Need Help Being Ok with Son in Daycare

My son is 4.5 now and has been in preschool since he was 3 and a few months. It was an adjustment for him the first 2-3 months but he has learned so much in a little over a year, especially social skills with his friends. We started with 3 half days then 4 and now 5 half days. He loves his teacher, friends and the activities. I get a break from his non-stop energy and my younger one gets some individual attention.

I would look around for a daycare of preschool you like and see what makes sense as a starting schedule. 4 full days is a lot but if you start with fewer or shorter days it may help the adjustment.

If he is 3 he would be going to preschool this fall anyway.. I think my kids have really benefitted from the social interaction at school..

I highly recommend preschool for 3 and 4 year olds.. very good for them.. very good for M..

look aroudn and find a place that you like and then it will b easier..

once you find a nice day care it will be OK to leave him.

Dear Erin,
If there is any way you can stay home with him, do so. Your concerns are valid. I think you should really consider what you can actually bring home in any type of salary after you pay for the expenses of daycare, gas, wardrobe, convenience foods, lunches out, etc. Most women really don't end up bringing home anything substantial after they take those expenses into account. Instead, I would try to look at ways to save. Some great websites for you to consider are moneysavingmom.com and groceryshrink.com. From there, you can find other links of sites that will help you in saving more and spending less. If you sign up for the groceryshrink newsletter, she will send you recipes for your own homemade cleaners. I have just stared using them and they are GREAT. I never liked homemade cleaners before. But, these are really good. And, nearly free. She teaches how to spend way less on your grocery bill every month. And, moneysavingmom has many posts daily on where to find great deals from food to school supplies, to everything else. You can do this. And, you can look to thrift stores for great deals. I found a solid wood (no veneers) dresser at our local goodwill for $40. I painted it white and put new drawer pulls on it and it looks fabulous. I bought 19 polos/button downs for my husband and sons for about $25. All brand name labels, in like new condition. I am VERY picky. You can do this. Many women do. Feel free to email me if you want more ideas. We have 6 children on my husband's salary alone. We don't feel it necessary to enroll them in every activity out there. We don't buy them tons of junk. But, they have me at home with them, and they are happy.

The first day I went back to work after maternity leave and was driving my 3 month old to his first day at daycare, I started tearing up. I gave myself a pep talk - I wasn't going to help my son or anyone at my work or myself if I was a depressed ball of emotions. I had to make the decision to be happy so I could be a good employee and a good M.. If you have to go to work then he has to be cared for by someone else. Facing that reality and making peace with it will allow you to be happy for him to stretch his horizons, meet new people, and learn new things. You can choose, happiness over anxiety, joy over sadness, only you can decide what emotions will rule your life.

Our daughter LOVED daycare. She liked the schedule, playing outside with kids she knew. The teachers were so special to her..

In the beginning it will be a transition, for all of you. He will flourish so quickly you will be amazed.

I remember stopping by when our daughter was almost 3.. I needed to drop something off mid day, but did not want her to see me. I peeked through the door and saw them starting lunch time.. They were passing bowls of food and serving THEMSELVES!.. and POURING!!! their own milk and passing the pitcher!.. I had no idea, she could do this! I know at home I would not have thought to even try it.. She learned to recognize her letters early they had a curriculum. The teacher made note of the day so we knew what had happened.. I would leave disposable cameras for them to take photos.. They had swimming lessons, music lessons.. All types of programs.. It was awesome..

She had so many friends and we parents would try to meet up sometimes at local parks so our children could play together.. As they got ready to leave day care and go to kinder.. it was very reassuring to be able to discuss our concerns and share ideas on how to handle all of it..

Your child could pick up "bad habits" in the Church care, playground or your own neighborhood.. It is not just daycare kids.. You are the parent you set the tone..

I know this is difficult, but you need to not let your son know you are worried. He is going to do great and soon, he will have a new baby sister or brother! Now that will really rock his world!.. This is an exciting time!

t.

Unless the laws have changed since I lived on the border of NJ, I think you can have 3 children without being licensed. Why not just care for a few children in your home? You can put away a little money, provide another M. with the same kind of care you would want, provide your son with some socialization, and know exactly what's going on with your son each day. Seems like that would be a win/win to me.

As for being okay with daycare....don't do it if you are not. Now I am speaking as a provider. I HATE working with moms that don't like daycare. They are really difficult and often look for reasons to dislike providers. They will plunk their kid in 2-3 situations, pulling them before they have a chance to adjust, and then bad mouth all providers because of it.

