My two year old girl (will be three in 2 months) is so sensitive to nearly everything that it debilitates her. Here are a few examples. She can’t wear pants, they bother her legs. She can’t wear socks if the toe isn’t aligned perfectly. She can’t wear a dress that has a tie in the back because the bow touches her elbows if she moves “just right”. She can’t stand how her underwear feel so she takes them off and screams for new ones. She goes through 2 dozen different ones every day. If she spills a tiny drip of food on her while eating she screams “I’m a mess” as loud as she can until it is cleaned off with water. Then she has to change her clothes before she finishes eating because they are wet. This happens every meal. She also has issues with preferences. She only wants to wear pink clothes with red shoes, she has to have her hair in a pony tale in a specific spot on her head or she rips it out, etc. I could go on forever. The biggest irritant to me though, is that when something bothers her she doesn’t just say so, she screams at the top of her lungs and throws a complete fit until I address what is bothering her. Once I “fix it”, she stops her fit, says sorry, give me a hug and is fine until the next thing bothers her. These fits happen nearly every time she gets dressed (in the morning, after a bath, before bed), eats, goes to the bathroom, has a runny nose, gets in the car, or any other time anything different happens. Sometimes it is all day long, sometimes I have a 1-3 hour break between fits. Some days I feel like I’m going insane. It is hard to get anything done or go anywhere because of this. It has been going on for over a month. I’m starting to wonder if it is a discipline/behavioral problem, just a phase, or if it is something like OCD?
I discipline her when she acts out, but it doesn’t stop how often the fits come. She will cry for hours if she doesn’t get her way exactly how she wants it. I try to give her one-on-one time and praise her when she is good. Although she likes it, it doesn't help much with this. I don’t know if I should be giving in to her “issues” or if she should just learn to deal with them. I don’t know what to do about her being so sensitive, and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My oldest daughter was sensitive but it didn't go this far. We were able to reason things out with her. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Thank you,
M.
Wow, thank you all for your responses. You have all been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate the time you have all taken to help me and my little girl out. I wish I could respond to you all individually.
After reading the responses, I took a step back and reevaluated my daughter and our situation. Although I see some of it is behavioral, I feel it crosses the line. I have read online a little about Aspergers, Autism, OCD, and Sensory Processing Disorder, and she does have symptoms for all four. It just dawned on me that I have a nephew with Aspergers and another with mild Autism. I didn't know enough about them to consider her having one of them. I feel the Sensory Processing Disorder fits her most accurately, but I will be taking her in to be evaluated as many of you recommended.
In the mean time, I feel I need to address the behavioral part a little differently than I have. I realized that she acts out even when it is too loud in the room (apparently a sign of Sensory Processing Disorder) probably because she would rather go to time out or have "bedroom time" where it is more quiet. Although I will be a little more consistent with disciplining her, and I won't put up with her fits/screaming, I'm going to do what I can to make things a little easier for her (keep the house more quiet, buy some clothes that won't bother her, etc.) and I will definitely be getting the two books recommended by some of you "The Out of Sync Child" and "Your Difficult Child".
I will also try the massages. Maybe if I also have her play with sticky things, like finger paints, play dough, etc. she might not be bothered by messy hands as much. ?? Or maybe she'll just freak out. We'll see.
If any of you have any more input please feel free to share it with me.
Thank you all so much for your insight and help.
M.
my 8 year old has had some sensitivities over the years also. I found seamless socks on the internet for her. They were around $9 for 4 pairs I think. I still have to cut out her tags 90%of the time.
M.,
This is called Sensory Integration Disorder and Occupational Therapist can really help. The Kid Foundation, Lucy Jane Miller, The Out of Sync Child are all great things to google for more information.
J.
I think its definitely time to draw the line. She can't be happy having to control so many things in her environment. She doesn't know how to accept things that bother her, you will need to help her see that everythings okay even if not perfect.
