Need Ideas....

My son was born at 30 weeks also....Instead of flowers, I would take a card and may be make a donation to the March of Dimes.They do a lot of work with/for preemies.

I think a plant would be nice but she might rather have a donation made in honor of the child. She might also appreciate a dinner that all she has to do is warm it in the oven. That would obivously be something to take to her house. I always take a dinner, lasagna, meatloaf, a vegetarian meal if they are vegetarians, soup and bread, maybe a salad. Hope this helps.

You are going, and they will remember that. I have heard from others who lost a baby, that what they dressed they in was the last memory. Maybe a tiny white gown or something, maybe, a pic frame for the footprints. Right now there may be too much grief for anything. Keep telling them you will be there when they need you, and, I am so sorry. When they are home, keep offering the hand of friendship.

As far a a gift maybe get them the little hand and foot print casting so they can make it if thier child as a rememberace and a disposable camera for them to take pictures and of course a card is always nice.here is somthing i looked up that tells you somethings you can do and somethings not to do
also a poem that i think might be nice called

"a Mother"

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked "What makes a mother" and I know I heard him say... "A mother has a baby"...this we know is true "But God?, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can" He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies and when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day, some I send to feel in your womb but there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby here." He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. "I wish I could show you what your child is doing today...if you could see your child smile with other children and this is what he'd say... "I go to Earth to learn my lessons of love and life and fear...my mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson quickly and my Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow this is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheeks and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here'."
"So you see dear sweet one your child is okay. Your baby is here in my home and this is where he'll stay. He'll wait for you with me, until your lesson on earth is through, and on that day that you come home, he'll be at the gates for you."
"So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on Earth may not realize until their time is done, remember all the love you have and know that you are a special Mom."

Author Unkown

What Can You Do to Help?

There are no easy answers, no standard approaches that are universally helpful. There are no magic formulas that will make the pain go away. It is natural to feel helpless when the child of a friend or relative dies. Remember that showing your loving concern can be very comforting to a grieving family. Please don’t avoid them because you feel inadequate. Families are more likely to reach a healthy, positive resolution of their grief if they receive continuing support and understanding. The following suggestions may help you provide that support:

— Don’t try to find magic words that will take away the pain. There aren’t any. A hug, a touch, and a simple, “I’m so sorry,” offer real comfort and support.

— Don’t be afraid to cry. Your tears are a tribute to both child and parents. Yes, the parents may cry with you, but their tears can be a healthy release.

— Avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” It is very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a child dies, and to say you do may seem presumptuous to the parents.

— Avoid using “It was God’s will” and other clichés that attempt to minimize or explain the death. Don’t try to find something positive in the child’s death, such as, “At least you have other children.” There are no words that make it all right that their child has died.

— Listen! Let them express the anger, the questions, the pain, the disbelief, and the guilt they may be experiencing. Understand that parents often have a need to talk about their child and the circumstances of the death over and over again. It may be helpful to encourage them to talk by asking a gentle question such as, “Can you tell me about it?”

— Avoid judgments of any kind. “You should . . .” or “You shouldn’t . . .” is not appropriate or helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to displaying or removing photographs, reliving the death, idealizing the child, or expressing anger, depression, or guilt may appear extreme in many cases. These behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following the child’s death.

— Be aware that, for parents with religious convictions, their child’s death may raise serious questions about God’s role in this event. Do not presume to offer answers. If the parents raise the issue, it would be better to listen and allow them to explore their own feelings. They will need to arrive at an individual philosophy about this.

— Be there. Run errands, help with household chores, provide child care, and help in whatever way is needed. Don’t say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.” That call will probably never come. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to do specific tasks.

— Give special attention to surviving children. They are hurt, confused, and often ignored. Don’t assume they are not hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times siblings will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents’ pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.

— Mention the name of the child who has died. Don’t fear that talking about the child will cause the parents additional pain. The opposite is usually true. Using the child’s name lets parents know that they are not alone in remembering their child.

— Be patient. Understand that grieving family members respond differently to their pain. Some verbalize, others may seem unable or unwilling to talk, some withdraw, and others strike out angrily.

— Sharing fond memories of the child through statements such as “I remember when she . . .” or “He had a wonderful gift for . . .” can be reassuring to parents and show that you appreciated their child and are aware of their sense of loss. Relate amusing anecdotes about the child. Don’t be afraid of laughter. It helps to heal the hurt.

— Remember the family on important days such as the child’s birthday and death anniversaries. Send a card, call, or visit. Let them know you remember, too.

— Gently encourage a return to outside activities. Suggest a lunch or movie as relief from the isolation of grief. If your invitation is declined, don’t give up! Ask again and again, if necessary. The third or fourth time you call may be just the day that an outing would be welcome if someone took the initiative.

