Needing Advice from Yesterdays Post

I have to agree with Beenthere. I did not respond yesterday because I also saw a few of the posts saying that based on the past etc. But I looked back at previous posts and answers you ahve given and I don't see anything but mostly happy. Yes there are ups and downs. Sometimes I just cannot stand my husband--honestly I can also say that sometimes, I would like to ship my kids to my brother to teach them a couple lessons. But all in all, it is one moment with a ton of great ones.
If you do decide to start over, you will do what is needed. That is what you worry about. One step at a time.

2boysforme,

After having observed your postings for more than a year I feel I have been able to gleen some of your situation. But it is nearly impossible for people to gather your backstory because of how often you post. This is more than a yearlong saga you have been living. Let's get some facts out for those that haven't seen your past postings. I do not claim to have seen them all, there has been too many for me as well.

1. You and Trav are not married. I have seen many posts where you refer to him as your hubby, but he is in reality your boyfriend.
2. The baby you lost in January 2012 was not Trav's.
3. The baby you lost in January 2012 was a huge personal tragedy in your life. I send my deepest condolences
4. Your 4 year old is also not Trav's child.
5. You and Trav (or so you told us) decided to try to concieve last fall and succeeded.
6.Unfortunately you suffered a miscarriage of that baby last fall as well. Again my condolences for your loss.
7. You underwent a D&C after the miscarriage.
8. Shortly thereafter you posted that you and Trav were breaking up. But then it didn't happen.
9. Your mil is not really your mil, she is Trav's mom.
10. Your "Dad" who's funeral you had this past weekend, is not actually your Dad. He and his family are friends of yours that you have termed your adopted family. But in truth are just friends.
11. You and your real mother are not close because there is a strained relationship there.
12. You took on guinea pigs last summer.
13. You took on a puppy last early fall.
14. And now a second puppy. (I think.)
15. You and Trav are both in you early 20's.

You, aside from Trav, have suffered great loss in the last year and a half. Two babies and a Friend this past weekend. That is hard, loss is hard, grief is hard. It takes time to grieve.

But aside from that, you seem to put more emphasis on relationships than needs to be, in my opinion. For example the mil, the friends, whom you call your adoptive family but your acquantance with them is only a few years old. The "brothers" from this family who call you Sissy. The "Mom" who lost her husband suddenly last week, (whom you weren't even sure if you should contact.) Up until last week I had never seen you mention these people, you may have but I must have missed it.

My point of all this is that the common theme is you. Your own self esteem is low, there is dysfunction in your true immediate family so you seem to be searching for new family relationships and you have suffered several losses in a short period of time. There's no doubt you have been through quite a bit in your young life. Generally on a several times per day basis you are on this website looking for advice, validation or many times just conversation it seems. Again putting too much emphasis on these online Mamapedia relationships that have opened your eyes to reality.

I feel that you need to get yourself right before trying to make any of these auxillary relationships work. For none of them will thrive until you do. You have a responsibility to your son to be the best mom you can be. You may need to put these other relationships aside until you can fix you. Breaking up with Trav really has nothing to do with this weekends spat. It has more to do with the year and half long struggle that you have been fighting with yourself. This does not exonerate Trav from any poor choices he has made, but thats on him and for him to ponder on and fix. The only relationships you should be concerned with right now are you and son, and your relationship with yourself. I don't know if the sister you are thinking of moving in with is a real biological sister or not but it may be a good starting point for you to work on you.

Maybe with less drama, true family support and your therapist, you can move forward from this point on. But I will say this, you have to choose everyday to make things better, it is hard work and it will have its ups and downs, but in the long run you and your son will reap the benefits. I wish you all the best.
V.

ETA: Please understand it is not my intention to slam or offend you. It was only to lay out some answers that I have seen in the past for many of the questions that were raised by others in response to you and give advice, that you asked for, from my observations of your previous posts. Advice is just that, take it or leave it. In no way am I saying that your relationships are not important or dear. But to my observations you seem to be searching for something in your life. Choosing everyday to make things better is good advice for whatever you decide to do with your life. You have chosen to air your trouble times on a public forum so you shouldn't be suprised that someone gives an honest opinion on it. I do truly wish you all the best.

Yesterday some ladies referenced some posts of yours saying that you need to leave Trav. I have looked back and can not find anything worth throwing this away. Sorry for not chiming in to your tune today.

You say you need to be happy? I am seeing months of pain, loneliness, and an ache for normalcy ahead if you do this. Not only for you but your little boy. I know this is the kind of thing you have seen in the past and really hated. Deep down, I don't think that's changed. Before you decide anything, talk to your therapist that KNOWS your situation and can help you make an informed decision.

