Need Help with Deployment

Hi T.,

I can't even imagine what you are going through. I do know that there are groups on base that can help you cope with the deployment. Usually other wives, mothers. You may want to contact family services.

I know it gets pretty tough. My husband was gone a year while I was pregnant with our first. I was really depressed for a while. And my sister had a one year old when her husband left. So i can relate a little. It helps if u have friends or family. Which i don't have any here. Try to stay busy. But your still going to miss him. Hopefully the year will go by fast. Try not to count down every day like I did. :)

I also have a three year old who does the same thing and my husband has been gone for 10 months! They dont seem to grasp the concept of time. We realize he is going to be gone for a year but to them "what is a year?" It could seem like just a week to them or it could seem like ten years! I have a video of my husband reading green eggs and ham for my girls and when they get to missing him terribly i put it on cuddle with them help them follow along in the book and talk about how great he is and how much we miss him. My oldest daughter is five but my other is three and she seems to feel alot better after we watch the video. It is ok to cry, military spouses go through an emotion that is impossible to understand unless you have gone through it yourself. You can only hold the weight of "be strong, and stay strong"for so long before you have a weak moment, and that is perfectly fine. You can try getting a stuffed animal that will remind her of him and spray his cologne on it and let her cuddle it at night time or carry around with her when she is missing him. You can get her a cheap little locket to put his pic in for her. My five year old likes to wear dogtags to remind her of him. Just make it feel like he is there as much as possible and it will help her feel better.

it is hard my husbend too left for iraq when i was 5 months prego n came home when he was 6 months old. then 3 months later he left to korea for another yr. now he will be leaving at the end of the month to iraq again. so i know exactly whatu are going through. i have been there many times. but my advise is keep busy with friends. or the kids take them out even if its to the park or to the mall just too walk around. trust me just stay busy it gets easier but it will always hurt when u think about it. now just keep busy.do something anything. play games but i know when all is done u go home at night or too bed something is missing. i know how hard it can be but u need to stay strong for the kids let them know daddies at work and he loves u very much. he will come home soon. just let them know that and your daughter tell her daddies at work. its hard i would get all sad with tears in my eyes but i would swallow it n keep going at the same time the 1st deployment and some of his korea tour i was int the service so of course i was very busy. but once i was a stay at home mom it got real hard and he had been gone so long already but i just do diffrent things with friends. family. u know those. but i will be here if u need help with anything. just email me i live in the medical area. so if u have any questions or just to talk i am here. take care and be strong for u and him for the kids.

love A.

When my husband (now ex-husband) left,I didn't want to get out of bed for the first week he was gone overseas. I thought my world was falling in around me. Luckily, I had friends that would "bother" me until I agreed to get out with them. Once I started going places and doing things with my friends, it wasn't quite so hard. Of course everything that we did, and everwhere that we went made me think of my husband, so I just thought about the good times that we had. Plus, I made sure to take pictures of myself and our friends together to email to him. In each pic I would include a comment about the pic. It kept me busy, and liked getting the pics.

Well, although I have never delt with this particular situation myself I do have a lot of girlfriends that have....I would love to invite you to meet some of them...I really admire them (and you) for what they have to go through and all due respect it takes an amazing woman to fill those shoes. I know it must be difficult but I assure you...you will find a friend that is going through this with you and sometimes that helps a lot....email me if you'd ____@____.com
lots of hugs, A.

I have been in your situation before. My two oldest girls were nearly 3 and 1 and 1/2 when I received word that my husband would be deployed for an undetermined amount of time. I noticed when he was only gone for 45 days before that the two year old would stand by the door around the same time every evening anticipating Daddy walking through the door at any minute. About 2 weeks after he left (the 45 day deployment), he called and I let my oldest child listen to voice. Nearly every day after that she would bring me the cordless phone and say, "Mommy, call Daddy." Since Daddy was in some dessert in Spain, there was no way for me to call him.