M.,
I highly recommend talking with an occupational therapist about this. Call your school district and see if they have free services through your family enrichment programs. My little 19 month old has some of the same issues as your dd and thanks to this wonderful site, (THANKS ALL!) I realized it wasn't normal so I called and now have help. He still screams, ALOT, but now I have a knowledge as to why and how to help him get through it. We all have our little "buggy" quirks, but your little dd needs a way to relax and enjoy life! So do you!!!! Call your school, and if she's fine then at least you know and can be ok with your sensitive girl! Good luck sweetie!
M.,
This is most likely not a discipline problem. Some kids are oversensitive to levels of touch, textures and levels of warmth or cold. I also suggest you contact your school district and ask about any programing they have to screen preschoolers, or if there is access to an occupational therapist. If not you can work through your doctor also. In my state, Colorado, we have what is called Child Find which assists parents with these kind of issues and how to geth your child some help with it. Until you get her into see someone you may try to figure out what clothes she tolerates the best and let her wear those only for a while. You might also want to write down her reactions to those things she does not like and what they are. It may help your Occupational Therapist or Doctor when you take her in.
Also, if some of her 'tantrums' are pure tantrums (like many 2-3 year olds do) try getting down to her level, hold her arms a her sides, and say, "When you talk like a big girl I will be ready to listen to you." Then walk away from her. If it is only a tantrum, this will work fairly quickly.
Good Luck!!
J.
I can see that you have had a lot of responses to your request, that's what I love about Mamasource. But here's my advice. I don't know anything about OCD, but maybe you should get her checked. But what I would do is make her dress herself the many times a day she seems to think she needs something changed. If it's a big issue when eating have her wear a bib. I cut a whole out of the middle of a giant towel and that will cover all of her clothes. When she screams at every little thing that bothers her, walk away. My daughter is very stubborn like that. She's 3. When she tries to throw fits like that I pick her up and take her to her room and tell her when she's done then she can come out. It took quite a while at first, but she figured it out pretty quick that Mommy wasn't going to put up with that kind of behavior. It was very hard for me at first to not try to do what ever i could to help her, but i noticed the requests getting more ridiculous. I hope all the advice helps you with your daughter.
Hello M.,
I went through this with my son- check out my blog and on the left you will find links- "the out of sync child" click that and that book might help you... Another good one was raising the spirited child.
http://W.-adventures.blogspot.com/
She might just be having a hard time dealing with transition- a simple 15 minute warning to let her know a change is coming can help. It also sounds like she like a routine too- which means surprises probably cause her alot of frustration.
Hope that helps!
Oh boy...I had one that did almost the exact same thing. She just turned six, and sometimes on an occasion will still pull something. You sound like you are really busy. I found out (the hard way) when I didn't give her "special" one on one time, it made it worse. Sometimes this is an attention thing. At least that was my case. I had to slow up and do story time, game time, or just something for a least a half hour, (sometimes not even that long!) To spend time with just her, and it seem to lesson the "issues". Mine still gets wiggy when she spills, and I noticed if I react calmly and let her know I will wash it asap, And or with any of the other issues I have to just act like it is okay she is upset. (sympathizing really helped me out here) Then the next reaction isn't so bad. It took a bit. I also to stick to a routine. Children need that.
You have several small ones, so she may feel like mommy isn't paying enough attention, (when I know you are doing your best!!) so she gets it thru this "acting out" and she probably doesn't even realize why she is doing it. Get someone to help you take your other wee ones once in a while, and do some one on one. See if that helps. I don't know for sure if it will, but it really helped in my situation. I TOTALLY understand!!!! And the fit afterwards is enough to drive you over a cliff at times, huh?
