Hi, I have a dilemma I need some advice on. When my husband and I were dating, we each had our own place, I was buying and he was renting but they were both 2 bedroom homes (mine was 2 bath, his was 1 bath). Since I was purchasing my home and he was renting, we decided to move into my home when we married. Well, a couple of years later, we had to move out of state due to a better job opportunity for him. So I sold 97% of my furniture and donated most of my belongings that weren't sentimental and we moved. Well after 10 plus years of renting, I finally convinced him that we need our own place.
Well we argued over where to live. We discussed what our actual needs were and the size of home that would accommodate all of our belongings. We basically still have 2 or more of just about everything. I found the perfect place, well within our budget. Well, my husband...we'll call him George...didn't want it because he insisted that we HAD to live in a more affluent neighborhood, one that we COULD afford but it would mean an HOA and very small yard, a subdivision and small 2 bedroom, 2 bath home....everything I thought we'd agreed NOT to have.
So since it was his name on the loan (I didn't qualify for this loan due to job issues) we bought this small home that he wanted in the affluent neighborhood with what I thought would be a starter home for us to get out of the rental situation to later on, perhaps move to a larger home because I knew it was way too small for 2 homes worth of stuff.
Well, so far, it's been 3 years and he has no intention of moving. So we have to make do. Okay well the big problem is that I love to sew and make crafts. To have a sewing room was my only other requirement besides having 2 bathrooms. So far, my husband has yet to fulfill his promise of a sewing room. Our second bedroom is too small. We need a spare bedroom for guests and also to use as an office. It's just not big enough and I have large machines and other sewing apparatus that take up a lot of room.
Due to HOA, we're not able to add on to the home w/o a huge expense and a great deal of trouble. I suggested maybe closing in the carport or building a shop for me out back. (Due to the yard situation, it's impossible to install a shed/shop already pre-built). George flat out refuses to do either, even if I pay for it which I've always offered to do but he just will NOT budge on this! He wants a carport, well I like a carport too but I told him sometimes needs outweigh wants....He also says he doesn't wanna bother building a shed. He just will not understand that we NEED this extra space. Right now, our home is a total wreck. It literally looks like a storage unit w/tubs & boxes everywhere....even the guest bathroom is piled up! It's embarrassing to invite people over w/the house in such a state so we never invite anyone over. Quite frankly, I'm done with living in a storage unit. I'm tired of the mess and tripping over stuff with no where to put things.
While we consistently keep going through boxes, tubs, etc. it's taking a LOT of time to do this with our work schedules. A lot of stuff got ruined in storage which had to be thrown out. A lot of stuff that's, IMO, no longer usable is George's stuff but he sulks if I mention throwing it out or donating it. He sees it as a 'slight' against him...in that I'm only wanting to keep 'my' stuff...well yeah b/c mine is still in good condition for the most part. I wished I'd never said anything to him and just threw it out. Some things we don't even remember buying. Some things we no longer need like old phone cables (we use cell phones now), etc...he just says "Oh we may need that."
Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in & chuck it all out the window. Most of the mess is office supplies, my crafting stuff/sewing projects and my childhood sentimental items. I know that if we can just close in the carport, we can get this stuff out into that new area and make this house look tidy and not like a storage unit and I would also now have a place to sew and perhaps an office area so that we can use the spare room as an actual spare bedroom.
I don't know what to do here. George wants to keep it looking like a storage unit. Sometimes I get the feeling that he wants me to abandon my crafts and get rid of all my stuff so I will just sit at home w/nothing to do but clean house or perhaps I should just get my own home and he can have his home. I know I probably sound selfish wanting my own creative space but he has a shop out back so why can't I have a sewing room? Plus we NEED this extra space to put stuff.
