girls share a bond that is so wonderful and amazing. Have your 3 year old help you with the baby. I bet you'll be amazed at how helpful she can be :D

I KNOW THE PAIN... the pain of having to make decisions like this. FIrst of all this is the time when extra attention needs to be given to the older child. All the gifts and parties focus on the coming baby so it is very important for the older child who is aware of EVERYTHING to feel special. This worked for me: Instead of saying "don't you think the baby is cute" or "don't you love the baby" try saying to your older child "When the baby looks at you she loves you so much" "she/he thinks you are so smart" "she/he loves it when you bring her toys and touch her softly, I can see it in her eyes".

I suggest asking the parents-in-law to come for the 3rd birthday. When a second baby comes life gets challenging again. I was not one of those mothers that handled the transition well and definitely needed space. I was figuring out how to manage life with another baby and really needed support without questioning or silent critism. If you have a history of not getting along with your husband's parents this may not be the time to invite them over. You still need support with playdates and meals and such so you may try having a friend coordinate that sort of care for you. here is a website for that: www.carecalendar.org When someone offers to help with something, don't be polite and say, "thank you but i'll be ok" write their name down before you forget who offered help and arrange for a friend to call them and let people know your needs, people don't offer a pregnant mother help to be polite!! The last thing you want is to manage other people (your parents in law) while you are trying to figure life out.

I hope the best for you. THIS is the time to take care of yourself, phisically, spiritually and emotionally... if the people around you aren't contributing to YOU then "right now" is not the moment for you to be inviting them over, cuz you might end up catering to them just to keep the peace instead of having them cater to your needs. :) ---Much love.

why don't you ask them what they would prefer?

How much time does your hubby get off?

My son was 2 when his sister was born and was such a mama's boy and really carried. We started with a lot of walking and holding hands in the last month, and dad took over a lot of the carrying responsibilities. My son was in daycare, so he continued with that, and my mom was here to help me out, and play with him when he came home. She was here until my daughter was 9 days old, and then it was just my hubby and I, but the daycare saved me. If you have other family or friends around that can help, you may want to have them wait till her birthday, but if you are having them come to help you, then I would have them come when you need them. That transition can be hard for the big sis, and having them come to be with her will help, no matter when it is.

i would have both your mom and in laws if they available. i had 2 c sections. recovery takes a bit.
also i would call a local middle school or church, synague to see if they recommend a responible mothers helper. or ask your neighbors to a mothers helper. mothers helper are cheaper then babysitters but they can play witht the 3 yr old you can get some stuff done.

Why not ask them when they would like to come?