Negative Nancy

Go to visit family and you are upset no separate family time.. Do that when you are home. A three month old baby can be out nabout all day. Actually makes them flexible!

Visiting family is NOT a family vacation. I can assure you of that. My husband and I have had this discussion many times. When we lived far from my family and would come home to visit, the LAST thing I wanted to do was leave my family for an entire day to go do something. I'm just being honest with you. I missed my parents, sisters and family... and I see my husband and children every day. Asking him to take an entire day is a lot and really unreasonable and it is asking a lot.

Take a day trip on your own when you get back to NY. Hop on the train and go upstate for the day. It's easy, cheap and fun. You can take the MTA or drive up to the Hudson Valley. We lived there for years and there is SO much to do!

You can walk away if you want to, but don't use this as your excuse. Asking your husband to take time away from his parents and sister is selfish. Asking them to give up time with their grandchildren is selfish. Step back from it for a minute. You are being negative and sulky.

Be proactive and plan something for a Saturday when you get back or continue to sulk and ruin the trip for everyone so that you can make a point. I assure you though, the only point you will be making is that you are being selfish and not even trying. Your little one is three months old... not 3 days. There is no good reason why he/she can't be at a t-ball game or at the beach under an umbrella. You can take two cars...

We are busy too, but when we need time together without the entourage (we live in FL now), we take the kids and go to the beach for a few hours alone. I don't tell my sisters where we are going and don't answer the cell while we're there. If this is a problem, then attempt a real solution.

I answered your duplicate post as well, but based on your SWH I wanted to add here....

You say that spending from 9:30-3:30 to ball games isn't to the benefit of the 12 week old.

NOTHING is to the benefit of the 12 week old except getting enough to eat, enough to sleep and enough skin time. They can do that anywhere... completely portable.

I, too, would be very angry. Your anger is not over reacting but considering divorce is unless this is just the last straw. You mentioned having a "terrible past together."

Have you focused on making your relationship better by getting counseling? I suggest that if you haven't then that should be the next step. You go even if he won't go. Unless you figure out what went wrong with this relationship you won't be improving your life much at all.

There are many things to consider before asking him to move out or you move out. You really need to think this thru before you issue the final word.

I also suggest that you read about non-violent communication. It's a way of talking together while expressing our own needs and accepting the other person's needs. By doing this you can both come to an agreement about decisions. I suggest that he felt that he needed to be with his sister and her kids and that he didn't understand that you needed that day to just your immediate family. I'm guessing you were angry with him during the vacation and he withdrew into his birth family.

Here are two sites that describe the communication method along with one site that gives a tutorial. Check it out. http://www.cnvc.org/

http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

I suggest that both of you need to make being together a priority so that you can do things together while at home as a family. We have to plan and schedule this time. As you know, when we're busy, it just does not happen. I suggest that if the two of you had said at the beginning of your vacation that on Thursday you would do such and such, it would more likely to have happened.

Perhaps you could give your husband the benefit of the doubt and suggest that since you didn't do something together on your vacation that you pick a date and plan something now. Let go of your anger and give this another try.

After thought: When you stayed behind with the baby, what was your attitude? I suspect you felt left out and were cranky. Would you have wanted to do something with cranky you if you were enjoying the company of your extended family? And.....remember he was still doing things with your children.

It was your decision to stay behind. Considering how hot it can be in Houston that may have been the right thing to do. Remember, tho, that he may not have understood that and didn't understand why you were staying behind.

I suggest that if you'd been happy and shown a willingness to participate he may have been more willing to spend a day without his sister and kids. We really do make our own reality.

You are not over reacting. But I would suggest that with a 12 week old it is not the time to call it quits. Wait a bit longer at this point your hormones are still all out of whack. Things that would not normally be an issue will feel like mountains. I am not saying don't call it quits I am just saying wait till your not emotional.

Okay... Trust me... I'm pregnant right now so my hormones are all over the place and I get sooo angry when people say I'm acting a certain way because of said hormones, so please don't rip my head off... But, it really really really sounds like your hormones are partly behind this thinking. I understand that you guys have had a rough past, but that just makes it easier for that "one little thing" to push you over the edge.

This is not "the thing" to leave him over.

Listen to yourself: you're mad you aren't spending time as a family on your vacation so you think you might as well divorce him and that will solve your problems of not having quality time together as a family? Thats irrational. But I get that you could spit nails right now. I've totally been where you are.
Our vacations are spent with family and I see less of my husband on vacation than I do at home. Add to that, time with family and in-laws can be super emotionally charged for various reasons. Add to that, traveling with a new born- hello, so not fun at all.