My question is this...George is contemplating a trip out of town to visit his parents. I'm seriously thinking of staying home and while he's gone, getting some help & closing in the carport and cleaning up this mess of a house. If you were me, would any of you do this or what would you do in the same situation? Is it easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission? If I wait for "permission", it'll probably never happen. My feelings are that if I did this and he came home to see how nice the house looks then he'll be okay with it but he'd also probably be furious that he no longer has a carport....what would you all do?? Thanks, in advance, to anyone who replies.
Thanks to all who've responded. Yes, we started out using the spare room as my sewing room and office but it's just way too small but I'm going to see how I can rework it to where it CAN be manageable.
Yes, I can see that if I went off somewhere and came back and something was done w/o me knowing I'd probably be upset too so scratch the "surprise, I closed in the carport" method. I do like the idea of just scrapping everything we haven't used and duplicates of things. I wish'd you could see the condition of some of this stuff, it's REALLY not worth keeping so if I come across something that I know we probably won't use, even if it's his, I'm going to take the initiative and just scrap it, along w/extra office supplies we prob. won't use. Thanks again to all who replied. You really got me to thinking differently, thank you!
Julie S...I said I sold 97% of my furniture. I had dressers, tables, bed, treadmill, etc. I only kept the dining table and nightstand that was my grandparent's that I kept to put the tv on. I used to be in pageants but gained a lot of weight due to developing hypothyroid so I went from a sz 10 to a 24, now in an 18 so I got rid of a lot of my clothes...10 big garbage bags of clothes, I'm a girl, I had a lot of clothes and different outfits for pageants. We still had to rent the largest moving truck to move and it was packed FULL so we have a LOT of stuff to go through so we're slowly weeding it out. And no, we have no kids. I asked on here b/c that's what this website is for...advice! It's great getting the perspective of strangers rather than relying on "friends or relatives" that tend to sway a decision.
To others that's posted... We have no basement and no real attic space. We had our stuff in storage for 10 plus years, that's why a lot of it has gotten ruined and thrown out. We're finally able to go through all this stuff and trying to avoid storage. Storage is NOT an option! His "shop" out back is a small 8x10' shed and is also packed full w/his tools as is the second small 8x8 shed. Like I said, we have a lot of crap! George STILL has stuff in storage out of state. I've tried to sell a lot of the more expensive items, even lowering the price several times and offered to take "best offer" but no one buys things here. They want it for free so I give it away just to get rid of it. The HOA has strict policy's against yard sales so we have to resort to Craigslist or Ebay. Our HOA does allow closing in the carport so that's still an option.
To the poster who asked if I use a desk top computer, no I use a laptop. For my job, I'm not allowed to use WiFi, it has to be regular high speed internet.
My goal for a home was to have a home w/enough space for all of our stuff w/o having to get rid of it. To have a 4 bedroom home or 3 plus bonus or something to that equivalent. To have an office, to have a sewing room, to have that spare bedroom. Or office/sewing combo. My husband doesn't get that. In his mind, it's "his money, his decision", my needs are irrelevant. When it comes down to anything else, he's a good person and thoughtful, just not in this instance. He refuses to communicate so I think it's probably time I move on to something else if things don't improve.
You and George need counseling. He needs to learn how to compromise, not dominate. You shouldn't have to be doing things behind his back in order to get what you want.
Good luck, George sounds selfish.
stop being passive aggressive. stop being his door mat. why do you walk on egg shells? Why do you have to do things behind his back?
what would I do? I would tell him enough is enough. This is OUR home. it needs to work for BOTH of us.
My husband went on a business trip for 3 weeks - I told him before he left I was going to be cleaning up the mess in the den and that whatever he felt was important needed to be moved to a box. He didn't do it. When he came back? The den was cleaned out. Funny. He didn't miss ANYTHING that was thrown out or given to Goodwill.
I don't get your marriage. I don't get why you are passive aggressive. I don't get why you walk on egg shells. Go to marriage counseling. Learn how to communicate. This has got to stop.
When you're feeling cramped for space in your home just forget trying to maintain guest room space.
That's what hotels were invented for.
Claim the spare bedroom as your craft room.
