Need Advice - Parenting Tweens

Do stuff with him that he likes!!!! Instead of just saying, get off fortnite, say lets go for a bike ride! etc. Also, a sense of humor goes along way! It's not really a "jump" it's a transition.

Clear rules and no nagging.
My kid gets mad if he feels that the rules change or are arbitrary. If he knows that he's allowed to play video games with friends for 2 hours a day, then he can plan for that. But if there are no rules and he plays 4 hours one day and then the next day you tell him to get off after 1 hour, sure, he's going to be upset because he made plans with his friends for a longer period of time.

I find that we get along better if the rules are clear and spelled out in advance. For example, if the rule is 2 hours of video games a day, then he can plan with his friends when he wants those 2 hours. If there are time constraints on it, he should know in advance (dinner is at 6PM, be finished before that time).

It also helps if you apply the same rules to yourselves as parents. "Do as I say but not as I do" doesn't go over well at this age. If parents watch TV or play on their phones all evening, why can't he play video games all evening? If it's family time, then it should apply to everyone.

Reminders are ok and are not nagging ("hey, keep an eye on the clock, you've only got 15 min of video time left" helps him plan his game and not leave his friends hanging in the middle of a crucial moment). Once time is up, then time is up (I do give up to 5 minutes to finish up a game that is in progress, but that's it, then I turn it off. No nagging, just quietly enforcing the rules).

For my kid, having the clear rules really helps because is learning to plan and manage his time within those boundaries. He can have his video now, but if his friends can't get on until later, then he would give up his chance to play with friends if he goes on now - his choice).

I don't pretend to have it all figured out (mine is only a year older than yours). But for now, giving him clear boundaries but simultaneously giving him independence to manage his own time within those boundaries is working.

Changing my answer - after eating with my kids.

I would keep the rules to whatever they've always been, and you change up what you're doing to keep connecting with him. At one point you probably pushed him on swings, etc. Then you dropped that and did something else he enjoyed, etc. Now it's gaming. You could get into it a bit (my husband did a bit), or something else.

I have one thing I do with each of my kids that they enjoy (I might not love it). We have one show we like to watch together. We connect. We keep modifying this as they get older. Sometimes they will join me and I'm so pleasantly surprised.

Whatever it is, just go with it.

There's shows we watched (we all watched Survivor for a long time, but some of my teens are no longer into it) together. Now only 3 of us watch together.

We keep having to change. It might mean loosening the rules. We stay up late, order pizza, etc.

I find the more fun we make it, the more the kids come out of their rooms.

Fornite is so super addictive. You can put limits on it, and I'd break it up. Maybe time before dinner, and a little after. Not all in one go. Or whatever works so he doesn't get cranky. It's very aggressive, and I find some kiddos can't handle it. I know the friends play it, but my teen gets weird from playing it - so don't feel bad about limiting time. Limits are good. Kids get used to it and will be ok even if they aren't at first.

I agree with Elena about the start of independence and the influence of hormones on both mental attitudes and body changes – many of which kids are not too comfortable with. As soon as they used to something, it changes. Think back and you’ll remember what it was like. They are practicing being adults – and they aren’t so good at it yet. They can be defiant, and they don’t really know why they are doing it. But remember that this anger is the tween equivalent of a tantrum – and we all know we don’t give in to those. Your goal is to get this kid to handle independence without being a jerk and with some leeway to make mistakes in the comfort of his own home before going out in the world. You also have to teach him to handle more responsibility, and correct him when he’s wrong while praising his successes.

I agree with MyNewNickname about regulating screen time. If he gets 2 hours, tell him he gets that every day, with the limitation of a sensible bedtime and wake up time, and things like the dinner table and basic chores. A videogame is a privilege earned by those who show respect and maturity; it is not a basic civil right of little kids. I agree about limiting your own screen time as a good example. Set the limits ahead of time, give him some control over it, and agree to one reminder or a kitchen timer or an alarm on the computer/cell phone. Do not nag. Any argument about the 15-minute warning makes him lose the 15 minutes, and he gives up the game now. If he keeps at it, he loses an hour of tomorrow’s 2 hours. If he still keeps at it, he loses the whole 2 hours. Make I clear that this is HIS CHOICE! He chose to lose time.

Does he like sports? Remind him that football players get a 2 minute warning, hockey players get “time out” in the penalty box, and in all sports the decision of the ref/umpire is final. Argue and swear at the ref? You get ejected. Worse than that, you get suspended from future games. Adults play by the rules too. (And referees don’t nag and they don’t expect to be popular – they expect to be listened to. This is your child’s time to practice growing up from “Aw, Mooommmm” to how he should respond to a teacher, a coach, a boss, a cop, and so on. Practice, practice.

By the same token, if he steps up to the plate here (gee, I’m going nuts with the sports metaphors, huh? LOL!), then he’s practicing to be a “starter” in the game of family life as time goes on. Practice takes time, a starting role is something people earn over time, and his increased maturity will gain him more privileges if he can sustain his efforts over time. No taking out the recycling and then lobbying for 8 hours a day of video games.

If he’s moody, I’d grant him the luxury of some private time and a break from siblings or whatever is annoying him. But as more responsibilities come (cell phone, iPad, eventually a learner’s permit and so on), he earns those every day. Being sullen and totally uninvolved is not an option – he still has to join family events and sign Grandma’s birthday card and attend functions and dress reasonably well for certain functions. His ability to handle that with decency and at least some level of enthusiasm is a big indicator of his readiness for less supervision and more privileges.

Sorry - I've never had this problem.
I thought that maybe around 8 our son might start pulling away more - it never happened.
Regardless of the age/stage we are family and we treat each other with respect - and we actually enjoy spending time together.

