Need Advice on My MIL (Again)

Hi T. -
You need to be frank with you MIL. Tell her what BIL has told you and tell her how you feel when she does that. Don't forget to tell her what you do appreciate first and last...
Good luck
S. in Lisle

In-law problems are the worst. I am a firm believer that if it's your in-law that poses the problem, it's your husband's job to be the heavy and communicate the problem, as if it's your problem as a couple. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd be the one talking to your mother. I just feel like it's appropriate.

Anyway, it sounds like your MIL is hurt that her son isn't interested in her grandchildren so that's why she makes such a big deal about it. But, if she's using your baby as a tool to show how her son's behavior hurts her, that is out of line. I agree with the mom that said to ask your BIL is he minds this behavior, but again, it should be your husband that does it. If your BIL *does* mind, then he should tell his mother to stop. Of course, the fact that your BIL doesn't want to bond with your children is a whole other can of worms...

My MIL is kind of wacky in her own way. She is terrible and awkward with little kids, to the point that they instinctively stay away from her. When my BIL and his wife had the first grandchild, she was so hesitant to spend time with her grandma that now that we have a son, my MIL gets in his face and makes crazy noises and freaks him out. She just goes overboard because she's afraid that if she doesn't connect with him, he won't love her. It makes me uncomfortable to see her pull him close for a hug when he's pushing away and crying, but like in your situation, it's hard to know what to say.

I think that if talking to your MIL or BIL isn't an option, your best bet is to tell your husband that you need to leave the room when these things happen. Tell him he's in charge of the kids, but you need to not be present because it upsets you. Keeping the peace in a family is important, but I guess if it only happens twice a year and there's no other solution, you have to do what you have to do. Maybe by next Christmas your sons will be able to run away and defend themselves ;)

Good luck!

I kinda understand difficulties with in laws. It makes me mad that people will act like that! Anyway....lol.

I would suggest when your MIL starts to take your baby to your BIL, you step up and take your son from her. Or, if it's easier, when the BIL does get your son, just walk over and say, "here, you don't have to do that," and take him back. This might actually help your BIL see that you aren't trying to force your kids on him and that you understand what MIL is doing.

Also, has your husband mentioned anything to your MIL? I know in our family, if I say something, it goes on deaf ears, but if he says something, she will listen better. When it comes down to it, this is between the brothers, and MOM needs to let them work it out.

I wish you the best. I know how family can sometimes ruin your holidays. Sometimes you have to just do what you can to manage the best you can.
K.

If your husband is like mine, he probably would refuse to deal with his mom in this situation and say, if it bothered me, to deal with it. What I would do in a non confrontational way is just go over to your brother-in-law, when and if she does this again at Christmas and say, here, let me take him, I don't want you to feel like you have to hold him, not everyone is as crazy about babies as I am. Just say, "no offense, we know you love him, but I'd like to hold him right now anyways". But if he doesn't look uncomfortable, ask, "do you mind, or would you like me to take him back?" I would get directly involved, because he's YOUR baby, and I wouldn't want people passing him around to people who didn't feel comfortable handling a baby. I think your mother-in-law just wants her son to catch the baby bug, but she should have gotten the hint when he wasn't ready to hold the first one. I don't think you'll come off as a bad daughter-in-law by directly talking to your brother-in-law. Good luck!

Hello!

It is very important to keep the peace. Now with that said, If I were in your place I would not tolerate that for one second. I would speak with my Hubby and once on the same page talk together with the MIL, respectfully. If she still does not get it or you catch her pulling the same tactics, stop her during the act, smile and take the baby from her and continue to smile. Those are your children- END of story- you know what is best.

I really don't see this as something you should just "deal with" a few times a year. If it bothers you, put a stop to it. I myself have gotten much better in recent years of being more firm with people who don't respect boundaries I set, whether it be with family or otherwise. And can tell you it makes life better not putting up with things you don't like. Life's too short.

Some of the other moms had very good suggestions; if grandma takes off with the baby and heads for BIL, be at her heels to take baby back. Or, when she heads to you to get the baby, make it clear beforehand "BIL doesn't want anything to do with the kids; if you take the baby over to him, I'm taking the baby back and you are getting stripped of your baby holding rights for the day".

Might not be the most pleasant, but its direct and sets a very firm expectation. I'd be shocked if you said that to her and she did anything but hang on to the baby herself. Plus if you say it in front of the rest of the family, including BIL, maybe hearing how he acts with the children, and knowing other people have now heard how he behaves around the children (even if it's simply indifference) may have him take a second look at how he behaves towards them. I know you said you and your husband are okay with that, but still...