I know going through stuff is tough, time consuming, and burns you out.
You have to keep at it and if you haven't touched it in over a year and has no sentimental value - donate it or pitch it.
"We might need that" - yeah sure but if you haven't touched it in a year that doesn't really hold water.
"Well we can buy a new one if/when we ever really do need that".
Trust me - 5 years or more will pass before you actually DO NEED it and in the mean time you're not storing it, dusting/cleaning it, tripping over it - empty space is easy to vacuum and it really lifts your mood!
You can't live with a spare everything - that's just hoarding getting started.
Some of our happiest times were when we first moved into our apartment and had practically nothing - not even a couch.
A box at a time, one or two a week - keep it moving, go through it, donate or trash it and move it out.
It's ok to downsize crafts if you have a lot of them - pick a few that you can specialize in and the rest can go.
Childhood memory stuff - a box or two is reasonable - heaps of stuff not so much.
Your HOA is not likely to allow you to close in the car port.
Actually, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of compromise in your marriage.
Marriage counseling might be a very good idea.
If he's not concerned about your happiness and living situation, maybe splitting up and each of you living on your own might be the only way to fix it.
Additional:
I would not rent a storage unit.
Why?
Because then the stuff you don't need will cost you even more money.
If you don't look at it now when you live with it - you sure as heck will not even think about it in a storage unit except you'll be throwing money out the window every month on it's behalf.
And NOBODY should need SO MUCH STUFF that you have to store it offsite.
At that point - you don't own the stuff - the stuff owns you.
I suggest that you don't know how to communicate. You are assuming all kinds of intent/motivation for his actions ("I get the feeling that he wants me to abandon my crafts and get rid of all my stuff so I will just sit at home w/nothing to do but clean house"). But you don't actually say this to him. You stay quiet, and become resentful. This is not a recipe for a happy marriage. You asked about cleaning clutter, but I think you need to learn to talk to each other. If you can't do it on your own, then get a professional (marriage counselor) to help you.
You could just rent a storage unit like most people do when they need additional storage.
Just curious about two things, if you sold 97% of your stuff and moved across the country how do you still have two or more of everything? The other thing was I looked at your old questions trying to figure out how your kids fit into this home, do you even have kids? If not why on earth did you pick this site to ask questions on? Not saying that is a bad thing after reading this question but kind of curious.
I suggest that you've made.compromises you didn't want to make just to keep peace with your husband. You've allowed him to walk all over you. Sounds like you're passive when.you need to be assertive. I urge you to do some reading about ways to be assertive. Truly, if you're unhappy in this house, it's not your home. It's your husband's home. You can't make those early decisions over but you can learn to stand up for what you want in more successful ways.
I suggest that once you understand the differences amongst passive, agressive, and assertive, you can take small steps to feel more powerful and effect change.
I suggest you write down your goal to have a sewing room. Write down different ways you/not George, can make that happen. List pros and cons for each possibility. Decide what you want to explore first and list what you need to do to make it happen. Explore a second possibility. Write a detailed plan for how to do each. Include measurements, costs, advantages and disadvantages. For example. Call the HOA to see if you can even close in your carport.
Compare the cost of doing what needs to be done for your well being with the cost of selling and buying a larger house. Insist that you have a say in what's done. Don't argue. When he says we might need it later, tell him what you need now. Compare, compare. You might get help from a realtor or a company that does remodels. Get as much information as you can before talking with your husband. Have enough counseling for you to feel strong. In the meantime gradually get rid of duplicates. Don't ask his opinion. It's likely he won't even notice. If neither of you has needed the contents of a box,.get rid of the box. Do this gradually.
This is your living space too. Find ways to work around him. You do not need his permission to reduce the amount of stuff that belongs.only to you. You do not need to get his permission to weed out duplicates. If something belongs only to him, I'd leave that for last, after you've made progress with the rest.