Good Luck!!! :) LT
You probably don't want to hear this but my son has autsim. He is very high functioning. But he has sensory issues. Such as clothing or he doesn't feel pain easy. But to me is sound like she might be extra sensitive to touch. My advice is find the clothes she does like and don't bother her and buy more of that. If you need her to wear a dress buy one that doesn't have a bow. Find what doesn't bother her and go in that direction. Maybe try boxers or bigger underware. And if you are going to go somewhere. Let her know. We always have to for worn our son every where we go just so he knows what is to be expected. We would have to say . Son we are gong to walmart, then to the bank and then to the post office and then we can go home. Sometimes we would even play a game ok where are we going next do you remember? Things like that. The good news is that he now doesn't need a play by play as sever as that. But I still have to keep him informed. If you get a bedtime routine that she is comfortable with do it every night. It gives them a sense of regularity which is comforting. I am not saying that your child has autism or anything like that. It just sounds like her skin is very sensitive. And these are just ideas of how to help that and helping her with feeling more safe with change. If you have any questions you can contact me. my email is ____@____.com.
HI M..
Man I know what your going through. So, in regards to your sensitve child, tell her, as calmly as humanly possible(and i know how difficult that can be) that her behavior is inappropriate, explain why, and tell her that she can go to her room, corner, time out chair, etc until she is ready to behave like a big girl. my oldest daughter has a tendency to whine, we stop it before it gets a chance to start. "you know how to ask like a big girl" "i can't hear you when you whine" "it makes me mad when you whine" "take a deep breathe and try again" etc. these are all phrases that she understands. i know how difficult it can be, but our three year olds are at an age where they understand and comprehend more at a higher level. so explaining things in terms of "this is what you did, this is why it's inappropriate" can go much futher than letting her cry it out, or scream until it's fixed(remember that part of her growing includes learning coping skills). my oldest also doesn't like to be dirty "i'm dirty", i tell her it's ok, cause she's just a little girl, but that she can help mommy with the laundry and help me clean her clothes, room, self, etc. i hope at least some of this helps. good luck. let me know how else i can help.
A. @ ____@____.com
Her strong character will certainly help her as an adult! No peer pressure with that one! But as a child, it is hard for a parent to deal with- I certainly know. As a thought, since you have 3 other children so close to her age, and one on the way, it may also be a way to get some attention. You said it has been only going on for a month, so what has changed in that month? Or more importantly, are these battles worth fighting? My two year old is similar, but like you said, if I ever want to get anything done, I can't play that game. Also, my nerves and my ears just can't take it, either. So, here is what I do. It may or may not work for you, but if you can take anything away from it, that's great. 1- Since she is not the boss of me, and I need to be able to also devote attention to her little sister, I let her have her fits, and if possible, try to redirect it by playing a Barney video, or leaving out some favorite toys or a coloring book, which eventually she may gravitate towards, and forget about the fit. 2- If I don't make a big deal of it, then I find she isn't as interested in doing it any more. Fine- wear you red shoes with pink, no pony tails for you, no dresses with bows, and you will wear a bib when you eat if you are going to have a fit if you get dirty. Or maybe you can get a little something on you and say "Mommy is a little dirty,too...no big deal." 3- For your own mental sanity, look at it and try to find the humor. You mention you "discipline" her for the fits. I don't know what that means, but if it is not working, maybe that is an approach you want to reconsider. It is hard when you are pulled in all directions and don't have a nerve to spare, but when I look at my tiny daughter, all cute with little pig tails and temper flaring, and her little lips curling just right as she screams "no" to me, now I just try to giggle a little and remind myself that it will pass. 4- As a thought, maybe you have some room to change some of the activities, like if she doesn't want to get dressed, then put her in pajamas, letting her know you aren't dealing with it all day. If she has pony tail issues, don't put her hair in a pony. Let her wear the red shoes with pink. And if you feel it is beyond the "2 year old Baditude", as I like to refer to it, professional help may be available. Remember, she is not the boss of you! But if you need to make some changes to keep the peace, maybe that is something to consider. And it may even be worth considering what is her relationship with her siblings, and could that be feeding into it? Or does she need some more socialization with other kids her age? Good luck!
Wait before you go putting a disorder on her. Many of us use things like ADD/ADHD or whatever as an excuse for bad bahavior. Having said that, I don't mean to accuse you of anything. I can't imagine how you must feel! It sounds to me like your daughter is pushing boundaries, and it's working for her, so she does it. Kids do what works. If throwing a tantrum gets her what she wants, she'll keep doing it. If she learns that she can still get what she wants by calmly asking, that may work too. She needs to know that her behavior is not okay. And you need to know that you're doing a great job, and it's going to be tough but you must be firm and consistent.
