Need Help. Stressed over Having Another Child

I think most people have a phase when they find out there is another baby on the way. My girls are 18 months apart. Both my husband and I worked full time up until my 2nd was born. We NEVER thought that we could afford for me to stay home. But we have managed and both the girls are even attending a private school. It is just being more creative and seeing what things you are willing to give up. Beleive me, having my 2 daughters is worth all that I have given up. (As like you we were very active, travel ect....now we do other things) good luck! I wish you the best,K.

Hi! My name is Lorraine.. I know what you are talking about. It's not a horrible thing to worry that life will change because of a second baby. I have an 8-month old baby boy and just recently, I thought I was pregnant again and I freaked out! I was seriously ambiguous as to whether or not I even wanted another baby. I know how you are feeling. You are comfortable with the life you have now and have no intention of changing it. I feel the same way. Don't feel horrible for not wanting the stress of dealing with two children. Even one takes a lot out on us, you know?

D. dont feel like you are a bad person it is just the thought of change that is making you feel this way trust me i know how you feel cause i am in the same boat as you, but i am 7 1/2 months and i have felt this way through out my pregnancy, I feel like I am a bad person for feeling this way but people tell me that it is normal and that once the baby comes it will all be ok and you will start thinking different.

Wow--lots of responses! My two cents:

1) You're human.
2) I planned my second and still went through what you are feeling now.
3) Keeping it is your decision.
4) Only children turn out ok (siblings are not required).
5) Children with siblings turn out ok too (rivalry can be a good thing).
6) Children of unhappy parents have a rough time.
7) If you keep it, you will--of course--fall in love with your second child just as much as your first one (even if sometimes for different reasons)!
8) You will sometimes miss being "mother of one"--because it is easier!! No refereeing, no "who broke this??"
9) It is double the love. Your heart just stretches as the new guy squeezes in.
10) You, your husband, and your first born, will acquire a whole new set of coping and negotiation skills!
11) Most cars seat 4.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Let me start by saying I don't know if this will help you. I just had my second in December. My husband and I had planned for it, but the pregnancy happened so quickly that I ended up feeling regretful and not prepared at all. I spent the first part of my pregnancy wondering if I should have a second child at all. My first daughter is three and had just started preschool so I was getting time to myself for the first time since we moved here a year ago. I do a lot of volunteer work, work parttime, and still have about a year to go for school. All I could think about was how a second baby would mess up my schedule now. It changed when I felt her move when I was about 18 weeks along. Dealing with two kids is definitely a change, but I don't think it's as stressful as everyone told me it would be. For the first month I stayed at home a lot, but then I got used to getting two ready and being out the door on time. My husband and I still get our weekly date and we spend a lot of time with couples who have kids so our kids don't impact our social life that much. My oldest was very involved in the pregnancy and is like a little mommy. There was no adjustment period for her and there seems to be no jealousy. It's easy to let the thoughts of what's to come scare you, but when it comes down to the wire everything will be alright. I just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely not the only person, mother, to feel overwhelmed by the idea of a second child.

D.
well there is no way to prepare for a baby you just have to adjust no you are not a bad person for having those feelings as a matter fact I belive they are normal getting preganant with-out planning is scary this is comming from a woman you got pregnant on the pill my son was my 2nd as well and I just wasnt ready I was angry at first not at the baby but a little at my self and a little at my husband and I was so very sick the whole time and had lots of cramps whitch made it harder but once my son got here I couldnt love him more it really takes time and a lot of patience even more with a child her there terrible 2 and yes it seems that ever even number of age is a test and the the odd number a brezze just hang in there everything will work its way out and dont feel bad for having feelings remember we al are only human and feelings ar Normal
whats not normal is when we act out on those feelings
thanks
M.

Have you thought about hiring a post partum doula to help you when you come home from the hospital? Having this set up now could take a huge load off your mind and give you a contact for resources now. I'm not sure where you live, but you can visit www.dona.org for a doula in your area and to read more about the benefits of having a post partum doula. (There is information on birth doulas as well.)

Your not a bad person! What a responsible person you are for considering these things. And you are completly normal.

I myself have two children and having a second child complelty turned my world upside down. You really never know how a childs personality is going to turn out. My first son who is 14 now has been an absolute pleasure. Has not give me a day of trouble his entire life. Passive and sweet and caring. Now my two year old has been hell bent since he was in the womb. It is very possible that your second child could turn out to be passive.