— There is no standard timetable for recovery. Grief usually lasts far longer than anyone expects. Encourage bereaved families to be patient with themselves. They often hear, “Get on with your life; it’s time you got over this!” Those demands are unfair and unrealistic. When parents express concernabout being tired, depressed, angry, tearful, unable to concentrate, or are unwilling to get back into life’s routines, reassure them that grief work takes time and that they may be expecting too much of themselves too soon.

— Be sensitive to the changes a bereaved family experiences. Family members will adopt new behaviors and roles as they learn to live without the child. This is a painful and lengthy process. Don’t expect your friends to be unchanged by this experience.

— Refer a grieving family to The Compassionate Friends. Many types of support are available, both online (www.compassionatefriends.org) and through the nearly 600 TCF chapters in the United States which are ready to offer friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved families. Call the TCF National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010 for chapter referral information and to request a no-charge customized bereavement packet.

— Continue your contact with the family. Grief does not end at the funeral or on the first anniversary. Stay in touch often, and in conversation, as easily as you would mention any other member of the family, don’t forget to mention the name of the child who died.

I hope this helps...

Many many years ago, I was the one in the hospital and nobody came. The fact that you are going will mean so much to that poor couple. Take something baby-ish that they can treasure through there grief and then pack away -- a baby blanket or stuffy or rattle. Also, take a sympathy card. Mostly, just be there. If they want to talk, let them talk and/or cry. DO NOT SAY "it will be all right" or "you can have another baby." While they will hurt less eventually, they will never be the same. I can tell you from experience that if they cling together through this they will be a stronger couple for it. Remember also, that women grieve differently from men. He will seem to be "over it" much sooner than she. It took me years to get beyond my grief. Enquire about a service for the baby and be there for that if you can. Encourage them, and especially her, to get grief counseling. Also, she will still have to go through the lactation period. That will be physically painful as well as emotionally wrenching. Good luck and God Bless.

I lost a baby to SIDS at age 6 weeks. It was 15 years ago and I still miss her. So..how to help....

Bring a meal all made-in disposable dishes so they don't have to deal with returning them. Make a payment to their electric or water company, buy a gas card or better yet ask for their keys and fill up the car (time to run it thru the car wash?). There are books like a baby book but to fill with memories-check websites dealing with infant death. Talk to them as they feel the need and when you do, use the baby's name. Next month call them and let them know you are still there for them. Light a candle. Is there another child you could take off their hands for a few hours so they can visit the funeral home/minister/etc without the little one. Cry with them.

RS:
You are so kind to be brave and go to the hospital. A lot of people run and hide and don't support a family after a loss like that.
I would say take nothing. They have to pack it and carry it home from the hospital. I would wait and take dinner to them, or better yet, take them TO dinner to take their mind off of what they have been through. Or just let them talk about whatever, if loosing their baby is what they need to discuss, let them talk about it. I have learned that talking it out helps me a lot. My daughter was born with multiple heart defects and I found that people just wouldn't talk about anything being wrong with her. It drove me crazy. Like ignoring it would make everything better ya know? Anyway, I would pray and seek the Lord on this one. Be very very sensitive to what He tells you to do. As outlandish as it may sound to you, He knows what they need every moment of everyday. Are they having a funeral for the baby or a memorial service? I would then make a donation to Gideon's in the baby's honor or whatever foundation they wish people to donate to. They are going to need you more in the future as it starts to really settle in and the days go by. God be with them and you as you seek to minister to them. This is so difficult I know.
W. from Indiana

My Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Just go to them and listen, cry with them.
Hold their hands.. And hold them close if you can..
Just listen.
There is no answer. Just why.
That void will be strong.
The emptiness will be there.
Just listen.
You will know what to do.

Vicki W.

My good friend lost her son as he too was a preemie. The coolest thing that you are doing is visiting your friend and being there. A plant is nice or even some type of figurine. I think right now because of the loss it may not be the best time for a gift but maybe a little later...just from experience.

first i want to thank you and your husband for serving our country, we owe all our troops so much, that said i have been where your marines wife is right now on 16th 1981. the best thing you can do is be there for her, no false platitudes ie " you will have more children" and i pray that no one tells her like they did me, "there must be some unconfessed sin in your life" that one hurt me until i was older and learned God does not do that to us, and have your husband tell his marine to let his wife grieve at her own time frame, don't tell her like my x-husband did me to "get over it" we ladies are emotional beings and that baby was a part of her and she will need to grieve her loss at her own pace, but don't let her isolate her self either, i gather you may be an officers wife, you can help her by just taking her out for coffee, or include her on a shopping trip, make sure they have meals brought to them for awhile enlist other wives and take them meals for a week or so i hope this helps, you are right that flowers wilt but acts of kindness last forever
i am a 56 y.o. mom of a soldier, widow of a veteran, and future mom-in law of an army Lt.(my daughter finishes her 6 years in feb.) J.