If you really want to feel good about it, make sure you do your homework. Find someone with very similar parenting styles. Do a background check on them. Take your time when visiting them. Email all sorts of questions back and forth before you use them. Get a good feel for the situation. When you believe you trust the person, then don't look back. Don't look for things to be bad. If you look hard enough you'll find something wrong because no one is perfect.

There are two conflicting responses in my head:

1) I work full time out of a combination of choice & necessity (we might be able to make ends meet if I quit, but it would be very hard, and I have a sweet work situation I would lose, leaving us in worse shape when I wanted to go back).

We currently have a nanny, but can't really afford it so need to do daycare. I felt much the same way you did. She's thriving with the nanny, but is very verbal and socially and intellectually ready for a more structured situation.

I did a ton of research on daycares centers, and found an amazing Montessori. Once we went to see it and spent some time, we realized that this was the next logical step and would soon be better for her than her current situation. My husband is now excited, and I'm still conflicted, but comfortable with our choice.

So answer 1 is - do some research and make sure you find a daycare that is going to provide your son intellectual and social opportunities he might not get with you at home. You might find that you are more than comfortable with your decision.

2) Your solution doesn't make sense to me from a financial standpoint. If you are working for more money for a new baby, what will you do once you have the new baby? If you plan to quit once the new baby comes, will all the mechanations be worth it? Can you make enough to put your son in a good daycare and still come out ahead? Are you then going to pull him out of daycare to be home with you and the new baby, away from his friends and fun activities he's come to expect or then foot the bill for an outside activity for your son? Are you going to put your new baby in daycare at 3 months? Can you then afford 2 daycare bills?

So answer 2 is - I would really look at the numbers before you create all that upheaval for your family, and think about how you are going to make ends meet once the new baby arrives, not just for now.

yep, nothing is ever easy.

I have been a SAHM since my daughter was born 4 1/2 years ago. I was diagnosed with cancer in December of last year and have since gone through extensive surgery and chemotherapy. My son was 18 months old when I was diagnosed. I was not able to lift either of my kids for 2 months following my surgery and after starting chemo, I didn't have the energy to keep up with both of them, especially my son since he just turned 2 a couple of months ago. So, we had to put him in full time daycare in order to get through all of this. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My daughter was in preschool (she was 4 when I got diagnosed), and I was able to keep her with me most of the time when she wasn't in school, but I felt like my son was just a baby and it was devastating to me to have to put him in daycare since it was my "job" to take care of him. But, I simply couldn't. I guess what I will tell you is that as hard as it was for me, I knew it was what was best for our family at the time and under the circumstances and he has done really well there. He started talking almost immediately, learned to drink from a cup and while he has picked up a few bad habits also, for the most part, I feel like it has been a very good experience for him. He was SO attached to me when all of this started that he wouldn't even let Daddy hold him. Now, he is as much a Daddy's boy as he is a Mommy's boy and he loves his teachers and his friends.

The only other thing I would mention is to maybe take a hard look at your budget to see if there is anything you can cut out that would save you money without you having to return to work. Really take into account how much you would bring home after you factor in gas, tolls, daycare, lunches out, dry cleaning, etc. It really does add up and you may not bring home enough to justify it when you could tweak some of your spending habits and save more than you could make by going to work. I am not sure if that's the situation you would be in or not (I have an MBA and when I quit working, I was making as much as my hubby, so this wouldn't have been an issue for me, but I know it is for some), but it is something to consider.

Either way, I think your son is going to do great. Yes, it's fun to have him home with you, but I also think that he could be ready for some structure and interaction with other kids his age (not saying you don't have some of that already, but preschool could be good for him). You might be surprised what he can learn in that kind of a setting and it won't be all bad, I promise! This is a tough decision and one that only you and your hubby can make, but either way, your little guy is gonna do great. Good luck to you!

i know the feeling but he also has to start learning how to socialize with other children on a daily or almost daily basis. i hate to say this but the kids that moticed that my daycare lady had the hardest time with are the ones who really weren't around other children and and didn't start until they were like 4 or 5. it;s hard for them to be away from you like that but soon and very soon he will have to go to school everyday so start preparing him now. but one thing that will make it easier one you id finding a daycare that YOU are totally comfortable with. when you have that secure feeling that your child will be ok where you are leaving them some of your worries will get better. good luck on whatever you choose to do.

