Need Advise on Controlling MIL Please

Hi Maria-

There's no doubt you are in a very difficult position, one that I would NEVER want to be in so my thoughts are with you. Here's my opinion for what it's worth. If she is going to be staying with you for a while you all have to learn to live together happily. It will be miserable for everyone in the end if you can't all get together on things. First you need to accept that she is older and it will be difficult to change her ways. She has raised children so she thinks she is an expert and knows what is best. She has always been the lead female in the household so taking a backseat to you is not going to happen. You need to both learn to work together so that your family can run smoothly. For your part try to relinquish some control of the household. If you don't like the way she moved the furniture or the pictures just tell her that you prefer it the other way and move it back, but don't just get mad at the IDEA of her moving the furniture. Sometimes we just get ticked off at the principle of the thing and don't take the time to really look at what was done and see how we feel about it.

As far as your daughter goes, anytime you have someone else watching your child (whether it's a family member, daycare, a babysitter, etc) they are going to do somethings differently than you. You have to determine what things are important and what you can let go. As far as the food goes, things have changed since she had little ones and if your daughter is not ready for certain foods just tell your MIL and explain why.

My guess is that her moving in with you has been as stressful and unnerving for her as it has been for you. She is just trying to find her place in the new family structure. Sit down and talk to her to help her feel more comfortable with sharing your home. This could be a wonderful situation for your whole family if the two of you are able to sit down as mothers and work together to manage your family.

Most importantly, try to focus on the positives that she brings to your family. Your daughter is safe at home with a loving grandma while you're at work. You are able to work without having to pay daycare costs. You have an experienced mother in the home to ask advice of when you need it (although sometimes you might get it when you don't want it!).

Best of Luck,
K.

Grin and bare it girlfriend. I'm not saying you're wrong--You are absolutely justified in feeling offended. However, if you try to flex your authority, it will just create awkwardness and hostility for everyone... and might even end the free childcare being provided. And then you'll be in a worse situation.

Try and think of it this way... Its not "free" childcare. It has a cost... The cost is your leniency in letting her "help" as she sees necessary. And I'm sure she thinks she is helping. She probably has watched some home decorating shows, day after day while at watching the baby, and it's motivated her to enact those darn helpful hints in her current surroundings. Don't take it personally.

It is only for a little while. Its temporary. Its still your house, your husband, your baby. You can change everything back to how it was later. Nothing is permanent--except the bad memories that will be made if you confront her. And it doesn't sound like your husband is supportive of your perspective, so you'd be fighting a battle on 2 fronts. Be gracious, even if your clenching your teeth through your smile.

This is difficult and I have been there. The bottonm line is she is caring for you as a mother cares for her children. She has changed her life totally in order to help you. That leaves you wit 2 options: 1. Take total responsibility for your life and take control back OR 2. Grin, bear it, agree to be treated as children in your own home and be grateful for her sacrifice.

I chose #2 and now that that phase in our lives is over, I'm nothing but grateful for her presence in our lives. It won't last forever and it is better for your baby than daycare.

With that said, it is really obnoxious for her to rearrange your pictures! Maybe just move them back. Maybe she'll get the hint.

Good Luck!

I agree with previous posters. She has made a huge csacrifice to help you guys out and she is doing what she knows best, caring for her children. You can find a way to get your baby in a good daycare, or you can except her help. Personaly, I prefer family to watch my daughter, no one will care for her like her grandmother.
If you decide to "grin and bare it"- let it go. Take a deep breath and relax. You could go so far as to ENJOY it. I know. I sounds crazy, but you can't control you MIL, but you can control how you respond to her. She can only get to you if you let her. Maybe put a lock on your bedroom door and let that be your sanctuary, though I would put the pictures back. (That is just me, though. Pictures are VERY important to me, and worth that battle)I understand the lunch thing. I like to put little notes in my husband's lunch also, how about notes on the mirror, or his steering wheel instead? You could come up wiith a feeding schedule for your daughter also. She may not know of your intentions. I would say that maybe you she take her to the doctor with you when you take your baby, so she can hear it from the horse's mouth. Good luck and relax, and choose your battles.