If you haven't limited his screen time to this point - you need to start.
Set what you think is a reasonable max time to be playing - and then he has to earn his perks/time with good behavior.
If he earns none - then he gets none.
He needs to know that internet use is a privilege and not a right.
And any/every device he uses - you monitor regularly- and he knows it up front - just the fear of getting caught doing anything hinky online should be enough to steer you/him away from a world of trouble.

When his time is up - you don't nag.
He gets maybe a 5 min warning and when the time comes to an end you switch the internet off.
Any complaints and he loses his screen time for the next day.

You are the parent and you are in control.
When you and your son both know and accept this you will all be a lot happier.

Kids are all different, even within the same household.

One universal tip - don't be arbitrary. Have a logical reason for rules and requests.

As an example, you mentioned telling him to get off Fortnite because you miss him, but you didn't say what you wanted to happen next.

Do you have an alternate activity for the two, or do your feelings make you assert control for no solid reason? If you're hoping he will want to hang out with you and open up, try a different tactic. You have to give him the space he needs to miss being around you too. Instead of interrupting his social time, make plans for the two of you to do something in advance. See a movie, go out to lunch at a place he likes, play a 2 player video game with him. Whatever applies to the situation.

For the most part, I loved the preteen and teen years. I think if you go into these years with an understanding of the developmental changes that are happening, and a focus on maintaining your connection regardless, you will be fine.

The most important thing is to remember that you and he are still on the same side. I had no interest in being the screen time police, so we mostly trusted our kids to be able to regulate their own time with guidance from us, but not hard and fast rules. Instead of enforcing rules, we spent our time talking with them and helping them make good decisions for themselves. So, for example, I might ask one of them what their plans were, and add my thoughts, but most of the time they would make good decisions. I regularly thought of family activities that I thought they might enjoy, and offered it to them, and most of the time, whether shopping, movies, board games, concerts, museums, they were happy to go. My youngest hated musicals, so occasionally I had to twist his arm, “I know you don’t like musicals, but I’d really love it if you would join me.” Or, “I know the zoo is no longer fun for you, but your cousin will really enjoy it.” I didn’t expect them to be enthusiastic about everything, but as long as I showed respect for their feelings, I found they ended up enjoying most activities with the family. Your son is still young, so this should be easy now, but might get harder later. Have fun together. Also, make sure that you support his interests, for our boys it was music, for your son it sounds like it’s sports. Kids who have many interesting things to do, will continue to do those things.

We always had dinner together and that was a good time to reconnect on a daily basis, talk about our days, make plans for the evening that balanced what they wanted to do and what I wanted them to do. We did have an enforced bedtime, and no phones at dinner.

I also remember sometimes nixing plans as unsafe, “I’m just not comfortable with you riding your bike that late at night.” I think the teen years are all about finding a balance of understanding and respecting their desire for increasing independence, and helping them make good decisions for themselves, setting limits when necessary. I always tried to say “yes” unless I had a good reason to say “no.” I never asked anything more than once, if they didn’t listen, I would just put my arms around them, “sweetie, did you hear me, can you help grab the groceries from the car for me?” I showed them respect for their interests and plans, and really never got disrespect from them. Sometimes they will make choices that you won’t like, but if you listen to them without judgment, they will trust you, listen to you when you do set limits, and hopefully learn to make better choices. Be someone they want to talk to.

Oh, and keep a sense of humor.

It's so sad that kids are on fortnite all the time. Kids need to be outside and interacting in person!
With that being said, you have the job of parenting and it is not going to get easier. What you need to do is set limits. He gets limited time on ANY technology. Set the limits and if he does not follow them set consequences.

Two hrs of screen time is it and if he has a phone, it goes on the kitchen table and/or gets shut off at 9pm.

Make a point to eat meals tog most nights with no technology, at all. Dinner should be positive. Have a night out or a day out one night a month or every other wk.

He should have a few chores....He is part of a family and everybody chips in. If not, fortnite is off. Start one daily chore beg May 1st.

when you tell him to get off fortnite, how does that go, exactly? are you reminding him of the time limits that have been agreed upon by him and parents beforehand? or are you telling him you miss him and want to spend time with him?

boundaries are your friend. and they work best when everyone knows what they are, why they exist, and have had input into creating them.

btw, that also means kids get to tell parents to get off social media when they're craving some mom time and mom is busy tweeting.

you do have to allow him to separate and start establishing his own independence, but that is way more nuanced and important than just letting him play fortnite more often.

create good boundaries, enforce them, stop nagging (seriously- boundaries include consequences for violations, but if they require endless reminders ie nagging they're not working) and make sure that you're well supplied with fun things to do when you do have his attention.

i loved and miss having teenagers in the house.

khairete
S.

For your own "emotions" here mom, I think we can reframe the issue: it's not so much that he is "withdrawing" or "prefers friends to family", it's that - for the first time in his life - he is trying to "carve out time" for friends. That's new...exciting stuff! (For example, a four-year-old doesn't really need to "carve out time" for anything.)

So, I think you can "play that life game" with him. He's not a tiny executive: "Hey Boss, how about family dinner on Tuesday?" "Gosh sorry mom but Tuesday is booked solid for me" - no!

But, try to navigate the scheduling dance with him, to allow him little bits of room to "flex". And you have many great suggestions related to that below!

I will say this Fortnite thing is a different thing. When you tell them to get, they can be in a middle of a game and talking with their friends if he has a headset. My husband just comes in and turns off the game making my child tearful. I would never do that. I try to set time limits: a little time on weeknights only after homework is done, a little time on weekends after we do things as a family like errands, a walk together, dinner etc. Fortnite takes a back seat to everything else like school work, sports etc. but I do make sure they have some time to play as they work hard. Balance is the key.