So here's what I think: your feelings are totally valid but your approach is all wrong. So having totally been where you are on the family time and vacations, this is what I told my husband: "Honey, I love you and I crave time with you, and time with just our family away from the stress of home, because I miss you, I miss being with you."

There is nothing wrong with what you are wanting S.. In fact on our way home from vacation with my family, where I had once again scarcely spent a moment alone with my husband, we got in some terrible weather. Long story short, there was a freeway closure and we decided to get a hotel in Bakersfield instead of taking the detour. We were stranded for a day and a half- It was the best family memory and time we've ever had. In a Double Tree Hotel in Bakersfeild CA, I had the best vacation of my life.

So yea, i get it. And if you truly discussed this in advance and your husband isn't making it happen, thats really sad. You probably cannot salvage this vacation. Your husband is likely between a rock and a hard place making up for lost time with family and feeling obligated to them, all the while unable to keep you happy.
But I suggest you not present it as his fault, but just that you love him and need time with him too. That since things just didn't work out, you need, need NEED, to schedule something with just your family.

The take away point here that I hope to make is not to come at him pissed and blaming, but that you need him, love him, and miss him. Try to bypass your anger and disappointment at how this vacation turned out by sweetly insisting that you reschedule your family day. I think you'll get a little farther with him if you are sweet about it- If you are understanding that things didn't work out this time but none the less, time alone as a family is a nonnegotiable for you.

FYI: Ergo baby carrier. With my second we were prisoner to her naps. With my second, we just took her along anywhere anytime and she slept as needed on the go in that thing.

He's being a jerk, and I would be upset, too.
However...

You do realize that you won't be spending more quality family time together when you're divorced, right?

I'd advise you to think about what you really want separate from how you feel (ie. you FEEL angry/hurt/undervalued but you WANT to spend quality time as a family) then focus on strategies to GET what you WANT, rather than act out on how you are feeling. Try not to complain about this when you're upset, rather ask for what you want when there's actually a chance to give it to you ("Hey jerk. We were supposed to spend time together and you went to the game and left me here!" vs "What are the plans today. I'm looking forward to our family outing. How about a trip to the aquarium?")

Divorcing him over a botched family vacation and shirked agreements to spend time together is like suspending a child for skipping school. Not quite the logical consequence you're looking for.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

T.

I understand your point, however, I see his also. These are activities that allow him to see his niece/nephew at their sport. His sis is showing of her kids. A ball game doesn't stop because relatives are visiting.

You don't say how many days you have left, but plan something. Plan something for you and hubby.

I understand where you're coming from. BUT your body is still healing from having that baby. You need to suck it up and accept that he wants vacation to be time with his family. He doesn't see them but once per year I assume. This is "his" time to be home and spend that time with them. So you need to expect he's going to want to spend that time with them.

Next time know going in that this is how your vacation is going to be. He's with you every other day of the year, it's their turn now. Do something on the way home.

our visits with family tend to be this way as well. once i got him to leave them to take me someplace i wanted and i could tell he didn't enjoy it.

i know you said you were busy while at home but it does seem like that might be your best bet instead of trying to compete with "his" family activities. try for a separate time, any chance you could stop somewhere on the way back home?

I really am on your side and i know i was very protective of mylittle one too but i wonder if there aren't a lot of people that don't let the weather keep them and their infants from doing things. They may not understand you not doing that too. but it's cold and rainy here so what do i know?

I would not like his behavior whatsoever, but I wouldn't call it quits either. Wait until you get back home, get things back to normal - and then think about seeing a counselor or neutral person who can help you sort through all this.

My husband is the complete opposite. He prefers to do things with our immediate family only. I'm mostly the same way the older I get, but I do see the value in getting together with extended family every so often. I can't imagine my husband ever dragging me to Texas with a 12 week old baby to do stuff without me.

Good luck.

Next time, make plans to go see YOUR family.
(I don't know how it is with them), but see YOUR family.
Or is it always things with HIS family?
If it is, then that is irritating.
Or go on vacation, someplace, ONLY with your, nuclear family.
Not anything to do with any other relatives.
But you said your Husband won't do that.
Well, that is irritating.

And here is the generic answer: would you both go to marriage counseling?
Or, have you both talked about it, or can he... in a mature manner? With you? Reasonably?
He doesn't seem to want to do anything with ONLY him/you/the kids.
Why?
Did you ask him?
But if you ask him, don't do it in a demanding/nagging/accusatory way. Otherwise it will turn into an argument.
Tell him, if you can, in a calm, manner. Like as though your just trying to learn why, he is so phobic about doing things with only you/and the kids.