When I found out he was leaving to go somewhere I wasn't allowed to know about and they didn't know how long they were going to be there, I just thought about my two-year-old and decided to call my sister-in-law who lived a 9-hour drive away. She had plenty of room to put me and my two little girls up while my husband was away. Plus she had three boys and one of them was the same age as my oldest girl.
This helped my little girl not miss Daddy so much. Once I got the first letter from my husband, I read it to my daughter and asked her if she would like to write him back. I showed her on a map where we were and where Daddy was. Then I showed her a picture of the ship he was on. (I was able to download a picture on the Internet.) Though I didn't think about it when I called my sister, this arrangement actually ended up helping me get through the time of uncertainty as well. The older two boys were a great help with the 1-year-old.
I only packed what we needed for the trip and I called the police department where we lived to inform that we would be gone and I would appreciate the department making some routine drives through my neighborhood and inform me if they notice anything strange. I also had two other families who lived on my street watching out for our house. Once a month, I drove back to out house with my girls and stay for two nights and then go back to my sister-in-law's.
Every day we would take my husband's picture and say a prayer that God keeps him safe and brings him back home safely. Eventually, the time passed and I got the call that he was on his way home.

i would suggest #1 stay busy. find a hobby, start going to the gym, go to as many playdates as you can, anything to keep your mind off him being gone. #2, make sure you take time for yourself. i think you get 10 hours of free childcare a week with CDC on post. otherwise, pay a friend! it's worth it for your sanity! even if you just go shopping alone or out to eat with a friend or get your hair cut or something. #3 connect with other moms/wives of deployed soldiers. i'm in a myspace group where probably 90% of the wives have hubbies that are deployed. we get together for playdates and girl's night out a lot so if you have a myspace, message me and i'll send you the link to the group. i think there's also a waiting spouses group on fort bliss, through ACS. i know FRGs aren't always the best but there are lots of other resources for you while he's gone! message me if you'd like my e-mail address or yahoo IM ID too, i'd be happy to chat with you sometime. i have an almost 3 yr. old girl and a 9 mo. old girl so we have a lot in common!

Another Military Wife here. I am in agreement with the rest. Stay busy! You may say I have lots of things to around the house. let some things go and concentrate about having fun with the kids and get your closest friends to help you.

I will pray for you, email me anytime! God Bless

D.

Deployments are the hardest thing that any military family could go through. Like you, my husband would only go away for a few months at a time. Now he is away for a year and left a week ago. The only way that I'm getting through this is by keeping me ultra busy. I am a SAHM of a 3 year old girl, 2 year old boy, and a 6 month old boy. I'm going to classes online that takes up a lot of time. And doing small projects around the house. One of them cleaning. I don't think that I've seen my house this clean in a long time! Next is moving some of my stuff into his closet, painting the house, etc. Then I will be traveling with the kids to see family and friends. Before I know it, my hubby will be home with us again! Just take one day at a time, small, short term goals. Don't look at the whole time that he is gone, otherwise you won't survive this deployment.

As for you daughter, the only good thing is that she is still young and may not remember this. Be happy that this isn't happening when she is 10. When my husband left he told my two older ones that he was going to work and will be back soon. To be good for me and he'll come back as soon as he can. Now when someone asks my daughter where her dad is, she's say "Daddy's working". I made the biggest mistake the other day. The kids were in bed but my daughter was still awake. I went to get a piece of paper from a basket and accidently opened up the garage with the garage opener. She heard that and she ran out saying "Daddy's home! Daddy's home!". It made me feel terrible but I explained to her that Daddy is at work and that he'll be home soon and she would get to talk to him on the phone soon. She was content with that and she was off to bed. It's ok to cry or even get mistied eyed, we are human and when something is taken away from us we get upset.

Hope that you feel better. As the saying goes "time heals all wounds". Keep your chin up!

I would also suggest that you get out of the house, you and the kids. It wouldnt be a bad idea either to maybe take them to daycare or get a babysitter a couple times a week that way they would be out doing other stuff and you could have time for yourself too. Theres nothing wrong with crying, its a really tough thing to go through. You just need to stay busy, join a mommies group or a playgroup.....I have one if you are interested in joining it just let me know. Wish I could help you out more, I know how hard it is.