Stand your ground. Expect him to object. Know living the way you've been living hasn't worked for you. Focus on what you can do to make life work better for you. I urge you to learn the meaning of assertiveness as compared to passivity and aggressiveness. Get started. Take baby steps. Know it's OK for your husband to be upset. You've gone along with what he's decided for years, he will want you to continue that way.
From your previous posts, it seems as though you and your husband are not functioning in a compatible way. You previously wrote about his eating habits, how he enjoyed "junk" food, and how you were trying to eat more healthfully but he was not cooperating or encouraging. Now you've got this small house in an upscale neighborhood and he has his shop tools and you have your sewing machines and craft supplies.
It's not just about his stuff and your stuff. It's about operating as a couple. What purposes do the shop and sewing items serve? Are they hobbies, or do they contribute to your jobs, or do they provide a way to spend time? Does your husband actually make things, or fix things, or does he just tinker for fun? Do you sew for people, or make window treatments, or do you just like making pretty things to hang on the walls? It's fine to just enjoy sanding wood or gluing on sequins, but when the materials required to do those things take over your house and provide nothing more than distractions, maybe they need to go.
It almost sounds like you and your husband are roommates who disagree. Are you both committed to being married and establishing a home where you both belong? Do you do things together?
I suggest that the two of you sit down together and talk some things over. You both need a home where you both can live. You both need to respect each other's needs and desires.
"George" sounds as though he's a bit of a hoarder, and you sound like you're very sentimental. Time to part with the past and forge a future. Talk to a counselor and get some accountability to get rid of multiple storage units and things that used to be necessary but aren't any more. It's similar to how parents hold on to cribs and playpens long after their kids are grown and long after their kids have bought their own cribs for their own babies and the cribs are not legally safe anymore, anyway.
Closing in the carport in an acceptable manner to the HOA in an expensive neighborhood probably won't be cheap. What about a storage unit? Do the math for say 5 years and see how much it will be. Might be a viable option. Of course get rid of as much as possible first.
I would rent a nearby storage unit. We also have a small house and we had a storage unit for a long time. I would move all the "childhood" stuff, double items he doesn't want to get rid of, and crazy things like cables he wants to save "just in case" It would also show good faith to store some of your hobby supplies (especially season-specific things when not in that season) in the storage unit, so he doesn't feel like you're just moving his personal stuff out. In fact, I'd probably do this myself when he is out of town. He doesn't want his stuff thrown away, and you don't want it causing a big cluttered mess in your home. You both get what you want.
I also agree with making your second bedroom into your sewing room. It sounds like it's really important to you to have that space, so why not just do it? Your day-to-day needs are more important than you saving a whole room for when you have occasional guests. When you do have guests, perhaps "George" can help you move some of your crafting things to the carport or to other areas of your house.
I would not close in the carport while he is gone since that's a huge change and costs $ - big decision you should discuss - but I WOULD have a yard sale and get rid of all that extra stuff!
I wouldn't close off the carport without his agreement, but what I would do is get some help and rent a storage space and move all the unneeded stuff there, and then I would invest in some nice floor to ceiling shelving (they even have ones that open to create more storage and close to open up space for when guests come) so I could fit all my sewing and crafting supplies in the spare room along with a futon or fold out bed guest can use. I would not continue to wait for him to take action, this is your home too and you have a right to be comfortable in it. If the upgrades and storage fees prove to be too expensive for him then tell him it is time to consider moving someplace without monthly HOA dues then so you can afford the extra storage.
Why not finish the basement and make it a craft room? Or rent a storage locker for anything that is still in boxes?
he has a shop out back? put his junk in it. store other things in the attic or basement. and toss or donate what is yours that needs to be eliminated check out pinterest craft room office and guest bedroom combinations. you may be able to go back to using that room as a craft office and have a murphy or air bed for guests. or find a storage unit to store all your stuff in you could even set up your craft stuff in a storage unit and just go there to do your sewing uninterrupted. and you won't have to see his mess as often since you wouldn't be home.