When I found out that I was pregnant with my second 4 days after telling my husband he walked out on me. He took all the money and most of the things we owned with him. I was left homeless for a while while being pregnant. I decided to keep my child. I knew it was going to be bad to have to raise a child with my ex now husband. He is the craziest child I have ever come across. Completly unruly and spoiled and never seems to sleep. My financial security is now a joke. I have seemed to have aged ten years. But its funny when you look at them all of that seems to go away. I now cant imagine my life without my wild spirited two year old. Whatever desicion you make you will adjust to it. As much as you have been through with your first child Im sure when you look at his little face all you feel is love. You are normal!! Whatever you decide is what was meant to be and you will adjust either way! Hang in there =)

I definately know what you are going through, I discoverd that I was pregnant with my second on the day that I had an appointment to get an IUD. I went to the doctor anyway and said, I guess I am here for another reason, and then broke down in tears. I am a planner, and the next 5 years of my life did not include a baby. =) It honestly took me a few months to really become happy about the idea, although I faked it for the benifit of certain family members who thought I was horrible for not being excited. I eventually got used to the idea and became more and more excited as I re-planned my life =). Now that she is hear I cant imagine life without her, sure I dont have as much freedom, and it takes me longer to get anything done, but I wouldnt trade it for the world. The blessings FAR outweigh what I THOUGHT I was loosing. I didnt really lose anything, just rearaged my priorities. Now when people ask why I waited so long to have my second (they are almost 5 years apart) I just tell them "I didnt know how much I wanted her".

Its ok to feel the way you do, please dont feel ashamed of yourself like I did. Things always have a way of working out.

I just found out I am probably pregnant last night. I have a 20 month old daughter that has been the joy of me and my husbands life. I was just planning on going back to school and just interviewed for a job. We are already struggling financially and even though it was in my thoughts for my daugther to have a sibling some day. I had planned to expand our family maybe when she was closer to four years old and we were both set in our careers. I am in total shock right now even though I truly believe it is a blessing to bear and have children. I am wondering if you want to stay in contact so maybe we can support or give eachother advice?
my email : ____@____.com

Hello D.,
I hope you don't mind me jumping right in on this one, but I saw your request, and as a mother of five children, I felt compelled to write.
First, NO, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. It is VERY normal to question the huge life change(s) that come with the birth of another child. I do want to encourage you though. I was, at one time, in your shoes. My now oldest daughter, (14 yrs old), was a strong willed, bright, high energy child. The thought of having another was almost too much. (I couldn't manage one, how would I manage another?)
Looking back now, I can't imagine not having each one of my children. It was actually easier having more than one, as you are no longer the only source of their universe and all entertainment. The trials and trib. that came with the added expense, the decisions about where I would give my time, & what I would have to give up are actually what built my carachter and made me and my children stronger. This is such an important subject, & I am running out of room...please feel free to shoot me an e-mail, as I don't want to gloss over your request. I would love to share with you how I managed, & the things that helped. J.

Good Morning D.,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now :( Don't stress, though. Everything will be fine. You are obviously a strong and capable woman, and you will be able to handle another child beautifully. You are aparently smart, motivated, and you love your family. That is all you need to succeed in life. Right?! Just stay confident in yourself and don't be afraid to lean on your husband, and other family and friends. That is what they are there for.

Email me any time. I would be happy to chat with you!

Kind regards,
K.

____@____.com

Hello well first of all, you are most definitely not a bad person for not wanting another child. You do have options. Of course I don't want to offend, but, you can have an abortion, it's not too late. Naturally that's an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if you feel that strongly, than I would. Now if that's not an option for you, than you can give it to a very loving family through adoption. You can pick the parents that you want. Ohter than that, you know what the other option is. I know you've probably thought about all these things, but don't beat yourself up over the way you feel. If you decide to have the baby, you'll make it work. And you'll love the baby just like you did the first time. It'll all work out for you, no matter what decision. I hope I have at least made you feel better, you're not a bad person, just worried. You'll make the right decision. Take care and good luck!!

Hi D.! I wanted to share a couple things with you if I may.
Well, the only advice I can give you on feeling stressed about having another baby would be to trust God and pray about it. So far I only have one baby (almost 7 months) but my husband and I want to try later this year to get pregnant again. I am scared too, but I just know that it will be okay. Most people have more than one baby and they do okay.