I prefer the direct route in almost all cases. Their your kids, you have every right to address situations involving them that make you uncomfortable!

I am in a similiar situation. My MIL is always trying to make my BIL seem like "uncle of the year" when he only sees my daughter at most twice a year (even though he only lives 15 minutes away). Not to mention he has a continual problem with alcohol. Everytime I pass out pictures of my daugther she always says "what about Steven's picture" and was always making comments about how she is sure he would like to see my daughter if he had time. Finally, I just had to be blunt and asked, "would he even know who she is if you showed him her picture? Probably not." I think she got the clue and hasn't pushed so much since. I think you are just going to have to stand your ground and say "if he wants to see him, he can come over here and see him". She will get the picture.

Hi T.,

I'm sure your MIL has the best of intentions. She probably is also aware of her son's reluctance to be involved with his nephews and she's trying to make some connection there that doesn't exist.

I think your husband should say something to her. I don't think it's your responsibility to address it with her. He should tell her in a non-confrontational way that you both would prefer that she not push your children on your BIL by forcing him to hold them. Have him tell her that you feel it's not good for him or for the kids. Forcing him into holding the baby will only make him feel uncomfortable and could push him even farther away from making any sort of connection with your kids and that even the smalled child can feel when they aren't wanted or when there is tension and you'd prefer you kids not feel that.

Worth a shot. If that doesn't work... The moment you see her moving towards your BIL with the baby, swoop in and grab the baby and say something like, oh he's wet, he needs a changing or oh I forgot, he's hungry, let me feed him real quick. You do something like that every time I bet she gets the message.

Good luck!

I agree, this IS a hard one. I do have thoughts about the parties involved, but I will give you my short answer.
Very simply,the MIL is out of line. No one seems to want to confront her. I would cut her off at the pass with YOU saying to the BIL (when you see the MIL headed your way or starting to pick up the baby), "BIL ____, would you like to hold the baby?" He can then say yes or no, before she plops the baby in his lap, uninvited. She may do it anyway, but at least you tried....AND thankfully this only happens 2-3 times a year. Further, the child will not be a baby forever. Happily or sadly, however you look at it, a toddler senses when they are liked or not and will resist being forced to do something they are uncomfortable with.

You need to remind your MIL that your BIL has made his disinterest in the children clear and you would appreciate her respecting his wishes and to stop attempting to force the children on him. Remind her your husband and brother are not on speaking terms as it is and that she making things even more uncomfortable for the three of you. Mildly suggest to her if she does this again at easter time or the next time you are all together as a family that for your own peace of mind you will not attend the next family gathering.

Here is what I would do. First I would put my husband on notice of the issue. Making sure that he understands my position and how I feel. I would first ask him to speak with his mother. If his efforts do not get results, you will have to say something to her yourself. Coming from her son, she may feel less insulted causing you less trouble in the family but I would say that if push comes to shove, follow your motherly instinct and say something. I would. Children know when people don't want them, why would someone want to put a child through that? I really can't imagine a person that doesn't want to be close to children but I guess there are all kinds in the world. I have had some similar problems but not exactly the same. I wish you all the luck in the world. PS. When you talk to your husband, make sure you don't sound like you're making accusations. He might just feel he has to defend his family then. You're kind of on shaky ground.

Unfortunatey, it sounds like an issue with your husband and your BIL. Both needs to say something to your MIL. And when your MIL tries to get your BIL to handle the baby, your BIL needs to speak up and then maybe at this time you can pipe in "If he doesn't want to hold the baby, it is totally fine. I know until I was a parent, I didn't like holding kids" and hopefully she'll get the hint. Good luck. Or, maybe just be next to your BIL when your MIL hands the baby over and then have a thing between you two so that he can pass the baby to you. Aren't holidays fun? ;)

Hi T.,

Boy that is a tuff one. Personally I think the best way is to have your husband mention to his mother that the BIL has made you aware that he is not comfortable holding the children and please let this relationship evolve on it's own. Not to push things. BIL is welcomed to have a relationship with your children whenever he feels comfortable. Hopefully that will work. You and your husband also need to be mindful that your children may sense the uncomfortability of the situation and that is not fair to them. Good luck!

J.