Don't you just want to kick him in the pants....he didn't do what he said...Take him to the side and tell him "you promised me and we are going to do it."....remind him too, you have just 12 weeks ago gave birth to his child...you deserve this and you want it..."have a fit" even if its in front of his family..he's not being very understanding. You may have a little postpartum going on to... and that's why you need him to do what he said...don't take no for an answer. He needs to be reminded of what you've been through. And when you get home..or where you are now...go take a long bubble bath or go have "mant-pedi". done and make him stay with the kids...But as far a splitting up....only you know what has put that thought in your head..probably being lied to and being taken for granted don't help any....but get his attention and hash it out. And you need to take care of yourself.. and stand up for yourself...
good luck

This doesn't sound like a great vacation, but I personally can't see "calling it quits" over a vacation, no matter how bad.

Now, I recognize that there may be a whole lot of other issues, and that this may be the last straw, but just based on your post, it sounds like you may be in need of a few "date nights" and maybe some couples counseling (which I highly recommend, based on personal experience), but not a divorce, not just over this.

Your problem is not your SIL's family and activities. It's a husband who isn't interested in family time, and thinks it's okay to leave you home with an infant, and who walks away when he doesn't get HIS way. This is about him having more fun with his sister and her older kids, and letting you know that you're a burden. If it were me, I would have packed up a week ago and gone home. But it's also about him not doing much with you at home - the "vacation" is just a concentrated view of how he really is, no matter what the surroundings.

You need to do some soul-searching, and I'm sure you've got a full plate with a toddler and a baby. Your "terrible past together" needs to be dealt with, or you need to face up to who he is vs. who you hoped he would be.

Visiting family is not the time to want to have solo time. A mama of an adult child wants to see her son and his kids, she is not interested in seeing you. You need to make yourself scare at those visits. Get to know your MIL and ask her if she wants any free time with her son and the kids. If she says yes, use that time to shout Hallelujah and stay in a hotel room, get your nails done, shop, sleep...

aw, i'm sorry. i'd be bummed too. in our case, it's usually my husband saying 'for gods' sakes, let's get away from the herd and go do something ourselves!'
you're not over-reacting, but it does sound as if there's a LOT of unspoken history here. on top of that, you've got a tiny one, which is always disruptive to the family dynamic.
sounds like the best place to start is with communication issues. if you asked him to spend time as a family in an accusative or hectoring fashion, that may have prompted his unpleasant reply.
start by making an appointment with a good couples counselor and see if you can develop some better communication tools.
khairete
S.

How long were you together before you married? Before the children? I wonder if you ever got to bond as husband and wife before you started piling on...life. There's got to be something for you to "come back to", a psychological and emotional connection. It's the barrier of intimacy that the two of you build around yourselves that serves as part of your foundation. If you never get it, then you'll always be chasing it, and it'll always feel like it's slipping through your fingers. Add to that a toddler and an infant (planned or oopsed?--makes a difference), and you've got a perfect combination for chaos. He probably sees this vacation as a vacation for himself, as well. Both parents don't always respond the same to having babies in the house.

I think that one day is not too much to ask to spend just with your family unit. I think that it sounds perfectly reasonable and even unreasonable not to. If you and your husband had that "bond" thing going on, he might understand. If it's gone on for a while, it might now be uncomfortable to be alone together.

Seek counseling with a therapist who will focus on helping you to build intimacy. Check out some online profiles and look for that in particular. It doesn't have to be over. However, if you two continue in this fashion and move further away from each other, it will be more difficult to come back together.

You don't need our approval for you to call it quits. It seems that there was more going on in the past than just this. It seems like you are really unhappy. Consider what it would be like, living alone in NYC with 2 kids. Not sure what kind of support system you have there but you will need one with kids that small. If he's homesick, he may want to move to Houston. Could be possible the kids could go too. Consider all your options. No, that vacation sound like it sucks. Who wants to travel all that way to sit at a ball game, I could see one, but no, not that many. Could you plan to go out tonite, just you guys and have the sister or grandma watch the kids?

This is why I don't go on vacations with or to see my husbands family. He gets sucked into the family dynamic of trying to please them . It has ruined a few vacations for us . It's very difficult when its your vacation and you are paying for other people to do their thing instead of focusing on you .Plan something for your family and stick to it . If the hubby doesn't go at least you are with the kids . When you get back home , get some counseling so he can see your needs aren't being met . Don't give up . Hang in there ! You can get through this :)