Also, I "work" from home. If your job is something that you are scared about, I am involved with two stay-at-home businesses that are GREAT- especially very beneficial with having children. I would love to tell you more about them if you are interested.

Thanks for "listening".
-B. S
email me: ____@____.com

You are having normal feelings. The question is , how do you proccess what you are feeling and who do you go to for some help. I can reccomend , a few different sources , I have a large community resource list . If you want some referrals, feel free to give me a call. J. ###-###-####

Becoming a mother of 2 does change everything and no you arent a bad person for not wanting another I mean I would DIE if i got pregnant with a 3rd but at the same time it would be my fault for not preventing a 3rd and I would love the baby just as much since it didnt ask to be conceived. You cant stress about your social life and work to much yet because you do learn to adapt to things that come your way. Being a mom of 2 now i wouldnt change a thing about it. My kids are almost exactly 2 1/2 years apart and just adore eachother i couldnt imagine not having my daughter and yes it put a kink in things, I have been home longer than expected, its harder to find a babysitter for 2 than it was when there was only 1 and I am much more tired than before but i dont regret 1 thing. Since you are only 6 weeks along once the shock passes I hope you become more ecxited about the thought of having another little one then prevent anymore there after

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I would feel the same way as you if I was to be pregnant again. I'm sure you'll figure things out. It isn't wrong to feel this way. You just need more time to get used to the idea.

Wow! Youre a human being! And it's going to be ok! :) I'm 8 months along with my second child too, and at first I felt the same way, but that feeling went away. In all honesty, things will change but they are not gonna change that much. You'll have an extra mouth to feed, an extra body to carry around, and a larger audience when it's storytime. You are not a bad person for being stressed out about how your future will change. I've had to make changes and sacrifices in my life as well, and I have no regrets about any of them. If I didn't have any kids right now, I would be in India doing genetic research on tigers! lol! So, you have a fork in the road, make the best of it, and you will have no regrets. :) Good luck! :)

Your feelings are very normal. I had those feelings with my first pregnancy. I was supposed to finish school, but surprise, out came my daughter. I now have 10 month old little boy, and that was planned. My husband and I figured when my daughter was 3 years old, it was time for another, we didn't want to wait anymore. We had the idea that we wanted to "get it out of the way," since we knew we wanted 2, and didn't want them to be too spaced apart in years.
My coworker at work, the mother of 2 recently had a baby. When she found out she was pregnant, she was 4months already. She is a cancer survivor and the doctors told her she wouldn't be able to have anymore. Much to her surprise and disapointment a new baby was on the way and she kept talking about how she didn't want to start over again; that her kids were already old enough to do things for themselves. Now the baby is 4months old and she can't imagine life without him.
I know right now it seems hard; and this is the last thing you want, but once that baby is in your life, you won't be able to imagine it otherwise. I don't know what your plans for having kids was, but maybe it is better that it is happening now. I have to say, even though my first one was a surprise, I am glad it happened the way it did; otherwise, I don't when we would have had kids! Good luck to you. Don't worry about your feelings...they have been shared by many good moms.

Dear D.,

No, you are not a bad person, you are a busy person, who loves her life right now, and someone is coming that will make a lot of changes in your life. Now, calm down, make plans and make room for the that new person, you can do it. Talk over the necessary changes with your husband, after all he will be the one that is your partner and will help you make room for your new love, that the two of you hve made together. You did it before and you can do it again. You will fall in love with the new baby and it will be wonderful. You will have to temporatily slow down on the busy bee part, after all this is a new human being for this planet, and you must prepare him or her for it.
Good Luck, I know that you will make it.
Sincerely, C. N.

you're not a terrible person, its scary when lifes going to change so drastically... you are the one who has to make the decision for yourself weather or not to have this child, im sure there are people out there who would say they dont agree and that you shouLD keep it no matter what, but its your life, your family, your health and mental wellbeing, just think deep... you'll know whats right and dont worry about other peoples opinion either way, well except maybe your husband!! LOL ... GOOD LUCK, CHILDREN ARE A GREAT BLESSING, BUT WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE AS WELL... I THINK IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE A STRONG CAPABLE WOMAN/MOTHER, REMEMBER NOT TO DOUBT YOURSELF TOO. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