Will it be a job you really like? Personally, I LOVE my job and my 3 year old loves going to "school." But when he was a baby (he started daycare at 5 months), I wasn't happy with my job at the time at all, so I also could never really justify in my head leaving him in daycare, except for the fact that we still came out a little ahead financially (and my job had the health insurance, another big consideration). If you are happy going to work, I think you'll be OK sending him to school/daycare if you do your research, visit schools and find a good fit for him. But if you get a job just because you think you have to, maybe you'll never feel OK with it. Truly, your son will be fine! Just be sure that you are happy, too. :)

Hi Erin
My answer may be different than some others but maybe it will make you stop and think and re-evaluate. At least it did me.
OK thousands of kids are in daycare, but thousands are not. Have you ever wondered why some are not.
Well when I was in your situation someone said to me "crunch the numbers" see if you will really be making any money. I am a math person, so that sounded interesting. I asked and was told that unless I could make an awful lot and not go into the next tax bracket the chances are we would make nothing, I would pay it all in taxes, clothes, vehicle, and day care.
I checked and they were right, my husband's income was at the top of one tax bracket, I could earn very little without putting us over, so that plus day care etc I would be spending more than making, and not be able to be home with my children. I decided I would go with cheaper meals, no eating out, and cut coupons. Also not go with a closet of new clothes for everyone but be thrifty. We saved enough for the down payment on our new house that year, and we had a new baby the next. Finally bought a house / farm when we found what we wanted, but the money was there. Thankful I was able to be a thrifty SAHM, what some might call play dates became times when people asked me to baby sit. Hey that way I got paid and the kids had friends over. I don't know if it still works that way, but it did for me.
God bless you as you make your own decisions about what you want to do but I do encourage you to "crunch the numbers"

Our kids have both loved daycare. They have lots of playfriends their age, they get fun new toys to play with and have had wonderful, caring providers. Our son was a late talker and daycare made the difference with him. He went from being home with us all day to being there five days a week in the mornings while I worked. Being around other kids spurred his talking immensely in just the first month. It also has taught both kids some independence, so they are well prepared for school.

Your child will be the same person and may pick up GOOD habits, too. Ours learned manners and it seemed to help the lessons were coming from someone other than M. and dad. Also learned about sharing and taking turns, which really comes across when they're around lots of other kids.

Daycare can be a really positive, wonderful experience. The key is finding a good provider. Do your research. Don't just visit the facility or home, but also call references and ask about any specific concerns you might have.

Best of luck with your job search!

ETA: Not all women earn so little that daycare costs negate the value of working. Many of us working professionals bring home a nice income that more than covers daycare expenses.

If you really don't feel good about this and are not ok with it then why not discuss with your husband about putting it off for a little while say another year? Im ok with a child going at 4 but before that I personally feel as well as a lot of counselors teachers etc. i know, that if they are younger than that they should be with their mommy! ESPECIALLY if you have an excellent relationship with him! Children need to learn the basics of life from their Mothers and you sound especially tuned to your little boy and he to you! You have to go with your GUT on this one (!) even if it means waiting to have another, which in turn means waitng a lttle while to go back to work as well. Tine is precious with our children and shouldnt be rushed. I know PLENTY of mtohers who went back to work when theirs were 2 or 3 and still regret losing that time with their children to this day and they also said they felt their kids had issues because of it! One daughter, in her teens, told her mother that she used to cry silently behind a coloring book every day she went to daycare but didnt tell her M. because she thought she had to stay there and the teacher wasnt observant enough to even see the child like this! Go with your gut! I have been told by numerous professionals that we Mothers are rarely wrong about going with our gut feelings concerning our little ones! Thats why we have these intuitions- to USE them! God bless you and go for it! There are ALWAYs ALTERNATIVES even if it means a lttle difficulty for a while- your son is more precious thaN ANYTHING ELSE. LIsten to your heart. Hugs to you and your little one- for I know the place you stand very well...JMarie In NJ

Have you thought about working nights and weekends? That's what I do/did before I started back at school. If you are only working part time, you won't really make enough money to pay daycare.

Wow, I really don't think some of these answers are helpful with you trying to be OK. So here goes: While I don't know your son, most boys this age are excited to be around other children. While he is comfortable with you (of course!), I know that you as a good, caring M., want him to be comfortable anywhere he goes and learning to socialize outside the house is an important part of that. If you pick a good daycare (which you will), you will have put him in an environment where the adults are experts at helping kids learn to be friends, share, and get along. This will help him ease into kindergarten far more quickly. And you'll be able to check on him in daycare much more often than you will when he's in real school so this would be a great start for you both.