Hi my name is S.:
I know just what you are going through.I have learned that it is beter to talk about every thing as adolts with each other other wise the outcome is hored. I just like you kept it bottled in and made hints to my spouce but did not want to caluse trouble (I was always in the wrong for having such thoughts and she was trying to help so my husband thought)that being said what I / we should have done was have a family meating in talk about the way every one fills and how we can all change it to make every one happy.As for you you have to understand she probley fills like you have taken her baby boy and she is mom and always wright she has rased hers and sees nothing wrong with her metheds.Also she probly was one who had to rase he children with very little to no help and wants to make every thing perfict in her eyes to keep him happy. A lot of woman who are devorced,widdowed,abused,or neglited does this its there safe haven.She probly does not see it. Now you need to think of you and yours,husband&children. Get your ducks in a roll 1.sit down and wright down every thing that bothers you and why.2.wright down how you think it can be fixed to make you and every one happy as a family. 3.Talk to your oldest thay have an appionion as well and see and know more than you think and ask him or her how thay would like to see changes. 4. Than last but not lest call a family meeting. make sure every one knows this is not personal but this is the way you fill and open the table for every one to talk and sit down and every one come up with happy sulutions.I found all this out by what I went through reasently after it was too late!Things were a lot like yours my husband of 11 years we got in an arguement a bad one he chose his mother over me and I moved me and the children out.He went out and had a bit much to drink and went over to my house and climbed through the window and violently showed and forsed of the fact of how we could be the perfict family he had snaped' he had never been violent with me befoure . This scared me, and me and the children moved as far a way as we could but still be driving distance for the childrens sake .He was a very good father. He looked at me as if was my fault because I could not put up with his mother taking over. Any way long story short I filed for a devorise he started drinking heavy he asked me if he could have our oldest daughter for her birthday I told him no because she had school and we lived 3 hours away from each other. he could have her on the weekind and that was the last I talked to him he was mad on our daughters birthday witch was on a tuesday he went out got durnk and took his life. it will have been a year on sep the 18th 2008 . I have took classes and counsling to find out it is not my fault and how I should have handled it but no two people are the same.We were good christan people who never drank and never did drugs and also never had any thing cross in our realitionship.<it was a farrie tail marrage be four his mom moved in on the 9th year of marrage to help us out with the children>. Our 8 year old turns 9 next month and she does not want it to come she was a daddys girl. Any way be carfull girl try it and if that does not work be pationt go to grupe consling in the church or something fight for your family don't run.Love will find a way.
S. Taylor

she probably doesnt mean to be taking over - with the lunch thing she was probably trying to save you a job.
the moving of the pictures is not acceptable, and every time she moves them just get them back out again and put them exactly where they were, she will get the message.

i love my mother in law, she is very helpful like yours BUT oh my goodness i could never live in the same house as her. she lives right next door and that is close enough to give everyone privacy.
two unrelated women in the same house are going to compete with each other for the love and attention of the husband and the child. if it was your own mother or sister there would not be a problem, because you would just say back off and it would be resolved. it is more difficult to do that with a mil and would cause awkwardness. you have to be subtle, if you dont like certain foods to be fed then bring it up in conversation "dont you just hate that new gerber food, its full of salt and that is bad for my baby dont you agree" or something similar.
my mother in law would gladly watch my children if i wanted to work, but i would hate it, she is a very helpful type and would definitly foist her opinions and childcare methods on my children, some of which i dont agree with. if i went back to work i would not have her watch my children full time because it would stress me and not be worth the money.
could you not take your baby to her house instead of her living with you?, maybe that would be easier than someone living with you!

I can't put myself in the grin and bear it group. Because I'd be pulling out my hair if I were in your situation.

What I'm getting is that you're frustrated because you feel like she's taking over everything, and you don't feel like you can do anything about it because you feel she might take away what you need... a free sitter. In your mind, she has all the leverage and you're not sure she won't use it against you if she gets upset.

But there IS H.. Non-threatening communication solves so many problems. Get your husband involved, and after your daughter goes to bed, talk with her calmly. Explain that you know she lives here, too, but since most of the items in the home are your possessions, you would really like to be in charge of their placement. List responsibilities that you'd like to handle... like making your husband's lunch. And so she doesn't feel like she's just a glorified babysitter, let her know of things she can do to help, or (even better) ask her what she would really like to help with. Do the same with your husband - assign him responsibilities, too! Then it becomes more of a divvying up of responsibilities than a threat to your MIL.

I think you'll find that while you feel your MIL has all the leverage because she's providing free childcare, you have leverage in the fact that she obviously cares for her granddaughter a great deal and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her time with her. I think she'll cooperate and it will be a lot less stressful of a conversation than you think.

Good luck to you!

I watched my mom go through this with her mil, i went through it with my mom and when i was teenager i stayed with family members when they needed help with their kids. Your mil does deserve respect and appreciation for helping take care of your daughter and for fixing your husbands lunch, as long as she does it to help and not to make it look like you arent capable, my grandmother did that to my mom. However, she needs to respect that she is stayin in YOUR home and that she should not be moving the furniture or taking pictures down and cutting them, rearranging them and storing them in the closet that is rude and disrespectful. Talk to her about it if actions and feelings dont change then i would suggest making other arrangements b/c the baby doesnt need to be in a home where everybody is upset. Good luck!

