Need Advise... - Woodbridge,VA

It'. alright. He'. still little. My son INSISTED wearing one of his sister'. old dresses. He would twirl around in it and the whole bit. He loved that thing. Everyday he would ask me to put it on for him and I would. I knew he was just playing and that he would grow out of it and he did. I wouldn't be caught dead in a dress, but that doesn't mean anything in regard to my sexuality.

By the way, there are many, many women that raise little boys into men everyday. You just be a good mom to him. That'. all that matters.

I don't think it has anything to with the way he acts. He'. probably just more sensitive and an "artsy" kid. And he'. three years old and gender roles are still a little mixed up at this age.
My 5 year old prefers art, music, pretend play, etc, over playing sports, doing karate, etc., and his dad is a very strong male presence in his life. Sometimes it concerns my husband but I am pretty good at refereeing my husband'. expectations of him and the the actual talents my son possesses. I just let him be who he wants to be (which is an awesome kid!). Besides, my little 18 mo old daughter is a tomboy already, so my husband can fulfill his sports craziness with her later if he wants. lol
Don't worry about it. Sounds like you have a very sweet little boy.

there is a difference between a child playing with toys and games that are typically played by or with the other gender, and a child that IDENTIFIES themselves as the other gender, if a child STATES that they are not a boy, when they have the "tools", that make them male, then that is a female brained, male bodied child..basically, he is physcially male, but mentally female.and, no , a male child playing with dolls, or playing dress up will not grow up to be a serial killer, just as a little girl who grows up climbing trees, and riding bikes, wont grow up to be a serial killer. if the child asks where his dad is.. tell him. dont wait until the busybody neighbor down the street concocks a story to tell him.
K. h.

Kids pretend -- totally normal. My son LOVES princess stuff, has his own purse he takes everywhere, and at one point made us all call him "Alicia" for like a month -- no lie. AND he has a dad and three older brothers in the home. My bet is your son is just exploring his imagination and doesn't have firm gender boundaries established yet, which is a good thing!

The best thing you can do is create an environment where he feels loved and supported and listened to. Gender is irrelevant.

Good luck!

Please don't feel bad or guilty about this!
My best friend'. son is EXACTLY like this and he has an incredibly involved, loving and masculine father.
It has nothing to do with you being a single mom. Your son is who he is :)

It'. very sad that he doesn't have a dad, but that isn't why he wants to dress like that. Let him do it, it won't hurt him. Lots of little boys like to do these things.

If he'. straight, he will grow up straight. If he'. gay, you are not going to force him to be straight by insisting that he doesn't dance or play with princess stuff.

I would ignore it. My daughter is into power tools and dinosaurs and her dad is here every day.

He'. a little young but when he gets older (if there aren't any uncles, grandfathers or cousins to look up to), maybe look into Big Brothers Big Sisters.

You already answered you own question really well: "Just let him play." At his age kids have NO preconceived ideas of what'. "boy stuff" and "girl stuff," nor should they care. A boy does not automatically love sports and trucks, and a girl doesn't automatically do ballet and wear pink. They'll be what they will be. My child is older and among her friends, I know girls who are super-athletes and never put on anything but shorts and t-shirts, and boys who are training seriously to be professional dancers and are willing to don the tights to make it happen.

Because you feel "upset because I wish he had a dad," please be careful to separate your own feelings about that -- the lack of a male around -- with your reactions to your son as he grows. What he is doing, he likely would do even if there were a dad in the picture; your son is just playing, having fun, and trying different things. It might help you to talk to a counselor for a while to work out your own feelings about single parenthood etc. If cost is any issue, go to your nearest women'. center or county or city health department and ask about low-cost or sliding scale fees for short-term counseling. I'm not saying there'. anything wrong with your feelings! I'm just sayinig that it could help you to talk to someone - you do mention that you don't talk about your feelings even with close friends or family, but you could benefit from talking to someone. Your son will benefit, too, if you are happier!

My girlfriend is a single mom of a 11 year old boy. That boy is as masculine as the next. BUT, he played with dolls and did the long hair thing too. Doesn't ever child do that? I remember doing that with my 4 brothers too.
Don't tell him to stop playing, he wont understand why.
L.