You are not alone! I remember feeling some of those same things a few months ago when I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child too. At the time, our daughter was 16 months old and she's a handful. Its so hard in that first trimester when your hormones are going beserk- emotional rollercoasters, feeling so tired and overwhelmed, not to mention morning sickness- and I felt like I had no one supporting or taking care of me (even though I did). There were a few times late at night when I couldn't sleep due to fears and overwhelming feelings like you are having now. What finally helped me (besides getting past the 1st trimester) is talking to some friends that have 2 kids close together and a book called The Pregnant Woman's Companion by Christine D'Amico and Margaret A. Taylor. It has chapters with different exercises to get support from others, balance family life, set priorities and more. Check it out- I got it at Borders, so it should be easy to find. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to- M.

I don't think being upset over having a secound child makes you a horrible person or a bed mother. The fact is having children is a scarey prospect and you can't compare the unborn child to the 2 year old genuis.. My son was three when i found out i was having a 2nd child, unlike you however I wasn't married at the time and so I had the added stress of becoming a single parent of 2. Yes things will change, but not as drastically as you think... If you can do it with one you can do it with two.. Some people may say that your selfish for fearing the loss of your active social life, but I think your just human...
keep your chin up!! it will all work out.

D., concrats!!!!!!!
don't feel bad about that. i was the same way at first.now my datughter is 3 month and i have a very smart and out spoken 2 year old.the best advice i can give you from my point of view.is don't let your new baby run the show.go on as if the baby has been there all along.my daughter has slept through the night since day one.it can get hard.but keep your head up. im also nanny so i have children of all ages in and out all the time.you CAN DO IT!!!!al so my son is trained very well he picks up after him self.he feeds his sister try to change her diaper.he is so great with her.to get my son knowing he was have a new baby.we bought him a doll.yes a doll.lol :)we tought him to change a diaper.bottle feed her.and do the bacise care.yo can do it. i find it pertty easy. if you need to talk fell free to contact me any time.###-###-#### if i can help i'll be glad to. S. CONGRATS!!!!!!

Totally normal. Believe me when I say that things just work out. Dont be scared. I have 3 children and Im 31. Children are a gift from God. There is a purpose for that child, believe that. You will adjust and so with your other child. If anyting, strong willed children need sibilings or else they will turn into stubborn, selfish adults. :-)

I just quit my job to be a stay at home mom and financially, it makes no sense. So I know about being scared but I also know that things change, nothing stays the same. You will find that things will work out somehow.

Hang tight, things will get better, your emotional right now and that is normal. Enjoy this time as much as possible, enjoy your little one and enjoy being pregnant, its a beautiful thing.

D.,
I felt the same way when I became pregnant with my now 2 year old son. My now 4 year old daughter was about 18 mos when I got preggo. I hated being pregnant also. Especially the first few months. Take heart, my second child, Matty, was SO much easier than my first. Now that they're 2 and 4 , they play together and its such a great feeling to watch them be friends, although they do fight too. I really feel in the longrun, it will be easier to have two kids than one, they will always have each other as friends. Like when its raining, or when none of my daughters friends are home and there's nothing to do, they can always play. You're probably dealing with a lot of hormones which accounts for a lot of feeling upset and anxiety, and yes, life will change but I guarantee after the little one is born, you will never regret having the second one. Keep your chin up, everything will work itself out! S. I

Your feelings are COMPLETELY normal. We starting trying to conceive when my son was a year and a half...it took 5 months to conceive and as soon as we found out we were pregnant again, I FLIPPED out. I didnt know how I was going to afford double daycare, I was afraid that I wouldnt love this baby as much as I love Jaydin, I was afraid that Jaydin wouldnt accept this baby etc.

But you know what? The further I got in my pregnancy (I am 31 weeks now) the more at ease I became. I LOVE the idea of the new addition and Jaydin (he will be 2 1/2 the month she is born) seems to want his sister to come out and play with him!! Yes, i am still stressed about the daycare rates, but I think that will be a constant fear (our financial situation)

Just give it time and everything will work out. You probably just found out you were pregnant and it can be a shock!! But dont worry...you are not a bad person for feeling any of the feelings that you have!!