As for bad habits, yes, he will pick some up - same as he would in kindergarten if he stayed home until then. But you are close to your child and can enforce your own rules and steer him away from anything you don't like.

When my son was three, and yes he was in day care, I asked him every day if we should go to school. And every day he said, "Yes, that's where all my friends are!" Day care can be a very positive experience. He's six now and still plays with the boys and girls from day care as if they were his brothers and sisters.

Bottom line: you're probably stressed because this is a big change for you. That's natural! But your son will be fine. Really.

He's 3, he'd probably enjoy it once he transitions. My son is in school and he gets to do so many fun things and play with his friends and learn new things. He's been in daycare since he was a baby and I always questioned it, but I have to work...now that he's older though, I actually ENJOY sending him b/c I know its a great environment for him. Yes, in a perfect world, we both would probably like to stay home with each other everyday and do fun things too BUT this is good for him. He is smart. Social. Yet he is still VERY close to me too and his father and grandparents too. My son goes 3 x a week for FULL days. I have been fortunate in the sense that even though he's been going since he was a baby we have been able to manage it that he is going part time. Its a nice balance. As for bad habits - you can't shield him from everything - he WILL pick up bad habits but thats where your role comes into play more so than ever - just like it will through out all of his life - you will have to teach, understand, guide and counteract any bad habits you feel he has learned. Feel confident in your abilities then b/c it is interesting and challenging to raise a toddler who is exposed to a lot when being in school - but the exposure is mostly good. Life lessons. We've always approached my sons "daycare" as being school from the start b/c it is...get him acclamaited now so that when the new baby comes he will have that outlet and routine in place already and you will be able to focus on the new baby too. You will be FINE. It will be a transition and that transition will be hard for all - just like ALL changes are - but you and most importantly HE will be fine!

After having to pay the daycard bills for 4 years I would think any money you make at the job would just be going to pay for the daycare. I would suggest getting a job you can do at home or during the evenings after your husband comes home. I can't see you saying any money and being stressed out at the same time. Good luck. Maybe watching another child at your house a few days a week that your son can be with and you can be at home. Daycare is expensive but it is a good social experience for the kids to start to get use to others and a school like atmosphere.

Are you really going to be 'saving' money with him in daycare??? I know you think you have to work to 'save' up money, but think about all the additional expenses you will be incurring with having to work. Daycare (probably the biggest), extra gas, if the daycare requires you to provide his meals you are having to buy, a thermos, lunch bag, and that type of stuff. I'm just not sure that you'll really be saving any money, especially if you're only considering going back to work part time.

Have you thought about working from home? I have been since March, becuase I had my first son, and it's been a great option for me. If you want, I can get you all the info about what I do. Good luck!
J.

I too stay home with my kids, and my son is 3. I know what you mean, I would feel exactly the same way. I think someone else mentioned this idea--watching kids in your own home. I have a friend who does this in order to be able to stay home and make ends meet. She doesn't do it full-time--just 3 days a week I believe (she also tutors on the side). But with 3 kids of her own, the only way for her to do it and stay sane was to do it part-time. She also will do an hourly, or half day, or daily rate. So those of us who know her know we can always use her if we have a dr. appointment or whatever, and she reminds us during the holidays that she can watch our kids so we can shop and get all that other stuff done. Anyway, just something to think about. Good luck.
P.S. I think you can make this work for your situation. My friend took time off after having each of her kids, and she will only take one other infant other than her own--makes sure that she watches a range of ages so that she can handle it.

Could you possibly get a nice grandmotherly lady to come in and stay with your son in your home during the first year you are at work? Older women often enjoy taking care of little ones, and can also use the extra money, themselves. You would need to vet well in order to get one who is healthy (have a TB test done on your caretaker, as they do in daycare centers), alert, fun, and honest. A lot to look for, but worth taking the time to check out carefully. And knowing your son is at home in familiar surroundings might help you in leaving him for a few days a week, would save you time in the morning when getting off to work, and would be less disruptive and confusing to your son. The following year, when he is four years old and somewhat adjusted to your absence, you might then feel better about putting him in a daycare center to be with other children before starting kindergarten the following year.