Lastly, it couldn't hurt to consult a professional about her behavior. Just be careful that you're not overlooking a simple behavior problem.
I would definitly talk to your pediatrician about it. I have a very sensitive daughter too, but she can usually be reasoned with, and if not, it is only about one thing, not everything. It sounds to me like it might be something more like OCD, or something along those lines.
Talk to your Doctor about your daughter's sensitivities, and ask for a referral to get a sensory integration evaluation by an occupational therapist. After seeing her, they should be able to provide you with some strategies to help, as well as some intervention to help her get better. Also, start keeping a log of the things that bother her, as well as the kinds of sensory things she likes. Does she like deep pressure more than light touch, warm water over cold, rough play over quiet play, etc? That information will help discover what makes her feel better.
hi M. my little guy was just like that at that age(he is almost four now) i finally took him to a child psych. on our initial meeting the psych said he either had an anxiety disorder(like ocd) or aspergers syndrome. turns out he has aspergers. that being said, i would take your daughter into a child psych. if you cannot afford one or do not have insurance, contact your local early intervention agency for testing. (i can give you more info on this if you need it) it sounds to me like she is being more than just difficult. as with my son, these types of things, clothes, shoe ect, were really upsetting to him and like your girl he is a great kid otherwise. if you get her in and there is a problem, you can get her help that much faster and you will all be feeling better , if it turns out to actually be a behavior issue then you will know for sure and be able to choose the appropriate parenting techniques.i hope this helps, i was at my wits end with my little guy before we took him in. now that we know what the problem is, we have gotten him help and things are way better!! gl, N.
It sounds like it could be a sensory disorder. My friend just had her daughter tested because she had the exact same symptoms you described in your daughter. My other friend has had her son in Ocupational Thearapy for similar symptoms as well. The OT did wonders for him.
I would have her tested if she were my daughter. It is so treatable. the OT is pretty fun for a kid. Lots of swinging and games and things that she will probably enjoy. I'm sure your daughter doesn't like feeling the way she does and knowing if this really is a sensory problem will help you to know how to understand and deal with her fits better.
Best, Julie
I would take her in for an evaluation. I have a child with sensory disorders. Your post sounds quite a bit like our day. To him those little things are real but you can work around them. Often my son stays in jammies because I stay home but he knows now that he must get dressed when we go out. I only buy a certain brand of socks, underwear, jeans, shirts. My oldest has autism so we did this for him as well and it helps. I'm sure you would prefer that she wears hand me downs or cute clothes but giving in to what is tolerable has helped my mental health. My sister's daughter has some of the same sensory issues and she does the same now. Only very soft fabric pants and comfy t's with plain not scratchy underwear and the same brand of just white socks. I'd love to choose cute shoes but instead we go through the stores until we find tolerable shoes. We also use a huge homemade bib at meals. Cut a hole in a large towel and line it with t-shirt ribbing. No more spills that MUST be changed before the meal is finished. Also massage sessions have helped tremendously. It teaches the nerves to accept more stimulation. We carry shooting muffs for noise too. We still have struggles but they are fewer now.
it sounds like you are a wonderful mom!!! I would talk to your pediatrician about the possibility of an ocd disorder. That would be my guess. I'm really impressed that you've been dealing with it so well though, I'm sure I'd be admitted to a looney bin by now.
Hi M.-
I think the advice seems to go between discipline and having her checked out. My cousin's child was similar and has something called sensory integrative disorder. Since they discovered this, they have been able to work with a specialist to really flatten out the child's mood. Yes, it could just be a "spirited" child, or it could be more. The sensitivities to being clean, eating and such do sound like something more. Hopefully you've got a great pediatrician who can recommend someone to you. Best of luck!
