Nephew with Autism and Christmas

Hi S.,

There is a product that is safe and help children with Autism, ADD/ADHD and many other issues. I have a friend whos son had great result and doing so well now. I will be very happy to connect them with my friend or give the parents information on the products.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A.

Hi S., I know it can be stressful when trying to accomondate an austic child. But, they can be reached. If you have any stuffed animals that you do not mind him using, they provide great therapy! Also, you may try giving him a massaging pillow. My daughter goes to see a speech therapist, and we see many autistic children coming and going. They are precious children. They love soft rock music, rocking chairs, spinning chairs, small tents to crawl in, and puzzles. If you have these types of things on hand, I think you will be surprised at how well he can entertain himself. It sounds like you are not going to be there by yourself, so I do hope your other family members will be there to help you out. I pray that you do not stress out too much, because they can pick up on your stress. There's many web sites that offer ideas to help autistic children. If you have time, (which is priceless about now) look for some positive articles about children with austism. One other thing, do not share any of your candy that has dyes. If you go to www.feingold.org, you will be educated on the effects that some foods and chemicals that affect austic children's behavior. Merry Christmas, I wish you the best.

This is a very difficult situation and it's probably best to talk to your family beforehand. While I am not a parent of a child with autism I do teach children with autism and know firsthand what destructive behavior looks like. It's one think to child-proof a home for a baby/toddler but it's another think to child-proof a home for this situation. My initial response was that Christmas should be about spending time with family and not about decorations but the more I thought about it I realized there's more to it. It shouldn't be your responsibility to watch over your nephew. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have a child with autism or a relative with autism. Your BIL is probably searching for some sort of normalcy but unfortunately this just might not be the right time. Talk to your MIL and BIL and explain where you're coming from and maybe suggest a seperate time for you to celebrate the holidays with them. Good luck!!

I would say first, remember he is a child, and I'm sure he would like to be less frustrated and to be able to communicate better. I work with children with autism, and it is very easy to say what the parents should and should not do, but imagine how consuming the disorder is for the entire family. I'm sure they are doing the best they can right now. With that said, I understand not wanting your house destroyed. Talk to them and see what he likes best right now. Kids with autism will often perseverate on one object for long periods of time, so you might find something that he likes that can keep him busy. Maybe someone in your family can work on building a relationship with him and then offer the family help or just simply a rest. Hope you have a good Christmas.

Oh my, this is truly a sad situation. From a mom with a son with ASD I feel it is your husband’s responsibility, since these are your in-laws, to tell his brother that he and his wife will be responsible for watching their child while in your home or to please not come. Yes it is harsh/mean, but maybe if these parents see that there is animosity regarding their family during family gatherings that will motivate them to get their child the help he needs. There is no since in taking down decorations and ruining the holiday fun for the other adults and children due to this one child. I kept my son away from huge family gatherings for 2 years due to his behavior in large group settings for his and the family members benefit. I was never asked not to come I just had the courtesy not to at least until he and I had a better grip on our reality to be in large crowds without issue. I am not far from you so if your in-laws are in your area I would be happy to direct them to people that could help them and their son. Feel free to PM me.

Ouch! Tough situation! Sounds like there are several layers of problem areas!

My thoughts:

I didn't read all the suggestions, and have had no experience with autism myself, but if I had ended up with such a difficult child and had to go it on my own most of the time.

Is there any way the family can pitch in with helping this couple? It seems like your husband should be in charge of this negotiation, since it is his family, and feelings might get hurt if you were in charge.

Seems like there were some helpful suggestions about making one of the rooms less visually stimulating, etc. Maybe that will help. Maybe that family could arrive late and the activities could be timed in such a way that if they need to leave early it wouldn't be a problem?

It's unfortunate that the parents aren't getting the child the help he needs. Is it money? or the stigma/reputation/shame of having a child that's "different"? I wonder what's going on...

Hope the day goes well

no mater what you do this is going to be stressful. You did invite them to your house and I know you want to honor that.
As delicately as you can you could make out a schedule for an ADULT to watch and care for the child for thirty min. shifts. This keeps everyone with a time to be social( the parents SO need this)! It makes all take some responsibility for his care (men included). If they are not going to be there for long you can shorten the time. If you can impliment this now you will have successfully set a standard for all hoidays to come and insured a couple with a special needs child can be included in family events and that IS a great Christmas gift!
May God richly Bless you for your care for His children.

Hello S.,

Wow, that's a tough one... I'm wondering if his parents are overwhelmed and depressed. I know the therapy is very expensive (about $100/hour). I don't know what their thinking is. I do know that early intervention is needed.
There are great ideas already listed, if you can set aside a room with less visual stimulation for him and put together a schedule to watch him (since the parents might not do it at all) that may take some of the stress from you. it may help to try and have him follow his daily schedule as close as possible and that may help avoid extra meltdowns. Good luck and God bless! ~C.~

It is always a parents responsibility to watch his or her children. When you have a child with autism, like I do, this often makes visits to others home an unplesant experience because the entire time you are trying to keep your kid out of things. Ask your BIL what you can do to help. For my son, who is 7, he will write in notebooks for hours. This is his stim. Letting a child stim for hours is not the ultimate in parenting an autistic child. But if you need to keep a child busy for us this works. For your nephew it will be different. By the sound of this child, someone will always have to have an eye on him be it the parent, grandparent or whomever. As a parent, I would take the responsibility however if I was asked by the hostess what she could do to help, I'd be appreciative. The parents are probably happy to be out of the house. Good luck.