T., I have been in your shoes too many times to count. My Husband has been to Iraq twice a total of 14 mths, school about 3 times and he is now on his third tour to Korea for a year. I am 25 with three boys, 7, 2 and 3 months. It is extremely hard especially with my oldest because this is really a time when he needs daddy here. I guess you could say I am a little used to the deployments but I feel really bad for my boys. My husband is deployed so much he has missed out on a lot.

What I can say for you is that eventually it gets easier. It's okay to cry and miss him like crazy, but as hard as it may be try not to let the kids see it. Contrary to popular belief, your babies feel you pain. When you start to feel up to it try making play dates with other moms who's husbands are deployed. It gives you a chance to take your mind off of things as well as the kids.

Just remember, it will get easier and those days will start to fly by and he will be home before you know it.

I'm going to assume that you live on or close to base - I'd look into forming a group for parents who've had their spouse deployed. This will give you a good group to bounce with.

Your daughter would also benefit from playing with other kids who have been in the same situation - you'd be surprised at how a six or eight year old can understand and put an explanation on her level.

You also might talk to a physician about situational depression. A little bit of therapy or a combination of therapy with a short course of antidepressants might be all you need to put you back into your "normal" mindset.

Please be aware that depression in a parent multiplies the risk of depression in children, as well as behavior and sleep problems. By taking care of yourself you will be doing your children a huge favor.

*hugs*
S.

I definately know how you feel!! I left the military when I was 6 months pregnant with our son and 1 month after he was born my husband decided to go overseas to pay off our bills and buy a house to start a family in. So, we moved in with my parents at first b/c it was going to be me and a newborn (my first). My husband left to go overseas when our son was 3 months old and he has now been gone for a little over 14 months with no sign of coming home anytime soon. It was really hard at first especially when it came time to move me and a 6 month old into a house by ourselves... the best advice that I can give you is to keep yourself busy... the less time that you have to think about things, the happier you will be. I started taking online courses from the local college at night.. until I found that i was exhausted.. and now, I just enjoy sitting & watching tv or something. Keep your head up and the less time you give yourself to dwell on things the better off you will be!!

Hi T.
I'm another military wife, DH has been gone for 9 months already. We have a 6 and 9 year old and I've been doing this superwoman/military mastermind thing for 10 years now!. I have a ton of things to help you out, but due to OPSEC can you email me and I'll point you in the right direction (I'm a Keyspouse for our Sqdrn)

hugs you can do this..... you just have to be more creative this time! I'm here for you! just shoot me an email

D. :)

T.,
The only thing that I can tell you is that you need support from the squadron. Before my husband and I were married he had to go to Saudia Arabi for 3 months and I thought that was the hardest thing for me. We had been dating almost a yr and never was seprated. I had went to talk to some friends and family. What you can do is write letters, record tapes and sned vidoes. I am sure that will be great to get some of those thigns from home....... GO and talk to someone in his unit I think that they are posed to help you out when your spouse is deployed.....

I am so Thankful for your husband! He is awsome to fight for our country & freedom. I thank both of you as well as your little one for the sacrafice of being apart so that we can be free. As for what to do. My dear...all I can say is what can I do to help you? If you need a friend.. I will be honored to become your friend. My husband & I just had a baby boy after 7 years of being told I would not be able to. We know how much you really need help. Children definately keep you busy. My Grandfather is retired military & my family is very close. I would love to help with things if you need help. If you need help with something breaking around the house my hubby can help out with fixin it. I have lived in Copperas Cove my entire life. My entire family is here. I am a nurse. There is nothing to make you stop missing him or stop crying. It is hard being apart from your best friend. However...do you have a web cam. Alot of people use those & talk to thier loved ones daily with these. They get to see them this way. There are some cheap ones at Wal mart.You dont need an expensive one. Your little one would get to see Daddy this way too. It will make you feel closer. Also ...keep a calendar & mark off each day to count down his return. Each day you mark off is one less day without him. The web cam will allow you to see him though & make you feel a little closer when you talk to him. Please let me know what I can do to help you through this difficult & hard time.
V.