I would call Denver Options and see if you can get her evaluated. They deal with children under three and is a free service. Child Find is a rather long wait and deals mostly with over three. If you look for a Occupational Therapist, ask if they deal with Sensory Integration Disorder, not all do. A lot of thing that you mentioned are issues I have with my five year old son. From the time he was born, he cried a lot and startled easily. There were signs early on, he didn't like bathes, swaddling, baby food. I was told since he was a preemie, he would just out grow it. Not so, as his speech developed, he was able to express what was bothering him. Tags,socks,sleeves,tempurature, textures (clothes and food), hair on neck or touching ear. He has to match shirt and underwear. One day, he just pleaded with me not to make him wear socks because they made his toes hurt. It was not a 2 yrs old "No, you can't make me", tantrum. He looked me in the eyes, just sobbing, he really looked like he was in pain. That is when I started reading and gathering information. I know it can be nerve racking at times, hang in there.
I not sure if this is the answer that you are looking for, but I have a daughter who is now 6 and had very similar issues. Everyone thought that I was just a push over and that my daughter just needed a good spanking.
After a few years of dealing with these issues I took her to see a psychiatrist. Turns out that she has early on-set bipolar disorder. We started her on the proper medicine and things are great! She sleeps,she wears jeans and socks and shoes!!
She even smiles and gets along with everyone
Alish
Sounds to me like you have a nearly three year old, this is complete control of your household.
This is a tantrum strictly for attention and control.
I wouldn't change her, I wouldn't allow her to disrupt my every meal.
If she throws these tantrums at meal time, then take her to her room, and let her know that it is not acceptable behavior for her to act like that at the dinner, breakfast, lunch table.
I would put her in her room every time this screaming occurs.
She will eventually run down, even if she does scream for hours.
I am sure your nerves are frazzled at this time, so a few hours could send you over the edge.
But you have got to establish the fact that her actions are NOT acceptable behavior and you will not tolerate it.
I don't believe spanking will help, calm, very firm reasoning.
She knows that every action, has a reaction, YOU DO WHAT SHE WANTS.
Not what she is supposed to do.
Good Luck
I am thankful mine are all grown. My baby is 35 yrs. old
I don't know a lot about disorders, but it sounds like your little one might have one.
It may be just a phase, and if I were you I'd do things like have her play in the bathtub or a basin outside with all her clothes on, getting used to "it's okay being wet/messy/whatever". Maybe I'd get her a haircut.
I'd probably skip socks and shoes for the rest of the summer, going with slip-on sandals (baby powder for her feet so they don't stick and smell). Maybe next fall the phase will be over. As for the screaming, I'd say, "I can't hear you, you're too loud, can you whisper?" and quit responding to the screams.
But all my advice is based on the idea it's just a phase. Do what you can to see if it's a bigger problem, because who knows what might exacerbate the issues?
Typically kids go through "quirks" with my daughter it was the socks no strings on her socks or clothes, with my son it was the line on the socks being on his toes and tags in clothes.
However, if it seems a wide variety of things have her checked out. My friends daughter is like this and has a mild case of spectrum disorder. It isn't anything serious, just a sensitivity to the way clothes fits (she won't wear underwear or pants) and little things like that. She would too freak if she got wet. Kids with this disorder really are super sensitive to a number of things.
Just be sure it is or isn't anyting as if you catch this stuff early it can really help.
It may just be exerting her independence. Try giving her choices about her clothes then explain if that is what she chooses then she has to wear it. I do this with my daughter on ocassion. I still get trouble with her about certain clothes or shoes when they are fine but she is having a bad morning. Put the power back on them for their choices and sometimes that helps. Good luck
The book thats called the out of synch child or something of that sort sounds like a book that will help. She just may be on the 'spectrum' that is now being touted. This book shows many different types of symptoms and is very compassionate. Child Find in the Boulder area can help you too. They have many resourses they can direct you to....