I can't respond from any kind of authoritative point of view on autism, but I did want to comment on whose responsibility it is to keep him in check.
As the hostess to the Christmas festivities, your attention is going to be focused elsewhere. It really should be your BIL's responsibility to watch his own child in your home. Both of my kids are toddlers, and though they're relatively well-behaved, we always watch them when at other people's houses. We attended a Christmas party at work last Friday, and one of us was ALWAYS within eyeshot of our kids just to be sure they weren't doing anything unacceptable.

Autism is a different beast, and it represents itself so differently in different people. But, if he is destructive, it should be the responsibility of both his parents (and perhaps other adults who know him and his tendancies).

I hope you are pleasantly surprised and have a wonderful and festive Christmas with the family.

Whew, you are going to have your hands full. While Children who have autism can not help their behaviors they can behave. I work with 6 children who have autism in Kindergarten, your little one sounds a little more severe then my guys but I still deal with some of the same things. Is he in any programs besides therapy? How old is he? I wouldn't let him go to the bathroom by his self at all. If his parents aren't going to step up and assist then I would at least stand outside the bathroom door and make sure he isn't in there very long. Most of them have something they REALLY like, for instance we have some that really like different textures of sensory toys. At the dollar store they usually have the little balls that have spiky things on them that they can shake or squeeze, we have one that likes the little clapper hands in the 25 cent bin at party city. If he isn't oral fixated then you might see if his parents have legos that he can build and then tear down. You might try magnets on a cookie sheet again from the dollar store and he can move them around and spell words if able. Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles... while he won't make eye contact with you he might delight in bubbles and it will keep his little sister occupied as well. He might get frustrated if he can't communicate his needs/wants to his parents and the frustration can lead to disruptive behavior. I would talk to his parents and see if there is anything that he likes that they can bring for him to do.

I would explain to your MIL and BIL that while you are excited that they get to celebrate with you and your family you want to make sure their son has enough things to keep him occupied so he won't become bored. If you start to see his behavior take a nose dive then pull them aside and say, " I see "bobby" is starting to get restless why don't you take him outside for a walk" or flat out tell them that you are concerned with their sons behavior and your house isn't a playground. If they can't control his behavior then you will pack up food and they are welcome back when their son's behavior is in control.

Well, that is a tough one. First thing that came to mind is how old is this child? It sounds like he is not school age yet. Maybe there is a bedroom near the main areas that can be accommodated for him: lower stimulation, TV with his favorite videos, some toys he enjoys. That way when he gets into something, or gets over-stimulated, he can be redirected in the bedroom. What physical outlet is available? Trampoline, running space. If he is very active this will help. Where is a near park that he can be taken to during part of the day???

I do not have a child with AU, but I have worked with them as a special educator, and it is tough. I would hope the parents would anticipate the child's needs and help to arrange that. If that means moving a few decorations, I would do it. Nothing over the top but within reason. This child can not help his responses to his environmental stimuli....if his parents do not decorate at home, imagine the overload of coming into a fully decorated house. In my heart, the child would come before the decorations. He is a gift just as any other child, and although his parents may not be making the best decisions for him, it again is not the child's fault. I would be inclined to let my husband handle the arrangements since it is his mom and brother; maybe that would reduce the tension. All you can do is anticipate as much as you can; firm behavior plans are not going to be effective for just part of a day. Maybe some visual cues, like a stop sign, placed on doors he should not open, etc. may help--just print off computer or something. Maybe an older child can help 'buddy' with him to let the parents know when something is going wrong. Otherwise, continue what the parents have in place, accommodate him as much as possible, and try to bless him and that family as much as you can.

I can understand your feelings. Well, not really understand, as I have no relatives with autism, but i do sympathize.

But, the only bit of advice i have is this: figure out what is a workable solution and what is absolutely not okay, then have your HUSBAND talk to either your MIL or your SIL or your BIL. It is HIS relatives and will be better received from him than you.

I think the other commenters have valid points. And, I don't really know if there's a right/wrong answer here. Your house should not be destroyed, but at the same time this child is not intentionally naughty - he has a disability. I just pray you will find a solution that will allow you to have a peaceful and relaxed holiday. God bless you!

Yikes, this is hard. Since you know the child's parents are probably not going to step up to the plate a little preparation may help. It's unfair, yes, but that is life.

Ask your husband and your MIL to be ready to step in. If there are any other sibs get them in on it too. Maybe even assign hours for them to be "on it." This way everyone will have some time to relax and have fun, but share in helping with your nephew. Do your best to have distractions for the child. You could even call the mom and ask her what would help him and suggest she bring favorite items, etc... Also ask her about foods he will eat. Be upbeat and positive. It's a shame the child's parents aren't following through to help him, but that is out of your control Do whatever you can to insure he will be happy and comfortable at your house.

Of course this is not your responsibility, but if his parents aren't going to step up then to keep calm you will have to be the one. You are walking on thin ice. Be sure you talk to your husband so that you can be on the same page and a sort of tag team. If your MIL can be in it, or other sibs, great! Preparing will help, and since it is at your house recruiting other family members to help is appropriate.

As far as Christmas decorations.... I wouldn't have anything you love too much within reach. Maybe get some "touchables" for the kids to have. You are a good aunt!!!

Hope all goes well.