It is wonderful that you are going to the hospital to see them. Take a card and tell them in the card that they are in your thoughts and in your prayers. When they get home from the hospital take dinner--the complete meal. She may struggle with feelings of depression and she will not feel like cooking. Then wait about two weeks and send her a plant. On the card tell them that they are still in your thoughts and prayers. It is a couple of weeks after something that it really starts to hit you hard. Please do not tell them that they can have other children. Another child never really replaces the child that you lost. If there is a service attend it with them. Losing a child is the toughest thing you can go through as a parent. Be sure to tell them to call you if they need anything. If she doesn't call you call her or stop by. The most important thing you can do is listen when she needs to talk. It is good they have your friendship.

I have never lost a born child but did have a miscarriage late in a pregnancy. That was a difficult time for me. People kept telling me it was meant to be and all of that type of stuff but I really felt a sense of loss. I would give her something that will help her remember her child rather then forgot. That may show more sensitivity. Perhaps a blanket with something nice on it. Like mother's angel. I know that may sound crazy. I ended up havign to name my child and have a moment with God to give him away. I wrote him a letter and then decided to go back to my life.

RS,
My priest once said, "When you don't know what to say/give, just do SOMETHING." The point is that although we wish to say or give just the right thing, it is the giving or saying itself that makes the biggest difference. WHATEVER you do will be from your heart, and
THAT is just what she/they need right now. I remember his advice every time I am in your situation. --H.

Maybe a book or a card. You can get too many plants.

I really like the idea of a donation, especially in the child's name. That gives some permanency to the child's life.

I also think it's great that you are going to see the family. So many are uncomfortable in that situation and so just stay away. While they are no "answers," being there to hug and comfort will mean a lot to the family.

My suggestion is to take yourself and a box of tissues. They will need your love and support right now and if you want to get something for them later you will find the right thing. I doubt they would even notice if you take something else right now.

I dont know if it would be good for right now but its worth a try. Have you heard of Caleb ministries. Its for women who have lost children? I dont know where your live so may take you while to get anything. I got a key chain and book. My sis lost twins but didn't know how to approach her and I haven't seen her since I got them. My friend from church lost a son and she is involved in this ministry to deal with his death. here is the website if interested you might find something to print out and maybe print out on construction dress it up a little bit to make a keep sake.

http://www.calebministries.org/calebcares/index.htm

I also have a speech delayed son. He is 4 he was dx in May with Aspergers ( high functioning Autism) and Sensory processig disorder, Hypersensitiviy, and he wears very thick glasses so he is vision impared. I also think he has Auditory processing disorder where he just dont understand or he been fooling me like the one that pushes the limits his older brother he 12.

I just lost my husband quite suddenly and unexpectedly, and I agree that flowers are pretty but not useful or lasting. Even the plants I received are more welcome b/c they are a lasting reminder of their love for him and us. Also, a painting and a Psalm 23 throw and a lighted musical ceramic church were quite thoughtful lasting gifts.

Unfortunately, my brain is still too foggy to make many suggestions but I can say this...think about what they might NEED. You might even take something quite small to the hospital just to let them know you care then ASK what would be most helpful. Food taken to the house, a roll of quarters for phones/vending machines if they're still going to be at the hospital for a while longer, etc. Maybe offering a place to stay for out-of-state guests.

As a nurse, I can also suggest not taking anything to the hospital that would be large and burdensome to carry home. I've seen many patients and families struggle with the load when it was time for discharge.

A donation to St. Jude Childen's Research Hospital is alway nice. You call the hospital and send them a check, then they send a very nice card to the recipient. Vanderbilt Children's Hospital may do the same thing. Your care and support are the most important things, though, I'm sure.

Maybe a lovely picture frame? That way they can keep a picture of their precious baby in it. Although it is uncomfortable when parents lose a child, this little one's life (no matter how short) needs to be celebrated. The parents will need to grieve this loss just as much as any other parent that has lost a child; they will appreciate that you will allow them to do that with a token that encourages remembrance. At a later time, you may wish to make a donation in the child's name to their favorite charity or to the children's hospital in your area. They will remember you most for validating that this was their child, no less loved than one that might have lived a longer life on this earth. Take care and let them talk about the little one if they want to - it helps the grieving process.