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have been there and done that with the first child, so you know what is up ahead for the next one. You will get over the 'i don't want be pregnant again' fad, I felt the same when when I found out I was having twins, I had a 2 yr old and was getting my teaching credential on top of that. Your 2 yr old may surprise you and be remarkably helpful. You can do it! Best wishes and congratulations.

No, you are not a bad person, plus your hormones are changing again. And unexpected things come up and we all think and deal with them differently.
I don't know if you believe in God, but God wouldn't give you anything that you couldn't handle. Children are blessings from God. And He has entrusted you with 2 children now and besides you have 9 months to figure out a plan to fit you and your husband's schedule. Don't try to get ahead of yourself. Try to calm down and you will get thru it.
Let me tell you a story. I have two boys, a 7 yr. born in 1999 and a 14 month old born in 2005. Both are from two different marriages. If you didn't notice that is a big gap between the two. I wanted to wait till I was married again to have another child. So, I got married again in Jun. of 2004. I quit my job in Oct. of 2004 to stay home with my 7yr. old, which was 5 at the time. And to start trying to have another baby with my new husband. Well I got pregnant in Mar. of 2005. I didn't find that out till April of 2005 and then my husband left me in May of 2005. I had absolutely nothing and our bank account was negative when he left. He left me high and dry. I ended up loosing the apartment we lived in. I moved in with my older sister and her husband. I adventually found a job that was full time. But by that time my sister wanted me to get my own apartment before the baby came. So in Sept. of 2005 I had enough money saved to get an apartment. But it was difficult, it didn't leave me any money for me to buy the baby anything. it was about a 3weeks before my son was due and everyone at work was asking me are you ready for him to come and all I could say is no, no, no and no. And with great concern everyone was like, why? I said that I had absolutely nothing for my baby, not even a bib, nothing. And here it is only 3 weeks before he was due. I was in a panic. I felt like the worst mother. But all the while I was going thru this I prayed and talked to God. And guess what, a week later the people that I had only worked with for 3 months had given me the best baby shower that anyone could have received. I got everything. From a crib, stroller, car seat, diapers, bottles, wipes clothes, booties, everything a child could need when they are born. I even got a changing table. Basically what I am trying to tell you is that I thought that I planned this out perfectly and it was far from perfect. So maybe having unexpected babies are what it is all about. Well I hope this helped and good luck to you and your husband. If you ever need to talk, I'm always available.

Gwen

What you are feeling is normal, but you will be amazed in the end how well it all turns out.

You're samrt little two year old is going to be the biggest and best helper you have. My boys are 17 months apart and I didn't hink I would survive. Here's what I did that saved my life -
I bought my oldest a baby doll with the play bottles with the disapearing juice and milk. When I fed the baby, he would sit on the couch and feed the baby with me. If he didn't want to do that (As it wasn't new anymore) we would pick out a movie or read a book (She is big enough to turn the pages) Sometimes I would find myself sitting on the couch holding the sleeping baby still having quality time with my toddler because I simply could. When I changed a diaper, he would change his baby's diaper (I went through a few extras, but it helped to keep my sanity) He had a small diaper bag with his toys in it and the items for his baby and we would 'pack' up the car together. He would unload the silverware with me and help fold laundry (Which wasn't much help) I never had to chase him, worry about what he was into and he was a big helper about everything. The boys are still close and they developed their own relationship through the oldest 'teaching' him how to play and learn the things that he knew. I grew to love watching them interact. It was a blessing when school arrived and they began to share what they were learning with each other.
Two is a great number - you'll be surprised when you look around and realize that you are a great mom.

I am sorry you feel that way, but you should try to relax having another child is not the end of the world. You are going to be okay, and even more happier with the arrival of your new angel. I know that is not easy, you and your husband are together try to make work with the new baby. Get closed to your family and friends, and do other activities besides working and the family. Take time for yourself, pretty soon you will see the new baby with a different eyes. Remenber he/she can feel all the love, and rejection in you. So try to change the way you feel it my not be easy, but you are a very strong and beautiful person you can do it.

Hi There, I too just found out that I am pregnant and I have an 11 month old. We wanted to wait another year till we started trying again so I was really upset when I found out. My husband was really excited, but he doesn't really do all the work that I do with our son. I too am very scared of having two little ones because our first was so easy and I am afraid of all the work and money that it will cost us. Best wishes to you, I think that it will all work out for you. Atleast you don't have my situation! S.