If this were me I would make my husband do the dirty work and have him explain that it bothers him, not so much you, so as not to cause another issue w/ MIL. He needs to stand up in that situation and intervene and if he doesn't, if it bothers you to the point your blood curdles, which I can hear it from here, intervene yourself, either just before or the second after she puts the baby in his arms. She'll get the hint and if she doesn't after all that you'll need to pull her aside and make it clear!! Good Luck

Discuss it with her beforehand. Tell her that it makes your BIL uncomfortable and that you want the holidays to be about PEACE. He may just decide the holidays aren't worth the hassle and everyone loses. Maybe at some point he will see everyone having a good time with the kids and soften up.
Be forgiving, be loving, give it time. We can't force people to be something they don't want to be. I feel your pain dear...

Tough situation you have there. I know I would never ask to hold someone's baby because I didn't want to put them on the spot, some are very protective of their babies right away. However, it seems that is not the case here.
Has anyone told your MIL about how your BIL feels? Your BIL really should be the one at that moment to say no to her, or your hubby to tell her. I don't want you to get put in a bad daughter-in-law situation.

I'm sorry for your situation - I have some sensitive issues w/my son and my in-laws as well.

I think the simplest thing to do is when your MIL takes your child over to your BIL to hold I'd just go over and say, "I'm sure you don't feel like babysitting..." and grab your child out of his arms. It may be just enough for him to get the hint that you know he's not interested and you're fine with it. May even make him feel like a jerk in the process......

If it were me I would get your husband involved since it is his mom and brother. Maybe your husband can talk to her without getting into details about giving the baby back to you after she has held him. OR if you think your MIL would respond favorably to an honest talk, you can try expressing yourself to her and ask her to respect your wishes. I think this is better than trying to dodge or make excuses. Hope this helps.

Have you heard that you can choose your friends but your family is thrust upon you? My advice is "deal with it". It's one day out of your lives. The kids are too young to feel rejected. (Sorry, but you might hope that that young'n will feel nature's call while his "loving" uncle is holding him.)

Hey, it's easier and more fun to laugh than to cry.

T.,

If something makes you uncomfortable about your boys than you should speak up if your husband is not willing to! If you know that your MIL is going to hand one of your son's over to your BIL than make it clear to her that you don't want her to pass them onto the BIL. If you don't say what you mean out loud than nothing gets across. If she is well aware of the situation and stills does this than she is not respecting you, your husband or your sons. Don't sit back and watch something happen that upsets you--nip it in the butt before it has the chance to happen. If she doesn't listen than say something to the BIL and not suger coat the situation--"Just so were both clear--I know you want nothing to do with my boys so don't take them from your mom when she goes to pass them onto you--tell her no and give them back to her" Just be firm and stand up to both of them!

I have an uncle that never had kids for various reasons and he's very uncomfortable around babies. My own husband was very uncomfortable around babies right up until we decided to have kids...and then it was a process. It was very stressful for him because he wasn't sure how to hold them or what to do if they cried. Once we had our own he was a different man, but that had to be on his own terms

What I would suggest is if she forces the baby on your BIL...just politely go over and take him and say it's okay you don't need to hold him if you don't want to...I understand. Maybe wink at your BIL..so he knows you aren't offended and you are just trying to help. If mom says something just tell her that your son is probably as uncomfortable as his uncle being forced into a bonding situation neitherr wants to be in. And you could add "I might be wrong but you can't force parental instincts in a person. It is something that comes when you have your own children....especially so with men."

PS My uncle got over his uncomfortable feelings when we got older. We were well behaved kids and he was never agravated by bad behavior so he loved to play bad mitton with us or even take us to the pond to fish.

He's much older now and has problems around toddlers, but once they reach a more mature age he's fine with them. He has gotten along beautifully with my cousins daughter who is 10 or so. He just feels uncomfortable around babies and toddlers. He can't take the stress when they misbehave or cry or pitch a temper tantrum. He didn't have kids and the older he gets the less patient he is. No one gets mad at him we just understand he never had any of his own to learn and bond from.

I realize this is your baby, so thats why you are so upset over it. However, i don't know if you are the one that necessarily has to straighten out the problem. I would most likely ask my BIL if he was as bothered by your MIL actions as you are, if he says no, then you confront your MIL one last time and put your foot down. If he says yes, then you nicely suggest that HE talks to the MIL about it.

Maybe you should try giving her your child and just follow her when she goes over to your BIL and when she offers up your kid, just step over next to your BIL and accept as if she was offering to you even though it may be very obvious she wasn't. If nothing else, maybe she'll start to see that constantly offering up her grandchild to your BIL is pointless since you just accept the child back and your BIL is obviously not going to complain about that.

By the way, I have the same problem with BIL, but not the MIL, so good luck in fixing it because I know that would just drive me crazy to see happen.