When I look back at the majority of your posts, I see a happy girl. You have had ups and downs and tragedy. That's what life is about.
Think hard. What would your real mom do, DON'T do that.

Yeast infection, bladder infection, new birth control, new dog/puppy, loss of your dad, loss in your adopted family and loss of an unborn child, all within the last year and a half?

Please talk with your therapist before you do anything. I don't see anything that indicates you are in danger, so nothing that can't wait until next week to talk with your therapist.

I'm going to bet that if you had told your therapist about this plan, she would have told you NOT to do this...

You just suffered a major loss... And have suffered other major losses recently... Every therapist I know of would have told you not to make a major decision like this until the use settles a bit... You simply can't think straight right now.

If a major decision like this came to you because a bunch of strangers on the Internet, who only know half of the story (Maybe less since you were upset when you wrote it), told you that it was a good idea... Well, that kind of shows right there that you don't have the biliary to make life changing decisions right now.

Just wait a while... If your decision is still the same in a few weeks after you have talked to your therapist, then do it. For now, wait.

some people missed the post where travis yelled at you and kicked the puppy

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12261366338546761729
then after that you said you were only going to post positive posts because you didnt like peoples opinions to leave him...HENCE why everyone that only sees your recent posts telling you to stay

Also, we do only know limited buits of the story. you shouldnt decide based on us but you should only stay with someone who is like the man you want your son to become...only you knowe if he is good enough, from prior stories (possible chgeating, flipping on you and making you cry, hitting the dog) before you only posted postive stuff i would think not

ETA whatever you do you will be ok. as long as you look to always make you life positive.

"I need to be happy"

I really think you need to ponder on that one for awhile. What IS going to make you happy? What is really making you so unhappy. Will you ever be able to find happiness in your struggles...in the monotony of life, in the fights/disagreements, in the disappointments etc?

I really have no idea who you are except from a few posts that I have seen where you refer to your man as "Trav". I think I remember them being about how much you love him and you have been through tough times together.

I checked out your profile. And...wow..you are young to have gone through so many struggles and challenges already. When I was your age I was graduated from college, married and just starting to have a family.

I really think you have gone into all your relationships very backwards.But again...that is me judging from the outside with very little to go on. You have a son, not Trav's. And then you lost a sweet little one together?(I am just guessing that it was his child) I am so sorry about these challenges.

Since you are not married to Trav and he is not the father of your son then my suggestion is to move out and in with your sister. You have no claim on Trav nor does he on you. Easy break legally...thank goodness.

Honey...you need to find happiness WITHOUT a man in your life. You be the M. your little one needs. A strong M., who will put him first. You bust your butt working to take care of him physically and emotionally. Get yourself healthy!!

Some others have mentioned you are seeing a therapist. Ask your therapist to help you learn to live life without a man. You need to get emotionally healthy so that you can invite an emotionally healthy man into your life again someday.

No more dragging men in your son's life and getting them attached and then realizing you are not happy in the relationship. Because guess what?? Your son is perfectly happy having a mom and "dad" in his life.

I know you can do well in life on your own. I know it will work out for you. But that is if you learn to stand on your own two feet without having to have a man to make you "happy".

Once you find happiness with your son making a new life for yourself then I am sure that God will send the right man on your path. Date the man for a long time first before inviting him so emotionally,physically and intimately into your life. And especially before inviting him into your son's life.

Put the man to the test to observe him over a long period of time so you can see how he treats you under various stressors in life. Watch how he treats others. Get to know his family and how they treat each other.

Stop playing house..please wait to commit your heart,soul and body for when you are ready to commit to building a house and life together. Don't date men that just want to play house with you.

Go to your sister. Don't look back!

i didn't read all your replies but agree that I am not getting entire picture with this post or the other? I see that your frustrated but what is it that is making you unhappy? You cannot control his reactions to things and sometimes, even adults need time outs. Good Luck

You will be OK and everything will work out.

Don't do anything "permanent" yet. Move in with your sister to give yourself some perspective on the situation and some distance.

What should you do?
1. Get your own bank account with YOUR name only on it.
2. Separate your cell phones
3. Have bills that are associated with you and the kids mailed to your sister's address. Don't assume that Trav will forward anything.
4. Keep your communication open with him. This is going to come as a huge shock to him. Be prepared for him to be angry and do something REALLY stupid and childish.

While others have talked about this being a "down time" in your marriage, my guess is that it's mostly "down time" and that you've been beating your head against a wall for many many years. Deep down you knew he wouldn't "grow up" and now you know it for a fact.