Good luck
Your daughter sounds like she may have a sensory integration problem called tactile defensiveness. Her nervous system may be highly sensitive to touch, especially light touch, like the bow touching her arm. She may react with a defensive reaction. Think about how you would respond to every little touch if you knew there were mosquitos in the room. The light touch of a drop of water on her skin can actually feel uncomfortable, even painful. Kids like this are usually very picky about clothing, food textures, bathing, bedding, hugs, etc. They may strike out at another child for brushing against them, and want to avoid being too close to other kids to protect against touch. Chances are, she may also be overly sensitive to movement (car trips, swings, rough-housing), and sound, too. An occupational therapist that specializes in Sensory integration will be able to assess this and may be able to help her tremendously (you too, as it is very challenging raising a child with these issues) Rewards and punishments will not change the way she processes information, and may just add to her stress. Look for the book, "The Out of Sync Child" as a starting point, and contact your Child Find organization for assessment. I feel your frustration!!
I have read the responses and think there is some good advice there. Child Find is a good place to get started and most school districts host one a year. A past coworker of mine had a child with aspergers too and mentioned some of the same things you mentioned about your daughter. I am not one to try to "label" every behavior kids have, but sometimes it is not just misbehavior or attitude. Sounds like it might be something she doesn't have control of at this point. Good luck!
I would tell her "Oh this is so sad, Mommy can't make you happy so I think we will try daycare."
Send her to a community type daycare where she will be with others her age in a place where nobody will be at her beck and call.
She will either love it at daycare or she will quit expecting you to cater to her every whim so that she can stay home. Not every kid is best served by a staying at home with mom.
Better for her to learn this lesson now while she's young than when she's a teenager. Think of what it will be like when the new baby is there. She will find new ways to control how much attention she gets!
If that doesn't work, I would contact your local Birth to 3 agency and have her tested specifically for some kind of sensory disorder. They may send you on to a psychiatrist for the OCD option.
Set the rules now... or she will run all over you very soon. I work in a day care and have a girl just like you daughter. I don't put up with it and the dirctor gives in... or used to. When I was the room teacher and she had a fit. I would clamly tell her that she is disruptive to the other kids and could sit on the spot ( we have a rubber circle on the floor) until she was clam. At first she would scream for an hour. I would ingore her. She would eventually get bored and come join us. I worked with her on explaining what she was feeling with "feeling faces" (Happy, sad, mad, excited, etc) that we have on a board, and tell her she had to use her words to tell me because I don't understand screaming.
She is not over them completely, but it is better.
Let her know you understand that she is upset, but firmly tell her that she is being disrespectful and will have to leave the table, room, situation until she is calm. If you are ok doing all the laundry then she can change her clothes, calm down and come back. If not then she can come back once she is calm, but she will not be changing. You will clean her clothes when it is time to get in our jammies.
You need to take the wheele from her.. she is "driving the car". this can't be fun for her. Taking control will not be easy, but everyone will be happier in the end.
Good luck!
I would say that I would consult a doctor about this and if they say you shouldn't worry about it then I would find another. I have an OCD brother, mother, ex-husband and a slight OCD son. This sounds exactly like OCD to me and I would highly recommend having her checked for OCD asap. The reason I would take it sooooo seriously is that IF she has it then the sooner you catch it the better chances you have at making it better. IF she has it then it will only get worse and trust me, she has no control over it and it is VERY hard on her as well. I have been around very picky and bratty kids but this sounds exactly like OCD or something very similar. I would find out if there is anyone in your family that has OCD and be able to tell the doctor if there is because it is genetic. My ex-husbands family are very OCD but they hide it very well. His sister takes three hours to get ready in the morning because she has to touch so many things so many times and do certain things over and over that she cries about it.
it sounds like you need to see a specialist who can help with her issues. one thought though: have you tried getting her dirty on purpose, like a mud fight or play in spaghetti. I don't know if you're a super clean mom or if you're more laid back, but maybe she needs to learn to be messy now and then. but it does sound like her problem is serious enough to see someone about it. Good luck!
It could be just a phase but I would ask her Dr. I have a boy with aspergers and he has some of these issues. I also know it is very different with girls and this could just be one of those fun phases!