Even with his dad and 2 older brothers in the home, my almost 3 yr old does the same thing. When my older sons were younger, they did the same thing. Totally normal, and definitely not something to put a stop to. Children that age don't have a rigid definition of "acceptable male behavior" vs "acceptable female behavior." My son has a purse, walks around the house in my high heels, and likes to pretend to put make-up on! He also plays Star Wars, cars, dresses up as Superman, and other traditional boy stuff. I think it'. definitely important for all children to have a male role model in their life, but that has no bearing on your current concern. No worries mama! I'm sure you're doing a fine job of raising your son!

"Playing girl" and having a dad in the house (or not) are not connected. I've known guys who were raised in the most macho, manly-man environment you can imagine (dad and three older brothers, all big hunters and military guys) who tried on their mom'. clothes from day 1 and basically lived their childhoods in drag.

I know one guy very well (b/c he'. my kid brother) who grew up with all women. Single mom, one big sister, loving, involved grandmother and aunt. Figured out, at about age 2, that there were sports in the world, and that was it. Total jock from there on out, to this day.

Really, honestly, families do not determine gender expression. It may or not be genetic (i.e., inherited) but it is inborn and innate.

But, you know what families do determine? Self-confidence. Self-acceptance. Just love your son whoever her turns out to be, and he will be fine. That'. all you have to do.

Just let him play being a girl all he wants. My son was exactly like that at age 3...and he gradually grew out of it. By Kindergarten he pretty much stopped most of that kind of pretending. He is in 2nd grade now. He used to LOVE to pretend to be girl characters from movies, wear dresses/skirts, etc. My husband and I would be totally fine with a gay son...but we knew he was not gay because he gets huge crushes on girls. He still does! He tells me what girls he has crushes on in school. Anyway, I think some little boys just really relate to girls because their mom is a girl and girls are more gentle and sweet (in the movies anyway...the boy characters are often fighters/tough). The other thing he does now in 2nd grade is tell me he is one of the only boys who likes girls. The other boys all think they are gross. He says he does not know why they don't want to be friends with girls and he has some very good friends who happen to be girl. I tell him that he must be mature for his age because by the time they are in high school all the other boys will like girls too and will want to be friends with them. That makes him feel better. He has gotten teased by sitting next to one of his girl friends on a bus (notice I don't say "girlfriend" bc to him she is just a friend). Anyway, now his 2 very best friends are boys and all he wants to play is LEGOs, pretending to be a spy, ride his bike, and video games. So....he'. definitely all boy now. He is more sensitive than many other boys, but I think this is overall a good thing. So, again, my advice to you is to not worry one bit and just let your little boy pretend. Many 3-4 year old boys go through this.

Totally normal for a boy that age.

Just make sure your son DOES have other male role models in his life--an uncle, a grandfather, neighbor, etc.

Good luck!

My son likes to put on makeup (almost 4) because he sits with me each morning and we talk while I'm getting ready for work. To him, it'. like painting and when he asks my husband why he doesn't wear makeup too, the response is usually "Because I'm naturally handsome". Outstanding.

This is really common. If you have long hair, he'. just pretending to be you... or his teacher... or the neighbor. At this age, they don't "get" gender roles at all. They aren't necessarily pretending to be a boy or girl so much as someone that they know.

Let him be him, and be proud of him. I'll tell you this, if his daddy was around and he was playing anything that seemed like it was female gender, he'd be criticized and feel bad for pretending. He'. a child, and he needs to know there is nothing wrong with the way he plays.
I don't know your take on homosexuals, but everyone that I've ever talked to, said they felt this way from early on, that'. not fear to them to make them feel there is something wrong with them. There isn't. Let him be proud of who he is. The one thing he needs is a strong mother who believes in him.
Now, I'm not saying your son is gay, and if he is, still, nothing wrong with that. You just love him. He will always need his mother'. love.