I know this is a little late, but I just wanted to say, as one military wife to another, THANK YOU! Too many military wives detach themselves from other wives, thinking that they are better than another, even in times of grief and need. I send my thanks to you, and my prayers to the family.

I'm sorry to hear the sad news. My prayers go out.

I'd like to reiterate what others have said....that in the coming weeks, your support will be so meaningful.

I had a friend who was due with her first the same time as I. While my daughter was born healthy, hers was stillborn. Nothing I could say or do would make that fair, but for weeks afterwards, the couple used to come and talk to us about their baby. Although it was uncomfortable for us ("What do we say?"), it seemed to help them.

She continued to lactate, of course, and it was very painful. For her, going back to the ob/gyn for a follow up visit was one of the most difficult things, so I went with her.

Every couple will have their own needs and grieving style and time table, but imho, just continuing to remember to ask about the baby in the months ahead will be a relief for them.

God bless...

PS: ooops, I just realized I'm late in this reply, sorry. "Day late, dollar short": that's me!

I would make a donation to March of Dimes in their and their child's name.
March of Dimes is the leading charity dealing with premature birth.

sorry for your friends loss. I would take a plant (that way it will last longer) and a nice card. Right now your presence and prayers for their family comfort at this time is really all you can do.

i think a nice card and a should to lean on

A small memory box would be a nice sentimental gift. Something she can put baby' clothes, picutes, lock of hair into. I was a Labor and Delivery nurse for 9 years. this would be an appropriate gift.

RS At a time like this I don't think you need to take anything but yourself. I try to put myself in her place and the last thing she probably wants are flowers or gifts. Just a kind and sympathetic word will go a long way right now. Maybe in a few weeks you could take her dinner or offer a day out. Keep her in your prayers because God is alway there. L. Ann

Maybe a card with some money in it. I am sure money would be appreciated.

My sister had a baby boy Zack who was premature and died three weeks after birth on Christmas eve. I know that just knowing people were there helped her. Their prayers and words of encourgement meant a lot to her. For we can not feel what they are going through we can let them know we are there for them. My sister was given a beautiful poem framed. I know it means a lot to her. Just let her know you there to listen or cry with. My sister is doing a lot better now. Zack will always be a part of her. I feel for her and she's in my prayers. May God bless you for helping her. I know that because a lot of people didn't know what to say to my sister they just stop coming around and calling.

Lots of kind words from the other moms. I just wanted to add that acknowledging the life, however brief, is always a good thing to do. I think we are always afraid to 'remind' people of losing their loved one - like they forgot! But it is usually uncomfortable for everyone, and everyone grieves differently.

It never occurred to me to take a "baby gift" for a baby that had died until after my sister-in-law had to deliver a stillborn baby several years ago. They knew the baby had died, and we were there for her at the end of the day, as many of her family and friends were. But no cards or pink bouquets were there. No gifts of any kind other thana few fruit baskets and flowers for mom and dad. Very sad, being their first baby, but it honestly didn't occur to anyone at that time. Next time around, she delivered twins VERY early, and one lived only 18 hours. But we all remembered the lesson and brought gifts - plants, cards welcoming little Evan to his family, cards to parents mourning his passing, angel figurines, and then lots of household chores as they lived 2 hours away from home for 4 months while the surviving twin fought for his life in the NICU. They still have every little keepsake, and one thing they still haven't done, but a friend gave to them was an offer to paint a portrait or do a pencil sketch of the baby taken from a Polaroid of him before he passed away. They haven't been able to bring themselves to do that just yet (6+ years later), but plan to do so for his twin brother someday...

Just show them love and that you acknowledge their loss as you would any other beloved family member.

I will keep them in my prayers.
A.

I agree with Jennifer, a plant would be nice but more than anything they need your support, presence and prayer. I cannot imagine anything harder than losing your brand new baby. My sympathy to the family.

I lost a baby 5 years ago, but not to a premature birth. A very good resource is www.nationalshareoffice.com. It is a website for the loss of a baby whether it is still birth, premature birth or neonatal loss. There is information on there on what to do/say and what not to do/say to support a grieving family. It is soooo helpful. Someone brought me a locket which I really liked. I put a picture of my baby in it and still wear it sometimes. Someone also brought me a book marker with a penny with an angel punched out. The book marker said something nice and I put the angel penny on my keychain (they gave us two, one for me and one for my husband). We still have them on our keychains. I also received several books...Losing You Too Soon by Bernadette Keaggy, Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis and When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. We also had many people make donations to the NICU at the hospital in our sons name. We made that request in lieu of flowers. The important thing is not to avoid the topic. If you can't think of anything to say, then just tell them how sorry you are. Again, the website is so valuable in helping you know what to do to support them through this loss. Best wishes.