Hi Maria,

Hmmm...I know that feeling all too well. My MIL came to stay with us for a week (after my mom was here the first month) when my baby boy was born. I have to say that you have every right to feel the way you do. I saw it from both sides.

When my mom was here she was an AMAZING help to me...in fact, it only made me feel closer to her than ever before (we hadn't been very close in the past 5 years or so). She was a silent helper in our home, but was always available whenever I needed help or to talk, etc. She even went so far as to ask if she could hold the baby.

In stark contrast, my MIL came in and took over. I even caught her going through our kitchen drawers and throwing stuff out that she "thought we didn't need"!!! Needless to say, I was appalled and very upset. She would also do this thing where she would put the burp rag over her shoulder and take my baby away from me...after the third time of doing this, I had had ENOUGH. I looked at her very sternly and simply said "I got it." Luckily, she got the hint and never did it again. Her heart was in the right place, but I think she got a bit carried away.

My point is that there is a way to help without invading, as my mother showed. She later told me that it was my home and I was the mother now, so she wanted to give me the space I needed, but also support me when I needed it.

In my opinion, since your relationship with your husband is strong, you should be able to tell him your feelings freely and he should support you no matter what. I actually believe my husband talked to his mom about it - sometimes sons know how to speak to their mothers (not as emotional as us women).

My feeling is that you should always go with your intuition, and if something is bothering you, trust it and do what you can to fix it. Being a mother is the most primal thing we will do in our lives. If you don't feel like you can talk to her, ask your husband to do it for you, but be strong and be prepared to find other options for childcare. We teach people how to treat us, so if it is bothering you, you need to put your foot down in a respectful way. If you do this now, she will probably respect you for standing your ground, and it will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. I agree with the others about being respectful, but she is in your home, and if she is truly doing all of this work as a selfless act to help you, she shouldn't let her ego get in the way.

Be strong, and good luck!
~M.

No you are not being too sensitive. You and your husband need to talk about this, and then you need to sit down with your mother in law and set some ground rules. First, this is your house and she should not be moving things and cutting up pictures. Second this is your baby and she should check with you ALWAYS on any foods or anything else she wants to give her.

If she can't respect your space, then I would suggest looking for an in home daycare. I was able to find in home daycare cheaper than a traditional daycare center, hours are more flexible and my son received more personal attention.

I completely understand budget restraints, but daycare should go into the budget under the "must haves". If you need any assistance with budgeting and getting out of debt, go to www.daveramsey.com. He is the reason we are out of debt to day and are not longer living paycheck to paycheck!!

It's not worth the amount of stress that your mother in law is causing, and if you let it continue it will effect your relationship with your husband and your mother in law.

Make sure you let her know how much you appreciate your help, but she needs to respect your house and your belongings as well as your parenting abilities. (Regardless of how many children she had or how long she has been a mom!!!)

Good luck, I H. it works out!

Edit, I just read the other responses and I am really flabbergasted at the "grin and bear it" responses. and the "why do you feel that way" response. It doesn't matter why you feel invaded, it only matters that you do. I think any normal person would feel displaced with someone, anyone, coming in and taking over their home. I agree 100% that communication is the key to your situation. Your mother in law may not even realize that what she is doing is driving you nuts. Grinning and bearing it will only cause deep seeded resentment on your part, which will fester and only ruin your relationships. Communication, getting it all out in the open, is the only way to truly resolve the situation. There are ways that you can communicate with your mother in law that will not hurt her feelings or cause any hostility. If you do not feel you can communicate to her, then have your husband do it. After all she is his mom so he should know how to handle her!

Does she need to live with you? I know daycare is expensive, but the cost of having your MIL live with you is not worth it I think. I have a great MIL & mother, but oh no - living with us? There will always be that natural tug of war between sons, mothers and their wives - but you don't need it in your home on a daily basis. Will you and your husband ever be the leaders of the household, really ever have your OWN home while she is there? I respect my elders and value their advice, but we need to make our own way and be the primary authority in our children's lives.

Since I don't know about your MIL's circumstances, I have to wonder if she has somewhere else to go - or if this decision was perceived as a "win-win" for everyone -she gets to live somewhere, and you get daycare. Does she have economic concerns herself? Who's idea was this? Is there a timeframe on her living with you - or is this a permanent/open-ended solution? Anyway, don't grin & bear it - this is your home and your family. Be delicate, respectful, rational, and try to keep a good relationship. You need to communicate and figure this out.