Need Help - Salt Lake City,UT

I think if finances are a true concern, then you should not have another baby. Financial stress can be really hard on a family, it can stress a marriage, etc. It's really a hard decision, but I think finances should play a big part in determining to extend ones family.

Well, do you have to send them both to private school? Everyone's school systems are different, and we were very careful about where we bought our house because we wanted to be able to do public as long as they were good. Not having to fork out private school tuition for two kids could really help you over that financial hurdle! Perhaps you could even consider moving to a better school district if yours isn't good?

As far as completing a family -many are very happy with one child. I'm an only child and have never had issues with it. However, it sounds as though you had planned for two since you had the still born child in December (and I'm so sorry that happened). How are you feeling about that now? I think maybe you have some fear surrounding that situation, so maybe you're looking for reasons not to get pregnant again. I mean, who WOULD want to chance going to through that again? It doesn't mean you won't eventually have another healthy baby, but do some soul searching there or talk to someone about it. You also have some time. I had both of mine after 35, and although you want them close in age, I know a lot of siblings pretty far apart in age who get along better than some that are very close. Given what happened to you, I wouldn't rush into anything I wasn't fully ready for.

I'm sorry for your loss.

When you went about trying for that baby, were your finances different? What made you want that baby? Are you scared of having a problem with the pregnancy, and using finances as an excuse? I have always said that if you wait till you can afford a baby, you will never have one. That is not saying that you should have one if you can't provide for one, but maybe there are things you can give up if private school is a priority?

Do it! Life is about relationships and family, not about stuff! If you have what you need to feed the family, everything else is just stuff.

I really think that although the fear of financial security is always a factor in having children the deciding factor really should be that you want another child in your life. It is about bringing another person into the world and the contribution to your family. My husband and I are on #4 with of course some financial concerns but we still manage to figure out how to put them all in private school and feed them and we have college under control. We do have to scrimp and save a lot, we do have months that we feel short on the finances but it always works out.

In short, focus your attention on the desire for a child not the money. Kids cost but they are such a blessing, the finances work out.

Good luck!

If all our duckies had to be in a row before we had children, nobody would have children and we wouldn't all be writing on this site. There is always, always, always something to worry about.

It's good to have a sense of responsibility, but often plain ol' anxiety tries to put on a "responsible" mask in order to rule us.

The economy will go up and down, just as it's always done, and we all just have to ride along. We seem to do all right anyhow! There will always be challenges, and people meet them.

Take inventory of your supply of love, of energy (well, that always needs help when you're a mom!), of creativity, of selflessness, of fun. Do you have enough of those? Can you make some more of those things so you have plenty?

Are you healthy? Are you grieving over your second boy? Are these factors contributing to your anxiety?

These are just things for you to think about.

I don't know about private school and all that... I homeschool. For me, I don't care about the money issue, we get by, and we only live on one income. Here is why I am responding....
I LOOOOOVE kids, I wish I had a ton... BUT after my first son, the thought of the PAINFUL delivery terrified me, so I put it off until finally when my son was 10, I got pregnant again. That is a HUUUUGE age gap. My poor son really wanted more brothers and sisters, he was an only child for so long. Well, I swore that while I was pregnant with my daughter that I would have another one shortly after so she didnt' have to go through life without someone close to her age. BUT again, another totally painful delivery, duh, right? So finally after 3 years I just went for it and got pregnant again, but a my daughter was already 3.
So now I have an almost 15 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 month old. I am going to MAKE myself have another within the next year so they aren't so far apart this time.
I am writing all this just to say, since your son is already 5, if you want another one do it now! I am so lucky that my 15 year old loves his sisters. He even plays with my 4 year old because she totally adores him, and he just can't say no to her. But there is 7 years difference between my brother and me and we hated each other. I have seen more times than not, when there is a big age gap the kids don't have much to do with each other or they fight all of the time. I honestly would worry more about family than money. But that's just me. I can do without expensive things in oder to have kids... now if I just wasn't such a chicken when it comes to pain!

You don't indicate if you were afraid before you lost the baby. So it is hard to guage if this is a true assessment. Money comes and money goes. Many people raise their kids without sending them to private school. Get a great plan. Perhaps having a plan might help to rid you of your fear. There is alot of life to be lived between birth and college. Perhaps a better savings strategy can help you. I wouldn't make the decision to have or not to have a kid based solely on money or the lack there of but really try to get over your fear. There is not guarantee these children will be close. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we are not close. We just don't have much in common and that's fine. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other because we do, we are sisters.

Relax and make a decision.

A single child is a "complete" family, too! There are a bazillion good reasons NOT to have additional children, and I have known a number of moms (and dads) who did, indeed, end up regretting talking themselves into another.

Of course they loved all their children, but life would have been so much easier on the whole family if they had stopped with one less, whether it was because the new baby was high-needs, or the economy or employment situation changed, or because someone in the family developed a severe health problem. And of course there is no guarantee that siblings will be compatible.

I'm really sad to hear you lost a baby, and that is surely complicating your decision now. Deciding to bring another person into the world is one of the most high-impact decisions you can possibly make, for both your family and the whole world. Don't beat yourself up if you can't see your way clear to going for another. Make the most of the family you've got, and you'll all be happy. (I'm a mom of one child, my daughter is a mom of one, and a fair number of the women I've known in life are the very content moms of one. And none of those kids have been spoiled onlies.)

LOL I have these worries all the time, but have to remember my father in law grew up in the great depression my mother in law grew up in Germany durring WWII and they survived had great childhoods and even better stories to tell. Don't sweat what you can't control your kids will survive and flurish as long as they have concerned attentive parents. I am sure a little one would enhance your son's life a lot more than private school, but those concerns aside YOU need to be ready and these concerns may be a sign you are still healing and need to take time to complete that process. Wish you all the best!

I vote for another child. Sounds like you & hubby have been money concious & have a handle on your future. Anything can happen in the future in regards to money, what if your son gets scholarships to college. And there may be enough of an age gap that sending them to private school may not be that financially tolling. But since you cannot predict the future why not extend your family. The 2nd biggest thing is that you are indecisive about having another so to me that's the biggest reason you should have another. I always said " if you cannot say you are 100% done then you should have another". Best wishes

I am so sorry about your baby boy, that had to be hard. If it is finances that are truly holding you back, I would love to help you. My business helps people get out of debt, plan for retirement, and help save money for college. I have found most people simply don't plan to fail, but fail to have a plan. I admit one of the big reasons I joined the business is because I was in the same place wondering if I would ever be out of debt and hoping my children get scholarships to go to college like I did. We do the plan free of charge. Give me a call at ###-###-####.