This sounds pretty normal to me. My son liked to put on my dress shirts as dresses and wear my heels. I wouldn't put too much thought into it other than he is just using his imagination. IMO, I think the biggest issue is the last part of your post, not if he is playing dress up. Figure out how to explain "where Daddy is" to you child without too many details. This isn't him acting out, he is just being a kid.
Good luck, take care.

I have a great picture of my oldest son when he was 3. He'. wearing a purple tutu, pushing a grocery cart, and wearing a feather boa. Now he'. 14, and all boy. I wouldn't worry, but do agree that it'. good for boys to have strong, male role models. Maybe an uncle, neighbor, grandfather, or friend can fill that role. Enjoy your son! :)

I think it'. fine. And it'. not because of the lack of male figure. I have a good friend who is very much married with an involved father and her older son is 4.5 and still does this. He loves to put a long blanket on his head and be rapunzel. Now that he'. getting older, he'. starting to like soem of the more traditionally boy stuff, but he still loves his princesses and princess play. It drives the father nuts - but why force the gender stereotypes?

My DH is all man'. man (tough guy, hunts, fishes, grunts) and my son acted like that. So I think its normal. Your boy will find his way once he starts playing with other children, girls and boys.

Stop beating yourself up. Since his dad isn't around, it falls on you to be more conscious about what he'. exposed to and to share stuff other than the girly stuff. That'. just what it is. You haven't mentioned this word, but I'm gonna just put it out there--not having a male role model will NOT make your son gay. There is a yin and a yang to parenting, which is why it'. favorable to be in a couple. It'. not necessarily about a man and a woman specifically, just a balance in--for lack of better terms--aggressiveness and nurturing. You're gonna have to "man up" and bang some things around with him, teach him appropriate ways to express the aggression that testosterone will produce. Don't encourage him to "forget" what he'. doing now; there'. room for that in his life. Just give him other things, as well. Even if he is going to be an effeminate adult, he needs to experience a balance. Give him what you can and just love him. You wouldn't be doing a good job if you didn't question yourself and even sometimes feel like a failure.

I don't think it'. a big deal at all. Your son loves you and looks up to you, and you're a girl, so it makes a lot of sense that he would want to pretend to be like you :) I wouldn't stop him, but just offer him a lot of opportunities to interact with boys/men as well, so that he gets a balance. Yes, it'. sad that his dad is not around, but just because someone is not biologically related doesn't mean that they can't have just as much influence.

But at this point, he'. just playing, and I wouldn't read into any of his behaviors as defining him in any way. A lot of little boys play with "girl" stuff, my son included, and I really don't think it'. strange at all.

I wouldn't worry about it. I would make sure I'm doing things to celebrate his "boy"ness though, like taking him to the fire station to sit in the truck and meet the firemen, taking him to the park to play football together, wrestle together on the floor, etc. I'm sort of a traditionalist as far as the roles of males & females in families, but I'm also the mother of an extreme tomboy, and I embrace her uniqueness. She wants to be a fire-lady when she grows up. So, embrace his uniqueness, love him for who he is, and celebrate that. He loves you and looks up to you for a reason, because you are doing a great job. :)

hugs to you for being a single mom! I don't know how you do it!

Your son is fine and normal and it is absolutely nothing to do with lack of a male figure in his life!

You are right not to make it an issue.

Have other boys over to play so he has "boys" to play with.

But it'. a non issue. You will raise a great man regardless of lack of a dad, if you are a great parent :-)

I think the hair thing has been sufficiently addressed. The bigger issue for the long haul is the lack of a male role model. .

Is there an uncle or grandad in the area? All the men in a boys life are role models, not just dads. Get him in activities with a male authority figure. Little tikes soccer, cub scouts, maybe even the big brother program. Take him to church and ask for a male Sunday school teacher.

Don't worry about it. My brother used to dress up in my moms dresses. I think you should let your close family and friends know how you feel so that they can stand behind and suport you! You don't have to do it alone. Needing their help will not make you any less stronge!

Good luck and God Bless!