Maybe, just maybe, seeing you walk out the door with your children in tow will be the "bottom" for him and he'll see a need to change his behavior. Maybe not.

Good luck and remember that you will be FINE.

No O. "leaves" for the petty reasons in your last post.
I suspect there are bigger things going on in your relationship.
If that's true, then go.
I feel sorry for your son--losing a male father-y figure at his age.
When we know better, we do better.
So go and do better.
Sell whatever you can to get a vehicle.
Furniture, jewelry, household appliances...whatever you can.
Give your notice and start your life. With your son.
Tie up these ends before leaving.
Leave like an adult woman, not a runaway child.

Good luck.

first - you will be okay.

S. - you are doing the right thing by leaving.

third - DON'T GO BACK. it will be 100x worse if you do. worse on you, worse on your son.

the rest will work itself out dear. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted. and you should know, i am NOT an advocate for leaving over every little busted dream and letdown. this guy is abusive and you need to leave and NEVER go back. ((hugs))

Luckily you're not married, and luckily he's not your child's father. You won't have a long, drawn out nasty divorce or any legal entanglements. That will make a separation much easier for both you and your little one. I would only worry for that poor puppy that he's abusive to.

You're doing the right thing in planning ahead to leave an abusive relationship. I wouldn't say anything to him just yet, and I would talk to your therapist to help you establish a plan and maybe talk about why you choose men like him.

Don't worry about disappointing or upsetting other people in making this decision. It's YOUR decision. You don't make decisions to please other people. That includes if you decide to stay with him, okay? Whatever you decide has to be because it's best for you and your child and because life would be better with T than without him. Because he'll treat you well the MAJORITY of the time, not just sometimes or occasionally.

Consider the bus line regarding work travel.

Sounds like you are on the right track!!! If you have a joint account you need to get your money out of it and open one of your own!!!! I understand he's been round you son's entire life so yes that will be hard at tleast for a while. But like you said he needs to see you happy. I am glad that you have a sister you can stay with. You may have to quit your job before looking for a new one. Depends on how much free time your job gives you to interview. Good luck!!!

I'm sorry but what?? You're moving out? I don't know all the details but I've seen you gush about Travis. Do you know how many times I wanted to walk out of my house when my kids were small etc? But no - I would not do that to my kids. Travis my not be your son's father but sounds like your son considers him to be so I may be missing something here but do you really need to leave? So much going on. No need to add to it all. Try to stay calm. Speak with your therapist. Maybe I'm wrong - maybe Travis is horrible. I jsut see you so happy with him sometimes. Didn't you just post about leaving him notes? I know when I was beyond po'd, I would think if deep down my husband is a good person. He is. So I stayed and things have worked out well as the kids get older and both he and I mature. You and Travis likely need to mature too. Don't uproot your son. If he is physically abusive or really verbal as in constantly berating you, belittling you etc, then ok, leave. Otherwise, work it out.

It WILL work out, and you WILL be okay. You and your family will be in my prayers, and you CAN do this. Think of it this way...millions of other woman have done it, and SO CAN YOU. :) You can build something better that you want and deserve for your life and for your children.

You are in a better spot than most, because you don't have to go through a nasty divorce on top of everything else. You can step away and start over, and your little one will be fine...he will still get to see his father. You'll need to go to court to get a child support order, which will help out with caring for your son while you are getting those ducks in a row.

Any change is hard, even good change. You will find that you are stronger than you thought you could be. You will have pride in yourself and it will show to your LO.
I left a bad situation after staying far too long. I am stronger, happier and healthier. I still stress, but it is different stress and effects me in a lesser way. My kids are happier, too.
I cant stress to you how much your self esteem will go up! It's awesome!

Well, even if the kid is small, there are children's therapists. My mother got therapy for my sister and I when our parents split up and if the sks had been MY kids, I would have done the same. Talk to your therapist about what might benefit your son.

Since you have a sister to move in with, it's a good way to start.

Maybe having you move out will inspire Trav to change and win you back. If he does make the necessary changes, give it at least a year of seeing the changes before you get back together with him. Do not get back together with him unless you are going to get married, because as you said, this is going to be hard on your son, and you don't want to put your son through this loss more than once. If you and Trav ever get back together, it needs to be forever.

But sometimes males need the threat of losing you to shape up. That shouldn't be your goal, necessarily -- if you move out, you need to begin your own life without Trav -- but it's a potential outcome.

I don't know how old your little one is, hopefully he's not so old that this is going to seriously traumatize him, because it's the loss of the person he probably thinks of as his dad.