Don't worry another second over it! Let him play however he likes! I am married to a fairly "manly" guy, and my 3 year old son has a 6 year old brother who is well out of the "girlie" stages at this point. He'. also constantly exposed to his grandfather -my dad -who is EXTREMELY male (hunts, fishes, sports, 4-wheeling, etc.). So -he has a lot of male influence in his life. However, he went through a stage about 6 months ago where he found these two Barbies a little girl left here, and he toted one of them around for a few months. He LOVED her, but eventually abandoned her for other things. He also loves to get into my makeup and purse and lipstick. He'll joke around and say, "I'm a girl!" He loves parading around in my high heels!

It'. just part of them trying to figure out where they fit in the world. He'. at the age where he really notices differences and that there are two genders and a lot of stuff out there seems to be for either men or women/boys or girls. Most likely he'll just grow out of it. The way I feel about my son -it'. probably a phase, but if he'. transgendered or gay or whatever, that'. fine too. My oldest son also went through a phase around age 3 where he loved princess toys and pink, purple sparkly stuff. I was a little sad the day he suddenly started saying, "That'. for GIRLS" like it was a bad thing. It seemed a little piece of the innocence had worn away.

I wouldn't worry about the playing. Do you have long hair, or do his friends? It'. just pretty and different from his own.

For a male role model, contact Big Brothers/Big Sisters and see what you have to do to get on the list. I think they pair kids up at around school age, but best to find out now.

Better for him to not have his "bio-dad" around if there is no love there. It sucks, but love is most important. It would hurt more if "dad" was around and was obviously uncaring. Perhaps talk to a counselor about how to deal with the issue of dad not being around. Good luck and hugs to you!

Well i really wouldnt worry to much about it either. My son who will be 3 in July likes to put my high heels on and walk around the house. I think he likes the way it sounds on hard surfaces. He found my 5 yr old daughter swim suit the other day in her drawer and wanted to wear it, so i put it on him. I think they are just curious at this age. I am married and my husband rough houses him every night, they play basketball and football and even wrestle on the floor and still seems interested in some of my girl things.
Is your dad still alive? Maybe you could let him go with papa for a few days during the week and hang out with him, or if you have a brother you could do the same thing... not sure if that is an option for you. Another thing is since his dad is not around, play boy toys with him. Like get on the floor and play with tractors and cars, toys that are meant for boys. Being a single parent is hard. And since there is no dad around, you will have to play the part of both parents. But one day your son will see what an amazing mother you were to him and totally appreciate you! Good luck!

It is totally normal for boys to dress up and do girly things. I'm a SAHM so my son was with me all day every day and would model my behavior all the time (even pretending to nurse a doll after my daughter was born :) ) Kids learn from their parents. Soon enough he will start noticing the social norms and start conforming. My husband is very much in to traditional gender rolls and would make comments to my son when he saw the behavior which did not make me happy. My son is now 6 and is totally a boy'. boy. Though every once in a while when it'. just me and him he'll choose a pink whatever or something untraditional. I feel home should be a safe place to be who you are. Peer pressure will set in soon enough and let your son know what socially acceptable.

It is not your "fault" your son does this. He will grow up to be just fine. I think you should talk to your family and/or friends. That is what they are there for. It'. hard enough being a parent, let alone a single parent. Maybe you can set up outings for you son with a good male friend or family member on a regular basis so he can have a close role model and someone to talk to as he gets older. That is tough that his father doesn't want to be a part of his life :( I wish I had advice on how to help with that.

Best of luck to you.

are you worried about him being gay?
he'. 3.
3 year olds role play, explore, test, imagine, stretch, giggle and twirl. little girls pretend they're batman and little boys, yes, pretend they're ballerinas.
it would be great to find male role models for him, but please please please don't stifle his creativity, squash his fun, or make him feel that his explorations are somehow bad.
khairete
S.

Hi, P:

Don't worry about the imagination thing.
If you want to have a male role model for your son,
contact Big Brothers/Big Sisters and see if there
is anyone who you would like to have to
spend time with your son.

Check out your local Kiwanis club and see if any
men there can be a male role model.

Good luck..
D.

I watch the most macho little 4 year old ever--spend half the day pretending he is a dirtbike and the whole bit--even he has days when he is obsessed with dressing the baby dolls and wearing tutus with the girls. The two are not connected.